marshmlofluff Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Congratulations! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ellie2006 Posted October 1, 2012 Share Posted October 1, 2012 Congrats! Hope everything works out for ya! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 Thank you Annie, Marsh, and Ellie. I sincerely hope that its a beginning of a new chapter after a year of turmoil in my life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 6, 2012 Author Share Posted October 6, 2012 We had a national holiday here. I met 2 men on that day (for marriage reason). Do not know what to expect. Its been 2 weeks in the new town. Got myself a small room in a big house closer to work. The guy I met in June came to visit me on the 1st (He is currently in between jobs... yes, that guy). The interaction was awkward. His brother's family lives in the same town. He stayed with them for about 2 weeks. His parents were also there. He wouldn't ask me to come home, meet them all. He came to see me instead. Took me to a nice restaurant, paid the bill. I didn't want any of this at all. Why bother paying for my share? Said "You can pick up the tab next time when you get your 1st paycheck." I'm really not sure if I even want to meet him next. There should be a purpose to meeting. Why meet without a reason? I was really hoping he would come to help when I was trying to get to know the area and settle down in a new town, but he didn't. I had to rely on coworkers and landlord to help out. I am so confused. Why bother coming to meet me and pay for my dinner? Why not call ask if I need any help settling down instead? Why not take me to meet your family members when all of us are in the same town? Why not? I'm angry at myself for feeling a certain way towards this guy. I just wish all those feelings would go away in a second and I can be my normal self. The problem is chemistry. There is a good chemistry between us and I can't seem to forget him. This time around when we met, I didn't touch him and thankfully he didnt' touch me either. That is progress. I didn't take him to my room (my landlord asked me not to bring any man other than my immediate relative home. He had problem with his last few tenants.) I'm meeting other men, but nothing would work on that front either. I really just want to get married. I'm tired of my feelings and uncertainties with this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 8, 2012 Author Share Posted October 8, 2012 met one man yesterday from the website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 8, 2012 Share Posted October 8, 2012 I am so confused. Why bother coming to meet me and pay for my dinner? Why not call ask if I need any help settling down instead? Why not take me to meet your family members when all of us are in the same town? Why not? Because that way he can keep you on the hook, but without making any large emotional investments that might be seen as an actual commitment. In your culture, where people get engaged after meeting once, the way he is behaving is both suspicious, and unacceptable (he touched you?!). That's probably why he's hiding it from his own family. By the way, I remember you described similar "chemistry" with that guy in the US who had very lukewarm interest in you, and that interaction sounded very similar to this one. I could be wrong, but it sounds like you are attracted to and spending a lot of time interacting with men who are ambivalent and do not sound serious about marrying you. I think that if you are not careful, doing that may interfere with meeting someone who *is* serious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 13, 2012 Author Share Posted October 13, 2012 Yes, this sounds right. Yes, he came on to me when I visited a place close to him for an interview. I called him out on that behavior. What you say is right. He is only keeping me in the loop. He is very careful with his words. Never says any words that convey affection. He looked like he was more interested in having sex when I visited him. Darn this! why me? why me? I'm angry at myself for letting him behave this way with me. Chemistry really is of no use. It blinds you to the reality. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 Yes, this sounds right. Yes, he came on to me when I visited a place close to him for an interview. I called him out on that behavior. What you say is right. He is only keeping me in the loop. He is very careful with his words. Never says any words that convey affection. He looked like he was more interested in having sex when I visited him. Darn this! why me? why me? I'm angry at myself for letting him behave this way with me. Chemistry really is of no use. It blinds you to the reality. I think it's common to meet men like this. Just--once you figure out that they don't want what you want, you have to cut the interaction off. It's hard to say based just on what I've read here, but this guy sounds sleazy to me. Part of the "chemistry" you feel may be that he has practice going online and finding women to have FWB type relationships with. There are so many decent men out there who actually want to get married...why waste time with this one? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 13, 2012 Share Posted October 13, 2012 I think it's common to meet men like this. Just--once you figure out that they don't want what you want, you have to cut the interaction off. It's hard to say based just on what I've read here, but this guy sounds sleazy to me. Part of the "chemistry" you feel may be that he has practice going online and finding women to have FWB type relationships with. There are so many decent men out there who actually want to get married...why waste time with this one? agreed, stop spending time with this guy. tell him when he is ready to talk marriage he can call you, but now you are moving on. don't let him waste your time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 How interesting is this! this guy (the same one mentioned in my previous post) told me that he is not going to look for a girl because he doesn't have a job. Today I saw that his profile is up on the website. Just 2 days ago, I got a message from him "R u going home for the festival?" I returned it after 24 hours "Not sure. r u?" He returned it after a couple of hours "No. I will be here" Now a day after this, I see his profile up again on the website. He has been acting distant for a month almost now. I really want to call him and find out what is going on? Does he have a job? Is it because I didn't call him? What is going on? Has he lost interest in me? He can just be straight with me. Is there other chick? Why lie to me and say that he would marry me once he has a job? Why am I still allowing myself to be fooled by words that men say out of their mouth? I'm here in an unknown town. People around me speak a different language. Now this thing has fallen apart. I don't know what to think of this anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 Hugs. I wouldn't put anymore energy into this guy. I am sending you huge hugs. I hope your job gets better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 19, 2012 Author Share Posted October 19, 2012 I'm shaking right now. What do I do? Can I call him to find out what is going on and if I'm completed out of the picture? