marshmlofluff Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Interesting. Why do you say so? For exactly the reasons Batya33 outlined: When you get married, you are still going to be the same person you were before--if your life isn't full of hobbies and free time now, it probably won't be that way after marriage. As you know, I don't have kids--but I don't recognize the life you describe; free weekends, lots of income, etc. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 Your mom sounds awesome but did you and herself no favors by having no life of her own - and that's not what being a full time mom requires. To me my "own" life is in large part the time I spend raising my child (for now -when he is ready for pre-school I will do other things -work, for example -while he is in school). But I keep my own life going -I have friends (single/married/kids/no kids), love to read, spend time with my husband, exercise (albeit usually with my child along but still love the exercise and being outdoors),etc. I wouldn't be a full time mom if I thought that spending time with my child wasn't part of a "life of my own" -he is an integral part of my life and I am thrilled about it -I don't see it as taking away from "my own life" - just the opposite. Totally cool if you feel as you do -it sounds like you wouldn't be suited for full time motherhood because the resentment/bitterness would end up being sensed by your child -from a very young age - but I hope you might shift your perspective from this "my life"vs motherhood and see them as more integrated than you do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted March 26, 2011 Share Posted March 26, 2011 I have to agree with Poochie, for now you should really focus solely on your PhD and nothing else. Plenty of time (and newly discovered energy/ brain capacity) to think about everything else afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 29, 2011 Author Share Posted March 29, 2011 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 30, 2011 Author Share Posted March 30, 2011 I've been trying to cook as much as possible and try to eat healthy. Not easy. But I'm doing atleast 2 good things. 1) my breakfast smoothie - with fruits, flax, and protein powder 2) vegetable soup in evening (until I feel full) - made with loads of veggies. I have already lost some weight. I feel it. Lunch is always a problem because I dont want to waste too much time cooking and doing dishes and I really dont want to eat out. Its too costly and the food isn't always healthy. So, I had some assorted whole grain flours and I was looking to put them to good use. link removed Saw this recipe. Gave it a try. Very healthy (can be made unhealthy as well), easy, and filling. You can change it to make it sweet (with coconut milk and jaggery/molasses/brown sugar/white sugar/muscavado sugar) or spicy (as given in the original recipe, add red chilli powder, garlic, ginger). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 31, 2011 Author Share Posted March 31, 2011 Had an unproductive day in school. I have too much paperwork to file to different boards of pharmacy and immigration. Photos, run around getting signatures. Was exhausted by the end of the day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 1, 2011 Author Share Posted April 1, 2011 I had to fill out some government forms. They required passport size photos. I have been through this before and paid about $30 for just 2 passport photos. I had no time then, but I discovered a cheaper alternative yesterday. link removed You can upload photo, choose the country and the dimensions of photo you want. You can crop the uploaded photo to select your desired view and choose the way you want it to be shipped to you. I chose overnight and opted to collect at the nearest Walmart. This was my first time even trying something like this. It came out really great. I got 6 2" x 2" photos on a standard postcard of 4" x 6" size. Paid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 2, 2011 Author Share Posted April 2, 2011 I dread weekends. Everything (where I live) comes to a stand-still. I have to go to school on weekends these days. Come back to an empty home and have to do cooking and cleaning for the next week. Its no fun. Weekend is when my singlehood bothers me more than usual. Waiting for these men to call me or calling them, faking a smile, talking mechanically about meaningless, nonsensical everyday stuff. Then one weekend, I realize that oh... they have moved on. I go back to my diary and cross that name out. Next candidate. Hate the process so much. Hate it with passion. I'm completely tired of it. Why is search of mate so difficult? I was so distraught with all this on Thursday I came home for an hour, sat down, wept, made an effort to pray, opened my prayer journal and wrote "I do not know what You are trying to teach me through all this anguish. You know how badly I want this search to end. What is it that you want me to learn from this experience? This is so painful and long journey God. I don't know if, when, how this will be over. If it is Your will for me to stay single, put that on my heart. Talk to me. Take this yearning for companionship away." Last weekend I cleaned my room, finished cooking and doing dishes. Thats good in a way. Doing chores at least takes my mind off this nonsense for a while. Now this week I hope to finish laundry, cooking, and dishes. I finished grocery shopping today. Now going back to chopping vegetables. I