Thoughts, ramblings

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu!!!! Your parents must be overjoyed. Now...finish off the corrections and thesis submission and you are FreEEEEEeeeee! (Be warned, right after I finished my defense it was like "what now?" I'd graduated in September and the year was just starting, so everyone else just went back to work afterward. I had decided to take two months off, and I did not ask my advisor for a temporary unpaid appointment. So during those two months my ID got canceled, I was no longer a student, I had no salary, I could not use the university library, my student housing terminated, an era of my life had ended, and I felt like a homeless ghost. It took a month or two to get out of the funk.) After that though? My life has been 100% better ever since. Congratulations!

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Marsh.

My parents are not overjoyed. My father has been mostly absent in my life. I don't know his reaction and don't care to find out. My mom always looked at my PhD as a hurdle for marriage, so she has a sense of great relief that this journey is over. I'm physically, emotionally, intellectually so drained that I can't even finish the thesis corrections. My boss had to talk to me about it yesterday.

A lot of what you mentioned in your post feels so familiar to me now. My ID will be cancelled in a month. Yes, I have been asking myself "What now?" I'm also trying to find out the next step about student housing. I may have to move out. My own room in the dorm that I've been living in for last 5 years or so feels strange to me. Don't have a job lined up, but had to quickly take up a temporary opportunity on campus for visa purpose. I can't explain my emotional state.

 

There are still deadlines to be met and I feel like I'm dragging my feet. The thesis person (at the Univ. that makes sure that thesis meets with standard requirement etc) called me yesterday "Please turn in your thesis on or before the scheduled deadline if you want your diploma. A lot of students just "forget" about thesis and never get their diploma. The hardest part is over, but you still have to comply with Univ regulations." I said yes, but I have no clue what I'm doing. I better get my act together.

[annie24]

I understand tinu. I really do. I've been searching for months and still do not have a job lined up. well, now i might, but it's not 100% for sure yet. You know, pat yourself on the back. you accomplished soooooo much! yes, you do need to turn in the thesis. take some time to relax. go sit in the sun with a nice beverage and then just slap together the final changes and be done with it. you've really accomplished a lot, so take some time to be proud of yourself.

[penelope13]

Don't give up now. You are nearly there! I know it's scary if you don't know yet what will happen afterwards, but no matter what, life will be easier when you have to show your degree for all the years that you already invested in it.

[annie24]

Don't give up now. You are nearly there! I know it's scary if you don't know yet what will happen afterwards, but no matter what, life will be easier when you have to show your degree for all the years that you already invested in it.

 

seriously!!! tinu is 99.9999% of the way there. I know after everything, you can't bare to do the 3 sentence changes that the committee recommended, or the growth curve, but it needs to be done! lol.

[MissIndigo]

Congratulations on defending your PhD thesis! I too know how exhausted and drained you feel, but I echo everyone else--do be proud of what you have accomplished. And if you are able, do try to take some time off just for yourself (or work on something you've always wanted to do but didn't have the time before)--before you get involved in a job. I'm still recovering from my post-doc years...

[LAYAAN]

Thank you MissIndigo for your encouraging post.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I want to take a break, but I'm not sure its a possibility at this time. I have some commitments and deadlines.

- The 2nd paper needs to be worked on and submitted.

- The thesis corrections need to be completed by a certain time.

- There is a collaboration going on, I'm part of that. As it turns out, I'm doing a lot more than what I thought I would be doing for the project. Its okay. I'm not complaining. I'm doing this for a co-authorship. I hope that these people keep their word.

- Job search is a full-time job.

- Need to study for pharmacy boards. That is still hanging on my head.

 

My study partner just passed her boards and I joined the lunch party she had organized. She and I initially used to study together. Later I couldn't because of my PhD work. She pushed through and passed those grueling exams. Her life is set now. She will get job somewhere. I feel bad for myself. I should have taken studies more seriously last year. I didn't. I had no energy to study. I really think that I was a little easy on myself last year. I quit my part-time job, didn't study for boards. All I tried to do (and wasn't too good at it either) was my PhD and tried to recover from late 2009 accident. I would have had my pharmacy license by now. I wouldn't be this concerned about job now had I pushed myself last year. But I can't change it now. Here I'm and I've to do whatever it takes to pass the boards. I can't be lazy anymore. Pharmacy boards is one goal and other is to lose weight. This needs to be accomplished.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie and Penny.

