LAYAAN Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 did you get my PM? yes, replied to that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 A man is interested in seeing me. I'm talking to another man that I am more interested in meeting, but lately things look like they have been going down, he seems to be losing interest. I finally texted him yesterday to find out what was going on just so I get clarity. He called, we talked. he said that he was out of town and is just back now. Now he says "We shouldn't meet anytime before your exam. We should just leave it until after your exam, so you would be relaxed too." I'm interested in meeting this guy and seeing where things go. The man who is interested in seeing me is not the one I'm really interested in meeting. If anything works out with the other guy, I am going to email him and tell him not to come visit me. Is it okay for me to email the 2nd guy and tell him that I would really like for us to meet sooner than later because depending on how that goes, I have to decide whether to meet or not the other man and I don't want to keep him hanging. I honestly don't want to say this. I think its too personal information that is better left unsaid, but after my exam will be a little too late really. We have talked enough now and I'm not interested in talking any more without a meeting. What do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 You can tell him if he visits you for a few days, that would be a welcome study break? I agree that you shouldn't frame it like, 'well, i need to know so i can tell so-and-so what the deal is.' I also think it's perfectly ok to chat with as many men as you want until you become exclusive with one. obviously, you are all on the marriage market, so you are all talking to multiple people, there's no need to say it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 What do I do? Study for your exam. Seriously, no, I don't think you should tell the 2nd guy about the 1st guy. I think if you'd like to see the fellow you like sooner then you should just say that, and say (without pressuring him) that it's important to you to meet face to face, and that you'd rather do so sooner rather than later. And that you don't feel that your exam should stand in the way of meeting him for months. I'm glad to hear that you are making connections and that you are interested in someone! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 The man who is interested in seeing me is not the one I'm really interested in meeting. If anything works out with the other guy, I am going to email him and tell him not to come visit me. I think that this would work against you. You shouldn't cancel anything with the second guy because things may or may not go anywhere with #1. (And besides, there is no not meet #2 even if you have a nice weekend with #1). I think part of being successful in dating is to not put all your eggs in one basket, and don't be planning the wedding before even having a second date. I know that this is the arranged marriage and all, but that's even MORE reason to keep all your options open until you have a serious offer of marriage (as in, you have a ring, a wedding date, your families agree and all the other formalities that go along with arranged marriages). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 When is your exam? Try not to let your anxieties dictate your actions. If someone is really interested in you, he'll be understanding about your education and be willing to wait for you as it sounds for the guy you are more interested in. If you already know that the guy who wants to see you is not what you are looking for - then cancel him, independent of what happens to the other guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I think that this would work against you. You shouldn't cancel anything with the second guy because things may or may not go anywhere with #1. (And besides, there is no not meet #2 even if you have a nice weekend with #1). I think part of being successful in dating is to not put all your eggs in one basket, and don't be planning the wedding before even having a second date. I know that this is the arranged marriage and all, but that's even MORE reason to keep all your options open until you have a serious offer of marriage (as in, you have a ring, a wedding date, your families agree and all the other formalities that go along with arranged marriages). Thanks Annie for your reply. I understand what you mean by not putting all your eggs in one basket. I agree, but this is where I'm coming from. I have been through situations (and one I wrote about in my journal recently) where guys came accross as if they had already ruled me out and were still meeting me in person (recall Chicago incidence and the recent guy). I honestly wanted to ask them "why bother meeting me when you knew you were really not interested in me?" I would hate to do that to anyone else. This guy (the one that I'm not interested in) is flying from another country. I really do not want to make him come see me here if I can avoid that. (When I have treated a guy poorly in the past, that has come back to bite me big time later with some other guy. I'm afraid of karma now. I'm more cautious now.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 You can tell him if he visits you for a few days, that would be a welcome study break? I agree that you shouldn't frame it like, 'well, i need to know so i can tell so-and-so what the deal is.' I also think it's perfectly ok to chat with as many men as you want until you become exclusive with one. obviously, you are all on the marriage market, so you are all talking to multiple people, there's no need to say it. Yes, I already told him that. I also told him that I would prefer to meet a month or so ahead of my exams so if there is mutual interest I have to send scores to that state (this has to be done before you actually write the exams. If you leave it for later, its a loong process to transfer actual license.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 When is your exam? Try not to let your anxieties dictate your actions. If someone is really interested in you, he'll be understanding about your education and be willing to wait for you as it sounds for the guy you are more interested in. If you already know that the guy who wants to see you is not what you are looking for - then cancel him, independent of what happens to the other guy. Nov mid. I agree... I feel myself getting anxious. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 I think your problem is 2-fold (at least). I've seen you continue to give guys a chance who have proved to be very rude, just from pressure from your family. Guys you should have ruled out. And now you're going to cut a guy off, because you are interested in guy #1, who hasn't made an indication he is serious about marrying you. I think you need to not get caught up on a guy too early on, and even if he isn't as interesting to you as guy #1, he could be a better match for you, if you allow the chance to meet him. I think that the guys who did meet with you (even though you thought they were uninterested) probably were giving you a chance by meeting you that weekend. I mean, that's what happens when you date. you know that not everyone will be a match, but you still go, just in case. So here is a reason why I think you are single - you're not giving #2 a proper chance because you like #1 better - but #1 seems wishy-washy about his interest in you. You have to break that cycle and give #2 a chance. That's just my take on things. The other ladies here might differ. But I think if you are serious about getting married, you need to A- ditch the guys who are bad to you as soon as they are being bad, and B- give other guys a chance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Study for your exam. Thank you dear... Thats what I need to do and I needed to hear that today again. Gosh... I feel like I'm a thick skull. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 The other thing L - I think you can tell a man's interest level in you by if he insists on you visiting him, or he flies out to see you. I submit to you that the guy who had you fly to Chicago was not all that interested in the first place. It's of little cost for him to show you around chicago when he already lives there. If a man is flying in from another country, you know that his interest level in you is high! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 I think that the guys who did meet with you (even though you thought they were uninterested) probably were giving you a chance by meeting you that weekend. I mean, that's what happens when you date. you know that not everyone will be a match, but you still go, just in case. Thank you very much for bringing this perspective. I didn't look at it this way, probably you are right. But I think if you are serious about getting married, you need to A- ditch the guys who are bad to you as soon as they are being bad, and B- give other guys a chance. Yes, I agree... I have to make a commitment to myself that I will not tolerate rudeness and bad behavior and let those kinda men go as soon as that kinda behavior is spotted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted September 11, 2011 Share Posted September 11, 2011 L, you really should keep your education independent from your dating currently! I understand that both are important for you and that one is feeding anxiety about the other. However, if you want to succeed and not be controlled by fears - a prerequisite to make the right decisions for yourself - you have to work extra hard to stay in control of your life. I don't know how long and how much you have been talking already to the guy that you are interested in or how well you truly know him. But I think it's way too early to be already making decisions about in which state to get your pharmacy license based on your hope to make it work with this guy. I admittedly don't know about the timing on the arranged market, but you have said numerous times that even if you have an agreement, you will have plenty of time to interact with the guy before tying the knot. Just focus on your exam, get the license for where you are now (or the state that YOU would ideally like independent of a man). Get to know the guy in the meantime at a pace that you would do if you were not having exams or any other time restrictions. If he turns out to be the one - then you can still transfer your license, regardless if it is more paperwork, since then it will be really worth it and you know why you are doing it. If he turns out not to be right for you for whatever reason, then you don't have a license in a state that you may have never considered otherwise. But knowing you, I think it would be quite foolish to try to force him and yourself to have an agreement before October due to your anxieties and fears rather than because you have carefully evaluated your respective feelings for each other. Fears and anxieties are very bad motivators to make sensible long term decisions. I also don't know if it's really good for you to force a meeting before your exams. If he is the right guy - you can make it work with skype, phone etc until then and get to know him nevertheless. But if that date were to go wrong or he turns out to be different than you imagine, you will be disappointed and you will lose a lot of precious time to focus on your upcoming exams. You have said yourself that you need a lot of time to get the things done that need to be done currently (exam preparation, finding a job, visa issues etc). All of these things are of vital importance to you and your life and you should maintain your energy for that as much as possible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 The other thing L - I think you can tell a man's interest level in you by if he insists on you visiting him, or he flies out to see you. I submit to you that the guy who had you fly to Chicago was not all that interested in the first place. I agree... that's where I really learned my lesson! It still hurts! In fact I've learned something... when I have bent over backwards to accommodate a man's demand in my life, he has simply turned me down. When they put in time and money, they have called me back after the date. So... yes, what you say makes sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 11, 2011 Author Share Posted September 11, 2011 Thank you Penny. Very well said... I agree. In fact, I was going to write about this in my journal. I asked myself "Why am I even sending scores to a state that was not on my list of 5 states when I dont' have a confirmed interest from a guy?" Instead stick to original plan, if things work, yes, it will be a longer process to get licensed, but so be it. Yes, I also agree with what you said about the meeting not turning out right. This is what happened with the recent guy. I asked myself "Why the heck did I go see him when I should be focusing on studies, get treated so poorly by him and now I feel sorry for myself." No matter which way the date goes, I would be disturbed, happily or sadly. Is it really essential right now? Its not. Its a blessing in disguise. Just focus on task at hand instead. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 hanging on... Car wouldn't start late at night. Thankfully I could pull it over and park on campus... well in a parking lot that I dont' have permit for (that came back to bite me promptly). Went back to the same lot this morning, car still wont' start, got a parking ticket. Called those people, told them the problem... they didn't seem willing to hear anything. Just last night my car started showing empty fuel tank... usual stuff not a big deal, I was going to get gas this morning, but it just won't start. Thats unusual. Even when it shows empty tank, there is still gas in the car to get me 1 mile, its not totally dry. It cranked up, but wont' stay on. Called AAA. They only sent a tow truck without gas tank. Had to tow the car to the gas station. My car started there (I was frustrated... we could have saved this trip) when it had some fuel. Filled the tank, came back... Went to dermatologist. I had something like acne on my face that just wont' heal/go away. They concluded it was wart "happens to lot of healthy people." Anesthetized, shaved it off, sent it in for biopsy. I've to call back in 2 weeks for results. Unproductive and busy day so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 15, 2011 Author Share Posted September 15, 2011 'im trying to stay calm today and its difficult. I'm not doing a good job at it. i was emotionally distraught last night, mom called and said this and that. I started crying. I was trying to get over that... I got an email from a distant relative "i am coming near your place. i'm a grandpa now. my son just had a son." good... i just dont want to answer same old Qs... why are you not married? why don't you settle? this and that. I can't stop asking God ... why me? Why am I the one going through this nonsense when ALL my relatives are married and starting families? Death seems very attractive to me. It really does... especially after mom calls me a loser and tells me how my degree is useless. Why am I alive to hear all this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 I'm sorry L. I'm sorry that your family isn't more supportive of you and your goals. Personally, we are at similar life stages (early 30s, unmarried, with PhDs). Personally, I think we are at a GREAT place!! the world is our oyster, lots of possibilities. sorry, no, your degree is not useless. you have many jobs/careers you are well qualified for. this is a bad economy, but if you keep looking, there ARE jobs! and "settling." why is that so attractive? being in a loveless marriage for the next 50 years of your life? great..... and i'm sure that you can still get divorced too. my real estate agent - her husband of 30 years just left her. there are no guarantees in life. you have your degree, your independence, you are in a good position, no matter what your mom says. you can afford to be selective and choose mr. right. don't just settle for the first fool who walks your way, but do give good guys an opportunity. i recommend when you move, to try to move to a big city center with many single men! maybe it would be good if you spoke to your mother less....? it doesn't sound like she is very good for your self-image... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Personally, we are at similar life stages (early 30s, unmarried, with PhDs) Me too! L, don't lose perspective. Not to make light of your situation, but by your logic, we should all kill ourselves--and believe me, it's not on my "To-Do" list. I'm sorry that your mom says these things. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted September 15, 2011 Share Posted September 15, 2011 Now you girls make me feel old, because I passed the early 30s stage ;-), and yep, still unmarried, with a PhD. L, the best you can do for yourself is not to expect any emotional support from your mom anymore. She cannot relate to what you are going through, because her view of the world is rather limited. Disappointment and frustrations are responses to expectations. Often these expectations are unrealistic. Once you adjust your expectations, your disappointments will lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Me too! L, don't lose perspective. Not to make light of your situation, but by your logic, we should all kill ourselves--and believe me, it's not on my "To-Do" list. No, no... if you want to live... I support that dear! I was really just talking about myself. Mom called last night and said that I should just pack my bags and come home. What's the use of writing these exams when the goal is not to settle down there? When you come back here, you will have no opportunities left. If you come back sooner at least there are some men that are interested in you. You need to come back sooner. on and on and on she went... You know my mom behaved exactly the same way when I was 25 and was trying to study for GRE. No support from home what so ever. My mom asked some psychic if I will settle outside India. They told her no, that won't happen and I will come back home very soon. She is going by that. What do you say to that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 Maybe you should have your mom ask the psychic what the questions will be on the exams so you don't have to study! your mom is a bit delusional, imho. i think it may have to do with her alzheimer's - she's not acting right. taking the exams is a great thing, because it makes sense. it's a good plan. i think you need to stop taking career advice from her. let's be honest here - no offense to your mother, but you should only take career advice from people who have careers you admire. take beauty advice from people who are attractive, etc.... don't ask your professor how to style your hair, don't ask your mom about pharmacy exams!!! let things go in one ear and out the other.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 16, 2011 Author Share Posted September 16, 2011 Thank you Annie. You, Marsh, Penny, all are supporting me to take the exam. It helps. It helps me stay on track. You all supported me to finish my PhD. Honestly, I don't know what I would do if I dont' have this online support system. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted September 16, 2011 Share Posted September 16, 2011 You have to emotionally ween yourself off of your mother! That doesn't mean to stop talking to her, but you need to NOT depend/hope for her understanding and support. Do you really think she would have told you if a psychic had told her that you will settle down in the US? - She is just trying to emotionally blackmail you into doing what she wants. You don't have to convince her how you want to live your life. You tell her, I want to do xyz, and while you hope she will support you although she may not understand and agree with it, it is not up for debate. Even if you don't feel it, when talking to your mother, you have to speak with confidence about what you are doing and why you are doing it. She should not be the person you let into your own doubts and insecurities. Since you are living very fare away it's also not right to burden her with your challenges and your unhappiness, since that will make her feel powerless and helpless, since she knows that there is nothing she can do to actively/practically change anything about your situation abroad. It's no surprise really that your calls with her are so unsettling for both of you and I assume by now both of you probably dread speaking to each other, because it's mainly negative talking. So swallow a big girl pill and start changing the way you interact with her: show her that you are an independent young woman, who is in control of her own life, who is able to take on the challenges that life presents and who nevertheless still cares for her. Stop the cycle of telling each other how hard your respective lives are and begging/expecting the other to take on emotional responsibility. Start making the calls about being happy to be a part of each others life, an enrichment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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