leave for conference next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 Tinu - keep in mind that finishing your PhD will help you in search of your mate. Because until you are done with your PhD, you can't move, you can't go anywhere. You are in the home stretch right now!! Try not to get distracted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted April 2, 2011 Share Posted April 2, 2011 I know it is hard for you, but you really need to focus on your thesis, your exams, and only do the minimal of housework etc. Just because you don't like it, is not a reason to keep sabotaging your own success by not doing what is necessary, not because I think so, but unfortunately because that is what every one had to go through the last weeks of a PhD: forget every other aspect of life and focus, focus, focus. Motivate yourself by keeping the goal in mind: "I will be out of here in x days, then I will have the opportunity to do abc'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 3, 2011 Author Share Posted April 3, 2011 Yes, I'm hanging on. Pushing on. I will be going to school today. I hope to get some more thesis work done. I have been very prompt in making corrections and staying ahead of my boss on my paper. So that is a positive boost. I need to make some progress on my thesis as well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 I went to school, worked on my dissertation. Worked on part of the 2nd paper. Boss will have enough to work for next 2 days. So he will be off my back. I need to get some other school-related work today. Most of the office hours are spent in taking care of this stupid bureaucratic stuff only. As I'm getting closer to graduation, that list is getting longer. On top of that the board of pharmacy paperwork. and not to mention... bills to pay. Hate it... But have to do it. Don't know what is wrong. I can't fall asleep at night. Its almost 4am. Tomorrow is workday. I know I've to be up and running at 6am. I'm still up. Can't wait for this phase to be over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 4, 2011 Author Share Posted April 4, 2011 wow... how do I put this? The girl in the lab next door and I had argument since she screwed up my saved protocol. So, we haven't been talking since last June or so. She was my friend before that. On top of it, she moved from next door lab to the room exactly opposite to my room. So, inevitably, I've to see her face everyday. If this was not enough now she has moved in the same dorm I live in. What do you call this? I don't know how to handle this anymore. I have been trying my best to avoid confrontation. I see our common friends (who decided to stop talking to me after her and I argued) keep coming to the building. I really should not have argued with her. I did not know life would take this turn. I have to cook in common kitchen, attend common events, go to same gym, reading rooms. Things in lab are bad enough. I just do not need to see her outside lab. I'm hanging in there. I told myself that I just need to mind my business and may be try to cook in a different kitchen or cook at different time. May be wash my clothes in hall far away from her hall. Try my best not to go to her hall. Its not going to work all the time. I just have to do my best to keep my mouth shut and keep myself busy with my schoolwork. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted April 4, 2011 Share Posted April 4, 2011 Just think of her as yet another reason to finish your PhD. keep going, you can do it!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 5, 2011 Author Share Posted April 5, 2011 Yes, I really am getting sick of this whole process. I just want to graduate and move on to the next thing. 2nd paper is getting closer to submission. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Isn't that a bit of an extreme reaction that you want to change your cooking and cleaning habits just because you don't want to be in the same room with this person? every time you would be going out of your way to try to avoid her it would only increase your negativity and increase your resentment, anger, frustration, bitterness - all negative emotions that you don't need. Sure I get you don't like her. You don't have to like her. You don't have to talk to her, but you can simply coexist and simply ignore her. Why give her this power by trying to actively avoid her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted April 5, 2011 Share Posted April 5, 2011 Tinu, I know you're going through a lot right now, but honestly.. this sounds like something I would've written in high school or freshman year of college. I don't know what exactly you argued about, but I can't imagine that it should be resulting in this sort of juvenile stomping around. Maybe she wants to do that, but you know better. I've noticed two things, both based upon this post and the post that you resurrected in the Dating thread today: 1) You're really, really good at procrastinating and putting off things that are unpleasant to you. That's kind of an awesome skill Instead of worrying about your dissertation, you worry about marriage, or this girl, or the guy who never paid you back for the plane ticket. You need to find something that will help you focus. When your mind starts to wander to these relatively inconsequential things, knock yourself back into reality. It's a terribly old trick, but have you tried putting a rubber band or hair band on your wrist and snapping it when your brain wanders? It's actually really useful. 