annie24 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 can you go write in the library? i kept my door closed, people knew i was thesis writing and not to interrupt me unless it was urgent. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted March 22, 2011 Share Posted March 22, 2011 As Annie said, close your door, leave a note on it saying that you are writing on your thesis and that you only want to be disrupted for urgent matters; reduce your email checking/answering to specific times (first thing in the morning, during lunch time, for afternoon break and in the evening); wear noise reducing headphones - and otherwise it's really a question of training yourself not to be affected by an interruption (I know easier said than done), be it noise or people's behavior. Or of it is really impossible for you to get substantial writing done at the lab, change your schedule: come in really early for writing (I assume you are preferring to write in the lab rather than home?), so that you get a few hours done; then schedule all the things that are not writing related during those hours were people usually need something from you (colleagues, the thesis process admin etc), in that time also get your shopping and all the things that you logistically need to do everyday to keep going; then when things get less busy at the lab, start writing again for a block of time. I meant to ask you for a long time: are you still doing the MoodGym? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Penny and Annie, thank you for your suggestions. Yes, I prefer to go to lab to write up because of many personal and professional reasons. - It makes me get into productive mindset since I'm at "workplace" - I use different software for statistics, references, graphs, etc. They are not available on home computer. - Yes, going to library is possible, but I have several big folders with reference papers, data, and its uneasy for me to carry them every single day back and forth. - I can't close my door since my room connects to the big lab. I try to keep it closed as much as possible during before and after hours, but not during business hours. I'm also working on 2nd paper and poster presentation alongside. Something that I can definitely do is keep writing reserved for early and after hours, use noise canceling headphones. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I understand, I wrote mainly in lab because of all the software. And I also wrote using 2 computers, lol. One for graphics stuff, one for text. I also use my ipod to cancel out noise. I don't get distracted listening to music. hugs!!! I am rooting for you!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Thank you Annie. I really appreciate the support I get here. I now understand why writing is such a lonely phase. I can't tell you how badly I want to be done. I need a break from all this madness. Yesterday I wanted to go somewhere just to relax and unwind. I live on campus and I feel like I can't really ever get away from school. Its strange. Gasoline is $4/gal. I can't drive and go anywhere. My stipend will stop from June onwards. I am only buying food and not spend a dime extra on unnecessary stuff. I've been attending these career fair, networking events, etc. So I have been spending money on those. I've been traveling back and forth between LA, SD. So, only food and education related stuff. Nothing else. Life of a student is hard. I can't wait to be done. I am hanging in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 23, 2011 Author Share Posted March 23, 2011 Responding to Poochie's thread brought back old hurts to surface. Couldn't sleep well last night. Now up, feel like a zombie. Its cold out there. Recently a guy got in touch with me. His parents thought that we both are fit for each other because of our family backgrounds, education, and our diet preference (huh! alright.) They probably didn't communicate this to the guy. He kept asking me about where I can possibly get a job, what kinda work I will be likely to get, all in initial email. After that I suggested that I would be open to talking. He called. Asked the same thing. and asked if I'm from a 2nd tier university. You can look that information online, can't you? I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and wondered "When are you going to get past this anger/frustration and reach a stage in your life where what these people think doesn't bother you anymore?" Its such a beautiful morning, so serene... the birds in the tree outside my room are still asleep, but it won't be long before they wake up and start chirping again." I opened the blinds and saw that the girl in the room in the west wing was still studying. Bravo! she motivates me! I went to check on the mail, saw the housekeeper ladies kneeling down and praying before they started their workday. What a beautiful way to start your day! Why am I waking up angry/frustrated? What a bad way to start my day! Haven't I turned anyone down before? Was it out of malice in heart? It will all work out. It really will. I need to look at God to satisfy my needs and not men. He has a way and timing in which things will come to pass. If they don't, something else will happen. He will give me grace to live life well. Its a beautiful day. Dont' start it with rotten thoughts and anger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 I can't wait to be done. It's all in your power! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 23, 2011 Share Posted March 23, 2011 it's interesting that he mentioned diet preferences, as i know you complained previously about not wanting to live with a man who cooked meat. so maybe it's a better match? though i know it's annoying when the interactions are less like 'dating' and more like reading a US News Report on Grad schools in the us. sigh. it's good that you can see the positive things like the birds and the women praying. keep pushing!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mya Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Hi Tinu, Keep pushing through. I can kind of relate because I was writing up my comps and am now writing up my proposal. It is really hard to stay motivated and focused! I can't imagine what it would be like in the dissertation writing phase. