Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

My car has broken down again. The check engine light is on. I went to get it checked. The transmission is the issue. 4th gear operation is faulty (no 3-4 shift). Diagnostic Trouble Codes (DTCs) P0734 and P0761. My car has lately been giving me real low gas mileage. The guy said it might be because of this problem. The cost estimate for repairs is $1500. I bought the car for $2000. I don't know what to do. I need to keep this car for 1 more year. I don't have money to put in for a newer car. If I buy another used car, there is no telling that it won't need fixing and how costly they will get. I don't know where I will be a year from now. I may very well be in India. I really dont want to buy a newer car and have to sell it.

[penelope13]

don't diminish your life quality and pleasures due to some undefined plans in the future. do you really want to avoid having to maybe sale a potential new car and have to deal for 1 year with a failing car just because MAYBE you might move in the future. It's one thing if you were sure, but just to stop yourself from something that may make your life now easier because of the unknown future is not wise

[LAYAAN]

I'm struggling to write this.

Well... I've been having a lot of mixed emotions since yesterday. Yesterday was the hooding ceremony @ school. Today was baccalaureate service. Tomorrow is commencement. I took committee members out for lunch yesterday, came home, steamed the gown, rushed to the ceremony, from there took my close friend out for dinner. The guy I mentioned earlier called again. Its been a week or so I stopped attending his calls. I thought "well, he might have changed." His mom called my mom and asked why I wasn't attending his calls. So I decided to give it another shot yesterday. Came home and called him back.

The guy said whatever to me, denied many hurtful things that he had said to me before "I don't recollect saying anything like this. Tell me today yes or no. You are wasting my time. You are a drama queen, a spoiled brat, you have no simple manners, you are rude. Someone needs to straighten you out."

I only listened to him say same things over n over to me, everytime I would open my mouth he would say something to the note of "you are not letting me finish. You are making small talk. YOu are accusing me of somethign I haven't said."

I pleaded with him at about 10 pm "I really need to go to bed. I was out all day. I had hooding ceremony today. And now you call and fight and argue. I have no energy to speak." Finally I was mad, tired, angry, frustrated. I said "Whatever, have a great life. dont bother me again, bye"

called my mom, talked to her, told her "I've made up my mind. I'm going to say no to him. After this phone, I'm going to write him that final email."

sat down, prayed, wrote in my prayer journal "i hope that my decision is right. i know there would be marriage here, but my heart is not at peace with this man at all. i'm not happy."

wrote him an email "hello n, i do not want to pursue our interaction w.r.t. marriage anymore" thats it. blocked his email ID and phone number

He wrote following email to my mom

 

"During my interaction with your daughter over the past couple of months, I genuinely tried to take a sincere interest in her by calling her often to get to know her. I don't think that I said or conveyed anything that would be hurtful to her besides insisting that it is time to meet each other. Unfortunately, she had flu. However, after recovering, she mentioned that she didn't feel like meeting me. When asked for particular reasons, she could not come up with anything substantial and mentioned a couple of things that I can only term as silly." (the guy wouldn't let me talk yesterday. Everytime I opened my mouth, he would fight me.)

A couple of things to clarify from my side to clear myself of possible allegations:

Since I had liked your daughter and her photos from day one, I would never say or do anything intentionally to hurt her. In spite of everything, I have apologized to her; just in case. (No he didn't. He was very arrogant yesterday)

In all of this, I never had an eye on your property. We already have a sufficiently large property and do not wish or desire yours. Certainly not by marrying someone from your family with an eye on your property. If I ever desired, I would much rather pay a fair price for such things." (I haven't said anything to this guy about this. He asked my parents questions about their property. He asked me same Qs which I didn't answer. I said "my parents are better people to answer these Qs". He came up with the topic "prenuptial agreements should be made mandatory by law. The girl gets half of everything for no reason. I worked my behind off to build a house in India. Why should I give half of it to my wife? just because she marries me?")

 

I had 3 friends attend the ceremony yesterday. My senior friend called today and congratulated me. Mom said that she is proud of me for finishing up the program finally. Those are the positive feelings I'm hanging onto.

I couldn't sleep last night, got up at 2am, tried to study, went to the service today, went to lab to check up on something, slept in the afternoon, this guy emailed my mom today.

My mom said "You don't know when to stop interacting. You should have stopped before with this guy. You shouldn't let things escalate to this point. Now do me a favor, don't bother to reply this email. If his mom calls me I'll tell her that its entirely my daughter's decision. I can't push her. Please excuse us if we have made any mistake."

Hate all this. I feel so sad...

 

Its my fault that I decided to attend his call last evening. It is not his fault for acting this way. He is who he has always been.

[annie24]

don't beat yourself up tinu. he's an ass. like i said before, you should have just ignored him. or just said, 'i am no longer interested, i wish you well on your search' and that's it. nothing else to say. i feel pity for whatever woman might marry him. she's going to have to deal with a lifetime of his crap. be thankful that is not you.

 

i think the professors should have to take YOU out for lunch! not the other way around. what a stupid tradition, lol!!!