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 19, 2012 Share Posted October 19, 2012 It's easy for me to say this but probably harder to hear but I would not focus any more mental energy on this man. I don't think he is a good match for you. If he decides he wants to seriously pursue a relationship with you he knows how to find you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 20, 2012 Share Posted October 20, 2012 I'm shaking right now. What do I do? Can I call him to find out what is going on and if I'm completed out of the picture? No. Instead, I think you remove the uncertainty by taking him out of *your* picture, which I think is what your family has also been suggesting. Honestly, this guy does not sound like marriage material. Right now he either doesn't know what he wants, isn't interested in you, or isn't really interested in marriage--and it doesn't matter which one of the three it is, because none of those things is what you want. Even if this guy were an American guy living in the US, after this many months of interacting, generally he would have taken his ad down and you would be in a relationship. I suggest that you move on immediately, because I think you are risking your chances at getting married to a decent man by staying in touch with this one. I suspect that a year or two from now you will still see this guy on websites and he will still be doing the same thing, playing with women and having relationships, but not committing to them. I agree with Annie--cut this one off. I'm very sorry to have to say that, but I think it's time. In my experience, one of the most important aspects of finding the right person is that you recognize the wrong ones and time-wasters quickly, and don't invest months or years on them. Everything you've said about this guy for months makes me suspect he is a classic time-waster. Flush and move on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 Met one guy yesterday from the website. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 21, 2012 Author Share Posted October 21, 2012 Thank you Marsh. Last two days were difficult. It was hard not to call the guy to find out what he was really upto. I have not been particularly well for last 2 days. I wanted to call the guy yesterday and tell him that I won't be able to meet. I sucked it up, took a pill and went. You are right about what you say. What am I going to ask him and what is he going to say? It will be another session of back-pedalling, my believing that things will get better, and if we meet in person at his place then another make-out session. Keeping quiet and keeping my options open is the way to go. Like Annie said before... its just like looking for work. You have to continue looking until you find one. Thank you Annie and Marsh for your support. I really appreciate it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 22, 2012 Share Posted October 22, 2012 Thank you Marsh. Last two days were difficult. It was hard not to call the guy to find out what he was really upto. I have not been particularly well for last 2 days. I wanted to call the guy yesterday and tell him that I won't be able to meet. I sucked it up, took a pill and went. You don't have to go meet men if you feel sick--just postpone for a week, I'd suggest. How is the new job going? And how was the meeting? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 22, 2012 Author Share Posted October 22, 2012 link removed I liked reading this. I can see where they are coming from. Its not easy to be on the other side either. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 23, 2012 Author Share Posted October 23, 2012 Aah... what do I say about my job. It keeps me super busy. I have always wanted to work in this field. Thought I would do well. I'm not sure anymore. This should be honeymoon phase, but its not. I am at work min. 12 hours a day. I am completely new to all this. Unlike in academics, there is pressure of strict deadlines. I'm put on several projects at once. They never start one after the other. They always overlap, so I'm always working working. My colleagues are experienced, young, don't have PhDs, have vibrant lives outside. I live within walking distance of my workplace. I eat at the company's cafeteria. I'm not sad... no, I'm thankful that I have this place, this job, in this big city, that I get decent food. But I've serious doubts in my ability to do this job. I see young kids with normal average education doing this. I confided into a professional about my doubts. He laughed at me "You serious? If they can do it, this should be a cakewalk for you. If its not now, don't worry. You are learning. You will survive. You will excel. Just stay the course. You have to give it 6 months and we will reevaluate to see what feedback you got and how you feel about all this. Don't give up. Remember, just like your PhD, you don't quit until they throw you out. And they won't throw you out without giving you opportunities to work on your problem areas." So, I am hanging on to his words, but currently I'm feeling the squeeze. Met a new guy. I'm physically not attracted to him, but he is looking to get married and so am I. If he gets back to me, I will meet him again. Its interesting he said something "Don't you think you should maintain some work life balance?" Me "Sure, and I want that too. Right now, I need to put in time to learn things. Yes, right now its grueling, but once I get more comfortable at it, the work load won't feel this bad." Him "See I've worked long hours too, but I was in my mid 20s then. I was single and was happy to date casually. So, it didn't feel bad at all. You are in your mid 30s, your priorities are (or should be) different." I smiled. Yes, he is right. My priorities should be different, but they are not. That is why I sometimes regret spending years getting a PhD when I could have put in that time to start and build a career and now in my mid 30s, I would be at a comfortable place in my career. Instead I spent my 20s working hard at a PhD and now since I'm starting a new job (can't call it a career just yet) I've to again work hard when my priorities should be marriage and family. PhD helps a person while climbing up, but they still have to do a good job where they are starting a new job. Now what do I do? Where do I go from here? The pressure to get married is increasing and I really don't know how I'm going to juggle (what looks like) a demanding job and a new marriage (if and when that happens). I'm hanging on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 L, sounds like you are doing well. I think, just hang in there, like your friend advised. you'll get the hang of it. I like this new guy. He sounds cool. Even if you are not attracted to him right now, I think attraction can grow. My mom and dad got married after only 6 weeks. He was interested and my mom wanted to get married to escape a bad work situation. My dad was nuts about her. My mom was 'eh.' that's what she told me. she said she grew to love him over the years because he was a good man. I hope you (well, me too!) meet a good man, even if it's not fireworks at first, that's not the most important thing, right? that love can grow. