annie24 Posted August 20, 2011 Share Posted August 20, 2011 I think your mom is mean spirited because she is miserable. I look at other people's families and they have very supportive parents. Even my aunt, she would never speak that way to her children (my cousins). My mom is like yours though. you have to let it roll off your back. As penny says - you are an adult, you know you have accomplished sooooo much, no your degree was not worthless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nightsky123 Posted August 21, 2011 Share Posted August 21, 2011 Hi L., My parents are the same too. I am 28, educated, have a good job and have my residency in Australia. However my mom thinks I'm a loser because I'm not married and not going for an arranged marriage. What they used to say used to bother me a lot and put me off my day, but I don't care any more. I decided one day that logically what they said made no sense. I have achieved some of what I want to and I am happy and try to be a good person. I am sure, if I was a son, it would have been a completely different and positive scenario for them. Like you, I have always been obedient and tried my best to do what they wanted me to do, but I am not a child any more, I am responsible for myself and my own happiness, not them. I know some people back in India who have parents who are more understanding but generally they are like mine, always comparing other people to them. I've decided that my parents are important to me too. I keep up communication with them, but don't really respond when they start on their tirades. And once they're done I just continue with the conversation with things from daily life and what has been happening at home, etc. I should say, they have reduced their negative talk a bit. But yeah, like I said, I do listen if things they say apply to me but otherwise, it's just in through one ear and out through the other. It took me a while to get here though. But I'm happy now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 Thank you Annie and nightsky. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 I have been feeling very down and discouraged with my studies since last 2-3 days. I sat with the book, couldn't get through even 1 chapter, emailed my Qs to a lady... she got upset... you are not doing what I told you to do. I'm going back to square one now. I told myself that whatever study I've done so far is not waste no matter what she tells me. I've to work on picking up pace. I've to stay put. I will do that. I was sitting with myself, wallowing in self pity and misery. It occurred to me that I'm cutting myself, I'm inflicting pain upon myself, except its emotional cutting. Why do I keep going back to past hurts? I need to forgive others and myself, I need to learn from my mistakes, I need to use these lessons to avoid making mistakes in future and move on and do my best to live a good life. Was listening to a pastor few days ago and she said "Lay your hands on what lies in front of you now and do your best. If God wants something different for you, He will tell you that. Don't waste time sitting around and doing nothing until you feel like doing something. It might be too late then." I told myself that I will not go wallowing in self pity for today. I will keep my mind focused on my studies and I will not worry about whether I'm going to pass the exams, get a job, get a visa... blah blah blah... I will live for today... I will do my best today. I'm going to trust God. I'm not going to think about problems that are only in my mind, but haven't happened yet. I've been looking at everyone around and asking myself what have I achieved? Well... I was in school all these years. Now my education is over. Now I'm beginning work life... things will move on from now on. These people that I've been comparing myself to... they finished their MS in 1.5 years. They started work right away. That is why they are where they are now. I will get there as well. I need to stay patient with myself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 My mom called me today and said that she has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. Her and my dad are struggling bad (healthwise) back home. I don't think I will live here for long now. She is the backbone of the family and if she is diagnosed with this condition then there is no point in leaving them alone to struggle.... I've had my enough share of crying today... but crying isn't going to solve the issue. I think I'm going to start selling my stuff here including my car and in a couple of months I'm going to pack and go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 Layaan -I am very sorry to hear about your mother!!! Although this is a very hard thing to have to deal with and I most certainly understand that you want to be with your mom as soon as possible, I would recommend not to make any drastic decisions at this point. I would also recommend to start talking with specialists here in the US to get all the information possible in regards to treatment (meaning how to prolong the stages/phases - there is no cure!). While it is an honorable thing to be looking after your parents when they have medical challenges it shouldn't be at the expense of you giving up your whole life and all personal dreams. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 22, 2011 Author Share Posted August 22, 2011 Thank you very much Penny for your reply. I can't think straight now. Nothing makes sense right now. I will come back and re-read your reply and then respond. Thank you again. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted August 22, 2011 Share Posted August 22, 2011 *hug* Be strong, L. And there is nothing at all wrong with going home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hi L - I am very sorry. And maybe some of your mom's mean comments in recent weeks make more sense now - people with alzheimer's go through some personality changes as well, and get moody and irritable. if it makes you feel better, the alzheimer's probably had a lot to do with some of her recent comments to you. and i agree - take some time, do not make any major decisions too quickly. can you at least take your board exams before going home? there might not be an immediate rush to go back within a few weeks if she is in the early stages. people can live for many years, even decades. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MissIndigo Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 I am so very sorry to hear the news about your mother. I can only imagine how you must be feeling... Just please try to take care of yourself as best you can during this difficult time. Will send my best thoughts your way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Thank you Penny, Annie, Marsh and MissIndigo for your support. Its means a lot to me. I called my mom and talked to her. She said that she is at the early stage. She has become forgetful and has problems with words. She can't recollect names of objects that are even in front of her (Yes, I noticed this about her when she was here last time.) I told her that I love her and dad no matter what and I'm hoping to come home. But I want some time and it wont' be long. Sooner or later this exam madness will be over. It has to be. You either pass or fail. If I fail I will study again and give the exam. If I fail the 2nd time, I think I'm going home. My mom has anxious personality and with all this its getting worse. I told her to continue exercising and pick up any new fun activity like learning a new language or learning to play on a musical instrument. Research shows that this delays Alzheimer's and its progression. Going home and settling down there feels like the right thing to do in the long run. Penny and Annie... thank you for your wise words. Even though I want to go there right now, with my visa issues and studies I can't go right now. My father is already weak and fragile. But I really want to get a license in some state before I go back. I want to keep my options open before I finally decide which option to choose. I'm hanging in there. I'm trying to do my best. It will be okay. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 Hi L - I am very sorry. And maybe some of your mom's mean comments in recent weeks make more sense now - people with alzheimer's go through some personality changes as well, and get moody and irritable. if it makes you feel better, the alzheimer's probably had a lot to do with some of her recent comments to you. and i agree - take some time, do not make any major decisions too quickly. can you at least take your board exams before going home? there might not be an immediate rush to go back within a few weeks if she is in the early stages. people can live for many years, even decades. Yes, I think that's where my mom's mean comments are coming from. Yes, I'm trying my best to keep studying and take exams. If things work out, I plan to get a license in some easy state, just so I have something with me before I go back. But we are still talking months, not days. But by God's mercy... my mom is at early stage. I just have to put my nose to the grindstone now and do my best. I hope to call her physician if she is willing to give me all the information. She asked me today if there is any mishap in the family what would you do? would you come back then or would you wait for your license? I told her not to think like that and I would come back in that situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 What does your mom mean by 'mishap'? Yes, I think it is wise to not make life altering decisions in a haste. This is a very tough situation for everyone in your family, but try to see this also in some way as an 'opportunity' [please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying it's a good thing - but trying to point out that in a very bad situation, there are some aspects that can help to motivate yourself how to deal with them]: due to your education/degree I assume you will be much better equipped to read up anything related to Alzheimer's, the different ways to keep your brain agile, to communicate with doctors etc than your parents. You can show your parents that your degree (although not directly related to AD) has a huge merit and that while you are not physically present you can be a help to both your parents. This could change your dynamics with your parents significantly. You will necessarily have to step out of the child-parent relationship and to take on an adult-to-adult relationship with them, with you becoming increasingly the dominating personality. I know there are many unresolved issues between you and your mom - you either have to let go of them now, or start to work them out with her now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 23, 2011 Author Share Posted August 23, 2011 What does your mom mean by 'mishap'? If there is a death in the family is what it means. When she said this she was referring to her and my dad. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 23, 2011 Share Posted August 23, 2011 i think penny has some good advice there. it's going to be hard, but if you go back to care for your mother, you are going to have to be the dominant/strong one and not take her crap to heart. (because - yeah, the disease is going to be influencing the words out of her mouth.) So you're going to have to let it go in one ear, out the other. yes, do take your boards before moving and leaving. it just makes so much more sense. when you say 'easy state' - make sure it is somewhere you would enjoy living. ie, don't take the exam for Alaska if you can't stand cold, etc.