Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

 

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

 

 

This is from the website you posted on the last page. I thought of you. I don't want you to get married to escape from your life here. I don't think that will be a wise idea, and can make things even worse.

[marshmlofluff]

This is from the website you posted on the last page. I thought of you. I don't want you to get married to escape from your life here. I don't think that will be a wise idea, and can make things even worse.

 

I was thinking exactly what Annie said. I haven't been married, but I've been in long-term relationships where I've been ->

[LAYAAN]

Ladies, thank you for being good friends (no seriously... its not a sarcastic remark).

I know that I'm not taking this decision in an ideal situation. I wish circumstances were not like that. I just am tired of standing in the market. If I had a permanent residency here or was very close to getting one, I would not consider the current offer from that guy, but I'm not sure that there is a future for me here either.

I've 3 strikes against me. 1) bad economy 2) need visa support 3) fresh out of grad school, no real work experience. Men that I'm interested in, won't bother talking to me. That is why I've to choose from men that are interested in me.

I asked myself this Q today... what is making you go back? love for that man or fear that you won't meet anyone else? Its really the fear that if I let this opportunity pass, I don't have any decent guy lined up.

[penelope13]

You really want to destroy/eradicate everything that you did the last 10years for the fear of maybe not finding someone else?

 

This fear has made you go on so many bad dates, has put you in so many unhappy situations, has taken away so much energies from your studies. Giving in to this fear has never helped you to lesson it, nor has it helped with obtaining your degrees. You have been at this point, experiencing this fear again and again.

 

The one thing that you haven't tried once: giving the marriage market a true rest, letting everything related with it simply go - and fully focus on studies, finding a job, obtaining a visa.

 

You have not once approached the marriage market with the attitude: 'I don't care if I meet someone or not, it would be great if/when I will, but until then I will be fine and in control of my own life and happiness'.

 

You have talked a lot about your parents not understanding the decisions you have made and them not considering you an independent adult. How do you think your interaction with them is going to change if you come back without trying to finish your exams? They will consider the last 10years a loss for you and they will probably let you feel it, they will not realize that the time in the US was important to you and your development.

 

You are running a high risk of ending up in an unhappy marriage (since your screening process and decision making is driven by fear), with parents who will tell you 'I told you so', with the certainty that you may never find the opportunity/strength to start and live an independent life in the US - a dream that you had for a very, very long time.

 

Don't give up so close to the exams.

 

Remember you were very anxious and fearful before your PhD came to an end - yet you stuck it out and you succeeded. - You have the chance again.

 

Just don't let the fear take this chance away from you.

 

Acknowledge that you are afraid - yet let it not stop you from going after the things that you really want.

[LAYAAN]

Oct 12th mom had cataract surgery. I could do nothing from here, so only prayed that everything would go well. Mom was angry that I couldnt be there to help her. Her sisters couldn't stay long. Noone cared for her.

Before this would end... a wall of my parents' home collapsed. My parents live in a very very old house. My parents are safe, but dad is of no use and mom still was recovering. I kept telling her to put a bandage on the eye to protect it from dirt, but her doctor told her not to. I used to call my parents everyday, but again its really no use. They were so busy taking care of everything else, my phone calls would interrupt and annoy them.

Mom even said to me "You are a selfish woman. All you care about is yourself. When we need you here the most, as usual you are studying for your exams. Do you think that there will be a day in your life when you would have no more exams?"

I only listened, said that I was really sorry, cried and back to daily struggle.

 

I really don't understand what am I hanging here for.

1) I was really hoping that I would be able to get married once my education is over. After all... that was the most common reason every man gave me "your education is still going on. I'm not going to wait for you." Alright, so what happened now? Now they are giving me this reason that I dont' have a job in their town, so they would rather wait for someone who has a job or can at least show a job offer in their town. I have no hope of marriage.

2) Will I really be able to work as a pharmacist here? I don't know. Considering my visa challenges and the state of pharmacy field right now, the only jobs I would (be lucky to) find would be deep in the interiors. Again men are going to say "huh... I can't move there. Can you get a job in my town? If not, I'm not interested."

3) I have no interest in going for a postdoc. I just want to get a regular 9-5 job and not have to fight for grants and worry about results and manuscripts, blah blah.

I really think moving back to my home country will be a good decision for everyone... myself and my parents.

[marshmlofluff]

I really think moving back to my home country will be a good decision for everyone... myself and my parents.