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

It wasn't that I cared to take these people out, I felt obligated to do that and I'm glad I did my part and now its over. My PI won't take us all out. He is too cheap for that. I would highly doubt if he would do that and if he does, he might take us out to faculty dining services, which is not bad, but its on campus, pretty much like cafeteria for faculty only. That is where he took all of us out last couple of times. Please don't be so cheap. Take us out to some decent place. Its not everyday lunch. This is once in 7 years.

[annie24]

if it's the tradition, you have to do it, i guess. my advisor has been cool and taken us to many nice places over the years. oh well - you'll never have to see your advisor again soon!!

[LAYAAN]

I'm really scared to end up alone. I'm worried that I will end up alone. Recently 2 men kept me hanging and I decided to cut all contact with them. The 3rd guy only talks on phone on weekends. I don't know how long this has been going on. The 4th guy's father pushed him that we should meet, but this guy is dragging his feet on that matter. The 3rd & 4th guy's standard reply is "You want to meet? sure, you can fly or walk to SF. We are busy, we don't have time to come to meet you in SoCal."

I can't say this to my mom because she doesn't like it when I tell her that I'm confused or I want to go back to the guy that I just ended things with in an email. He was super interested in me. He could have fallen for me. There would be marriage and I've let that guy go. Now I'm left hanging by 4 guys. My friends showed up, we took pictures and they left.

 

Now, I'm home alone. Its when I'm alone that my singlehood really concerns me. I won't stay in this country for long. I'm tired of being alone. I really want to settle down. All these years PhD was a hanging sword on my head. I talked myself into keeping men on the back burner. But here I'm now, finished schooling and single at this age. It hurts. As long as I'm working towards something in life, I feel alive, I feel I can gather courage to face my singlehood because there is something else on the line, but what now?

One of the fellow graduating students asked me today while medical students were being handed their diplomas

"So, how do you feel now?"

God, I didn't need that Q today.

I said "I'm happy to be here, but it will take me some time to let it sink in that this journey is really over."

I'm not happy, I'm not sad, I don't know what I'm feeling inside. I just want to go home and be with people that care for me. If I can't get married here in a year, I think I will go crazy out of loneliness. I don't think that reactivating my account on link removed will do me any good. I've tested those waters before. I can't focus on my pharmacy exams. Today, I just want to pack up and go home.

[annie24]

Don't be afraid of being alone. I feel you - i am 30, recent grad, no man or permanent job in sight. but even worse, i think, is being trapped in a bad marriage. please, don't panic and meet the first guy who finally fits the bill. i honestly don't think that these guys are interested in you if they are insisting you come to them. that's just what i notice from my years of online dating - most of the men offered to come visit me first. i don't care if this is arranged marriage or not, but any guy with a brain knows that you are a poor student - they should either offer to pay for your flight, or meet you half-way, or come to see you. on the 2nd or 3rd visit, you can go and see them. but really, i'm suspicious of these guys who want you to "walk" to SF (what an ass!!). would these guys say that to aishwayra rai? no. i don't think so. you're a special woman, and you shouldn't lower your standards to be with these guys who don't give a damn.

 

imagine you get married - and you are with a man who works 20 hours a day. and when he gets home, he complains about your cooking, that the house isn't nice, and then he retreats to his computer room and locks you out and you have no idea what is going on. yes, it is possible to feel lonely in a marriage as well.

 

have you thought about joining an organization where you can meet men more naturally? maybe some kind of outdoors sport (frisbee team?) what about just link removed and trying to meet an american man? i think that these guys who are treating you like some sort of business deal are really the wrong match for you.

[annie24]

ps - next time a man tells you to walk to SF to see him, tell him to suck your big fat weiner. that is not cool.

[LAYAAN]

ps - next time a man tells you to walk to SF to see him, tell him to suck your big fat weiner. that is not cool.

oh wow... well... I got your point.

[Batya33]

Looking for a husband because you fear being alone or lonely will almost certainly lead to bad choices. I know that from personal experience. Why not celebrate your accomplishments (with a big or private celebration) and believe that if you are out there, interacting with likeminded people (men or women) and carrying yourself with pride and presence you will meet good people. I felt like freaking out at your age too -I broke an engagement at 31, at 32 I was in a serious relationship but unsure about our future and that clock was sure ticking loudly. But soon after that I started coming into my own more -felt more competent/confident in my career, did things to look and feel more attractive, started doing volunteer work in my mid-30s and started making new close women friends and feeling completely done with wanting to be "trendy" or care about what others thought. I hope you experience a similar transformation.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

Well, I've joined a lot of meetup groups, but the groups I've joined mostly have men in their old age. I'm thinking of joining singles groups on meetup. I haven't joined link removed, but I was on EH for a long time, got 6-7 first dates, no 2nd dates, wasted time and money. Men raised in India asked same Qs to me even on EH and Indian men raised in the US were scared if I was a genuine person or someone out there on EH to get a fast green card, so they didn't want to take a chance with me. Also, Indian American men/American men soon decided that > an hour driving distance each way was too much for them and they "would rather find someone locally". Right now, I don't have a job. So, I don't think I should dish out any money to EH or match. I browsed through link removed free access, but didn't like the guys I saw on there in 50 mile radius from my place.

