Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

He is not in the US. He is currently back in my home country. He was never in the US.

He is getting paid from his contract position.

I dont think that his adviser is paying him, but I didn't ask him that Q.

Yes, I'm aware that every program is different. In fact engineers, on average, finish PhD in significantly shorter time that we do.

In my school, you have to submit thesis to the university appointed person in a certain time after the defense. You simply can't drag this forever. They throw you out. I don't know how it is back home.

[penelope13]

Him "I'm not in a rush to officially finish my PhD. I have a job for last few years. I am busy with other things in my life and in contrast to your personality... I'm more of a happy-go-lucky type.

 

I think he gave you all the answers: he has a different priority - his job rather than his PhD. Thus he is not in a rush and has no need to finish the PhD. Since he has done the job and got a salary from it, that is what he has to show for for those years and what he will put on his CV. You were in a totally different situation. Your 'job' was your PhD, thus for you the pressure and need to finish this is/was very different.

 

I somehow find it interesting that you seem to be annoyed that he can't tell you when he will finish with his PhD, because not too long ago you were getting upset if other men asked you when you might be done with your degree.

 

I think in one respect your mother is right: you will find something to complain about - mainly because I believe deep inside you don't want to get married, although on a more conscious level you feel that you need to do so. But subconsciously you don't want to and thus you are subconsciously 'sabotaging' every potential interaction.

[marshmlofluff]

Parents have been forcing me to talk to a man from India. I gave in and have been talking to him for last few months. Last weekend I decided to gather courage and

asked him "When do you think you will be submitting your thesis?"

Him "I'm not in a rush to officially finish my PhD. I have a job for last few years. I am busy with other things in my life and in contrast to your personality... I'm more of a happy-go-lucky type. I am not saying that I will not submit my thesis, I may, but its not the topmost priority in my life."

This man is 35, has been enrolled in his program for last 10 years. Has a contractual position with a company, he doesn't know what to do after that.

 

Based on how he's dealing with his PhD, he sounds really passive...I doubt he'll be getting married any time soon, unless his parents force him. Especially given that he's in India, I think you can leave this one on the shelf for a while and come back to him later if you really feel like he was the one.

[anu1560]

Thank you Anu for your post.

How are you doing? How is school going on?

 

I am doing good Tinu. Lot better. Got hold of my life finally. I graduated in April. Congratulations to you for successfully defending too.

 

I actually agree with Marsh. He is very aloof about his PhD. And he is in India. Don't know how practical this is.

[LAYAAN]

I think I need to provide some information that might help you understand the situation better.

He enrolled in the PhD program in 2002. Just like me, his job then was to get his PhD.

He didn't tell me clearly when he started his current contract position, but I suspect that it was after he defended his thesis.

He told me that he did the research work (don't know if thats complete), but he doesn't have time to write his thesis because he is too busy.

Hope this helps.

[LAYAAN]

I am doing good Tinu. Lot better. Got hold of my life finally. I graduated in April. Congratulations to you for successfully defending too.

I actually agree with Marsh. He is very aloof about his PhD. And he is in India. Don't know how practical this is.

oh fantastic! congratulations dear! i'm so happy for you! yey! good job!

[penelope13]

It does happen that people have a certain idea about what they want to do, but once they are doing it, find out that it's not for them. - I am not trying to defend him, but trying to provide you scenarios when it's possible that someone may change their ideas/priorities without anything sinister behind it. Not everyone who started a PhD is meant to finish it, especially if they figure out that they have no interest to continue with research and that they don't need the title in their new endeavors.

[LAYAAN]

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[LAYAAN]

For the first time in my life I haven't replied back to the email (which I think is inconclusive and meaningless, anyway) that a man sent me. I created a thread about this recently. This wasn't headed anywhere, I genuinely didn't like the guy, he was rude to me. I didn't call him back, I didn't reply to his email. I gave it right back when he asked me if I was going to throw the sandwich. I'm proud of myself. This does not come easy to me, but I did it. This gives me confidence and if necessary I'll do it again.

