LAYAAN Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 I had a good day today. Went to school. Worked on 2nd paper. Came home, studied entire evening upto now. Finished a new chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 Seriously, I would not pay any attention how any of the involved mothers argue: they are coming from a totally different perspective. For them it DOESN'T matter if you, as the woman are happy or not. They went through arranged marriages and are more than unhappy in their relationships so they don't know it any differently. So they expect the next generation to succumb to it as well. So whenever you tell your mother and subsequently their mothers some of the negative/nasty things that you experienced, they probably think 'so what?'. 'Things are going to be rough in your marriage. You as the woman are probably expected anyway to put your expectations behind your husbands, so you might as well get used to it'. So they will never understand that kind of argument why you should not meet/agree to a specific guy. If any of these mothers would have evolved from this mentality they would not put so much pressure on either child to stand in the arranged market. As with your PhD: why should you give up now? why should you just marry someone randomly. That would make your struggles and efforts of the past 10(?) years totally void. You owe it to yourself to see this through and not give in to outside pressure. If someone is nasty now and already putting pressure onto you beforehand, what do you think is going to happen later? Don't you think he/his family will increasingly put on pressure and try to influence all your decisions regardless of your feelings? He may agree currently that you don't have a job now. But since he doesn't seem to listen to you not liking him enough it indicates that he doesn't care about your feelings now. His only objective currently is to get you to agree to see him. Once you show him that you can be pressured to do something against your will, you will teach him that despite your initial resistance you will give in to him, i.e. it's ok for him to pressure you. How can his mother even want you to stay with her son if you clearly don't like him? - This clearly indicates that his mother/family also still has highly traditional opinions, i.e. you don't count. Do you really want to get involved with another family likethis? Is it not enough that you struggle with your own parents/family that they don't care about you as an individual, about your feelings, dreams, aspirations? Do you really think that either of these families will leave you in peace after the marriage to be who you want to be? No, they already showed that it's not about you, that it's all about them and what their sons want. And for some reason, this guy wants you, although the communication between you has been crap, even so he clearly does not have a high opinion of you. This bodes very badly for the kind of relationship/interaction he is hoping for from a marriage, one where you are only the 'space filler', i.e. it doesn't matter who fills the role, as long as someone got it. You could replace what I wrote about any of the guys you have considered so far. -- You know, if the whole search is only about the status of being married and not about finding someone to share your life with (BIG difference) you might as well tell the next candidate that 'all you want is to be married for the sake of it, so that both sets of families will leave you alone; but afterwards you are both living your separate lives. Maybe even try to find romantic partners, as long as the facade of the marriage is maintained.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I agree with every word that penelope said. You are wasting my time. You are a drama queen, a spoiled brat, you have no simple manners, you are rude. Someone needs to straighten you out.' This is the kind of guy who would "straighten you out" by smacking you around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 16, 2011 Author Share Posted June 16, 2011 Thank you Penny. I agree. The reason why I resisted to go see him is because I realized that if I give in after hearing all this from him, that will show him that I can say whatever and she will still take me back. That sets a pattern of bad behavior. Thank you for the last paragraph. wow... yes I sense my desperation for marriage is really that bad. The truth is though I just haven't come accross any quality guys so far. I don't know if its me or if arranged marriage system has a boatload of poor quality guys (mind you they all are educated etc, but have no sense of how to behave) or these are the bad fishes that are thrown back. And these kinda men make me wonder what am I holding out for if this is all that's there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 16, 2011 Share Posted June 16, 2011 I think there is a multitude of reasons in combination why you haven't been able to find someone yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 17, 2011 Author Share Posted June 17, 2011 Met with my psychiatrist today. She has asked me to lower the dose, taper and get off my anti-anxiety pills. I sincerely hope it works. I wont' have insurance anymore and I don't want to be taking those pills. Thats a good news. I'm hoping that I'll be able to lose some weight once I come off my pills. She has told me to keep exercising regularly next 2 weeks as that will help elevate my mood. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 I'm trying to stay positive today. I'm hanging in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 19, 2011 Share Posted June 19, 2011 Met with my psychiatrist today. She has asked me to lower the dose, taper and get off my anti-anxiety pills. I sincerely hope it works. I wont' have insurance anymore and I don't want to be taking those pills. Thats a good news. I'm hoping that I'll be able to lose some weight once I come off my pills. She has told me to keep exercising regularly next 2 weeks as that will help elevate my mood. Tinu - exercise keeps me sane -I am not kidding. At least it feels that way - during the workout (whether it's a power walk or an exercise DVD I do at home) I feel the tension releasing and I visualize exhaling and "pushing away" any negative energy -also works. And even if you don't release one pesky endorphin it makes you feel like you've accomplished something -and we're both really into that, I know - and you can see the results which is so cool. As far as being married - you know, the status of being married makes life easier at least where I