 

That might very well be true. Personally, had I been raised in India I would never want to settle abroad, no matter how much higher the standard of living is. It's just too lonely and too hard a struggle.

 

But anyway, if keeping your options open is just a question of a few weeks and an exam then just spend the remaining few weeks, and take the exam. A few weeks this way or that do not matter. Finish your exams, and then consider whether you want to stay here.

[penelope13]

L, I can only implore you to read through your own journal and to realize that just before the final exams/days of your PhD your anxiety was higher than ever and in response your fears and doubts went through the roof.

 

I think the same is happening now that the dates for your pharma exams are closing in. Please just realize it's high anxiety and fear that is making you depressed and wanting to run away.

 

As Marsh said, it's only a few more weeks. Those are not going to make a huge difference on your interactions with your parents or the marriage situation. Just force yourself to do the exams. Afterwards is still enough opportunity to decide if you want to return to India.

[annie24]

Another vote for making the big decision on whether or not to move to india after you take your exams.

[LAYAAN]

link removed

link removed

 

don't know why I bother really.

[annie24]

L - can you try to put thoughts and frustrations about marriage and relationships out of your head for a few weeks while you focus on your exams? not to be rude, but there is really no point in philosophizing about these things at this time. The day after the exams are over, sure, think about marriage and google marriage articles as much as you want. but for now, i think you really just need to focus.

[LAYAAN]

So, I've been thinking about this for a while and have been wanting to write about it here. I'm not able to focus on my exams not just because of my marriage anxiety, but also because I feel I've suddenly realized how vain it is for me to even try and take these exams. Its like I spent last 5 years wanting something, making it my goal, going through horrors of working with someone and a challenging program so I could stay here and finish steps towards my goal and when I'm finally closer to it, I realize that it doesn't fit me anymore, that life's circumstances have changed so much that now suddenly I feel like a fool for even pursuing this goal for so many years.

 

I have been doing a lot of thinking about what is the best solution for my challenges. What can I do to make my life happy and that includes the fact that my parents are putting huge amount of pressure on me to come back for good.

 

My parents simply dont want me to take the exams unless I can directly use the license in my home country (which I can't). Their reasoning behind this "We are unable to even look for men here because you are there and you won't come back because of your exams which are useless in this country anyway. Do you see how important things in your life are getting delayed because of your own decisions?"

 

I won't talk (today) about why the heck did I even get this degree, etc. because I have it now, so why I got it doesn't matter. The Q is where am I going now? what am I going to do? What is it that I desire from my life? I desire to live a happy, productive life. So I need to look for a place where I can do that. I'm not completely sure that this country is the best place that would allow me that. There are 2 options here - 1) Stay single in this country. Work my tail off to get a permanent residency status on my own and its going to take years and years. When I'm at it, I'll basically have to give up the possibility of ever getting married here because I'm already old in that market and young blood is replacing me fast. 2) Get married to someone here. Get my PR that way, get a husband, etc. Sure, that seems like a good solution, but no man is willing to marry me because the million dollar Q is "Will you be able to find a job in my town?"

 

So, lets tackle this work Q -

(This is the reason why I'm losing focus on my exams) Even if I get a license today, I don't have a hope of finding a job in a major city. Why? because I need visa support. My friends from this field are all over the US. They are telling me the same thing. Will I get a job? Yes, that's certain. If you are willing to move anywhere, you will get a job and a sponsorship. But now due to recession and because you require a visa, you need to take what is available and those jobs are away from major cities. Alright, so even if I jump over all the hurdles and finally get my license, it will not help me to attract a man. But if I want to live in this country and get a PR, yes, that would help me. (more on this in a minute)

 

I really desire a 9-5 job. I can teach (pure teaching) and come home. I got a few opportunities where I could do this, but they wouldn't sponsor my visa. So, I couldn't take those jobs no matter how much I wanted to jump at those offers.

 

Clinical research opportunities- I got selected, but these were contract jobs, no visa support, so I turned them down. Sometimes I think I should take these contract positions because they are in places where there are lots of men from my culture so I might luck out and find a man just because I'm in the area.

 

Research work - I dont want a postdoc position. I do not desire to have a career in research. But that is what I'm currently being offered. So, I took that offer up as they are willing to get me a visa.

