Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I like honesty. But I would also be completely clear that this thing with his "friend(s) with benefits" is done and over with, 2000%.

Thank you Annie. Yes, if we meet again. This needs to be discussed.

 

I don't think it necessarily makes him more apt to cheat, all sorts of people cheat. He is clearly a man who prioritizes sex, so I would find out how often he wants it, etc....Ask him what he expects of his future wife. that might give you more clues as to what is in his head. i don't know if he's the kind of man who says, "well, my wife only gives it to me once every x days, thus, I'm going to look for something on the side."

Yes, exactly. My sex drive is probably non-existent. I need to talk to him about this.

 

I know he says he wants companionship, well, you can get companionship from friends, from pets, etc.... so I would want to hear more. What about marriage is important to him, etc...? And what about marriage is important to you Layaan? I know you want companionship as well.

Yes, thank you.

[annie24]

have you ever masturbated to see if you would enjoy sex?

[LAYAAN]

L.--I have seen many people get obsessed with pursuing something (a relationship, a job, money, whatever). ......

I know which option I would choose, because life is short. But it's up to you.

Thank you very much Marsh, for writing what you wrote. I keep coming back to this post often. You are right. I am obsessed with finding my way back into the US. You are right. Its because of my stay that my marriage is delayed and I will again be doing the same mistake if I returned to USA without getting married to someone first.

[LAYAAN]

Sorry to hear how things turned out but I agree with Annie ...

Hope your parents are doing better now that they have you with them.

And I hope you're re-adjusting well to life back home.

Sometimes, that really CAN get hairy!

Yes, thank you Ellie. How are you?

I'm trying my best to get adjusted to life back here. My parents are extremely happy now that I'm here.

[LAYAAN]

Btw I'm not saying your home country is as clean or wealthy or whatever as the US. It's a developing country and yes I hate to say this, but it's crowded and hot and dirty and smells like poop, and you don't get infinite hot water from the tap. In some ways life will be pretty difficult for the first couple of months. I think slowly you will adjust (that is what happens to me every time I go to your home country, at least.)

Yes, you are right. Everyday life is difficult for a middle-class person now. I suspect that it will continue to get difficult. I miss that part about living in the US. But there is nothing I can do about it now. I can't miss it too badly. Irrespective of how badly I want to make a life out there for myself, I know my limitations ... I dont' even have a job with a work visa.

 

But every time you make a decision, you gain something and you lose something. That's just part of life. Moving home you lose some material comforts, but you can be near your family, you can take advantage of the hard work they have done all their lives, and you have a good chance of finding a man. Try to focus on that.

Thank you. Yes, I will try to remind myself of this when life here gets tough.

 

Once you feel a little less disoriented, start looking for a job, so you have some money and something to do, and so you make some friends. That will distract you. And then really do your best to be happy. Sending you my good wishes from here.

Yes, I've already started to look for work here. I don't know how to try to be happy... knowing that I dont want to be here, but my circumstances have forced me to be here. I am not sure if I will ever be happy with it. I can try my best to be at peace with it, though.

[LAYAAN]

L, I dont know if you are going to ultimately get your own place or live with your parents until you get married, but just keep in mind that it DOES take time to get re-acclimated again to living with someone after living on your own!

 

I'm sure your parents will get on your nerves and you will get on theirs.

BUT try to give it some time!

 

Take care of yourself~

I'm standing up to my mom more these days. I call her out on her nonsense, when she raises her voice at me, etc. Its tough. It is really very difficult to live with my parents at this age. I'm looking for work and have told them that I'll go wherever my job takes me. If I move out of current city, I will get an apartment on my own.

[LAYAAN]

Met 3 men since I met the last guy 2 weeks ago.

 

met one man on 15th.

met another man on 17th.

met one more man today.

 

I really notice the difference. When I was there, I waited for about 8 months to meet another man. It bothered me very much. People get married in 8 months after meeting. I'm waiting 8 months to meet a man in person... how ridiculous! Now as I'm here, I see how rapidly things move here. Parents really do play a big role in getting their kids to meet. I may/may not get married, but I'm thankful that I'm getting to meet men in person... not just blah, blah on phone. I really really notice that difference here and I'm thankful for that .