Yes, I'm going to hang in there and finish first set of corrections today. No matter what I'm feeling inside (exhausted and physically not well) I'm going to tough it out. I can do this. I've come this far. I will not mess things up at this point. I need to give myself this last push so I can be officially done.

[penelope13]

I know that I sound like a broken record: but don't waste time to think about the past and the decisions you took or didn't take. Just focus on what you absolutely need to do in order to get your degree (I didn't know that in the US after your thesis defense you are still not done) and to look for a new job.

 

We can't change the past, but we can always decide to do it better now.

[LAYAAN]

I attended a conference last weekend. There was one seminar that I really enjoyed and felt empowered to know the story of the speaker. This is now an old lady who dreamed of having her own business and built it from scratch.

She suggested 2 books to read -

- strengths finder 2.0

- Well being

Both are NY times best sellers.

She said something that I hope to implement

"Define what success means to YOU. People have a hard time understanding themselves and this is one of the reasons of our disrupted well-being. Because we don't know what we want, what makes us happy, what we call success. So we normally follow someone else's idea of success: big house, fat bank balance, vacations, yacht. As a result, we get possessions, but we are not satisfied. To feel truly happy, you need to know yourself and your needs and what ticks you. The process of finding that answer is not easy which is why we keep brushing it under the carpet and live an unfulfilled life."

and

"Make a habit of taking decisions from a point of passion and hope and not from a point of fear."

 

Another seminar I attended was from a high powered CEO who talked about her journey. She said "It was difficult to work in a male-dominated field, be married, and be a mother. When I was a new mother, I made some arrangements, got a small room to myself. Because I was breast-feeding, I would keep the door closed and many times used a breast pump while continuing to work so I could reserve milk for my child. The point is - its all doable. When you show desire to go beyond your limitations, your seniors will help you. But you have to take that first step. Don't make excuses. The road to success is longer for females than it is for males. But dont' whine, dont' complain, don't ask for special favors because you are female. You started on this journey and you will get there, but there is no alternate to hard work."

[annie24]

I know that I sound like a broken record: but don't waste time to think about the past and the decisions you took or didn't take. Just focus on what you absolutely need to do in order to get your degree (I didn't know that in the US after your thesis defense you are still not done) and to look for a new job.

 

We can't change the past, but we can always decide to do it better now.

 

At least at my university, you aren't done until you file the final paper work with the graduate school and pay the 'exit fee.' it's all a formality at that point. my committee asked for some minor changes to my thesis, but they didn't ask to see the final final result. so i could have put in a nude drawing of my committee on page 162 and no one would have known. and then i wasn't done done until i printed out the thesis on the proper paper, submitted it with the graduate school, and then paid the bursar's office for my degree. then i was officially DONE.

 

I think tinu needs to pat herself on the back more. i cannot imagine studying for boards in the middle of doing a PhD. in fact, it seems kind of insane/spreading yourself too thin, etc..... so tinu, i think you did the right thing in delaying the exams until finishing the phd. big hugs!!! take care of yourself, ok!!!!

[MissIndigo]

they didn't ask to see the final final result. so i could have put in a nude drawing of my committee on page 162 and no one would have known.

 

 

 

OMG that made me laugh. Hope that made you laugh too Tinu! I find a lot of comfort in humor during times like these--a great stress reliever.

 

Tinu, can you at least do some of these initial corrections or other writings in the comfort of your home/room? That can help me rejuvenate a feeling of well-being even if I cannot take a break. Perhaps it could help you too?

 

The lady you were able to listen to at the conference the other weekend sounds awesome. Try to surround yourself with more people like that. I've drawn more of my energy from people outside academia than from within over the years, and they are often more than willing to share their advice and wisdom with people like you.