 

So, if a man marries me and sponsors my visa, sure I can stay with him and I can work in pharmacy field. I shared this with some of the men in a subtle way "If I bring license and you bring visa, this will work out. I will get a job in your town, you will get a working wife. Everyone wins.", but they want someone who already is living in their town and has a job of her own. I live in a state where the northern part of this state is crawling with men from my culture, but most men said to me "Move over here on your own, get a job here on your own, get a visa on your own, then call me back. If I'm available, I will consider you. I am not interested in 'getting to know' someone who is hours away because I'm able to get women from my culture right here in my area and they also have a job here. So why should I bother with you?" I'm not angry at anyone anymore. I understand where they are coming from (knowledge and acceptance of truth will set you free). They have choices so they are able to choose. If you have a choice between taking the harder route Vs easy route, who wouldn't choose the easy route? So, I relaxed my criteria and accepted interest from those men that 1) I am physically not attracted to (based on their photos) 2) only have a BS degree 3) are divorced 4) are really far away from me (geographically), 5) obviously physically challenged; guy with a hump on his back, guy that limps due to some medical condition, guy with diabetes. Now, I'm thinking of going for men that have kids. (Is there anything lower than this?)

 

So, I'm at a point where I'm asking myself - What is the desire to tough it out and to make it in the US bringing you? You are marrying (willing to marry. Not that it will happen) a man that you would otherwise not choose. You are working in a field (postdoc) that you truly dislike. You are unable to take care of your parents when they need you the most (and this will continue until you get your PR and citizenship). So, ultimately these compromises are eroding your happiness. Why not give up the fight? Why not accept your limitations and go back now that you have your degree? I really am at a point where I have to decide something about marriage due to my age. I wish I was 5 years younger. The pool has not yet completely dried out. Yes, I've considered the possibility of never marrying as well. I'm okay with that, but then I must stay in the western part of the world (where people don't pick at single women). And I wish I could stay here forever, but oh... the visa issues! (that's why I mentioned earlier, if I had my PR, I would not care, but I don't have it, I may not get it, so I have to take hard decisions today).

 

The short-term solution - I have accepted job offer at my Univ. They said that they will get me a visa. Currently I'm not getting paid and even though its hurting my pocket, its allowing me to study. Getting a visa will take a few months. So, I plan to study, take my exams. Get my visa approved in a few months, go back home to get it stamped, parents will have a few men lined up then. Decide if I want one of those. If I don't choose, come back here. If I want to give in, marry one of those and stay back there.

[annie24]

I think you should consider what you want to do on your own. What if you never marry? I don't think you should settle in your mind for some guy who breathes and is a man and will marry you. Maybe you should consider what YOU want to do and what will make YOU happy.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, my circumstances are pushing me to think about that and be honest with myself even if that currently hurts. I have to be honest with myself and face my fears. A good friend said to me recently "The only way you would choose the right person for marriage is when you accept singlehood as a valid choice and not look upon it with contempt.

 

I agree with you all, especially Penny. I've been running around feeling scared. For now I just need to focus on my exam and deal with everything else later.

[marshmlofluff]

Yes, my circumstances are pushing me to think about that and be honest with myself even if that currently hurts. I have to be honest with myself and face my fears. A good friend said to me recently "The only way you would choose the right person for marriage is when you accept singlehood as a valid choice and not look upon it with contempt.

 

I agree with you all, especially Penny. I've been running around feeling scared. For now I just need to focus on my exam and deal with everything else later.

 

Yes. Here is the point; maybe you decide to return to India, and maybe you don't. It doesn't matter, as far as your exams are concerned. Just take your exams, and then you can leave the next day if you want.

 

I think your parents' fear (as well as this guy's) is that you will pass your exams, and decide you are never coming home.

[penelope13]

IMHO your logic (post #1912) is all screwed up. This is not to criticize, but to help you realize why your thought patterns are so negative and defeatist. I would highly recommend that you print out a visual reminder, something like: "it's not me, but just my fears". This may help you to stop your thought processes when your mind is going in a down spiral.

 

You keep saying "I want to be happy" - yet you don't spend any significant amount of time (according to this 2 year ongoing thread) trying to figure out what it is really that would make you happy.

 

Each paragraph in post 1912 is only describing a way how to escape a particular fear.

 

I can only repeat myself: if you want to succeed (in all of your endeavors) you have to start changing your strategy if the one you have employed a million times is not leading to success. You know that. You have studied the scientific process. It's not different when it comes to finding solutions to emotional challenges. Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result will only lead to increased suffering and despair.

 

The only true way to escape fear is to face it.

[Ellie2006]

Penny, a GREAT post, not just for L to read over but also for others to read and to apply to their specific situations.

 

L, I'm going to say something a little bit different.