[annie24]

I think that's great L. Meeting in person is important. I hope we both find what we are looking for.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie. I remembered you and Marsh. I remember you said (wrote in my journal) "There will be more than 8 men for you once you go back." Well... In about a month I met 6 men. You are right. There must be more than 8 men that turned me down because I was leaving the country.

 

I sincerely hope that you meet someone wonderful too. Are you looking to get married quickly? or you are willing to date for more than a year without thinking about marriage?

[annie24]

A year to 3 would be fine to date. I guess well see....

[LAYAAN]

A year to 3 would be fine to date. I guess well see....

Ya... that sounds reasonable. I read somewhere... If you want marriage, you have to focus on it and make it your priority to find a suitable man. Only then it happens. Otherwise, it keeps getting brushed under the carpet.

[LAYAAN]

link removed

[LAYAAN]

The guy I met on 15th asked if we could meet again. We met on 24th. He asked if we can see each other again and then didn't follow through.

 

Met 2 men on 23rd and 24th.

1 - is 5ft 4 in. didn't talk anything. started playing with his cell phone in the presence of rest of us. How rude! His father wanted him to talk to me. The guy wouldn't open his mouth. I kept looking out of the window. Our parents kept talking to each other. My cat entered the room suddenly, started meowing... that was helpful. That relaxed the tension in the room. We didn't send a follow-up email. We already know what the answer is going to be.

2 - Opening remarks

"There is no scope for pharmacy in India."

"You left everything there and came back???? Why?"

Me - "My personal life is more important to me now. So, I have come back so I can focus on that aspect of my life. I can get a job here as well."

Him - "Don't people in USA get married?"

[annie24]

L - what happened to the guy who previously had the friend with benefits?

 

there are flakes and weirdos everywhere, unfortunately! hang in there. all you can do is be your best. you can't help it if someone else is rude. besides, you had visa issues with staying in the us. the job market here is not great, and you did what you could to stay. sigh. i think you should stand up for yourself when you deal with some of these idiots.

 

ps - you could have just said, 'i move here to be closer to my family.' that is true too...

[LAYAAN]

continued from previous post...

 

Me ... said nothing... smiled

Him "Nobody that goes there comes back."

Me ... said nothing

 

I knew that he was going to say no. My mom still sent an email. He replied after a week "I was busy. We can't proceed. Good luck."

[LAYAAN]

L - what happened to the guy who previously had the friend with benefits?

 

I am still in touch with him. I actually really like him. Other than anyone else, I have interacted the most with him. He came to meet me here in my town a week after I got back. I was very comfortable with him. I enjoy talking to him. I look forward to talking to him. I miss him if we don't speak. I'm physically attracted to him.

 

Now the thing that's holding us back is that he is currently in between jobs and he doesn't want to get married until he gets a job (which is good). He lost his job in April when he first contacted me (and he told me that). He strikes me as an honest person and I like that in him. He also doesn't want a kid because of age+finances. He is 35. He feels that he hasn't saved up enough, has house loan to pay off for his parents' home. He hasn't even purchased his own house/apartment yet. He wants to travel and doesn't want to work until age 65. He says that he likes kids, but he would prefer not to have one given the job market+ his financial status+ his age.

 

I've noticed the same trend as in the US. You move with your job. Don't invest in a house/apartment. You may not stay in that place if you want to/need to take up a job somewhere else and will be stuck with mortgage.

 

My profile is still up on the matrimonial site. I was honest about that with him. I don't like it, because I want things to work with him, but then I'm asking myself "how long should I keep waiting?" I'm going through the motion of meeting other men, but frankly my heart is not there. I feel that I'm wasting my time and others' time. I like this guy. I wish circumstances were different.

 

My parents are supportive. They say

- if you want to marry him and stay with him, we will support you till he gets a job

- if you want to marry him and stay with us, we will support you

- you can marry him and you both move into other apartment that we have and save on the rent. We will support you. You go when and where he gets a job.

- wait until he gets a job and then you can marry. Until then you keep working on your life. You get a job.