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 I can't imagine what it would be like in the dissertation writing phase. When I set my defense date and had to sit down and really write, it felt like I was about to get on a roller coaster or a really steep water park ride. if that makes any sense. i knew, once i got the ball rolling, there was no stopping it. it's scary and goes fast, but i had to 'ride it out to the end.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Thats right. No matter what it feels like, you just have to ride it out to the end. You know Annie, I don't have a problem with what a man wants from his wife. But don't ask me same Q over n over. I explained in detail about my job possibilities to this man in email. Then he calls and asks me the same damn Q. What the hell? and asks me if I'm from a 2nd tier institution? This man by the went to univ of Arkansas. Last time I checked Arkansas wasn't well known for anything. Tell me how to not get angry. On a positive note, I'm glad that it ended with 1 phone call and 1 email. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 So there have been a few positive things happening. - I have a graduation photo session scheduled tomorrow. Asked around what exactly it involved and if I could miss it. Turns out its better if I don't. So I will have to show up. I had not scheduled to wash my hair and straighten it, but thats added on. Trying to practice make up so I look decent. - Emailed the board of pharmacy. They emailed back in a week. Thats record time for this BOP. Honestly, I mean it. Well, that aside, they said that if I cancel my exams I won't lose any attempts. I really am thrilled to know that. So, I will be canceling my exams now. - Attending some networking seminars tomorrow. One of those is free. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Penny, I wasn't doing moodgym for a while. Completely forgot about that. Got back into starting it. It helps a lot. Keeps my thought process in check. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 I think I want to open an account on EH again and look for non-Indian men. Not now, but the evening of my defense. I think I should do that. As long as I'm in the US, I think I should give it a shot. I have a strong feeling in my heart that I'm getting myself into a bad situation with these men that want to match horoscopes, look for a SW engineer girl and get married and have kids. Its not about my not being SW engineer. I find that just the whole attitude towards life in general is so business-like. I'm more of an introspective person, a thinker. How am I going to get along with one of these men I met in arranged market? Yesterday a guy emailed me "You will be a perfect wife for me." Already? We have emailed each other a few times. We haven't even seen each other. I wish I wish... I was a US citizen/permanent resident. I would be more comfortable dating in western market than going the arranged marriage route. In this culture, men n women get married late (ofcourse I'm talking about the educated ones). In Indian culture (no matter where they are located), if you cross a certain age, you better start striking some must haves on your list or you will get old n crust and definitely end up alone. My mom recently told me though that the trend in India is changing rapidly. She knows some women that have BFs/live-in arrangements and they don't care to get married. They are happy. I can bet that these are not middle-class women. They are probably really high-class. We have choices and sometimes its so difficult to steer our way through options, really know ourselves and then do whats best for us in the long-run. I used to think that the reason why I'm having a difficult time with self-discovery is because I come from a south-Asian middle-class family. You are expected to take the road many many have traveled on before. Life is set then. I repeatedly ask myself "Will you regret having kids for the sake of getting companionship?" I'm afraid my answer has consistently been a yes. It doesn't seem to change. Yet I go the same route again. Isn't that the self-sabotaging behavior? I will probably regret the road not taken, life that will be unlived... a life of fun, relaxing, adventure, travel and no responsibility. I have always followed my heart and mostly have paid attention to strong desires that are persistent. But now I don't recognize the person I've become. I'm following the route that my fears are showing me and I'm trying to tell myself that I shouldn't pay attention to this voice in my head. I'm trying to quiet it down. I'm telling myself that it will all be okay if I end up marrying and having a child because my husband wants it. May be it would be okay for someone else, but knowing my personality... I'm not sure I'll be okay with this. I wish I wish I was either here or there... completely. I'm in the middle and that's frustrating, confusing, painful, and scary at times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted March 24, 2011 Share Posted March 24, 2011 Tinu, please limit your time thinking about your marital status for now. There will be plenty of time once you have submitted and defended your thesis. At the moment every minute in your day is precious and every minute that you don't spend on working towards your finishing line should be spend on the essential of keeping you going and motivated. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 Yes Penny. True. I know. I had to write it get it out of my system or else I keep thinking about it for longer and it takes me more efforts to focus on the task. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 24, 2011 Author Share Posted March 24, 2011 So today I attended the networking/career seminar. Had a busy morning already. Went to get my photo taken. Put on all make up and forgot to wear a lipstick or even a simple lipgloss. I don't know how my photo came out. They were rushing everyone. I didn't get to check myself in the mirror one last time before they clicked. I hope I looked okay. But hey my eyeshadow looked great. I'm glad it came out so well. Interestingly today someone called me. The girl that I hired for some technical activities had given my reference to recruiters and I didn't even know that. But I spoke very highly about her. Then called her after and told her what I shared with the lady who called me. She was thankful. I told her that she should give me heads up next time she gives my reference and I'll be happy to talk to employers. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 I will probably regret the road not taken, life that will be unlived... a life of fun, relaxing, adventure, travel and no responsibility. Kids or no kids, I don't think many people have lives like that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Kids or no kids, I don't think many people have lives like that... Interesting. Why do you say so? If I don't have kids, I wont have responsibility. I can come home and relax. I will have weekends for myself. I wont have to provide for kids, worry about their education, social life, this n that. With extra money that I would have, I would cherish hobbies, travel and have fun. Don't you think thats possible? What am I gonna spend my time and money on? I think I'll be very happy. I will have lots of time and hopefully decent amount of money. I can spend it all on myself and my husband, being together, having fun. Don't you think so? Am I kidding myself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 Venting... nothing major... The day has just begun and I'm already getting frustrated. I came home just to cry. I'm leaving for a conference in a week. I've already paid for travel and stay on expedia and now the secretary is out on sick leave indefinitely. I have no clue how I'm going to pay off my credit card. The main secretary says "well C is handling the matter. She is on sick leave. I can't take care of this." How am I supposed to pay this huge amount off? You promised me pre-travel payment. Last night that stupid poster printing service charged me $25 extra and they didn't even give me the size I wanted. Hang in there. Hang in there. Its gonnabe okay. Its all gonna be over. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 are you on track with your writing and all? sorry about the conference costs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batya33 Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Interesting. Why do you say so? If I don't have kids, I wont have responsibility. I can come home and relax. I will have weekends for myself. I wont have to provide for kids, worry about their education, social life, this n that. With extra money that I would have, I would cherish hobbies, travel and have fun. Don't you think thats possible? What am I gonna spend my time and money on? I think I'll be very happy. I will have lots of time and hopefully decent amount of money. I can spend it all on myself and my husband, being together, having fun. Don't you think so? Am I kidding myself? I felt I had tremendous responsibility before I was a full-time mom -I worked nights very often and weekends and had to be available 24/7 by phone/blackberry -sure I could have chosen a less stressful career/job but it afforded me the opprortunity to have a nice nest egg now and no financial worries as far as being a full time mom. Hobbies-travel-fun -so, I know you are a full time student and work extremely hard but what hobbies are you passionate about now? What specific places do you plan to travel and what do you do for fun that would not be possible if you had a child? Are you the type of person who is more a spender than a saver now -since you said you want to spend lots of money on yourself and your husband? You are right -having a child interferes with planning and can be very inconvenient. I rarely go out at night - maybe once every few months as compared to 3-5times/week before tha, if it's raining out I can end up stuck inside where before all I needed was an umbrella and there are weeks where I have no baby-free time during the day where I can go outside without the baby -I think I've had one our in the last two-three weeks. But -fun/adventure -tons!! I spend most of my day laughing at him or with him, exploring the great outdoors through the eyes of a 2-year old (can be boring, utterly fascinating, everything in between -like most experiences). He learns new things every day and I am often awestruck by it. So it's all a matter of perspective. And what happens if your husband's idea of fun/travel/adventure changes after you marry or is not compatible with yours? Please understand I am not advocating being a mom much less a full time mom but I have seen people have these grand plans of what they will do with all the freedom/money that a child-free lifestyle can hypothetically afford but not really dig deep to ask whether they'll really do any of those things and whether it is worth the downside. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 are you on track with your writing and all? sorry about the conference costs. Yes, I mostly am. This week from Mon-Fri I was working on my poster and that consumed most of my time. But other than that... yes, I'm pushing on. Conference cost... No clue how I'm going to pay that credit card off. Its huge expense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted March 25, 2011 Author Share Posted March 25, 2011 I know you are a full time student and work extremely hard but what hobbies are you passionate about now? What specific places do you plan to travel and what do you do for fun that would not be possible if you had a child? Are you the type of person who is more a spender than a saver now -since you said you want to spend lots of money on yourself and your husband? Thanks for your reply. I'm passionate about... drawing, painting, dancing, volunteering, knitting, really want to travel.. have traveled and seen my country. didn't travel much here because of lack of money and time, but whenever possible I try to squeeze in some traveling in my budget. love learning about different cultures, cuisine, art, history, architecture. I was raised entirely by my mom. When you mention about exploring with your child, my mind went back to my childhood years when my mom would take me to see simple and silly things... train station, sit in grass, explore bugs. She couldn't finish law school because of me. Made tons of sacrifices to make sure I was raised well. There was tension in my parents' marriage. Dad wouldn't contribute financially and was physically away for the most part until my grade 12 or so. Mom would lock me in home at night sometimes to teach extra classes to make money. I appreciate all that. I have no words to express gratitude. But my mom had no life of her own. She was just like a single mom, but officially married. She never says bad things about how she could have lived her life and could have had fun if she didn't