[annie24]

Then maybe right now, the bigger priority is finding the job, than finding the man?

[LAYAAN]

Just finished reading "How full is your bucket?" positive strategies for work and life by Tom Rath and Don Clifton. Its a good book... not the best, but it has some good points. Its an easy, fast read.

[LAYAAN]

Then maybe right now, the bigger priority is finding the job, than finding the man?

Yes, big priority is to get pharmacy exams out of my way. I've been procrastinating. I can't and should not any more. Another priority is to lose weight and get back to a decent frame, basically get back to healthy way of life. Got to find a job/next step.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Batya for sharing your story. I hope that I experience a transformation as well. I hope that as I grow older, forget about men, but I experience growth in kindness, wisdom, calmness, become more confident, self-reliant. I hope to stop freaking out w.r.t. lack of marriage and men.

[LAYAAN]

One of my committee members gave me a congratulations card yesterday. I took it without thinking much about it and opened it to find a check for $100 in it. I dont feel comfortable accepting the money. Why? just because I graduated? I don't want that obligation. I plan on returning it today.

Also, I have promised him that I will work with him on a clinical trial in few more months. He told me that he wont' be able to pay me much. I'm okay with that. I need to show employment for visa purpose. I need to get experience in a specific area. I'm not signing any contract. I will be able to stay in the dorm and save some money and study for pharmacy boards. So, I hope its a move in the right direction.

I'm surprised to see the check now. Why? Can there be an ulterior motive? He is known to be a good person. Many people talk good about him. My experience with him has been decent as well. What do I do? I feel burdened by that amount. When I work with him, I will take the salary (I know that its gonnabe less and we haven't settled on an amount yet). I expect that he will pay me for the work I do.

[annie24]

Maybe it was to cover the cost of the lunch? that's probably around the amount you spent, right? maybe he also doesn't feel comfortable with the tradition of the broke student paying for lunch for professors? glad to hear you will have this job opportunity in the meantime. this sounds positive. hugs.

[penelope13]

I think you should accept the money and just be appreciative. Refusing it will make a very akward situation.

 

It's a really bad sign if you start to mistrust other people even when they are nice to you. It reeks a bit of paranoia.

 

I know you are terribly busy, but are you still working with the mood gym?

[annie24]

yes, just take it. $100 isn't a lot either for a professor. i think it's very nice.

[MissIndigo]

I wouldn't return the money either...I would send him a nice thank-you note expressing your appreciation for the gift and point out how you might plan to use it as you further your training, or something like that. Why not treat it as a travel award, put it somewhere to help you get to your next meeting? Or to your next out-of-town networking event? That's several good meals or one night at a good hotel! Being unemployed right now I cannot tell you how much a gift like that would help. And the prof will love that you put it toward your professional development. So perhaps think about it that way?

 

I got a leather briefcase from my advisor when I graduated--it was nice, real nice...I was a bit bowled over by the gesture but we had a great professional relationship so I really appreciated it. This prof must care about you and like you, and seems like he could be an advocate for you professionally.

[annie24]

I agree - thank you note and tell him you will use it for professional development. very nice.

[LAYAAN]

Maybe it was to cover the cost of the lunch? that's probably around the amount you spent, right? maybe he also doesn't feel comfortable with the tradition of the broke student paying for lunch for professors? glad to hear you will have this job opportunity in the meantime. this sounds positive. hugs.

Ya, I paid almost the same amount for lunch ($91), but it was a thank you/celebration from my side. I didn't expect anything in return. I think you are right, he didn't feel comfortable that a poor student would take faculty out and pay for their lunch. He knows my boss is cheap and he should have taken all of us out instead.

[LAYAAN]

I wouldn't return the money either...I would send him a nice thank-you note expressing your appreciation for the gift and point out how you might plan to use it as you further your training, or something like that. Why not treat it as a travel award, put it somewhere to help you get to your next meeting? Or to your next out-of-town networking event? That's several good meals or one night at a good hotel! Being unemployed right now I cannot tell you how much a gift like that would help. And the prof will love that you put it toward your professional development. So perhaps think about it that way?

 

I agree - thank you note and tell him you will use it for professional development. very nice.

 

Thank you so much for your suggestion. I will definitely do that. I will be traveling out of state shortly to attend a course at a University and will be able to use this money. I think you are right, my prof will appreciate that I used the money well. Thank you again.

[LAYAAN]

I think you should accept the money and just be appreciative. Refusing it will make a very akward situation. It's a really bad sign if you start to mistrust other people even when they are nice to you. It reeks a bit of paranoia. I know you are terribly busy, but are you still working with the mood gym?

Unfortunately, Penny, I'm traumatized from working with my boss. I still get nightmares about my PhD. I still don't know if my boss is planning on doing something crazy and devious. I still dont feel like my PhD is over. My boss still has to sign the approval page. I dont' know who to trust anymore since my experience with the boss.

As I mentioned before in my post, many people talk very highly about this prof. So, I'm trying to see it in positive light.

No, I haven't worked with mood gym for some time now. I will start again. Its helpful.