Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

After writing why I am considering taking this position... now let me write why I'm hesitant to take this position.

 

- Current job offer - Do I want it? No. I want to work in clinical research and I need to get a job (even if its an entry-level position) in Industry, where I can learn and grow. That was my problem here. They offered me a contract entry-level position, but it wouldn't give me a visa and I need that to visit my family and go back and forth. I agree with Annie and Marsh. You do a postdoc if its in alignment with your career plan. Otherwise you will only get older and get further away from your desired job. Right. I have that concern as well. Not to mention... lifestyle, low salary, uncertainty of getting kicked out any time.

 

- I thought okay... I will get my license and jump and start working as a pharmacist. But then I asked myself... what made you lose focus on your exams? The fact that given your visa constraints and current economic situation, you will not be able to get a job in big city. If you want visa support and without work experience even in the pharmacy field, you will have to go into remote places. You do that if staying put here is of primary interest to you. Again, your chances of meeting someone there are slim and in the mean time, you are getting older and your marriage value is rapidly going down. If you were poor and had to make money, then its something to consider, but if priority is to marry a decent man before all options close, then how is moving into a remote part of USA going to serve that goal? Again, pharmacist's job will get you money, but its not a career. Its the same job profile and no growth potential (in retail).

 

- Marriage - I really have no logical reason to believe that by staying here on a work visa, I will be able to find someone. I was a student all these years. I thought, okay, I'm not able to get married because men want someone who can move to their place and work. Post-PhD I didn't have that problem, but I still couldn't get married. What makes me believe that now suddenly I would find anyone? No. I have no logical reason to believe so. I can only try and this time around I'm going to be more desperate since I'm older now and want to seal the deal. Was I not in the same state with boat loads of men from my culture? What happened? A friend said to me "You are talking about same state? I live in north CA, where these guys live. The place is crawling with men from our culture. I still can't find a man. That is why I tell you, where you live matters, but there is something more than that these men are looking for that you and I dont have." I can't take up the job hoping that I will be able to get married. What Marsh and Annie said is right "You are sad that 8 men canceled interest in you on the matrimonial site because you are leaving the country. Mind you, there was no promise that one of them would have married you, had you stayed." I agree.

 

I know everyone is going to scream at me when I say this. My only hope is the Georgia guy. Marsh, you told me that that's still a risky choice. I will be at a new state, closer to his location than before, but still its 4 hour one way flight. That means I enter into a long distance relationship (if at all). He is divorced, his family stays with him. You told me, "You don't really know this person. You will be marrying him based only on 2-3 meetings. Its a risk that you are taking, just so you can stay in the country and marry someone who wants to stay here. Why not go home instead?"

 

I talked to a close friend from back home. She is married. She said "Don't come here and rush into marrying someone in 3 months becuase you've to go back for your job. Focus on one thing. Either job in the US or be serious about getting married to a reasonable man. I would say given your age and your desire and challenges in getting married, forget about the job in the US. You will find something here. Meet men here, there is no visa issue, you can fly anywhere in the country over a weekend and meet men multiple times. You can meet their family and have them meet yours. Then you get married. If you get a job here, great, if not, stay home for a while... have fun. This is your country. You dont have an immediate need to earn. But your method to meet a man in 3 months and fly back to start your job is risky. Don't do that. You have to give this process time. Stay back, look at men. You have the pool from US still open when you stay here. Most of them come here to look for a girl anyway. But I would still tell you the same thing. You need to get to know a man enough to decide if you can stay with him and for that you need to give it time and in-person interaction. Why did the recent proposal fizzle out? Because you couldn't come back home in time and you didn't want to marry him without spending some time in-person with him. Now you say you will be coming every 6 months to look at men here. What is that going to achieve? In 15 days how much can you interact? and depending on that you are going to decide whether to marry someone or not? You are repeating the same mistake. You will not know these men from sitting there. You need to meet with them, their family and take an informed decision and for that you need to be here. If you have set your mind on marrying a man from teh US only, then stay there. Don't marry someone from there based on a week of interaction here either. I think you are setting yourself up for failure." My parents, close guy friend, and younger cousin brother agree with her views as well.