 

My boss asked me if I can come to work on Sunday and I said "No, I'm leaving town today itself, will be back on Monday." First time in my life.

 

Feels new, feels strange.

[marshmlofluff]

For the first time in my life I haven't replied back to the email (which I think is inconclusive and meaningless, anyway) that a man sent me. I created a thread about this recently. This wasn't headed anywhere, I genuinely didn't like the guy, he was rude to me. I didn't call him back, I didn't reply to his email. I gave it right back when he asked me if I was going to throw the sandwich. I'm proud of myself. This does not come easy to me, but I did it. This gives me confidence and if necessary I'll do it again.

 

Good job, Tinu. If he treats you that badly on your first meeting, how is he going to treat you after you get married?

[annie24]

Good job, Tinu. If he treats you that badly on your first meeting, how is he going to treat you after you get married?

 

excellent point. people are on their 'best behavior' early in the dating process. if this was his best behavior (first date), what would be his worst?? i shudder to think.

[LAYAAN]

excellent point. people are on their 'best behavior' early in the dating process. if this was his best behavior (first date), what would be his worst?? i shudder to think.

I see what you are saying, but this wasn't his best behavior. Most of these men I went to meet, when they decided that didn't like me, they didn't feel the need to put on their best behavior. They felt comfortable in revealing who they are in everyday life when they are not trying to impress anyone.

 

Have you been on a date with a man you didn't like? Did you feel the need to impress him? Did you still put on your best behavior? Did you stay civil and respectful?

 

Another thought - when the guy treated me badly, did my mom complain to his dad? No. Why not? I don't know. You can't expect/demand respectful behavior from people who don't have any selfish interest in you/what you have to offer. Especially in arranged marriage market, if they don't like you they will not treat you well because they think that they won't run into you ever again in life. So, they don't have a reason to be respectful toward you. Somehow it has happened that when I went wrong, their parents would call my mom and report my behavior promptly. When they did the same, my mom wouldn't want to call them "Don't take this personally. They don't like you, they are letting you know that. A good way to understand a person's character is to see the way he treats someone he doesn't need to treat well. So, this helps you understand what kind of person he is. Be thankful that he showed you who he is before marriage. I don't need to call his parents. If we are lucky, we would get an apology. Can you really expect anything from the parents whose sons treat others so poorly? If he was this afraid of his parents, he would have treated you well out of their fear, right?"

[LAYAAN]

Hanging on.... not having a great day. internet problems at home. came to the library to study. trying to stay focused and get things done.

[LAYAAN]

I'm hanging in there. I'm very down and discouraged with my marriage issue. I simply want to quit everything I'm doing now and go back to stay with my parents. It makes me sad to admit, but I can't see myself going on here without emotional support. I can't continue coming to an empty home anymore. I feel lost, alone, scared. I feel like a failure. I feel like I can't go on anymore. I can't study even a page in this emotional state. I just don't know why I'm hanging in here for. I really really just want to go see my mom. I can't fall asleep, haven't been eating, trying to exercise and exhaust myself to shut out noise in my head hoping that I would fall asleep the moment I hit the bed. I'm thinking of going back on the antidepressants. what is happening in my life... ? why is this happening? where am I headed... why is there no peace in life?

[penelope13]

I think it's a good idea for you to go back on medication. It will help you get out of this depression and things will look easier again.

[LAYAAN]

yes, on again off again on my medication.... hate it... its a viscious circle. I was really happy when my doctor suggested that I can come off the medication. Now back on it again and I have no health insurance at this time.... its tough.

[penelope13]

I don't see the point of accepting to live with my 'natural body' if it's base line is totally off, I.e. Out of homeostasis. I rather accept having to take medication than accepting to live in a mental vicious circle and a brain that is unable to process information properly. i consider taking meds as restoring myself thus allowing myself to live life fully and to make the most of the chances and challenges that I may encounter

[LAYAAN]

yes, thats right, makes sense, Penny.

