Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

really, it varies from case to case, but there have been examples where there was a prenup, but the couple was married for a long time, and he was a successful businessman, while she was a stay at home mom, raising the kids, minding the house, etc.... sometimes the courts decide that her contribution to the household, to him, to the family was enough to warrant the old terms of the prenup, which were unfair. i don't think there is such a thing as an iron clad prenup these days....

 

i'd say, overall it varies. yes, your friend has a point about getting the license before marriage. though i'm sure a tough lawyer could argue "well, they married 1 month before she got her exam, so that doesn't count." it would be different if he married and supported you through your phd process.

 

if a man really thinks that his wife's contribution is 'worthless' why did he marry her? just for sex? even hookers cost money!! they're sensible enough to ask for the money up front as well.

[LAYAAN]

yes, your friend has a point about getting the license before marriage. though i'm sure a tough lawyer could argue "well, they married 1 month before she got her exam, so that doesn't count." it would be different if he married and supported you through your phd process.

well, yes, you are right. Thats why people seek high profile attorneys to settle divorce cases "fairly". My friend tells me to get married only after I pass both exams not just after taking the exam. Can you imagine Annie... that we have to pay attention to all these details to safeguard ourselves?

 

if a man really thinks that his wife's contribution is 'worthless' why did he marry her? just for sex? even hookers cost money!! they're sensible enough to ask for the money up front as well.

honey... thats exactly the point... because he doesn't want to keep paying for sex. Also, you know there is no telling if the girl you are paying for sex is clean or not. He doesn't want to deal with that so he just decided to marry. Now someone might argue "why do you need to marry for sex? just get a girlfriend" well, sure thats a valid point, but girlfriends won't necessarily cook and clean and do the laundry and keep the house neat. A live-in girlfriend may, but then you have to deal with her living with you under your roof and she may start nagging soon "where is my ring? where is the wedding date? You can't milk me for free like this." Some men don't want that either. So I guess some men prefer to just call it a day and tie the knot... then they start hating the woman they married.

[annie24]

well, yes, sex, cooking, cleaning - these things all have value! that is why the stay at home wife doesn't get $0 at the divorce! plus, if she had not met him, she would have had to get a job, no? you can't leave her with nothing after years of service.

[LAYAAN]

yes, that sounds logical. I guess that's the reason there is this push from men for their wives to get job, so they don't have to pay alimony and this and that at the time of divorce. I think working wives have it hard too. They have to work outside and try to keep their job and come home and work hard at home too. Housewives have it tough too... whichever way you go... its tough.

[LAYAAN]

My anxiety is getting the best of me. I have wasted an entire day today. I have lost sight of my goal. I'm flustered and I'm running all over the place. I've been applying for positions like a mad woman. Why? I don't know because I want to get a job. Why can't I be more stable and level-headed? What is my goal? What do I really want to see myself achieve in few months from now? What the h is wrong with me? ughhh.....

 

I applied for a research position somewhere. I didn't get it, but I got a call for interview and now I told them I'm sorry I'm no longer interested. What do they think of me now? Why did you even apply? I realized that it is not what I'm really looking for. I will be moving where I don't want to be. The pay is really low. They are not sponsoring me for a work visa. Its a renewable contract. The up side is I will be getting industry experience and I will start getting some money (right now I have nothing). 2 people- 1) hiring manager 2) a seasoned professional with 10 years of experience in the field told me the same thing. If you really have no other choice, join that position. If not, wait, and do what you are currently doing. Remember, in those positions, the pay is going to be low, you will have to work hard (so you can just forget about studying for your exams). If you join these positions, make sure that you learn things quick and try to move up the ladder quickly or you will get stuck doing that work. Most of the time, you will be able to make lateral movement in this field, but not upward.

[penelope13]

Don't get hung up on what people may think, especially the ones you are most likely not going to see ever again in your life.

 

Do your due diligence (as much as possible) ahead of applications: if you already know the position is at a location that you don't want to move to, only apply if this could be an easy attainable backup option in order to fulfill visa requirements. It wouldn't be the first time if someone accepts a job, but then quits a few months later (or cancels before arrival), since they found something better in the meantime.

 

If you are at risk of forgetting what your goal is - print out a huge banner and put it in your bedroom/office; make a pop up on your computer etc - anything to give you a visual reminder.

 

If you need to let out the anxiety: schedule a specific time during your day where you allow yourself to fret - so that the rest of the day you can focus.