 

So, all in all, getting a postdoc here is does not seem to be beneficial professionally or personally. It will only bring me back to the US and will give me a visa. All problems still stay where they are and probably get intensified.

[marshmlofluff]

Safe travels home!!!

[LAYAAN]

Reached home safe. will update my diary from time-to-time.

[annie24]

Great! I wish you well and hope to hear from you often!

[marshmlofluff]

Great! I wish you well and hope to hear from you often!

 

Same! Yay L!

[LAYAAN]

So, the only postdoctoral position that I was ever offered, was taken away from me. The professor gave me time upto Friday this week to think over whether I wanted to accept the position or not.

 

She emailed me yesterday that she has decided to offer someone else this position since that person has worked with her before.

 

I don't know what to think of this. I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful through this.

[annie24]

I thought you are in India now? Forget the us postdoc....,,

[LAYAAN]

Yes Annie, I'm in India now. I was hoping to accept the postdoc and come back and start working in September.

[annie24]

I'd look for a permanent job in India. Going back for a postdoc just puts you in limbo again. If you want to find a husband, now is the time to look!

[marshmlofluff]

So, the only postdoctoral position that I was ever offered, was taken away from me. The professor gave me time upto Friday this week to think over whether I wanted to accept the position or not.

 

She emailed me yesterday that she has decided to offer someone else this position since that person has worked with her before.

 

I don't know what to think of this. I'm trying to stay positive and hopeful through this.

 

L.--I have seen many people get obsessed with pursuing something (a relationship, a job, money, whatever). They get stuck on chasing that thing and making it work, and believe that only that one thing can make them happy. Meanwhile their obsession with that thing and their inability to be flexible destroys the rest of their life. And more often than not, the thing itself makes them unhappy.

 

I was like that with an academic career, until I realized what I was doing. At 30 I was stuck in the middle of nowhere dating a series of rural men whom I had nothing in common with--and you know what? The job wasn't even that great. You seem to be like that about living in the US. You are stuck on the idea of staying in the US--but here's the thing--the entire time you were in the US, you were miserable to the point of regularly talking about how you wanted to kill yourself. Staying in the US delayed your search for a partner for years. I really don't understand why you want to come back here.

 

L.--you are near your family now, you are surrounded by eligible men, your family is well-settled, and you have the potential for a good life. You can be happy and positive about all of the wonderful things and opportunities you have now that you are in your country--or you can spend your time moping over not being able to spend two years as a low-paid slave at some university in the middle of nowhere, worrying that if you didn't get along with your advisor you'd get deported, and with no guarantee of a job afterward.

 

I know which option I would choose, because life is short. But it's up to you.

[annie24]

i agree with marshmellow - she always says what i mean to say, but she says it a million times better. i think doing the postdoc puts you in the same position as you were in while in grad school - not a lot of prospects, not too much job stability, not too much money, far from family, etc.... i agree that things seem to line up a lot better for you in india. so i really recommend you focus on getting situated there now. your family is there, you have many more men to chose from (not just those 8 you were talking about before!) i think you're in a better situation there. good luck

[marshmlofluff]

i agree with marshmellow - she always says what i mean to say, but she says it a million times better.

 

Thanks Annie. It's mostly just the voice of "been there done that and got a closetful of crappy T-shirts."

[Ellie2006]

I'd look for a permanent job in India. Going back for a postdoc just puts you in limbo again. If you want to find a husband, now is the time to look!

 

Sorry to hear how things turned out but I agree with Annie ...

Hope your parents are doing better now that they have you with them.

And I hope you're re-adjusting well to life back home.

Sometimes, that really CAN get hairy!

[marshmlofluff]

Btw I'm not saying your home country is as clean or wealthy or whatever as the US. It's a developing country and yes I hate to say this, but it's crowded and hot and dirty and smells like poop, and you don't get infinite hot water from the tap. In some ways life will be pretty difficult for the first couple of months. I think slowly you will adjust (that is what happens to me every time I go to your home country, at least.)

 

But every time you make a decision, you gain something and you lose something. That's just part of life. Moving home you lose some material comforts, but you can be near your family, you can take advantage of the hard work they have done all their lives, and you have a good chance of finding a man. Try to focus on that.

