LAYAAN Posted August 26, 2012 Author Share Posted August 26, 2012 link removed Perspective Takes The Sting Out Of Rejection: It’s Broken, You’re Not link removed I can't believe they don't want me syndrome link removed Why avoiding rejection actually opens you up to more and why its not always rejection Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 3, 2012 Author Share Posted September 3, 2012 I've been trying to stay away from calling and talking to this guy and I'm not doing a great job at it. I met him when I went for an interview closer to where he lives. I wanted to sit down and talk. Apparently men don't seem to have that concept, I guess. And what was he going to talk about and decide? Whatever decision has to be taken, needs to be taken and followed through by me and not him. He has made his position very clear. No marriage without a job. I could see and feel that he is stressed about the fact that he doesn't have a job. I came back to my town. Tried to talk to him. He asked "Are you concerned that I might move on once I find a job?" I had not thought about it until he said it. Its not that I'm concerned that he might move on to someone once he finds a job. I'm not trying to lock him down before that. I'm more concerned about my involvement in him. That stops me from moving on with anyone else. That stops me from being available for anyone else. I visited him on 16-18. Came back to my town, we talked upto the 25th. I told him that I want to take it easy. I can't continue talking everyday. I didn't talk to him for a week. Yesterday he sent me a text and I called him. Why why... I hate it. I can't maintain no contact. I talked to him for 22 minutes and feel awful today. Have to start over today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 i think as hard as it is, keep this guy on the back burner and keep trying to meet new men. hugs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Yes Annie. I'm not doing a great job at trying to meet new men and trying to think positively about new prospects. I'm too drawn to this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 ulk. it sucks. i know. well, looking at it from a practical standpoint like you would with a job search, you just have to keep your options open and looking until you have a final offer from somewhere (job, school, man, whatever!!) hugs. hang in there. did you have the new photos done and all that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 Today I deleted his no. I wish I had the strength to not look at my phone so frequently, but I don't have it. I see changes in him and I'm not sure if those are because he no longer thinks that I'm the right person or those are because he is so stressed out about his job situation. It is possible that even after he gets a job we may not be together. If he gets a job in city X and if I've found a job (by that time) in city Y, we'll have to decide at that time who will move. Clearly, he wont' move since he needs a job and is a man and has just recently gotten back into workforce. He has recently said a few things that have bothered me, but I'm choosing to keep my mouth shut. I really need to forget him and move on with my life and stop obsessing over what is happening, what could have been, what would happen. I'm telling myself 'If and when he is ready to think about you, he will find you. If he doesn't, you have your answer. You shouldn't hold yourself back from moving on with your life, getting a job, etc. Keep your options open. If you find another man you like who is also ready for marriage, you move forward with that guy. Whatever you do, don't get emotionally involved in a man who is not ready for marriage for reasons related or not related to you.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 Whatever you do, don't get emotionally involved in a man who is not ready for marriage for reasons related or not related to you.' i agree!!! still working on that myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 ulk. it sucks. i know. well, looking at it from a practical standpoint like you would with a job search, you just have to keep your options open and looking until you have a final offer from somewhere (job, school, man, whatever!!) hugs. hang in there. did you have the new photos done and all that? Yes, Annie. I got new photos taken and put them on the matrimonial site. I had taken my profile off for a while after he told me clearly that he would like to take it forward with me. I had no desire to keep my profile on the site. In July, my subscription expired. I didn't renew it until recently. My profile is back on the site now. I've purchased the subscription (not a free member now). So, I can send my contact info to members so they can get in touch with me. If both are unpaid members, you can still express interest and one can accept it, but there is no way to contact the person. It stalls the process of getting to know each other. My parents are looking for me as well. My mother argued with me about it. I agree with her logic "Tomorrow if a decent guy says yes to you, I will call this guy and tell him 'either you marry my daughter or leave her alone so she can be with someone else.'" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 i know some people on link removed sneak in their email addresses like... "you can reach me at steve 123 at g m a i l dot com" or whatever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 i agree!!! still working on that myself. That is the problem with women. Why can't we be more like men in relationships? It would save us from so much unnecessary drama. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 4, 2012 Share Posted September 4, 2012 men have their stupid dramas too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 i know some people on link removed sneak in their email addresses like... "you can reach me at steve 123 at g m a i l dot com" or whatever. I know... same thing on this website, too. I guess men feel safer to do that than women. Most dating websites have similar policy so people purchase subscription. If free members got hitched without paying then noone would pay Initially I had kept my photos hidden as well. Marsh told me not to do that. I got a lot more responses after I made my photos available for all (unpaid and paid) to see. I started showing up more in searches then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 men have their stupid dramas too. True... no doubt. But I still believe that men normally get what they want because they can stay more objective than women. Women tend to second-guess themselves, back paddle, give chances, hope for change, etc. I sometimes wonder if I had gotten what I wanted if I had appointed a man like Evan Marc Katz as my personal dating guide while I was in the US. I read the book 'Marry Him' by Lorri Gottlieb and she has shared her experience of getting coaching from Evan and boy that makes so much sense! While reading the book, I was like "yes, see... that's how men think. All (most) men think alike!" She mentioned in her book, he said to her "You are not playing by the rule of averages." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 4, 2012 Author Share Posted September 4, 2012 continued from previous post... He helped her identify profiles that were looking for a woman like her and helped her get responses online, followed by actual in-person meetings (yes, not just 1st date and they vanish). From what she has mentioned in the book, Evan seems to know his game and what works and what doesn't, e.g. when she would pick an online profile that would catch her attention and show it to Evan, he would say, "You want to express interest? Sure, go ahead, but based on what he has written, he won't respond to you." And surely in most cases, she never heard back from those men. Also, when he showed her potential profiles and even if she didn't want to respond, but responded anyway, she had gotten responses. I think that's the important for the success of online dating, to find people that are looking for you and would respond to you and take it forward. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Initially I had kept my photos hidden as well. Marsh told me not to do that. I got a lot more responses after I made my photos available for all (unpaid and paid) to see. I started showing up more in searches then. Yes...these days it is always good to have a photo visible. In the very early days of online personal ads that was not the case, but now people just expect you to have a photo. By the way L. lose this guy: He knows how to find you if he is interested. A man who wants to marry you doesn't find excuses, especially ones that don't make any sense. He just marries you--especially in your culture. What is new with your job situation? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 7, 2012 Author Share Posted September 7, 2012 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 9, 2012 Author Share Posted September 9, 2012 The marriage website that I've my profile on charged me about $150 (with coupon)/year when I registered with them while in the US. The same website charged me Now, if men were more serious and sincere in contacting, following through, and meeting in person, it would be worth losing that money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 met 1 man on the 1st and met another man yesterday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 So, the dude texted me again today. Looks like he has taken it upon himself to stay in touch with me by texting me after every 7 days. I tried to address a few things that concern me. Considering my history, even if I have a valid point I've not succeeded in making a man understand my point of view. How can be an exception then? Me "I'm getting another postdoc opportunity in the US. I'm seriously considering taking it." Him "Yes, you should take it, but don't lose any job opportunity here, unless something there materializes. It would be stupid to let go of a bird in hand." I kept quiet at that time. I talked to him today about it (since we didn't talk about it then) Me "What do you mean by this? You seem like you are okay with my leaving." Him "What do you want me to say? You want me to stand in your way of returning to the US? I wont' do that. I want you to decide that for yourself." Me "If I were in your shoes, I would jump out of my chair if a man I was interested in said that he was interested in leaving the country. What's the point of talking to each other then? Here I am trying to build something with you and here you are talking about leaving the country? Seriously?" Him "That's how you think as a woman. That is not how I think as a man." Really? Are my expectations so out of line? I was so frustrated talking to him today that I just hung up the phone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 10, 2012 Share Posted September 10, 2012 Do you really want to go back to the US for a postdoc? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 10, 2012 Author Share Posted September 10, 2012 Do I want to go for a postdoc? No. But I'm still going through the US-withdrawal phase where a not-so-great opportunity looks good because it would bring me back to the US. So far, nothing here has worked out- no man, no job. Parents are constantly fighting, arguing. I can't take it. I really like this guy, but he isn't willing to marry me either. So, at this time any job in the US starts to look attractive. I'm sure that its not the best career move/choice for me. I think its more of an escape from my current situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 11, 2012 Share Posted September 11, 2012 I don't think in your shoes a postdoc is a great idea. It just prolongs your limbo. How is the job search going? Not the US job search. What do you really want to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2012 Author Share Posted September 11, 2012 Yes, I understand what you are saying. I want to work in clinical research field and I know my postdoc experience will not help me get that kinda job. US has comforts, conveniences, overall social awareness and discipline, cleanliness, orderliness. I like that. My country does not have that. My job search is going on Annie. I hope I get something here soon. I know I will have to move out of my town if I want to get a job in clinical research and I'm willing to do that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 29, 2012 Author Share Posted September 29, 2012 have a job in southern part of the country now. have relocated here. no net connection yet. will update as i get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 29, 2012 Share Posted September 29, 2012 Congrats!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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