 

If you have trouble with focusing, choose to learn a sport, a game, video game - anything that requires instant focusing. I used to do martial arts: although I am not practicing anymore, I have truly learned how I can switch off every thought in my brain and just focus on the task at hand within seconds.

 

If your thoughts are running wild - do something to switch off your brain: breathing exercise, yoga, 10min TV - just in order to be able to have once clear thought after another instead of 50 different ones all at the same time.

[LAYAAN]

Penny, thank you for the 1st and 2nd paragraph. I couldn't sleep last night thinking that I've ruined my chances of establishing myself in this field (the professional with 10 years of experience in the field called me and told me that its not like that. People reject job offers/interviews all the time.) I slept hardly 4 hours total. Now up. I may need to talk to those people. Prayed. Your message gives me courage. Thank you.

 

Yes, total 5 factors bother me about taking that position (not in any order)-

1) bad location

2) bad pay

3) no sponsorship (I will be really anxious after starting the work, knowing that I'm not working towards something)

4) bad career decision, chance of getting stuck doing the work

5) inability to study for exams

 

If I had not talked to the professional (and I thank God that the person was available to talk), I would have happily taken the position. He said to me "You are new in the field, but you don't need to act like you are new. I will give you the inside details so you don't go into something bad. I know that you are anxious to get a job offer and I understand that you want to get your career started, but make sure that you don't take anxious decisions that may take your career to a place where you don't want to go and you end up unhappy. For now, I think you should keep looking, but really keep your exams as your main focus. Please understand that any new job you take between now and exams is going to take a toll on your preparation. You will have to work extra hard at a new job to prove yourself. So, really you need to prioritize."

[MissIndigo]

I am so glad that this professional lent you some good advice. He's a nice person who obviously has your best interests in mind and is willing to share his wisdom. True professionals act like this, and it would seem to me that he has a good impression of you as well. You never know--you may cross paths with him in the future, and always see situations like this as networking opportunities. Just because you turned down an interview will not preclude you from applying to this, or any other place you may also turn down later; it's more that the timing and circumstances were not right. I hope you feel better after hearing what he had to say to you.

 

It's difficult to separate your emotions from the job search (believe me, I know--especially when you have other important life circumstances you must consider), but I think you did great understanding that healthy boundary realizing that people reject offers all the time and can move on.

[penelope13]

Yes, heed the advice from this person. It's already an exception if someone gives you so frank and useful advice that is specific to you as an individual. These are the kind of people you want to remain in touch with other the years.

 

However, it also requires that you put their advice into practice. Most people I know in this and related fields who are willing to give advice/support to a newbie are usually also very good in choosing wisely into who to invest their energy. They are constantly meeting intelligent, ambitious people. If they see that someone is not able/willing to take well meant advice, they will simply invest their energy into someone else in the future.

[LAYAAN]

I'm sorry to write this post. I was hoping that I would not have to write this and everythign will be okay, but its not. I want to pack my bags and call it quits.

 

Since last couple of weeks I have been wanting to write this, to pour my heart out here, but I was hesitating... because I didn't know where to start (and I still don't know). I feel like I can't go on another day without being around people who I love and vice versa. I want to drop everything right now and simply go back for good. Hanging on to hope has become impossible for me right now. I am unable to focus on my studies. I have no social life, no fun in life. All I have is anxiety, worry, stress, and work. When the hell is this going to be over?

 

All these years I have been miserable here. I feel so utterly alone that I can't express it in words. 2 things I had been hanging here for - 1) exams and then hope of work 2) marriage. Now, I've been applying for jobs everywhere with almost no success. Those that got back to me told me that they are not interested in sponsorship. Men are not interested in taking a 2nd look at my profile or me because the most common Q is "Will you be able to come to my town and land a job?" I don't have an answer to this Q. Also there seems to be no man ready to go back home 10+ years down the road. When I mention about the possibility of going back someday, they drop me like a hot potato and move on. I am alone, recently turned 33, my problems seem to be never-ending, I have no hope, desire, or reason to continue here.

 

Going back seems like a very attractive option right now. I don't even want to take my exams because I don't desire staying here forever. I'm tired and exhausted. I'm unable to fall asleep at night due to stress, worry, and anxiety about my future. I simply want to pack up everything within a couple of months (will need to get my car fixed and sell it alongwith some other stuff) and go for good. I desperately want to meet my mom. Thats the only person who loves me and cares for me. I want to go see her. I don't care about anything at this moment. I just want to be with someone who loves me. I want to die when my mom dies, but whatever years are left of my life... I do not desire to spend them alone anymore. My parents (both of them) are awaiting surgeries and my visa issues wont end. My parents have to beg everyone else to support them and care for them while my relatives pass remarks like "why can't you call your daughter? Why can't she come?" All these years it was my degree. Now I can't get a job and a visa. Why am I putting myself through this? What is in here for me?