 

Once you feel a little less disoriented, start looking for a job, so you have some money and something to do, and so you make some friends. That will distract you.

 

And then really do your best to be happy. Sending you my good wishes from here.

[rahulrocks]

Btw I'm not saying your home country is as clean or wealthy or whatever as the US. It's a developing country and yes I hate to say this, but it's crowded and hot and dirty and smells like poop, and you don't get infinite hot water from the tap. In some ways life will be pretty difficult for the first couple of months. I think slowly you will adjust (that is what happens to me every time I go to your home country, at least.)

Wrong. It all dependance how much money you have in India. There are slums and there are Palaces as well....Sometime these discovery channel people...in order to save money live in some of the worst rented places where even my servant would not live....and then people see them and forms a very incorrect image...Why dont they go and live in TajMahal hotel or Oberia Trident.....perhaps they do not have enough money...and what about you...do you come and stay in some slum overhere..or some chawl ? that you dont get hot water..If you do not know about some good hotels i will tell you...but come with some money...I will show you an india that you have never seen....NyWays....I get infinite hot water from the tap because I have a geyser...I have infinite supply of water because i have a borewell and I do not sweat because of heat as i have Air conditioners at my office, at my house and in my car.....Moreover India is a huge country....It has some hillstations, some deserts, some normal temerature ares as well...just in case you do not know......I also want to beat that fool Danny Boyle who made Slumdog millionaire...all he could find in india were slums and beggers....Nyways....If you have money, then you have all kinds of services available which you do not find in U.S......My howard graduate cousin washes dishes by himself in U.S...whats the use of money ? He could have had a lifestyle here that you can't even imagine.......with the value for the money he would have got here......I ask him to come back, probably one day he would understand and come back. With credit crunch..and recent recession we have seen how fragile the economy of U.S is...and it is no longer a super power.....In some days...China is going to overtake it in all aspects...and it probably has already done that...And the only country that can help U.S against the threats of China is India.......

 

The country has history and heritage of over 5000 years......Its called Punya Bhoomi (The holy land).....which has produced enlightened one's like Budhdha and J. Krishnamurti. Its a place for religious seekers which give them direction. All the existing spiritual and philosophical knowledge that is present in the west is mere dust as compared to the vast ocean of spiritual knowledge present here.

 

If you talk about medical services....if one does not have proper insurance in U.S then he will die for sure out of medical expenses....this is not the case in India...its not that much expensive. Talk about technology........Cell phones which are now available in U.S came much before here......

 

I can really talk on and on....with facts and statistics.....but the only point that i want to make is.........Its a great great country......much better then any other one.....and although i may have to travel to other countries in my life...........But i certainly would like to die here........with my ashes being spread over the farms in villages.

[marshmlofluff]

I can really talk on and on....with facts and statistics.....but the only point that i want to make is.........Its a great great country......much better then any other one.....and although i may have to travel to other countries in my life...........But i certainly would like to die here........with my ashes being spread over the farms in villages.

 

Hi Rahul. This thread is a journal. It is about Layaan and her specific situation. I am not going to respond to the specific points in your post, because I feel that it would take the thread too far off topic.

 

From Layaan's last post it doesn't sound as though she is feeling 100% happy about having returned home, "poonya bhoomi" or not.

 

Which makes sense--although I ultimately feel that in her specific situation, she has much to gain by settling in India, I am not going to pretend that there weren't many good things in the US that she had to leave behind.

[rahulrocks]

Hi Rahul. This thread is a journal. It is about Layaan and her specific situation. I am not going to respond to the specific points in your post, because I feel that it would take the thread too far off topic.

 

From Layaan's last post it doesn't sound as though she is feeling 100% happy about having returned home, "poonya bhoomi" or not.

 

Which makes sense--although I ultimately feel that in her specific situation, she has much to gain by settling in India, I am not going to pretend that there weren't many good things in the US that she had to leave behind.

 

Hey marshmlofluff, I understand that this thread is a journal but i had to come into the picture because the way you put a certain previous comments about the country like hot, dirty and smells like poop ..is not acceptable to me, so i just tried to clear a few misconceptions...Secondly whether Laayan is happy about returning to India or not..does not matter to me, these are individual preferences and in no certain way can be generalized to apply to an image of an entire nation....different people different thoughts ...I myself turned down 3 offers to go to U.S....for personnel reasons...nyways....I have nothing against any other country and i respect all nations and specific things about them...Be it England, Australia, U.S or even Pakistan.