[LAYAAN]

just some random thoughts....

 

Last night before I went to bed I exercised, came back, was very down and discouraged about my marriage situation. Its hitting me hard that I will be turning 33 and I haven't found a man for myself.

I don't know why I want to get married. All these years I felt like I was on a hot pursuit of marriage. After these many years while the journey is still on, I feel lost. What am I searching for again? I wrote down in my prayer journal what is it that I desire from my marriage... sincere, kind, caring husband, happy, stable married life, companionship, someone I want to come home to after a tiring day, someone who will share my joy and sorrow. I was never unhappy in my country with the way things were. I was perfectly at peace in a polluted, crowded city, working shift duties in a tiny hospital, making money would not even be an appropriate phrase to use here... I used to get some coins and bills in exchange of my service.

I came here and my life changed and I don't blame it on coming here, or the way this education system is, or my visa. "New level, new devil". I look at myself and I take pity on myself sometime. I try to work like a machine to mask this inner unrest. My mom, while she was here, said to me "You don't look happy. You look tired all the time. You were not like this back home." I gave her some reason and tried to end the conversation.

 

I'm thinking very seriously about going back and visiting my parents for a while. I may or maynot get a visa to come back here. I don't care. I dont care about my exams. I am freaking tired of studying. This madness has been going on for last 7 years. I am not able to study anyway. I have my degree. I just want to be around people who love me. My mind is not at rest. I just want to quit everything and pack my bags and simply go back.

[penelope13]

Tinu, on top of medication, are you talking to a professional?

[LAYAAN]

no... I don't have insurance right now. I applied for one, I got turned down because of the accident and those pain medication history.

[MissIndigo]

I just want to be around people who love me. My mind is not at rest. I just want to quit everything and pack my bags and simply go back.

 

I could have written this, as well as some other things you said a few posts back about how you're feeling. Even though I have people in and near my current city who love and care for me dearly, I so very much want to go home, job situation be damned. Obviously I don't like being unemployed but there is no place like home, and I last time I was there I felt like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I was so much more relaxed even if it's not the ideal place.

 

Sometimes we have to say a big old "EFF IT!!" to the professional and concentrate on the personal if we know it's in that we will feel better and recover to come back stronger.

[LAYAAN]

I sometimes feel like I have no place to go hide my face, pour my heart out and just cry and let it all out. I tend to put a fake smile on in public. I tend to keep myself busy, occupied so I don't have to deal with myself. I don't call my friends and unload on them. I take everything to God and growl at Him instead. I come here and write.

 

Last night I said to myself "I'm just going to buy a ticket to go back home and forget everything else."

Then I realized that noone is stopping me from going, but myself. I don't have a permanent job, I'm staying put for my exams.

These are my reasons for staying put here -

1) visa issues - I'm concerned that I may not get a visa to come back and I will get stuck there.

2) My current job situation - Its a tough job market out there. I need to complete 3rd step and get licensed in some state to be able to get a job. In the mean time, I can collect valuable experience of working at this job. Yes, the money is tight, but that's the situation for most fresh graduates in basic sciences. So, why am I grumbling?

3) marriage situation - parents have told me very clearly that the moment I land there, they have about 5 men lined up for me. If any of them say yes, my parents want me to stay back and get married. They say I can negotiate with the guy later about going back to the US for my pharmacy exams. One of the guys asked me straight "Whats the use of those exams here? If we marry, then why would you even bother to take those exams if you can't use them here?" He is right from his point of view.

 

A close friend that I pray regularly with, happened to stop by. I was crying in my room. I couldn't hide my red eyes. She asked me why I was down and discouraged. She says that I need to keep my eyes on the goal and stay put here.

1) If I've to go back home right this minute - I go back into a situation where if any of these men like me, I'll have to marry them. The arranged market is still quite traditional back home.