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 23, 2012 Share Posted October 23, 2012 L, sounds like you are doing well. I think, just hang in there, like your friend advised. you'll get the hang of it. I like this new guy. He sounds cool. Even if you are not attracted to him right now, I think attraction can grow. My mom and dad got married after only 6 weeks. He was interested and my mom wanted to get married to escape a bad work situation. My dad was nuts about her. My mom was 'eh.' that's what she told me. she said she grew to love him over the years because he was a good man. I hope you (well, me too!) meet a good man, even if it's not fireworks at first, that's not the most important thing, right? that love can grow. Indeed! So now you have a job and there is a guy interested in you--that's amazing progress for only having been back in your country a few months! PS--I have never gone through a honeymoon phase with a job...every job I've had, for the first few months I've hated it and found it stressful, then later grown to really like it once I got comfortable in it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 28, 2012 Author Share Posted October 28, 2012 L, sounds like you are doing well. I think, just hang in there, like your friend advised. you'll get the hang of it. I like this new guy. He sounds cool. Even if you are not attracted to him right now, I think attraction can grow. My mom and dad got married after only 6 weeks. He was interested and my mom wanted to get married to escape a bad work situation. My dad was nuts about her. My mom was 'eh.' that's what she told me. she said she grew to love him over the years because he was a good man. I hope you (well, me too!) meet a good man, even if it's not fireworks at first, that's not the most important thing, right? that love can grow. I'm teling myself this now. It is so difficult for me to look at him and wonder if things would work out between us. He is 5 6. I look taller than him. He is going bald. He talks nonstop. I am an introvert. I feel drained just to listen to him. Sigh! Its sad when you don't feel a certain way about someone when you know you are not going to get anyone better and its time to stop looking for better and try to be happy with what you are getting and seal the deal and try to be happy instead. My close friend gave me a lecture "The guy you are waiting for (the one everyone is telling me to move on from) may be a good guy, but currently he is not available. I think the reason why you are attracted to him and such guys is because *you* are not ready for marriage. How long are you going to continue this nonsense? This new guy has everything except hair and height. If I were you I would look past that and try to make things work with him instead and get married. He is okay with your not working. Understand that. Thats a plus. I would really think about what am I doing with myself to keep myself from getting married to a decent man. If you can't find everything, ask yourself, what would you be willing to let go from your list? You may realize that the guy you can be happy with is right in front of you." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted October 28, 2012 Share Posted October 28, 2012 What your friend said by the way is almost exactly what I said, so since two people have said it, it may be useful to pay attention: Both in the US and in India, the men you have been most interested in were all unavailable, and being attracted to men who aren't interested is generally a sign of not being ready for marriage. Meanwhile hair and height are not serious issues in my opinion. You want someone who is going to stand by you if you get cancer. The talking...yes, as another introvert I do understand that and it can be draining, but--once you have been married for a while you can gently ask him to be quiet sometimes, and you also will get used to the chatter. Sometimes it may even be nice. Go for it, L! Think of how wonderful it will be not to be alone all the time and to have emotional support; remember--that's the purpose of getting married, and hair doesn't matter that much in the end. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted October 29, 2012 Share Posted October 29, 2012 all men eventually will lose their hair. that's my take on it. so he's ahead of the curve, lol. how many times have you met? some people get nervous and talk a lot, so maybe as he gets to know you better, he will quiet down? and i agree with what your friend said - that's a good point about maybe not being ready for marriage yourself... ? how many times have you hung out with him? have you met his family? is he kind to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted October 29, 2012 Author Share Posted October 29, 2012 We have met just x2. I know that its too early to say anything. May be I should just go with the flow and see how things play out. He has been decent so far. You know... I have a history of being drawn to men who treat me poorly. Yes, I know its sad. If a man treats me kindly, is an overall nice guy, respectful, I lose respect for him. I'm not attracted to him anymore. I start treating him poorly. Is it any surprise then that I'm single? Men who are not interested me, for whatever reason, are all great in my book. If a man is interested in me, I start finding faults with him and move on to men who don't want me and get hung up on them. Yes, I'm ashamed of myself to admit it... that's what I've been doing all these years. Its sad. I don't understand why I do it. I know I need to improve and get my act together if I want to be in a happy and stable marriage. I just don't know why my interest fades away. God... why do I have these issues at this age? I don't have a good relationship with my father. He was always absent in my life. I absolutely don't get along with him. This must have a lot to do with why I tend to seek approval from unavailable men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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