 

Last but not the least i would like to apologize if i said something in the heat of the argument which should not have been said and on that note I shall take your leave.......You guys carry on with Laayan and her specific problems...i am not going to come back here again.

[Ellie2006]

Hey marshmlofluff, I understand that this thread is a journal but i had to come into the picture because the way you put a certain previous comments about the country like hot, dirty and smells like poop ..is not acceptable to me, so i just tried to clear a few misconceptions...Secondly whether Laayan is happy about returning to India or not..does not matter to me, these are individual preferences and in no certain way can be generalized to apply to an image of an entire nation....different people different thoughts ...I myself turned down 3 offers to go to U.S....for personnel reasons...nyways....I have nothing against any other country and i respect all nations and specific things about them...Be it England, Australia, U.S or even Pakistan.

 

I dont mean to further stir the pot, but I completely agree with Rahulrocks!

Perhaps this is not the proper "space" to discuss this matter since it IS, after all, Layaan's journal.

But I too dont think it's right to disparage an entire nation, even if it is for the sake of comforting someone.

 

In any event, I think returning "home" (after having left it for a significant period) is difficult under any circumstance.

 

L, I dont know if you are going to ultimately get your own place or live with your parents until you get married, but just keep in mind that it DOES take time to get re-acclimated again to living with someone after living on your own!

 

I'm sure your parents will get on your nerves and you will get on theirs.

BUT try to give it some time!

 

Take care of yourself~

[marshmlofluff]

I dont mean to further stir the pot, but I completely agree with Rahulrocks!

Perhaps this is not the proper "space" to discuss this matter since it IS, after all, Layaan's journal.

But I too dont think it's right to disparage an entire nation, even if it is for the sake of comforting someone.

Take care of yourself~

 

Ellie--I have been supportive of L. returning to India since probably 2010, so it's not my intent to disparage any country.

 

I can only speak based on my experience and the experience of many, many people I know: The crowds, the heat, and the problems with public sanitation and infrastructure in India tend to be a shock for people who have gotten used to the US, where these issues are not as prevalent overall. Others may have their own opinions and experiences, to which they are entitled.

 

As to being crowded, India is 1/3 the size of the US, with 3x the population. Regarding heat, I agree that all of India isn't hot all year; however, it's summer now and the city where L. is will hit 97 F tomorrow. And as to sanitation--disposal of human and animal waste is a huge and widespread problem. Though you may consider these disparaging generalizations, I consider them issues that I suspect someone going from the US to an urban environment in India will face.

 

I also disagree with Rahul that you can insulate yourself from these things by earning a lot of money. Sure, you can live in a gated community--but you are always affected by what goes on outside your gates, whether that be infrastructure, power outages, rioting, or disease. These things don't respect gates. The overall standard of living around you matters and significantly affects your quality of life. That's true anywhere in the world. If you live in a crime-infested inner city in the US, having the nicest house on the block doesn't solve the problem of urban decay around you.

 

I think this thread is digressing from L.'s experience. The goal of this thread (as I see it) is to help her be happy and choose the best life paths available to her.

 

I'd really rather hear how L. is doing than debate this further.

[LAYAAN]

Sorry... I didn't have access to internet for a few days. I wasn't able to update my journal regularly. Now I have broadband internet. I will update you all soon.

[annie24]

excellent. i hope you are doing well. looking forward to the update!!

[LAYAAN]

In a period of 2 weeks since I landed, I have met 3 men.

 

2 men - its not going to work. They are both good-looking according to their community standards. It has been more than 1 week since we met in traditional setting and they haven't called back.

 

1 - I was talking with him while I was in the US. He came up with date, time, and place for us to meet. I showed up. He wasn't there. Called him, him "I have relatives over at my place. I called you. Your phone was switched off." Never said sorry, never called back, never rescheduled. My phone had problems since the morning on the day we were to meet. According to him, he called twice (1.5 hours before meeting time) to inform me that he was canceling the plan. Here, you dont get voice messaging system automatically. So, if your phone is switched off, you have no way of telling who called, unless you pay for a service that will only show you phone no.s that you missed calls from.