2) You are a really kind, loving soul and you take things very hard and emotionally. You can sometimes take an offense a bit too far: like reporting the guy who never paid you back, or completely avoiding the girl you fought with. Sure, you had a fight with this girl. But that really does not warrant an inability to be anywhere near her. Part of being an adult is understanding that you will not get along with everybody, but you may have to cross paths with them every now and then. What is it about seeing her that makes you so upset? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 1) Self-respect. Love yourself first. Know that you are a good person and you deserve to be treated well. Make a bond with yourself that you will not tolerate mis-treatment. 2) Learn to identify bad behavior 3) Address it sooner, before a pattern establishes, before it is too late and you end up losing the person as a friend, or worse, you end up losing your self-esteem in this process of retaining the friendship/making the relationship work. Let the person affecting you know in a calm, collected manner that you do not appreciate to be treated this way. Stand up for yourself in a dignified manner. If you don't you are allowing the other person to set a pattern, to push you just a little further. So you just have to learn to deal with such people. They are not going to go away. You will need to learn to protect yourself from such people. 4) Follow through. Observe. If the person is showing no changes in behavior towards you. Pull the plug. Let it go. Its not worth saving such toxic relationship. I need to watch my mouth about what I reveal about myself to others. Don't show your weakness even to your "friends" until you can trust them well. People have a way of preying on your vulnerability. Always understand that. You will get better help on ENA than by revealing, what should be private information, to your friends. Don't doubt your value. This doesn't make you a stupid/dumb/idiot person. You are naive. You may just need to learn how to survive in this world. You will learn it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 Orchidrose and Penny.... I will try to address some of your comments. You can read it in connection to my post#1395. Isn't that a bit of an extreme reaction that you want to change your cooking and cleaning habits just because you don't want to be in the same room with this person? You are right. You argued with someone, its over. Move on with your life. I would, infact I'm trying to. But I know her nature. This is not the first time we have argued. She gives it a rest for a while and catches you off-guard, raises her voice (as usual) and turns the whole thing around on you (as usual) and makes it look like you are the one at fault. She has done that before. So, it is not worth to be near her to give her that opportunity. I have tried to tell her this before, but as she started raising her voice and bullying me, I just lost it. I totally forgot what I wanted to say to her. I was so hurt, I started crying. Victory for her again! Something that I've learned is that I just can't stand up to her. If she runs out of defense she will bring up topics from past or random hurtful points in my life and throw them at me to get me emotional. This all has happened before. Every time you would be going out of your way to try to avoid her it would only increase your negativity and increase your resentment, anger, frustration, bitterness - all negative emotions that you don't need. Sure... I agree. I'm feeling it. I understand it. I don't know what else to do, but to avoid her. I know for sure that I don't want to be friends again. There is nothing in it for me. I know I can't handle her. I know she wont' change. I don't want her to change so its comfortable for me. In fact, as odd it may sound. I'm thankful that this happened to me. This person made me aware of my flaws and gave me an opportunity to work on those. I mean it sincerely. Sure I get you don't like her. You don't have to like her. You don't have to talk to her, but you can simply coexist and simply ignore her. Why give her this power by trying to actively avoid her? Its not that I don't like her. I like certain aspects about her. I appreciate that she is a hard-working, honest individual. She supports her family. These are awesome qualities. I admire them. But there are certain aspects of her personality that I don't appreciate... raising voice at people, putting people down in almost every single area of life, biatching about people, going back on your word, bullying people like me and when I'm trying to address something, totally disqualifying what I'm saying. So coexisting is not possible. I'm deeply hurt and I don't want to cause damage to myself or her by saying nasty stuff, yelling, screaming, crying. You know what bothers me the most? I was never listened to. I looked for opportunities several times.... to address how she has been treating me. I learned from her behavior that its not a good time to talk when she is arguing, fighting, screaming. So I waited to address things when she was calm. She would go from 0 to 10 within a fraction of second when I would bring topics up. Basically her favorite quotes are "Hey its nothing personal.""Get over it!" When I would say "You said ... and I would quote exactly what she said... and it made me feel...." She would say "But I didn't mean it." Basically making you look like a fool for not understanding her exact