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu, I don't know if you speak Hindi but my mom always says "hathi nikal gaya, pooch rahi gai..." the elephant has passed through the hole--all that is left to push through is the tail.

 

You can do it!!!!! The month after my defense stunk--I think it is pretty common to feel lost, especially since you expect to feel euphoric. But I pushed through it and have never looked back and you will do the same.

[LAYAAN]

I know that I sound like a broken record: but don't waste time to think about the past and the decisions you took or didn't take. Just focus on what you absolutely need to do in order to get your degree (I didn't know that in the US after your thesis defense you are still not done) and to look for a new job.

We can't change the past, but we can always decide to do it better now.

Thank you Penny. I'm doing my best now to complete the requirements and formalities so I can officially graduate.

[LAYAAN]

Would this bother you or is it just me? Would you bother meeting someone like this?

I've been talking to a man.

- This man is insecure about his skin color. He is much darker in color and he thinks he has to work harder to get girls because of that. Alright. He asked me multiple times if I liked his photos. I told him clearly that I find him decent looking and I'm not too keen on a man's looks. How we interact, personality, character, life goals, etc. is more important to me. A few days ago when we were talking, we entered into an argument and he said "I know, "I" am after you because I am darker in color. That's why I've to beg "you"."

I was hurt by this (I told him that this was hurtful, to which he says "What's there to feel hurt about this?) "Listen, you seem to be insecure about your color. I have seen you on webcam so many times. I know you are a bit darker in color. It doesn't matter to me. You are taking a step back now and asking me if I like your photos. Your photos do not matter now as we have had video chat so many times. And please don't bother talking to me if you don't like "me". Don't talk to me because you think you are dark and you have no choice, but to go for someone like me. That is very hurtful. I wish you had said this to me before, I would have let you go."

 

He tends to refer to unnecessary physical stuff while talking. (I feel awkward to say this, but I have to pour my heart somewhere)

- Very early on (in the emailing stage) he used to say "sure, you can answer my Qs in different color, as long as the color is pink, I don't mind."

- The physical act is going to be long, passionate blah blah. You would like it, right? (I was like ewe, ewe... who says something like this?)

- worse... he said "I think I want only one kid, but hey I want to have sex every single night. I'm not going to make any excuses in that. I dont' want to stop having sex after I have a kid." What the hell? Who says that? Isn't it assumed?

- "You can stay at my place." When I refused he got angry.

Him "I can come to LA, but please don't book 2 rooms. I will sleep on the floor, you can take the bed."

Me "No, I'm sorry I am not comfortable with that."

Him "Why? No, please please don't book 2 rooms. I will get to interact with you more."

Me "No. I'm sorry. You can interact with me all you want during day time. And I've already told you that I move very slowly in the physical area. I'm not comfortable holding hands, kissing on 1st-2nd date. And yes I know that money is an issue for both of us, but I want to be safe and comfortable. If I've to spend money for that, I will not think twice about it. And let me tell you, now that I'm conservative in terms of physical level of interaction. I keep it none-bare essential initially. If I feel comfortable with someone, I proceed slowly. I want to get to know you as a person before and you keep referring to such things like "I want you in my arms" when we haven't even met, how do you want me to be comfortable meeting you?"

Him "Why what happened with you?"

I shared only necessary details about the guy who groped me on 1st date.

Him "Really... well, look at you. You are making me wait and practically beg you to meet me, but you have no problem going to meet a guy after just couple conversations on phone. Why? Was he more handsome than me? Was he white skin? Was he?"

Me "Is that all you gather from what I said? The guy was not on east coast like you are. He was right here in CA when we talked. You were in India when we talked. Do you remember that?"

 

One of the random incidences he said to me

Him "Do you like flowers, chocolates?"

Me "Sure... what girl doesn't?"

Him "I will bring you everything, but what am I going to get in "return"?"

Me "Really? Seriously? How do you think like this? You don't bring me flowers b'coz you want something in return. You bring flowers b'coz you genuinely want to make someone happy. Now since you have asked me this idiotic Q I won't take anything from you. I'm hurt by what you just said. Its humiliating. This is not barter system."