While I *do* agree (w/ the others) that you should focus on your exam, I completely understand where you're coming from (and where your parents are coming from) re: the practical aspect of it.

 

Let me preface this by saying I dont know much about your field, and I dont know how much currency your pharm. licence will have in your finding a job in the US.

Subsequently, what I have to say may NOT apply to your field/situation.

 

But in my field (humanities/education) -- the job market is b.a.d. really really b.a.d.

Which means, there will be literally thousands of applicants for one job.

 

Out of the thousands that apply, the hiring committee will have more than a handful who will really "wow" them.

From that particular batch, it is more likely that they will choose someone who creates as LITTLE work/difficulty for them as possible.

(Please do note that I base this on my meager experience of having been on both sides of the fiasco that is the hiring process.)

 

And what this boils down to is: the hiring committee, unless they really really really really really want THAT candidate, will NOT want to deal with the hassles related to the work visa. In fact, most people on the hiring committee (if they are NOT international scholars and/or if they are not working at a major city/big research university with lots of international scholars) will have absolutely NO idea about all the complicated and cumbersome work involved with work visa, but when they get an inkling of all the hassles involved ... the tendency is to move onto a different candidate without all the complications. Now that I'm at the other side of the hiring table, I see that this is one "practical" standard to differentiate between candidates because ... it's really really hard to distinguish between ALL the qualified individuals that apply. Sure, things might be different at other schools but from what I've seen, unless that candidate excels over everyone else, hiring committees tend to "favor" those who create as little (extra) work for us them as possible.

 

 

L, please do know I am NOT saying this to discourage you OR be pessimistic.

But this is the market (and the hiring committee) that international scholars are facing.

 

I personally know 3 people who were told (if I include myself, then 4), in so many words, they were not hired, specifically because they are international scholars.

(and in this economy, the hiring committee felt that it would be better to hire "homegrown" scholars")

In one situation, I was in the top 2 and the job went to the other person.

 

Now I am NOT going to say my being an international was the only reason I didnt get that particular job.

I'm sure there were other contributing factors. But I was told by one of the members of the hiring committee (who was kind of in my field and read some of my work, etc) in a roundabout way that this was the case. Who knows. Maybe he was just saying it to make me feel better.

 

BUT in case of my colleagues, they were told straight out that THAT was the reason.

 

So unless this exam/licence will SECURE you a job in the US, it might be smart for you to think of other options.

 

For instance, if you do not want to return home at the moment, and if you are interested in a university teaching position, have you considered working at universities in other countries -- maybe in the pan-Asian region -- like Hong Kong or Singapore, or even Australia or New Zealand -- where you will be able to (and the universities prefer you to) teach in English?

 

Of course, life is a risk and I think challenging yourself to overcome the obstacles involved with this exam and licence is great. I truly do.

 

But in light of the job market, I do think it would be smart to really CLEARLY assess your situation, be frank to yourself about what your chances are re: job security in the US, and consider what your options are and what might be the best strategy to securing a job, maybe in the US, maybe elsewhere.

 

Finally, I do understand your hesitance/resistance in returning home, but to some extent, I am a bit baffled bc India --- it's such a vibrant place buzzing with scholarly activities. Yes, yes, I do know of your particular situation but still, maybe things wont be as dire as you imagine them to be once you return home.

 

whatever you decide, I wish you the best...

[LAYAAN]

I wrote in my journal about this guy I was super interested in meeting.

 

Well... this is how things went down.

Late July to late August... video chatting full speed. We would talk 5-6 hours on weekends.

He said that he would come to visit me Sept end.

I was away for a week for professional reasons. After I came back, I noticed a change in his behavior. He suddenly told me (after I asked him) that we wont be meeting and didn't give a reason. From that point, I decided to stop talking.

He called on my BD and I tried to keep it real short, only 10 min conversation.

There was absolutely no contact for 1 month (1.5 months really).

 

Now he sent me an email. "I was very busy. Can we catch up over the weekend if you dont' mind?" This is not entirely true. He may be busy, but he was logging on to the website (we are registered on) every single day. I would see him online, but he wouldn't talk to me (may be he didn't see me?). Then I started logging out of chat everytime I saw him to resist the temptation of asking him what he was upto. I think that he was interested in someone and things didnt' work out and now he is coming back. I am hesitant to talk to him again and get my hopes up. Am I taking this more seriously than he is?