2) If I can't get a visa to come back or if my visa processing gets delayed my parents and or these men will use that against me and may push me for marriage.

3) It would be very difficult to study for boards under those circumstances.

4) my boss here may just get tired of me and my situation and say "forget this, I should just hire someone here who doesn't have all this drama in her life." I will lose my job and will have nothing to come back to.

5) it may very well happen that none of these men would like me and I would not have to get married there.

Its not the possibility of a quick marriage to any of these men that bothers me. I'm asking myself - is this the best my life can offer me? Noone is pushing me out of this country. My boss wants me here. God has provided an opportunity to take my boards. I'm sitting here pampering my emotions instead of studying hard and making best of every minute I have here. Thats madness. Will I be able to live with myself if I go back right now and get married to someone there? No. I will ask myself... why the heck did I get out of the US without taking my exams and giving myself an opportunity to build a good life there? If I fail my exams, then I'll see what I need to do. All this will be over in next 6 months.

 

If I'm destined to stay single, I would prefer to stay in this country than live a miserable single life back home.

[annie24]

If any of them say yes, my parents want me to stay back and get married. They say I can negotiate with the guy later about going back to the US for my pharmacy exams. One of the guys asked me straight "Whats the use of those exams here? If we marry, then why would you even bother to take those exams if you can't use them here?" He is right from his point of view.

 

That seems like a ridiculous suggestion from your parents - marry, then "negotiate" over moving to the US? Seems to me it's something that you should do the other way around.

 

Tinu - what job would make you happiest? How much longer will it take for you to pass these exams?

 

Also, it's not all india vs. us. would you consider living in a different country?

[LAYAAN]

That seems like a ridiculous suggestion from your parents - marry, then "negotiate" over moving to the US? Seems to me it's something that you should do the other way around.

I might have confused you because of my not-so-good English. Negotiation, in that case, will not be over moving to the US. I can negotiate only about taking a couple of weeks away from the guy and coming to the US to write my boards. Its very clear that if I marry someone from India, I stay with him in India. There is no negotiation of moving to the US.

 

Tinu - what job would make you happiest? How much longer will it take for you to pass these exams?

Thank you for this Q. I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching. I have asked myself what makes me happy?

- I want to maintain work-life balance. No matter what income level, I don't want to work more than an 8 hour shift on a regular basis. I will be miserable and it will show. I want to pursue artistic interests, relaxing hobbies.

- I want something that's more predictable, stable, provides consistent source of income no matter how low that income is. Sure, mostly all of the jobs I've described below get monotonous. I understand that, but I would rather deal with that than research. Don't get me wrong. I enjoy learning, I like to troubleshoot, I enjoy research when my life doesn't depend on the results of experiments (not literally, but you know what I mean). Working at the bench is not my cup of tea. I don't want to get up every day wondering is my next experiment going to be successful? Am I going to see what I'm expecting? Am I going to get the grant? on and on... I simply can't live my life like this. Knowing my already anxious personality, this type of work will throw me over the edge.

My complaint about research jobs was not about money (sure I agree that its low). My major problem is the instability, unpredictability. And in research, mostly everywhere now-a-days, you generate your own salary or a major portion of it.

- That is why I would be happy working as a teacher, clinical research-type jobs, and working in pharmacy field. Out of these 3, pharmacy job gives me the most flexibility in terms of moving and you can find work at most places. I've worked in that kinda capacity before. Its not new to me.

 

Also, it's not all india vs. us. would you consider living in a different country?

absolutely, definitely. The reason why I want to give it my best shot here is because I have put in a lot of money and effort to get the license. I would like to reap the fruit and enjoy it at least for some time, earn my money back. If I move to other country, I'd be interested in working as a teacher or clin research. Getting a license to work in a pharmacy in any country in the western world is normally a long process. If i get out of here, I doubt I would be willing to put in the same amount of effort somewhere else.