Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

"Injustice and confront are strong words, and I'd skip that drama. There was someone else in the house who didn't go, so it wasn't an 'all house' outing--just some guys who opted to go somewhere. They kept it simple instead of extending invitations to more people and making it complicated. Everyone is entitled to do that.

 

If you've ever just wanted to slip on your shoes and go somewhere, you might ask the person in the next room to join you, or not. If someone phones to invite you, then you're less likely to extend that outing to the next person (it's not your invitation to extend). It's not about them, it's about your own focus at the time. An implied need to include everyone around you before you can do something simple is paralyzing--so don't impose those terms on anyone.

 

If you seek injury, you'll find it in just about anything. Don't do that. It's bad for your head, and it's not a good way to build relationships. Obligation isn't inspiring--so don't become one of those.

 

Head high."

Catfeeder

[LAYAAN]

Yes, today I finally gathered courage and read in detail the standards of a proper thesis as per our university's regulations. I should have done this sooner. I took people's word for it "Oh, dont' worry just cut and past your paper 1 as 2nd chapter, and paper 2 as 3rd chapter. So, really all you have to do is work on your intro and discussion i.e. just 2 chapters." NONONONONO. No its not that simple. These people made it look oversimplified. I read the details of the thesis today. Nowhere it says you are allowed to copy paste your publications. Well, may be content can be copy-pasted but it still has to be in a format that the University has set up. I am overwhelmed today. But its good that I'm overwhelmed today than pulling my hair out by April end. I will have to burn midnight oil and really keep my nose to the grindstone and get the work done by a certain time.

The person in charge of all theses said clearly in the email. "Please understand that I'm the only person approved to work on this, so you have to get started early and finish up early otherwise you will be stuck in long lines and can't defend your thesis in right time." I really have to work my butt off. I was kidding myself. I was taking it easy. I can't do that anymore. I really have to set up a certain time, days in my calendar and get this work done.

This is getting ridiculous by each minute. So, this person said not to send him the work unless the boss approves it. My boss has 2 students graduating this year so he will be overwhelmed. So, basically I have to 1) allow some time for my boss to read and edit 2) allow this guy to read and edit 3) allow time for printing and 4) allow time for issues.

 

So, basically, I have to start today. This is how it should go -

6-12 March 1st chapter) intro

13-19 March 2nd chapter) 1st paper

20-26 March 3rd chapter) 2nd paper

27-31 March 4th chapter) discussion, conclusions, future direction

March end I have to finish working on this thesis from my side.

April 1st week give my committee the copy to work on.

April 3rd week Hopefully all editions are complete and I can submit the work to this University-appointed guy

April 3rd week I can finalize my thesis defense date once my boss gives me green light

May 1st week hopefully he gives me green light to go ahead and get the work printed. (He said I can't print without his official email)

May 2nd week Get the work printed and give it to the committee

May 3rd week defend my thesis and get the final form signed

End of May 4th week attend the graduation ceremony.

This is cutting it too close. I'm not sure I can make it. I have to though. I have to.

[LAYAAN]

Start Date End Date Activity

6-Mar-11 11-Mar-11 work on 1st chapter) intro

11-Mar-11 submit 1st chapter to boss for review

13-Mar-11 18-Mar-11 work on 2nd chapter) 1st paper

18-Mar-11 submit 2nd chapter to boss for review

20-Mar-11 25-Mar-11 work on 3rd chapter) 2nd paper

25-Mar-11 submit 3rd chapter to boss for review

27-Mar-11 1-Apr-11 work on 4th chapter) discussion, conclusions, future direction

1-Apr-11 submit 4th chapter to boss for review

1-Apr-11 I have to finish working on this thesis from my side.

1-Apr-11 Submit my thesis to my committee (not sure if this step is required)/only my boss so they/he can edit it

1-Apr-11 16-Apr-11 Committee/my boss finishes editing my thesis

17-Apr-11 All editions are complete from my side and my boss's side and I can submit the work to the University-appointed guy, RC

17-Apr-11 I finalize my thesis defense date once my boss gives me green light (all content editions are complete)

17-Apr-11 I will send the soft copy to my committee so they can read it.

17-Apr-11 30-Apr-11 RC takes his time to edit my thesis

1-May-11 RC gives me green light to get the thesis printed.

1-May-11 7-May-11 Thesis printing time

8-May-11 I get the final thesis copies (3)

15-May-11 20-May-11 I defend my thesis and get the final form signed

27-May-11 29-May-11 Attend the graduation ceremony

[annie24]

something that my university has, i don't know if yours does, but there was a time slot where you could take between 8-10 pages of your thesis to be checked for proper formatting. of course you can't literally take your chapter from the journal and put it into your dissertation. it needs to be a certain formatting, etc... for example, on one page, i would have "Chapter Two: xxxxxxxxxxx" and below that "Originally published in the Journal for xxxxxx, May 2010" or whatever. then the next page, the abstract. each time i started a new section, i started a new page.

 

it also might be helpful to look at theses of students that your adviser thinks did a good job. check their formatting and stuff as well.