 

He is visiting his home country Dec-Jan (this is the real reason why I want to meet with him even though I'm studying for exams. Recently a guy I was talking to asked me if I could fly to NY in a week's time to visit him. When I didn't do so, he went back as per his scheduled visit, came back engaged. His dad told my mom "What do you want my son to do? Turn down a decent girl here in hopes that he may like your daughter after he flies back to the US single? Thats foolishness. He is engaged now."). I want to visit my parents too, but I can't leave until my visa is approved. He knows the situation about my visa. My preference is to meet him here so we both can decide if we want to proceed. If not, it will help me take a decision about men back home as well.

 

I want to tell him "I am not interested in talking without a plan to meet up. If you are not ready to meet now, then that's okay, you can get back in touch with me if and when you want to meet. If you have any Qs and are hesitant to meet due to that, I'm happy to answer them." I'm no longer interested in getting emotionally involved with this guy. I am not talking to anyone now. I closed a bunch of matches recently and emailed a couple of guys that I'm taking a break due to professional responsibility (I didn't want to leave them hanging). I do want to reply to his email. I think it is the appropriate thing to do. What do I do?

[annie24]

I want to tell him "I am not interested in talking without a plan to meet up. If you are not ready to meet now, then that's okay, you can get back in touch with me if and when you want to meet. If you have any Qs and are hesitant to meet due to that, I'm happy to answer them." I'm no longer interested in getting emotionally involved with this guy. I am not talking to anyone now. I closed a bunch of matches recently and emailed a couple of guys that I'm taking a break due to professional responsibility (I didn't want to leave them hanging). I do want to reply to his email. I think it is the appropriate thing to do. What do I do?

 

*sigh.......*

 

I think you need to work on being light and flirty. Your choice of words there is very combative and if I were a man, probably a turn off. I know that you are bitter and upset and sick to death of this stupid marriage business and people making these threats like if you take the afternoon to go grocery shopping, he might be engaged to someone else by the time you get home.

 

why don't you say, "I've enjoyed our conversations and would like to meet in person, what do you think?" Isn't that so much nicer and more inviting to a man?? THEN, if he hems and haws, you can tell him, "Well, why don't you just call me when you are interested in meeting up. Take care." and stop communicating.

[Ellie2006]

*sigh.......*

 

I think you need to work on being light and flirty. Your choice of words there is very combative and if I were a man, probably a turn off. I know that you are bitter and upset and sick to death of this stupid marriage business and people making these threats like if you take the afternoon to go grocery shopping, he might be engaged to someone else by the time you get home.

 

why don't you say, "I've enjoyed our conversations and would like to meet in person, what do you think?" Isn't that so much nicer and more inviting to a man?? THEN, if he hems and haws, you can tell him, "Well, why don't you just call me when you are interested in meeting up. Take care." and stop communicating.

 

YES!

 

I understand that you may not want to waste time and money on these meetings that wont pan out.

Still, I agree with Annie that if you meet more ... casually, things will work out better bc you're not placing so much pressure on yourself to find a husband.

 

Maybe you can see these meetings more as a "date" (something fun and light) rather than an interview with a potential spouse.

 

Good luck~

[LAYAAN]

I think you need to work on being light and flirty. Your choice of words there is very combative and if I were a man, probably a turn off.

Thanks. I didn't know that my words came accross like this. As I'm reflecting on it, yes, I do come accross as someone who is on a mission. That's terrible!

 

I know that you are bitter and upset and sick to death of this stupid marriage business and people making these threats like if you take the afternoon to go grocery shopping, he might be engaged to someone else by the time you get home.

hahahahah... this is hilarious

 

Why don't you say, "I've enjoyed our conversations and would like to meet in person, what do you think?" Isn't that so much nicer and more inviting to a man?? THEN, if he hems and haws, you can tell him, "Well, why don't you just call me when you are interested in meeting up. Take care." and stop communicating.

Thanks, but I've already told him this last time. If and when you are ready to meet, let me know. Then I didn't call, he didn't call either. I'm going to keep the conversation short this time around.

[LAYAAN]

I've heard this over n over "stay fun, stay light". How do you stay light and fun and flirty when you are investing time getting to know someone and you are concerned about not wasting your time.

I know Penny has said before that you have to give them time. Alright, I really give enough (sometimes more than enough) time. I don't push for meeting in 2nd conversation itself, but guys talk and talk and vanish on me and I don't know why.

[LAYAAN]

YES!

 

I understand that you may not want to waste time and money on these meetings that wont pan out.

Still, I agree with Annie that if you meet more ... casually, things will work out better bc you're not placing so much pressure on yourself to find a husband.