- reduce interacting with him, but keep checking with him at regular intervals. Keep looking at other places as well. If things work with someone else, you move forward with that person. (For this to work you will have to stay emotionally detached and keep only your goal to get married to a decent man as a primary factor in mind.)

 

He doesn't want to get married until he gets a job. I'm trying to stop myself from getting emotionally attached. I am finding it difficult.

[annie24]

That's good, it seems like you and he have a lot in common. Well, keep talking to other men as well. Hopefully he will find a job soon. I hear you on getting attached!

 

Ps how stupid is that? People who go to america don't come back? It's not mordor!

[marshmlofluff]

People who go to america don't come back? It's not mordor!

 

*lol*

 

People in the arranged marriage system, especially if they aren't 100% interested, will ask a lot of questions like these up front ("Why did you come back from America? Nobody ever comes back from America!") if you deviate at all from their expectation of the life path someone "should" follow. Just have a set of glib-sounding answers ready.

 

And I agree with Annie--next time somebody asks you why you came back, "I came back because I'm an only child and I wanted to be near my parents, and they wouldn't have been happy in the US" is a more positive-sounding answer, and it is largely true.

 

L., I'm happy you are at least meeting men, including some with potential. I think it's a matter of time until you meet the right one--possibly even the guy who is job-hunting. Is the guy you like aware that your parents have offered some options so he does not have to wait?

[marshmlofluff]

Forgot to mention--if you are still meeting men from the site, have you put up new pictures in clothing that is appropriate to where you are now--and have you fully edited your profile? Now that you are home, how about getting some professional photos done?

[LAYAAN]

Is the guy you like aware that your parents have offered some options so he does not have to wait?

Yes, he doesn't want to take any of those options. He isn't telling me to wait for him either. Current status is... we check with each other periodically. He said "When I get a job, I will inform you. If you are available then, we will move forward. If not, I will have to take a break from looking for a wife then (if I'm with someone else). I am also emotionally involved and it would be difficult to move on with someone else so quickly."

[LAYAAN]

Forgot to mention--if you are still meeting men from the site, have you put up new pictures in clothing that is appropriate to where you are now--and have you fully edited your profile? Now that you are home, how about getting some professional photos done?

Yes, I need to do that. I know I have to do that. Just recently I talked to my mom about it. Need to change those pictures. The profile is edited though.

[LAYAAN]

*lol*

 

People in the arranged marriage system, especially if they aren't 100% interested, will ask a lot of questions like these up front ("Why did you come back from America? Nobody ever comes back from America!") if you deviate at all from their expectation of the life path someone "should" follow. Just have a set of glib-sounding answers ready.

 

And I agree with Annie--next time somebody asks you why you came back, "I came back because I'm an only child and I wanted to be near my parents, and they wouldn't have been happy in the US" is a more positive-sounding answer, and it is largely true.

I thought about saying this and here is why I don't feel comfortable saying it - 99% of men I have seen are engineers. Most of them are software/IT professionals. Others are working with MNCs here. The trend here is that most IT professionals are sent to the US on a project for 1 year or longer. I don't know IT professionals from what specific areas get sent on longer assignments. If I say "I came back to be closer to my parents", I'm afraid this is how the conversation may go.

 

Me - I'm the only child, I came back to be closer to my parents. (I'm trying to be short and not give too much information about my personal life and decision)

Him - Oh... but you belong to city X and I am/may get posted to city Y. Guess you won't be ready to leave your parents alone then.

 

or

Him - Oh... but I tend to go/my company wants to send me to the US on a 2-year contract. You wont' be able to go with me, I guess.

 

next candidate.

 

This has happened before. Its like talking to the police. Every word that comes out of your mouth will be analyzed and used against you. I talk to these men like you would to a lawyer. Give minimum necessary information. You talk a little more, you dig your own grave.

[annie24]

maybe then you can give a more complete answer - say that your decision to return to india was based on several different factors.

 

1. you wanted to be closer to your aging parents. even if your parents live in city X and he is about to be transfered to city Y, that's still better than then 20 hour flight from the US. (or however long the flights are!!)