 

I can only write all this here. If I say anything to others, they say that I'm after sex so I'm wanting to get married. I'm tired of even looking for marriage (and I already paid that website for a year... ha... there goes my money) because there is going to be no success in it ever... i have been crying for a long time now. my eyes are swollen, my head is spinning, what am I hanging here for? really... I dont know what am I hanging here for

[annie24]

I'm sorry you are in so much pain and anxiety right now. Have you ever heard that saying, "where ever you go, there you are"? even if you move back home today, you still have to deal with yourself and your life and your issues. that is, you'd still have to find a job, you'd still have pressure to get married, and you'd still have pressure from your mom. maybe you will be happier back there, I don't know. but would you be able to transfer your degrees and exams over there? Plus, you'd have new stresses - taking care of ill parents.

[mya]

Dear Tinu,

 

I really feel your pain as i am reading your post. Have you ever spoken to a therapist? I really think therapy can do you good. You really need to sort out where you want to live, what your motivations are, your goals are etc. You do not give yourself enough credit. You graduated! You've accomplished a lot and you are studying for your boards which will hopefully open more doors for you. Also, could you hang out with friends more as you are feeling lonely. You sound like you have been isolating yourself and I could relate to that. Your friends from graduate school may be going through similar struggles with the job search. You guys can support each other. Know that there are people who care about you. Hugs.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie and Mya for your responses.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny and MissIndigo,

for your message. Yes, it was really very kind of that man to talk to me and provide some professional insight. Its unusual thats true. He is from same geographical area from back home as I'm. I guess that might have played a role. There are still only a few of us here and when I've talked to men from that part of the world who are here and are professionals, they do provide sincere "personal" professional advice (in other words they will take into consideration where that person is in their life even while offering professional advice). I have experienced this before. They say in my culture "if your daughter was standing in my shoes what advice would you give her?" You would be more personally involved in giving her advice, right? Yes, its professional advice/consultation, but we are human beings first and its not uncommon for these people to see your situation as a whole while offering you professional advice. I got that feeling when I met some men from my culture that are my dad's age. Yes, some were more aloof/professional/ standoffish and I could clearly see that they didn't "care" as much as some other men. But for the most part, I've been blessed to meet some caring professionals. Yes, it does mean a lot to me.

 

Whatever it is, I appreciate the advice. If it wasn't for him, I was going to jump at the offer. And what you say is right, Penny. They are busy and if they see that you go to them for advice and not really take it seriously, they just leave you alone.

[LAYAAN]

Something that I've noticed about myself is that, for the most part of my life so far, I've held myself back from doing things that I knew would bring me happiness because of fear. I'm not a go-getter. I think for the most part I've settled for many sub-standard things in my life. I lack confidence and self-respect. I feel like I dont' deserve good things in life. I don't deserve happiness in life. What is this attitude?... what do you do with it?

 

I was afraid of going into Engineering school because I thought I would not get through the program. I settled for pharmacy program instead because I thought that would be easier and I worked very hard to get a high GPA.

Whenever I see a great guy I feel like withdrawing because I'm scared he won't like me. I feel, once I open my mouth I will say something stupid and he will leave me anyways so I don't even bother showing interest. People told me that I'm a decent looking woman and I need to just stop worrying about that part.

When I was applying to US schools, I didn't apply for top schools because I was desperate to get accepted into any school, so I just went for a school that accepted me without thinking things through. I didn't aim for a good lab. I didn't want to risk my RA stipend. I just settled for whoever took me in. Desperation is not a good thing.

 

Yesterday, I was talking to a man who seems interested in me. I'm not interested in him. I asked myself "why am I talking to him?" well... because I'm desperate for marriage. How will I think and feel about myself if I settled for him? Not very good... then why am I not willing to aim higher? for a guy that I really like? again because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of not being able to keep a man's interest. This needs to stop or else I'll feel miserable about myself for the rest of my life.