emotions behind those words. So, you are an idiot for feeling hurt because you are pulling things out of context and getting yourself hurt. She is not responsible for that. Something that might also help you to understand is that she is known to be this kind of person in our graduate school. Faculty, technicians, graduate students... everyone knows it. Because of her similar behavior she was even thrown out of not 1 but 2 previous labs that she rotated in. She often talks about it and says that they are at fault for not understanding where she was coming from. She pulled the same trick on my professor. My professor is a strong white guy. An old professor who has been around for a while. He came to me and started venting about the whole thing. He said something to her and girl she gave it right back to him. She told her professor, when he asked her why she screwed up my protocol, that she will deal with me if I ask her that Q and he need not interfere in her matter. Her ex-BF would come to me and ask me how he should deal with her fiery personality. He literally started recording her when they would argue so he can refer back to those points when she would say "Oh but i didn't mean that". What is it about seeing her that makes you so upset? Reasons given above. What is making me upset is not her behavior because as you see everyone knows that this is who she is. You befriend her, you be ready to take this on. So I should have known better. But I went ahead and played with fire. So, what bothers me is not what she is, but that I am not learning to judge people correctly. That is my biggest worry. I'm going wrong in evaluating people often. I'm getting fooled. The same thing happened with the Chicago guy. I'm disappointed with myself. I'm not disappointed with anyone else in the world. If not this person, someone else.... only names and faces would change, but repeatedly when such things happen with me I can't help but feel bad about myself that *I* am unable to successfully identify people and protect myself from the possible harm. Anyway, bottom line is that I have gone wrong in calling her friend. Its my mistake that I mis-judged her. Its not her responsibility. If you hold a hot coal in your hand, is it the coal's fault that you are burned? I hope that I've learned my lessons and I will not repeat this mistake again. But I can't coexist with her without her making another effort to bully me again. I just can't do that. Its impossible to have a normal, honest conversation with this girl. She just will not listen to you. She gets defensive and shuts you out. While you are talking, she is not listening. She is preparing her next response to you. I can't deal with such people in my personal life. I've taken a lot from this girl already. No more. No more. I have no regrets for saying what I said to her last June. I am sorry that I blew up. I can understand why I blew up and I'm working on correcting that problem in me. Thank you Penny and orchidrose for reading and for your comments with an honest intention to help me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ariel85 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 Tinu - I think it's time to let your parents arrange a marriage. Or else I will!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 You are right. I've made this observation myself. The situation that I'm in right now is because I tend to run away from things that are unpleasant whether it is studying or exercising/doing dishes or telling people to stop treating me the way they are.... its the same rule no matter what thing is bothering me. Procrastination, not nipping it in the bud. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 Tinu - I think it's time to let your parents arrange a marriage. Or else I will!!! Go ahead try your hand at it.... who knows may be you will succeed! It hurts me how bad my marriage situation is that people on ENA are making jokes about it. I should just stop writing a journal here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 I have not exercised in a while. I was feeling it in my body. So, today even if I was feeling down and discouraged, I dragged myself to just get on the machine and walk at a comfortable pace. Watched food network to lift my spirit up. ran 3 miles. I feel so much better now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted April 6, 2011 Share Posted April 6, 2011 I have not exercised in a while. I was feeling it in my body. So, today even if I was feeling down and discouraged, I dragged myself to just get on the machine and walk at a comfortable pace. Watched food network to lift my spirit up. ran 3 miles. I feel so much better now. That is fabulous to hear -I mean it. I know just how you feel. And food network is a great choice too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted April 6, 2011 Author Share Posted April 6, 2011 That is fabulous to hear -I mean it. I know just how you feel. And food network is a great choice too. Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, for those who exercise regularly, its really like a drug. You get hooked. When you don't exercise for longer periods, you feel it. Exercise does wonders to mind and body. I have been eating healthy, but not exercising and feeling tired for no reason. I told myself that I just can't wait to feel motivated. I have to get out there and push myself, do my best. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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