[LAYAAN]

I can give chapters to my boss for editing/review, but the University-appointed guy has clearly mentioned in his email that he will not look at the work unless our bosses approve it. It will be a good idea to ask him though if he will work with chapters that my boss has finished editing. He thinks its a waste of his time to format/edit something that the boss will edit (content-wise) again. So, we are stuck. My other committee members are also this way. They will not look at uncompleted work.

[annie24]

I think that the point of my university having that "pre-check" is not for content, but for overall layout. especially when it came to tables, graphs, maps, etc.... make sure that it abides by university standards. it was helpful to me. if he will not do that for you, then look at theses from previous students in recent years and see how they look.

[marshmlofluff]

This is cutting it too close. I'm not sure I can make it. I have to though. I have to.

 

Is it a big deal if you slide a little past and if your formal graduation is next semester even though your thesis is defended? That's what happened to me. By the time I "graduated" I was long gone from grad school and well into a postdoc.

[annie24]

Yes, another option is that you "walk" spring semester 2011, but that you defend your dissertation this summer. I have a friend who walked with me in December 2010, but she still hasn't defended her dissertation. She will soon though.

 

LOL. I know a guy who "walked" last year and still hasn't defended his dissertation.

 

At my university, we have a "grace period" after one semester starts but another begins. You have about 2 weeks where you can still defend your dissertation, and not have to pay tuition for that semester. but then your degree is listed as a later degree.

 

in any case, none of it matters, as long as you finish. whether it's may or june or july doesn't matter.

[LAYAAN]

Is it a big deal if you slide a little past and if your formal graduation is next semester even though your thesis is defended? That's what happened to me. By the time I "graduated" I was long gone from grad school and well into a postdoc.

good Q. Thats what I'm thinking. I dont have anything lined up. Should I push for May graduation? Especially when my prof wants me to get the 2nd paper accepted. May be I can graduate in Sept. But my stipend ends in June. So, I dont know what to do. I have a formal proposal defense scheduled in a week. I guess much will be clear then.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, another option is that you "walk" spring semester 2011, but that you defend your dissertation this summer. I have a friend who walked with me in December 2010, but she still hasn't defended her dissertation. She will soon though.

 

in any case, none of it matters, as long as you finish. whether it's may or june or july doesn't matter.

I agree. But my University is kinda strange in that way. As far as my information goes, you can't walk unless your final form is submitted. You can't submit your final form unless you defend your thesis. Also to walk in May 2011, you have to submit your form by May 20. But I will enquire about this.

[LAYAAN]

May I know why Annie and Marsh are suggesting that its okay to graduate in say July, Aug etc. if I cant' make it by May 2011? Is it because you think its not doable? You can be honest. I will appreciate it. Thank you.

[annie24]

I don't know - obviously, i don't know where you are in your work, how much editing is needed, etc.... just work as hard as you can. all i'm saying: 1 - you can do it if you put your mind to it and stay on track, and 2 - if you don't hit the May 20th deadline or whatever, don't panic, just finish in June or July. it's not a big deal as long as you finish.

[marshmlofluff]

May I know why Annie and Marsh are suggesting that its okay to graduate in say July, Aug etc. if I cant' make it by May 2011? Is it because you think its not doable? You can be honest. I will appreciate it. Thank you.

 

No--I confess I actually didn't read your timeline.

 

I just said what I did because you seemed terribly stressed about meeting your deadline, but the worst possible thing that could happen (that your defense might slide a few weeks past the deadline) didn't seem particularly bad--especially since I myself did that. I was supposed to graduate in June, and I ended up graduating at the beginning of September. It wasn't a big deal. I wasn't paid for the last couple of weeks--that was annoying--but my postdoc started soon after.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie and Marsh. Yes what you have written makes sense.

[LAYAAN]

Venting... venting...

hate this arranged marriage BS, madness, nonsense.

 

this idiot. Said very clearly in his profile "dont care to match horoscopes." Called me.

Him "What is your birth sign as per Indian horoscope system?"

Me "Umm... I'm not sure I even know it."

Him "Really? Can you please look it up?"

Me "Okay... give me a minute." Looked up told him what it is.

Him "How much do you trust this matching horoscopes?"

Me "I have no opinion on it. If you want my horoscope, I can provide it."

Him "No opinion? Do you trust it?"

Me "I'm really not sure what to say about this system. I really have no opinion on it. It works for some, doesn't work for others. Nothing is fool-proof."

There is sound of ruffling pages from the other (his) side.

Him "hmm... okay... have you seen this theater play about different birth signs and personality traits?"

Me "No."

Him "its very interesting."

Me "I'm sure it must be entertaining."

Him "There is a belief that one never gets along with a person in the 6th house birth sign from your birth sign."

Me "I've never heard of this. I'm sure its interesting to watch peoples' behavior patterns and try to put them in a box and come up with conclusions, but in real life the only choice you really have is who you marry. e.g. according to what you just mentioned about the 6th birth sign or whatever... if that turns out to be your boss, what will you do? Will you change jobs? Its difficult."

Him "Yes, but it gives you heads up to be prepared."