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 How are you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 How are you? I'm doing okay Marsh, Thank you for asking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Last few days have been hard. I'm trying to stay busy with studies, but I feel like I'm only spinning my wheels and not getting anywhere. I am praying diligently and trying to stay hopeful. Today, instead of sitting home and moping around, I told myself that I will do my best to get up and do what I need to do to take my life where I want to see it go and in the evening I will review what I did today. I took a short course for my pharmacy exams recently. Came back and got back in contact with some of the students I met there. I saw how hard some students were studying and how well some of them were prepared. I can do that too. In fact, I must do that if I want to pass the exam. The material is there, God has given me everything for now. I'm calling home and talking to my parents 2-3x/week. But I'm sitting and nursing my emotions and that is not going to help me. I need to do what I need to do to make my life better, to get the kinda job I want. Noone else will do that for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 good for you, L!! I hope that you can use some of that motivation/strength from your new friends. hang in there!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted August 31, 2011 Author Share Posted August 31, 2011 Yes, some of those girls/women were real inspiration. A couple of them came from as far as Ohio. The woman sitting next to me has 2 kids in school, she does all household work, takes care of her kids, and is still studying as much as she can. She said to me "You really have no problem studying girl. Look at me. I have husband, kids, and household work. I can't escape that. You can live on Ramen noodles and not clean your house for next 3 months. Just study spend entire day studying. You can do it." What she says is right. Its tough to be doing all that and trying to study to pass the boards. But these women are doing it. I really have no excuses, but I'm finding them and wasting my time like a fool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 That is true - you don't have many of the distractions that a person with a family/kids/house to clean has. Very good point. Just sit down and do it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted August 31, 2011 Share Posted August 31, 2011 But I'm sitting and nursing my emotions and that is not going to help me. I need to do what I need to do to make my life better, to get the kinda job I want. Noone else will do that for me. Sounds like you are experiencing a shift in your thoughts. Great! Wish you a lot of energy to keep going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 2, 2011 Author Share Posted September 2, 2011 venting... hate the guy I recently met... was very disrespectful... I'm sad, angry, frustrated. Why do men think its okay for them to get angry at me? Am I doing something that is making them behave this way? Why do they think its okay to be disrespectful to the girl they are on date with? or am I the one expecting too much? Is it okay to simply cut the date short if the man is being a jerk? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted September 2, 2011 Share Posted September 2, 2011 oh no, what happened!!??? i think it is ok and perfectly fine to announce that you have a "headache" or "stomacheache" and need to go home suddenly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted September 3, 2011 Author Share Posted September 3, 2011 Thanks Annie. Well... he took me to a fastfood place. He is a meat eater. He knows that I'm a vegetarian and have always been one. The fastfood place had only 2 vegetarian options. One of them had cheese in it and I try to avoid cheese. I picked the second option. The place was Asian so even if the food item names were in English, they didn't make much sense to me. I still tried to keep quiet. When I got my food, I couldn't even recognize what was in it. I didn't know it would be white bread. I avoid white bread as my stomach starts cramping. I had 2 bites of it and decided to not continue eating anymore. The guy got visibly upset. "You seem to be a picky eater. What are you going to do if you go to Mexico on a 3-week trip?" Me "Well... I normally carry dry protein powder with me and I try to cook something. Thats why I eat eggs when I'm travelling." Him "You know you can't carry enough protein powder to last you 3 weeks. Huh... you are a picky eater for sure." He said this with sarcasm, raised his brows, frowned, and looked away. Why say all this with contempt? I know that as well. So, according to you people who dont' eat certain items should not even travel to certain parts of the world? I know its difficult. I've always been a vegetarian and know that its difficult to be one while traveling. I still try to manage. I'm not happy about it, but I can't turn into a meat-eater now. My stomach is sensitive to certain food items. One time I was on a date and they didn't have soymilk at the coffee shop, I had a regular dairy latte and my stomach started hurting so bad, I had to cut the date short, I couldn't sit, I couldn't lie down, the guy got visibly upset, and actually worried that I was hiding some kind of serious illness from him. I really do not understand what was the need to meet me if he didn't want to consider a vegetarian girl? He threw sarcastic remark about people who return home as well. What was the need? Before I went to meet him, I made it clear about where I stand in terms of possibly going back sometime in future. I told him very clearly... we should meet only if our views match on this. He was okay then. What happened suddenly to pass a snarky comment? Was it really essential to say all this? What's the need to get angry? My problem was that I was visiting him and couldn't just say "oh well.. I have a bad headache, I need to go home now." But you know what... I'm going to try saying this next time on. If you want to turn me down, you can do that, but what is the need to get angry and act mean? Entire date he had was a smart aleck. He knows everything. He criticized everything. This is stupid, that is idiot... and what are you? You know... someone said very rightly... "If you want to know the real character of a man, observe how he treats people that he has no need to treat well." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.