 

Yesterday I talked to someone for professional reasons. He said to me "Try your best to get started with a good company. You have to understand that these consultants/recruiters know each other and when they are talking to you, they are taking notes. Once they know that you will settle for much lesser than what you should get in terms of position, salary, location... the next opportunity that you get will be very similar, may be just a step above the previous one. Then the trend continues. So, let them know that you do bring a lot to the table and that you are ambitious. First of all believe that you are a good candidate, build some self respect and confidence. Open your mouth and learn to ask for what you deserve. I know that graduate school has a way of making all of us feel less, but you are past that stage. Hold your head high. Fake confidence till you make it."

[penelope13]

If you know what you did wrong in the past - now is your chance to prove to yourself that you have learned from it and can do it better from now on.

 

About approaching great guys: no matter how great they are, they are also only human. And the most intelligent people can say dumb things at times. If it's in the context of making the first personal contact, people forgive a lot, so don't let this hold you back.

[LAYAAN]

One of my committee members asked me if I can work with him as a postdoc for a year with a high possibility of extending it into another year. I asked him for some time to think.

 

These are the good points -

I will get out of this visa mess and get another visa.

salary

healthcare covered (I'm paying for it out of my pocket right now)

I will still be in this area, so no major relocation

 

These are bad points -

I really do not want to work as a postdoc

If I could have things my way, I would rather just sit home and study for my boards for next 2 months at least

Once the work starts, I would not be able to study as much

 

So why am I doing this?

Yes, I will get a better visa and once I get it approved here, I can go back to home country to get it stamped.

My parents will get to see me and hopefully keep quiet for a year or so after that.

The men, my mom thinks are lined up for me, I will get to see them and settle that matter.

If things don't work out there, I will come back here.

 

But here is the problem-

If I go back home and even one of these men likes me then I will have to answer yes or no to marriage (and no matter what answer, its an irreversible decision). The pressure to marry is already bad even with my being here. If I'm there, its going to be intense. My parents already are in opposition of my coming back here. I really do not want to go back before I settle things with my exams. But now these exams are getting harder and people are taking 2 attempts to clear them. That means I need to study hard and I need some serious block of time for preparation. There is opposition from parents regarding that as well: "Why bother studying and taking those exams when you know you are going to get married here and settle here? Leave everything and come back home. You will have to decide once for all what you want and what you are willing to let go for that."

To this, I answered "I don't want to come back right now. I have a strong feeling that if I push myself for next 2-3 months, I should be able to pass these exams. Then I can look for work and if God is willing, get a work visa, and look for a guy here. If this doesn't happen then I can come back home and marry whoever. I really will be at peace marrying a man there then, not now."

 

So, I think I'm going to go to this professor who asked me if I could work for him and ask

- if I can join a couple months later

- start working, but work only part-time for next 2 months (I don't study 24/7 anyway) Go there in the morning, come back in the afternoon and study till night, take exams, then join full-time.

- do not worry about changing visa right now

- I am thinking of telling him honestly that this is the reason I want to go part-time initially. He knows about my journey here. I've always been honest with him.

 

A good guy friend called me a few days ago and said "I'm sorry if I'm being harsh, but I don't understand what is your problem? Forget about your parents and what they want and their health issues. Currently on the visa that you have, you can work/volunteer part-time and study hard for remaining time. You know the privilege that your current status gives you. You are still all over the place. Why can't you just push everything aside for next 2 months and hit the books hard? You have to understand that if you don't clear your exams by a certain time, getting work visa is going to be impossible by the time the quota opens up next year. I have been in your shoes exactly and I didn't bother with anything. I just worked part-time to keep my status and remaining time all I did was studies and I cleared my exams."

[penelope13]

I can only concur with your friend: it's time that you forget about your parents their health, their expectations, the marriage stuff - and start putting your own needs/wants first.

 

You want to finish those exams.

You want to find a job in the US and obtain the necessary visa.

 

Since you know what you want - you should also have worked out by now what you need to do in order to get there: fully focus on studying and remove anything that will take energy and motivation away. That includes leaving the marriage worries until you have sorted out your exam/visa situation.

 

I am not sure in what you believe - but I think unless one learns the lessons that life puts in front of one, life will confront one again and again with the same challenges until one gets it.

 

So, speak to the committee member, explain what your concerns are (that you need the possibility to fully focus on your exams and that you can't do that while you work full time) thus that you would like to start in x months. It's better to be honest and upfront about time needs/constraints that you have rather than to accept his offer and then stressing out because you neither can do your job properly nor study enough, because the day has not enough hours for you to fit in both things. If he agrees with this - you have to truly put all your energy into studying and seriously let go of all the marriage woes until then. You cannot afford the distraction.