Me "May be, I would rather try to see the best in each person and do my best rather than building up walls about someone without even giving them a chance to prove them right or wrong. I dont like to go in with a pre-conditioned mind that someone is gonna act this way because they are born under a certain sign. And by the way, have you heard this recent news that the signs are changing and what you believed once may not be your sign anymore?"

Him all this time ruffling pages. Finally takes his own time to continue ruffling more pages. silence on both sides. My patience has already reached.

Him "so you are xyz birth sign. huh! I can't find much information in this book. My sister-in-law told me that I have to ask what a girl's birth sign is before I even go to see her and I should marry someone from compatible birth sign only."

I kept quiet. Mumbled a few words. I dont remember what I said after that. What a waste of my time! what a waste! I hate all this. Please get your sister-in-law involved in this mess then and tell her to make the decisions for you. I have nothing against what people should choose to believe in. I can't control that and I dont want to control that. But why won't you even match the horoscopes before talking to me? Why waste your time and my time? What did you gain by talking to me? What did I gain by talking to you?

[penelope13]

Why are you wasting precious time with this at the moment?

 

Apart from that: you know yourself, that it is normal that family members are involved in this process, that sometimes the parents are writing the profile etc. Don't get upset with the system, you can't invent your own system by picking and choosing only the aspects that you like about the arranged market. Either go with the program, or find a different way to find a husband. Getting upset about the system is not helping you at all, neither for finding a partner, nor for finishing your PhD.

[annie24]

I agree with pen - these are things you can think about 6 weeks from now....

[LAYAAN]

I know I can't change the system. I'm not saying that. This man should have clearly mentioned that this is what he is looking for instead of hiding first then hinting and prodding. He wrote me an email. Not his parents. How long does it take to put a few words in the same matrimonial profile that you need to match horoscopes before you can decide anything else. Everyone saves their time. What did he gain by wasting his time with me? Nothing...

[annie24]

personally, i would take a break from the matrimonial sites until you are finished with your dissertation, at this point, it's just a few more weeks, so you may as well focus and keep your eyes on the prize. this is just causing you unnecessary stress.

[LAYAAN]

I have pulled my profile off the sites. My mom is sending these people my way. I asked her if she could talk to them and screen them before she can pass them on to me. But she doesnt want to do that. I'm stuck with having to talk to them.

[annie24]

tell your mom you are busy the next 6 weeks and not to send you any.

[penelope13]

No, you are not stuck talking to anyone. Yes, you may have to pick up the phone, but then you can explain that you would like to postpone the chat for x amount of weeks because you are in the middle of finishing up your PhD. If they don't understand - then they are not right for you. Since these are guys using the arranged system, they also should understand that your mother made these arrangements, not you.

 

It's time you take full charge of your schedule in respect to finishing up. If you have to be direct to your mother - be direct. Even she will understand that you are busy, just send her your schedule.

 

You have no more wiggle room. The PhD system is tough and challenging even under the best of circumstances. This is not meant to scare you, but to be realistic.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Penny and Annie. I just sent an email to my mom explaining my position. We will see what happens.

[LAYAAN]

Today was much better than yesterday. Didn't sleep well at night, woke up in the middle of night. Sat down, got some pharmacy exam studying done.

Went to school. Worked on my presentation for Monday.

I dont know what is it in me that wants to advance, yet feels scared to, wants to get lazy and not put in efforts. Tomorrow it will be a week since I have been to the career fair @ SD. I followed with and added many people in my professional network the next day. So, I was at least good with that. But I met some senior professionals and they told me to do certain things. I didn't do those. Why? I get scared, I start panicking. I feel "What's the point? Am I going to get the job?"

I prayed this morning. Wrote in my prayer journal "God, give me ability, courage, wisdom to get up every day and do the right thing, do what only I can do so you can take over and bless the efforts." Talked to my senior in the evening, made travel arrangements for the upcoming conference.

Finally sat down, prayed and looked into the advice I got at the career fair and followed up with that. What am I afraid of? I don't know. I really don't know. I told myself "You can't be negative. Remember what the guy told you. You have to put in efforts. You will have to push your card. Do your best as long as you are in this country. Noone knows what will happen next, but all you have is today. Be glad that you at least got career advice. Many people don't even get that. Who knows? Something might work out. Miracles do happen. If you really want into break into this field, you will have to push yourself. You can't be lazy and hope things will fall in right place. Don't wait to feel motivated. Just do it. You must do your part."

So, finally I got around to doing what needs to be done. Feels good, I feel less anxious now.

 

Something happened again related to the arranged marriage thing. I sat down and wrote in my prayer journal "I will not dwell on this. I'll not get mad about this. I will not look into why someone did this to me. I will let this go. I will stay focused." I deleted the email and made a conscious decision to get out of my home and do the work that I was supposed to do.

[LAYAAN]

These are flowers in my parents' backyard. I miss home so much. I can't wait to go home.... I miss the food, my parents, the smell of dirt in the garden, the cat... I miss all this. I saw the email with these photos and my eyes watered again... Why am I here? struggling and there is nothing to come home to? nothing called home basically... I never felt like I belonged here.