have my responsibility. But I can't imagine doing all that for my child and not be bitter. Don't get me wrong. I understand that this needs to be done. I understand that this is necessary for a child's emotional well-being and all. Honestly, I would rather invest my time in myself. I'm a saver and a spender. What I mean by that is I spend on things that I enjoy. I spend on furthering my education, art supplies, travel. But will not eat out, shop, spend on clothes, shoes, bags, make-up. That is how I avoided getting into debt. I'm always looking for bargains. In pharmacy school, I would save up money by eating the food that my landlord cooked and I would buy an extra book instead of asking parents for money. Then when I got a job, I still didn't spend, saved the money, paid for GRE and all applications, purchased air ticket, came here. Here, I again saved and paid for pharmacy exams, books, car, everything. Now trying to save up to take a certificate course. The point is I've let small joys go because of not having enough money of my own. I have been living like a church mouse for last 7 years here. I dont' want to live like that for the rest of my life. I want to be able to do what I want to do. Even when I buy make up here, I buy ELF products because they are very affordable, yet decent products. I can't even buy covergirl cosmetics because I'm trying to save up for that certificate course. And its not all just about spending. Its about being responsible for someone else's life. I am tired of studying. I dont' want to be involved in my kid's homework. I would rather watch animal channel or try a new recipe or go to knitting club or watch TV. Sometimes enjoyment and relaxation to me means simply doing nothing. Yes I've worked night shifts, I have been an on-call pharmacist. Did all that. I don't regret it. I needed money. Now, I just have no motivation to do it all over again. I've written about this before. I feel like I'm running on a treadmill of life. First, try to establish yourself. Then keep working so you can pay off your education, your house, your car, your cell phone, your toilet paper. Then oh... wait here comes a kid, keep running harder. Who is going to pay for the kid's school? You can't rely on your husband. If he chips in... great. If he doesn't you can't cut ties with your kid and see him suffer through life because of your laziness or wrong choices. Please understand I am not advocating being a mom much less a full time mom but I have seen people have these grand plans of what they will do with all the freedom/money that a child-free lifestyle can hypothetically afford but not really dig deep to ask whether they'll really do any of those things and whether it is worth the downside. Being a mom is a full-time thing. Until you die. Sure, you may go to work, leave your child at a day-care or whatever, but you don't stop being a mom during that time. But I understand what you mean by a "full-time mom". Don't misunderstand. I respect moms like you, my mom and all other moms who put their kids first, plan and work hard to be a good mom and also provide for their kids. Thats great. I understand what it means to be a good mom and what kinda involvement is needed to be a good mom. If I happen to have a baby, I'll have to strive to be a good mom, because it affects your child if you are lazy or dont' care about his development. I'm just not sure that I'll enjoy it. I may suck it up and do it, but I'm really doubtful that I'll enjoy it. So far I'm used to getting up and doing what I want to do, going where I want to go. I like that freedom. I would feel bad to leave a child and go shopping. I would feel bad to be with my child and miss out on shopping as well. What do I do then? I'm not a celebrity. I don't make millions of dollars to hire a full time nanny for my kids. I will have to raise my kids then. If I'm lucky my husband may help me. I am not someone who counts on men. I watched how my dad didn't care to contribute to marriage or to his child's welfare. I dont' count on men. If I have a child, I better be strong to support the child. I'm not sure I can handle it without thinking "I would rather be partying/traveling/shopping right now." Sorry if I have rambled. The bottom line is I feel there is so much more that I want from my life and having a kid will put so many restrictions and limitations on me to go ahead and live life the way I want. Its not bad, its just something that I'm not ready for. I studied my butt off, missed all the fun and partying and carefree living, was constantly under pressure. Now its the same story again, but for a different reason... your child. When am I going to have fun? I can't have a child and then think about all the fun I am missing. Thats not right for the child. I would rather be a good mom, be satisfied that I did my best than have my child point finger at me and say "you did this to me. You put your personal happiness before my well-being, development." I dont' want that either. So what do I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pkittie Posted March 25, 2011 Share Posted March 25, 2011 Tinu, my dear PLEASE focus on your Phd for now...Kids will come when you have a man in your life...As far as I can see, your goal is to get the degree under your belt. You are absolutely right about the marriage market. I was nearing 30 when I started my search, I will be turning 36 in a month. The only guarantee you have in life is your career & financial security. The world is changing at large & no matter how much we crib, we have to deal with what's on our plate for now. My acquaintance got divorced at age 40 with 2 twin boys after 10 yrs of marriage. Now what would you say? She's happy & enjoying life becoz of financial security & her stable job. That is the sad reality of life. On one hand you want Brahmin, never been married Indian boy & on the other hand you want the whole "love me for who I am" sorta guy. First decide in your mind, then proceed. I'm on EH also & no miracles happen in life, just that you have to try all avenues. You never know what might work out...Tinu, I understand & feel your concerns about getting married. But please stay strong & don't let your focus dwindle...You are a VERY strong gal with rock solid values. Don't undermine yourself & stay the path! Hugs!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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