2. the US has a problem with unemployment right now. there are not many job openings and many PhDs who are scrambling to get them. many biotech positions have vanished. i know many american PhDs who have been out of work or looking for a job for a year or more! yes, a PhD makes you very qualified, but it makes you overqualified for many jobs as well. the hiring process is long as well. no one is going to hire a phd to be a janitor or a secretary, you know?

3. your visa status - there aren't many employers who are enthusiastic to help you find a visa. same goes for funding - many grants/funding opportunities simply aren't available for non-US citizens when it comes to working in academia.

4. you were offered the postdoc, but postdocs are 1 year contracts, so once again, there is no job security there and you are being paid peanuts again.

 

Now, if a guy says that he might get transfered to the US for a couple of years, tell him great, that you enjoyed the

US and would like to go back.

 

maybe if you say too little, it gives them the opportunity to "fill in the gaps" with their own version of the story, so you might want to go ahead and give the 5-10 minute version of "why I left the US."

 

PS - I know of 2 people who lost their jobs this week. One man has a baby on the way. i think if these guys think that there are tons of jobs in the US, available anytime, they are under a false impression.

[LAYAAN]

There are a couple of points I have been wanting to write about the kid factor.

- (those who are from my culture may understand this better) After checking the compatibility of boy n girl as per the alignment of planets, etc. (as per the traditional system here), I've been informed by 1 man directly and by 3 different astrologers that I will have difficulty in having a kid. We saw this guy in arranged system. We met in traditional way (with both families present) once. He said "We'll meet separately and discuss important matters." He went silent for a month, went back to the US (he works there), emailed me a few days ago "I was hesitant to go forward due to this kid thing that came up after matching was done. Its an important aspect of married life, but this (testing for compatibility as per planetary positions of boy & girl) is not a perfect science. Would you be comfortable getting fertility testing done and sharing those results with me? I can get mine done as well. If its negative, you will also know and we won't proceed. If its positive, we can then decide what to do."

 

- I'm not sure any more on the kid issue.

I still don't desire a child. I still don't feel I have what it takes to raise a child, emotionally, physically, financially. I feel that I'm behind in the process and its difficult for me to have a healthy baby at this age. That all hasn't changed. But I'm really concerned these days about who will look after me and/or my husband in our old age? Worse, what if one of the partners passes on and the other one is too old to care for himself? This is not the US where you have very good old-age homes. When you get old here, you are not as mobile as you would be in the US. You don't drive, you need frequent medical attention. If I have a kid then my child will take care of me.

 

This guy doesn't agree "So, you are going to invest next 30+ years of your life taking every decision in the interest of your kid. You are not going to live your life the way you want because you hope that your kid will grow up to take care of you. What if he doesn't? What if he dies before any of us? What if he decides to live in other part of the world and never return? What if his spouse doesn't let him take care of us? ... The point is you have should not have a child for any selfish interest because it may not work that way."

 

I get the logic. Yes, there is a possibility that the kid may not take care of me, but you can at least appeal to him. Who would you appeal to if you don't even have a kid? I don't know. I never thought that when I meet a man who wants marriage and no kid I will tell him to reconsider his decision. Both of us want to travel, experience freedom, be worry-free for a while. The question is how much are we paying for this freedom? Would we regret not taking few trips to different countries more than we would regret being alone in our old age? His logic is 'You are losing what you really want (to experience) in hopes of gaining support in your old age. How logical is that?' He said to me the other day 'I really want to experience all this with you. I was really hoping that I've finally met the woman I want to be with. You shattered my dreams." My friend from the US says "Let me get this straight. So, you are willing to marry a man that you don't want to be with... to have a kid that you dont' want... so the kid *may* take care of you in your old age."

I understand everything. I don't know how to deal with the very real possibility of getting old alone and needing a support in a country like this.

[annie24]

L, I am not sure about how much it costs to raise a child in india, but I know in the US, they say it is about $200,000 to get a child from birth to age 18 (not including college!) so if you imagine investing that money instead, and you put it in retirement accounts, i am sure you can find a nice old age home to go to. i agree that having a child expecting them to take care of you when you are old is foolish because so many things can happen in the next 50 years. totally agree with your friends who are saying that to you.