 

Maybe you can see these meetings more as a "date" (something fun and light) rather than an interview with a potential spouse.

 

Good luck~

Thank you. I write here more openly about my frustrations. After so many "interviews" (I was interviewed and turned down. I never got a chance to interview) I really do see these interviews as nothing more than an opportunity for the guy to see me. I have written here and even in my profile that I do want to spend some time getting to know the guy before I finally tie the knot. I don't want to call it "dating" because there is more western feel to dating than there is to "getting to know". But I appreciate your reply and I will really try to relax more.

[LAYAAN]

Talking about relaxing....

I was turned off just after reading 1 profile and talking to 2 men who seemed quite bitter and angry and resentful. That one profile mentioned very clearly at the beginning "only serious inquiries". Something stopped me from reading on. I don't know what.

I talked to one man who was simply hostile and talked about revenge. I let him go.

Another man... interviewed me "Are you in the looking phase or settling down phase? I want to get married and settle down."

Me "Umm... I'm not sure I get your Q exactly. I'm looking so I can get married and settle down. Since I haven't found someone I can marry, well... I'm in the looking phase."

Him "Are you serious about marriage? I've had people vanish on me. Everyone is doing their own thing. There is noone to control these single men n women." (man... do I sound like this sometime? If I do... thats scary)

Me "I'm serious about getting married. I'm a sincere person. I guess people on ____ are seriously looking, but if they are not serious about someone that just means that they don't really *want to* get serious with them, because they don't see the potential in them. That doesn't mean that they are not seriously looking. Hope that makes sense. And you can't do much to find out well ahead of time if you are wasting your time with someone. I'm not saying that you should waste your time, but if you stay alert, you will know if it looks like you are wasting your time. There is no formula really to know that in advance. You have to understand that people you describe as "time wasters" are not out there looking to waste someone's time. If you feel like you wasted time, may be step back and review what you did that made you feel like you wasted your time. We all have our fair share of wasted efforts, but this is trial and error process. You learn about yourself and the process and people along the way."

He still kept asking me same Q. oh well...

[annie24]

I've heard this over n over "stay fun, stay light". How do you stay light and fun and flirty when you are investing time getting to know someone and you are concerned about not wasting your time.

I know Penny has said before that you have to give them time. Alright, I really give enough (sometimes more than enough) time. I don't push for meeting in 2nd conversation itself, but guys talk and talk and vanish on me and I don't know why.

 

Well, I'd say that one way to do it is not to act like the guy you wrote about in your next post. don't keep pushing and being combative regarding your intentions. You pointed out correctly to him that maybe some of those people are serious about marriage, but are not interested in getting serious with him, for whatever reason. he sounds angry and bitter. kind of like what i told you, you can express interest in seeing the man and meeting in person in a way that is flirtatious and fun rather than sounding like it's some kind of threat.

 

kind of like you, i also get turned off when someone says to me, 'if you're not serious, let's not meet.' i met a guy on eharmony (and now when i think of it, i think he was somewhere from india originially.) he also lived 3 hours away from me. we were supposed to meet, but he called me before and said something along the lines of, "I'm very busy and don't want to waste my time, if you can't guarantee 100% that you'll be there, I don't want to meet up." I don't know - maybe he's been burned in the past but something in his tone of voice made me say, 'you're right - i can't guarantee there won't be some kind of emergency i need to tend to on that afternoon. let's call it off.' i mean, i couldn't really guarantee that i couldn't get sick 2 weeks from now and have to cancel the date, right??

 

I think if you want to meet, just say you would like to meet sooner rather than later, and then see what his actions are from there.

 

when is your exam?

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

When is my exam... I keep postponing it due to fear. I keep running away. I'm not doing a good job at studying my tail off. Hoping to take pretest by Nov end. Depending on that score will decide the date for real test.

 

Even if meeting is the next logical step, I'm not sure if I should really meet him before my exams. Whether he likes me or not I am going to be emotionally distraught thinking about him. Focused efforts are necessary at this time. My nature is such that I tend to replay the whole incident in my head over n over and analyze it to the last bits. I keep telling myself not to do that, but clearly I'm not getting it right. I decided to stop talking to everyone until exams.

 

I'm doubting, worrying, analyzing. I need to trust that when I meet the right person, I will know it. Why can't I relax until then and get busy with my exams? I agree with Penny. She said that I need to go through my journal and see that I was behaving exactly like this when I was getting closer to finishing PhD.