live and am from -that's the truth. It's an unfair truth though. But that's not a reason to be married. I definitely see the difference in my relationship between being exclusive and being exclusive and married - because we both strongly believe in marriage. The differences are positive and negative - negative in the sense that I think we both feel the temptation at times to take on traditional roles that don't really suit us but seem to be "what married people do" (meaning, our married parents and perhaps other people who we've been close to for years). It's kind of cool to try on different hats, take on different roles but I remind myself to be "my husband's girlfriend" as much as the more traditional "his wife" if "wife" means being very settled ,traditional, etc (again this is just personal musings on my part -people define "wife" differently I know!). I know if I had married him the first time we were serious many years ago I would have enjoyed the marital status I guess but it would have been so overshadowed by us not being right together at that time. It wouldn't have kept me happy that's for sure. So be careful please about elevating the marital status over the person you are thinking of being involved with. Just my humble opinion. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you Batya. Yes, I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Last year around this time I was as heavy as 155 lb. This year this time I'm 135 lb (~61 kg). I want to weigh 120 lb (~55 kg). Seems difficult. Losing the last 10-15 lbs is a big struggle. I've been walking religiously 4-5 miles 3-4 times a week with weights. I've lost weight from chest and butt which I absolutely don't like, but I've to live with it. The tummy fat doesn't budge so easily to diet and exercise. ugh... so frustrating... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 I agree with what batya said. I also want to add that it's 1000 times better to be single than to be married to the wrong man. even though there are some perks that come with the married status, it's not enough to make up for being married to the wrong man. 135 is great tinu!! don't beat yourself up. it's hard to lose those last pounds, the body resists, it likes to have it around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Thank you Annie. I'm having those thoughts of settling down today again. I really appreciate what you wrote. I needed to hear that today, and for days to come whenever I get these thoughts of settling down with whoever. I dont know why its difficult for most women to not take fear-based decisions? I dont know about men, but its definitely difficult for women. I know from my story and my friends' examples as well. well as far as weight goes, 135 lb is great, and understanding where I was last year, I'm really thankful to have lost that weight. I feel myself again. But I want to get that highschool body back. Well, in highschool I weighed 110 lb. My height is 5 4 (People say that I look taller than that, but I calculated my weight according to my measured height) I don't know if its possible at all to weigh 110 lb again without surgery, drugs, or starving. If I stay at my current weight, I think I'll still be okay. But I know that I need to keep exercising and eating right to even stay at this weight because I know how much weight I can put on. I have been able to stay at this weight for about 3 months now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 hang in there, ok? my mom called me yesterday saying the same thing she does every week. "I hope you get married soon!" geez, it's really really really not helpful to be told that on a near daily basis. what is going to change in 1 day?? it really annoys me. i don't know why some women are brainwashed like that. imagine being married to a horrible man who puts you down all the time, cheats on you, but expects you to keep a perfect house and work full time, but he doesn't lift a finger. how bad would that be? you'd be better off free and single. i just saw on the news this morning that a 90 year old woman married an 82 year old man. they met on link removed. just shows that you are never too old to fall in love and get married! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 it's hard to lose those last pounds, the body resists, it likes to have it around. Having personally struggled with losing even 30 pounds, I have high respect for people who are trying to lose the weight the right way. Its a daily struggle. Lifestyle change is very difficult and doesn't give you overnight weight loss. I've to tell myself everyday "You didn't gain weight overnight. You won't lose it overnight. Its gonnabe a long road and you have to just think about doing your stuff right on a day-to-day basis." How do filmstars manage to lose weight and stay thin? I know people say they have a whole crew of dieticians, nutritionists, fitness specialists, personal trainers, etc. Its so difficult not to get sucked into looking like them. Its so difficult to look like them without the kind of assistance they have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 drugs tinu. don't think a lot of them aren't doing all sorts of drugs. remember, we are not film stars, we are real women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 i just saw on the news this morning that a 90 year old woman married an 82 year old man. they met on link removed. just shows that you are never too old to fall in love and get married! awww... thats sweet. Stories like these give me hope. Courage... not so sure, but yes hope definitely! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 and you know what else is cool - people complain that 'online dating' doesn't work. who would have thought a 90 year old woman would have generated interest or match, but it happened!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 drugs tinu. don't think a lot of them aren't doing all sorts of drugs. remember, we are not film stars, we are real women. Yes I know that a lot of them do drugs, have eating disorders etc. I don't have a problem if I'm not a filmstar. My problem is that I'm expected to look like one or I should say... I'm sucked into this idea that every female needs to look thin no matter what age and how many pregnancies she has had. Occasionally I've dared to Q men about this "How do you want me to look like a filmstar without all the extra support they have? If you provide me that and then expect results thats one thing, but you can't expect an average, physically and mentally hard-working woman, eating regular meals (it takes money to eat healthy in this country) to look like a filmstar. Thats just not gonna happen." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Occasionally I've dared to Q men about this "How do you want me to look like a filmstar without all the extra support they have? If you provide me that and then expect results thats one thing, but you can't expect an average, physically and mentally hard-working woman, eating regular meals (it takes money to eat healthy in this country) to look like a filmstar. Thats just not gonna happen." Do men tell you they are looking for a film star wife??? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 20, 2011 Author Share Posted June 20, 2011 Do men tell you they are looking for a film star wife??? Noone says it out. They all look for how much higher they can go in terms of looks. Patti Stanger calls it "F*ability factor" Men are more visual and more shallow compared to women. Thats why you see beautiful women with not so hot men, but you would rarely see a wealthy/successful/famous man with not-so-good looking woman. I dont know about American men, (I believe that all men have same baseline, a little plus, a little minus) but definitely Indian men in arranged market look for lighter skin color, long hair etc. If they can't find it, they will live with what they are able to get, but if they have a choice they would go for a better-looking girl than a better natured girl. I'm not saying it shouldn't be this way, but you just have to keep up with your competition. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted June 20, 2011 Share Posted June 20, 2011 Noone says it out. They all look for how much higher they can go in terms of looks. Patti Stanger calls it "F*ability factor" Men are more visual and more shallow compared to women. Thats why you see beautiful women with not so hot men, but you would rarely see a wealthy/successful/famous man with not-so-good looking woman. I dont know about American men, (I believe that all men have same baseline, a little plus, a little minus) but definitely Indian men in arranged market look for lighter skin color, long hair etc. If they can't find it, they will live with what they are able to get, but if they have a choice they would go for a better-looking girl than a better natured girl. I'm not saying it shouldn't be this way, but you just have to keep up with your competition.' I try to date good looking men as well. nothing wrong with that, it's human nature. You sound kind of.... well, bitter and antagonistic when it comes to this whole process, which is understandable. but it also signals to me that either 1 - it's time to take a break from the husband hunting, or 2 - you totally need to mix up your strategy. meeting men should be fun and exciting, not a chore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 21, 2011 Author Share Posted June 21, 2011 I had to meet a man this weekend and I'm not happy with the way that interaction went. Is it appropriate that when I sense things are going wrong I tend to shut down and not speak much? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted June 21, 2011 Share Posted June 21, 2011 The right thing to do is to find a possibility to cut the interaction short and then to let him know that you are not interested in further communication. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted June 22, 2011 Author Share Posted June 22, 2011 Since 2009 I've been trying to get accepted with scholarship into a 2-week techniques course at a prestigious university. 2009, got accepted with scholarship, my boss acted difficult and didn't let me go, 2010, didn't get accepted, 2011 (this year), got accepted with scholarship and because I've graduated now I don't even need to ask for his permission. If I have a choice, I do not see myself going into basic sciences research. I'm not actively looking for a postdoc position (nothing wrong with it, I want to stay in clinical research). These are my career options (in decreasing order of preference) 1) pharmacist 2) clinical research position 3) purely teaching position 4) post doc position. If I decide to take up this scholarship and attend the course, I still have to pay for airfare + hotel = $1000 out of my pocket to learn techniques that I may never use in future. If I decline the offer, I fear losing trust of the course coordinator. I might come accross as a person who doesn't know what she wants. They offered me scholarship in 2009, I told them I can't attend because I had to recruit subjects for next studies. Now they asked me if I would be joining the course, I said "sure yes", but now I'm having serious 2nd thoughts. Considering my limited stay in this country (because I don't have a job offer yet), I need to make serious and focused efforts to pass pharmacy boards. Taking this course in late July is taking at least 15 days away from studying since its a full-time course. Then 2-3 days before and after I will need to take a break and readjust the focus. So about 3 weeks are gone without studying. My parents are after me for marriage and if nothing works out in the US, they are expecting me to come back to India and once I go back they will marry me to whoever. So I need to stay put here as long as I can and give it my best shot to my pharmacy exams and if God is willing, pass those exams. I'm planning on taking the exam around early Sept this year. My temporary employment will begin next week and I will have to juggle work and study time. On the other hand, this is a good institute. If I go there for the course, I will be able to network and possibly get a post doc position or something. Learn techniques that are widely used in basic science research in my field and I can put that on my CV. My close American female friend said "This time, given your unique visa and family situation, if I were you I would focus whole-heartedly on passing pharmacy exams. Now is the time to look at what is practical and what will give you a stable life and not what little courses you can do to put on your resume." I don't know what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted June 22, 2011 Share Posted June 22, 2011 I would do the course and double up your efforts to study -cut your transition time before and after to one day, therefore having 4 extra days of study, for example. I think it's an opportunity to network, explore other options and have references you might want in the future. And who knows, you might meet a cute guy or someone who knows one.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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