 

1 - met in person. He has been consistent and sincere from the beginning. I'll write more about him.

[LAYAAN]

excellent. i hope you are doing well. looking forward to the update!!

Thank you Annie, Yes, I'm doing okay. How is your work going? How are you doing?

[LAYAAN]

The guy I recently met with... I was in touch with him since my last few days in the US.

 

When we met, he confided in me (without my asking anything) "I'm not a virgin."

Me "ok" (with a straight face and calm voice)

Him "I was in a FWB arrangement. It was purely physical. There were no emotions involved. I was at that age. Had different priorities, I guess. I wanted to tell you this before. I don't know how much it matters to you. My take on the past is - dont' worry about it unless it affects your present/future."

I didn't say a word. My face clearly showed pain when he uttered "FWB". I physically moved away from him. My eyes welled up. Hope he didnt see that. Brought back memories when I was all over a man who seemed to have everything I wanted in a man until he opened his mouth and said that he has paid several women for the act and these were women who do it for living.

 

After a couple of minutes, I managed to look at him and ask "Did the girl know this was FWB?"

Him "Yes"

Me "and she was okay with that?"

Him "Yes"

Me "How long ago was this?"

Him "I dont want to talk about this any more. What I shared with you is all I can share with you about my past. sorry"

 

Again silence. We both kept staring outside.

 

Me "Have you ever paid for it?"

Him "No. It takes a certain level of shamelessness in a man to do it with someone who is not interested in sleeping with him. That is tough for a man, just so you know."

 

Again silence.

 

Me "My problem is not that you have experienced it. My problem is that there were no emotions involved from your side."

Him "Its interesting how people think differently. I would be more concerned if the relationship was also an emotional one."

Me "..."

Him "Would you prefer to marry a man who lied to a girl to believe that she was his GF to get sex from her? Is paying for sex better than being honest with a woman and letting her know that you are in a FWB arrangement? Where do you draw the line?"

Me "I don't know answer to this."

 

silence again

 

Him "If you are not comfortable being here with me, I wouldn't mind if you decide to go. I dont' want to hold you up here."

Me "No... thats okay. I'll tell you when I feel like going."

 

silence again

 

Me "Why are you sitting here with me?"

Him "I want to get married. I want to get to know you."

Me "Why do you want to get married?"

Him "I'm at that age. I want companionship. Why do you think Hollywood actors, football players, millionaires get married? We all reach that stage."

 

Is this man more likely to cheat in marriage than any other man? Sometimes ignorance is bliss. It really is. What do I do with the information I have now?

[annie24]

Here's my take on things. Don't take this as gospel because we are different, our cultures are different and we are looking for different things. Well, I think we are both looking for faithful, decent husbands, so we are alike in that regard.

 

Me "How long ago was this?"

Him "I dont want to talk about this any more. What I shared with you is all I can share with you about my past. sorry"

 

This to me is a red flag. Ok, so he told you about his sexual experience, which is good, he didn't have to tell you. (I'm assuming that everyone is a virgin unless otherwise stated?) However, I would be curious when did this take place. 1 year ago? 10 years ago? 2 days ago? For me, the time matters. Or, more specifically, I would want her out of his life, forever. I think it's totally natural and human to have sexual urges and normal to act on them as well. I think it's better to be honest and say you are only looking for benefits vs. tricking a girl into thinking he is her boyfriend. I like honesty. But I would also be completely clear that this thing with his "friend(s) with benefits" is done and over with, 2000%.

 

I don't think it necessarily makes him more apt to cheat, all sorts of people cheat. He is clearly a man who prioritizes sex, so I would find out how often he wants it, etc....Ask him what he expects of his future wife. that might give you more clues as to what is in his head. i don't know if he's the kind of man who says, "well, my wife only gives it to me once every x days, thus, I'm going to look for something on the side."

 

I know he says he wants companionship, well, you can get companionship from friends, from pets, etc.... so I would want to hear more. What about marriage is important to him, etc...? And what about marriage is important to you Layaan? I know you want companionship as well.