 

This is not the first time that you hear this from me, or other people - but it's really up to you now to make the necessary changes in order to succeed.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree Penny. Thank you for your reply. I don't understand what my problem is. I find myself running around in circles.

[LAYAAN]

Currently I have 15 matches open on the marriage site. I'm not talking to any of them. 4 of these matches have not been in touch for at least a month. I really want to close these matches and move on. It bothers me to see these matches open and not hear from them. I want to close these matches.

Is there something wrong with me if I think that things should either be moving or these people should just tell me straight up that they are not interested in me and close the match? The truth is that there has been a long gap in communication. So even if any of these men do get back in touch with me (which I don't think will happen), I would be hesitant to communicate because of their lack of interest in the beginning itself. Am I wrong to think like that? My mom says that I should not be the one closing the match and I should just leave several matches open even if nothing is happening. She says "Why does it bother you to see these matches open? Whether you close it or leave it open, it really doesn't make any difference since virtually the match is already closed in their mind and in your mind too. It shouldn't bother you to see the match open without any progress in communication."

[penelope13]

I don't understand what my problem is. I find myself running around in circles.

 

You answered your own questions from your latest post with the quote above

[LAYAAN]

Saw my recent ex's pictures on FB. Looks like he has a GF. why why why the heck did I check the Halloween pictures? I shouldn't have done that. Now I'm here sulking. Its interesting how both of my exes moved on and got girls, yet I can't find a man. What made him not commit to me, but commit to someone else? sex?

 

Ughh... I just need to stop and get back to my studies.

[annie24]

yeah, don't look at that stuff. i do that too, from time to time will google exes to find that they got married, etc.... honestly.... it's not worth stressing yourself out about. your relationship wasn't right, for whatever reason, no need to overanalyze or get down on yourself. focus on the future and the good things coming your way! the exams are coming up in a few weeks, no?

[LAYAAN]

I didn't have a productive weekend. I only got household chores done.

My parents' had huge problems with their house over the weekend. One of the walls collapsed. Mom just had a cataract surgery. Her eye is still red, painful, and this madness on top of it. Dad is of no use. He can't even walk well. Mom had to go to get construction workers to rebuild the wall. She called her relatives to come home and help her out.

 

I wrote long time back about this guy back home. He is not done with his PhD yet, not sure if he will finish, etc. He called me today. We didnt talk long, but he said to me "I've to take decisions. I need to know when you are coming home. And when you come back this time, I hope you won't be going back. Only then can we can arrange for wedding, if we feel like going ahead of course." I do not know if leaving everything and going back home and marrying this man is the way to go. The marriage website has brought me nothing, but frustration. Men express interest, I accept it, that's it. Most men don't go ahead. No phone call, no nothing. They Just vanish. Very few talk, but most of them openly express a concern about my ability to find a job in their town. I'm asking myself this Q: If this is the way things are going to continue, is there any point in staying here and looking to get married? Northern part of the state where I'm currently is crawling with Indians, but they asked me the same Q "Move here on your own, get a job, get a work permit. Once you are here, contact us. If we are available, we will consider you." My age is already at the uppermost end of the desirable age bracket. This man back home has some job, he is available. I'm seriously thinking of calling it quits here. I'm tired, worn out. Anxiety won't leave my side. I crave for stability in my life. In a day or two, I'm going to talk to my mom about what he said. Its highly likely that I will turn down the current job offer I've at my university, pack my bags and go back for good. Get married and start a new life. I'm trying to make peace with the fact that I won't be taking my exams. I won't be trying to settle down here. I'm not afraid that I will never get married. My fear is that if I dont get a permanent residency in this country, I will get kicked out sooner or later and will be really old then to marry anyone back home. This guy is ready, my relatives know his family well... noone here is willing to say yes to me... I don't know what else to do, but to say yes to him and call it a day. He said that he has to take a decision and he can't prolong it.

 

I'm unable to sleep. I've been drinking coffee/tea to stay up and study. Last night my heart started racing, I could feel it. I didnt' sleep at night. I couldnt study either. I want to make peace with this situation. I want to go home and accept my destiny than fighting it. I've been fighting it so far and am losing faith and patience.

[penelope13]

Giving up a dream because you have met Mr. Right and are in love is one thing - however, simply getting married in order to run away from anxiety and the challenges of following your dreams is a really bad idea. What will you think/feel if you are going to be as lonely, anxious, frightened within a loveless marriage?

 

Please think very careful about what you really want from life.

 

Stop oscillating between two things that are currently (emphasis on currently) not compatible with each other.