Him "I've spent hours talking to women. I've taking financial hit for them. I got nothing out of it. So I asked what's in it for me?"

Me "But I never asked you to bring me anything. And I really think you are approaching this whole thing as a business. Its hurtful. We all tend to lose money, some more than others. I have as well. I've had bad experiences as well, but I'm not holding it against you. Don't punish a good person for what you went through with someone else. That's not fair. You are so hypersensitive that I'm gonna hurt you, waste your time and money that you are approaching everything from a point of fear."

 

Today I attended his phone call. He constantly keeps asking me "Are you coming or not, do you want to meet me or not. Tell me so I can move on to someone else." I just got mad and said "Here are the points why I'm not sure I should meet you. You argue with me. You don't get the point. I'm not interested in fighting with you either. If I didn't want to meet you, I would not have agreed to book my ticket."

Him "Don't give me such "drama" answer. Just say yes or no. Do you want to meet me or not?"

Me "Frankly, I need time to know that. We have argued so much. I'm not sure we will get along. I'm sorry I've to go to a seminar for mandatory attendance. I can't talk now, but I can call you back if you want to talk."

Him "Sure, now you will have to pursue me. And I'm not interested in small talk."

Me "What is small talk?"

Him "Any nonsense, gossip, etc."

Me "When did I gossip with you? I address certain topics that might become issues. I think its essential to do that."

Him "Whatever"

 

I don't know what to do. On one side I'm afraid of losing the guy (may be I've lost him already). I'm tired of looking. I'm tired of getting turned down. If this guy says no, I've noone else lined up. But I'm not happy with the way things are going. Is it wrong that these things hurt me? Am I being the drama queen?

[annie24]

I only read half of the post.... he sounds like a creep. run!!!!!!!!!!

[annie24]

ps - with guys like these, there is no point in trying to 'school' them or debate with them to teach them the error of their ways. just say, 'no thanks' and disappear.... the guy is clearly nuts.

[penelope13]

Just turn him down, walk away from this. And don't interpret it afterwards as him turning you down. He is simply not good enough for you.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you ladies. I appreciate your replies.

Annie, yes, you are right. You can't teach such men anything. They don't understand. I don't need to waste anymore of my time.

[Capricorn3]

Hope I'm not intruding, but I agree with both annie and penelope - he sounds a little nuts/creepy and it would be best that you have nothing further to do with him. Close the book on this guy. Never ever settle just because you feel tired of looking. Settling for this guy would be a disaster and ruin your life. It's not worth it.

[LAYAAN]

Hope I'm not intruding, but I agree with both annie and penelope - he sounds a little nuts/creepy and it would be best that you have nothing further to do with him. Close the book on this guy. Never ever settle just because you feel tired of looking. Settling for this guy would be a disaster and ruin your life. It's not worth it.

No you are not intruding. Thank you for your response.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, I don't know if you speak Hindi but my mom always says "hathi nikal gaya, pooch rahi gai..." the elephant has passed through the hole--all that is left to push through is the tail.

You can do it!!!!! The month after my defense stunk--I think it is pretty common to feel lost, especially since you expect to feel euphoric. But I pushed through it and have never looked back and you will do the same.

I hear you. I know that thing you say in hindi. Whatever happens. I still have to work at the thesis and submit it. Its not over yet.

[LAYAAN]

CVS pharmacies in my area are having huge sale. I didn't know that. I just happened to go to be in one just to kill time while my friend was shopping for clothes somewhere nearby.

This is what I got:

Revlon Double Twist Volumizing Mascara, 002 Black, $2.47

Rimmel Glam'Eyes Lash Flirt Mascara, 003 Kohl Black, $2.09

Revlon Fabulash Mascara, 001, Blackest Black, $2.09

Almay One Coat Dial up Mascara, 030 black brown, $2.12

[Batya33]

Great prices! I love Almay eye products and also use the kohl shade or intense black. Hope your thesis is going well and glad you moved on from that creepy guy!