rocio Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 Love really is simple. Show that you care. Help out a bit. Yup. Also, I find it extremely insensitive when women stay with a man because that scenario pays better than child support. Even if he doesn't help out around the house, nobody deserves to be used like that. A man works hard to provide for his family and ends up being a meal ticket... By the way, I'm not married to a white guy so I can't comment from the wife's perspective. But I know, as much as my mom raised my brother to help out around the house, his hypothetical future wife is going to get frustrated with him. He won't be on the couch, but he will be out on his quad or snowboarding. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 9, 2011 Author Share Posted February 9, 2011 Yesterday was a hard day. I'm hanging on. I will try my best to make today better. I will do my best. But there are a few good things about yesterday - I finally posted some of the letter that I had to post. Glad that I found parking on campus even during busy hours. Finally got cooking done. So glad that I didn't shop. Glad that I could talk to my friend. Filled out and posted some forms. My books are on their way... so thats a great news. talked to mom. Finally my boss told me that the new additions we are thinking of making don't make sense. Thank you God for not wasting any more time. Yesterday is gone. Today is here. Its another opportunity to study and move forward towards finishing. I will try not to feel lonely today. I will do my best today. I will not worry about past/future. I will only stay focused on today and do my best for today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 I'm scared of weekends. Weekdays are busy enough. Weekends have their own share of trouble. Grocery shopping, cooking, dishes, cleaning, laundry, finances, washing my hair, straightening it, periodical facials, trimming my hair... The day is gone. I have no time to maintain hobbies. I can barely get time to exercise. Is it just me? Do others feel this way too? I told myself that I'll try my best to get all this done in just one day of a weekend. So I have the next entire day for myself. Not easy. When do you relax? I can't imagine how life would change once I have additional stuff to do. I wanted to try making some new dishes at home. But I can find time only to cook up a week of regular, everyday food. I'm wondering if I should eat out every single meal. I have a friend who does that. She only eats oatmeal, some juice, a fruit for breakfast. Lunch and dinner she takes outside. I'm thinking of trying that approach. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 12, 2011 Author Share Posted February 12, 2011 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 15, 2011 Author Share Posted February 15, 2011 I'm hanging in there. Yesterday was difficult. I hate my boss. I want out so bad. I can't even tell you. I just want to be done and be gone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 16, 2011 Author Share Posted February 16, 2011 hanging on... not really feeling well... pressing on... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 16, 2011 Share Posted February 16, 2011 honestly - it sounds like there are some fundamental differences between you two and i'd be worried that he refers to himself as arrogant. where does he live? if it's nearby and it's one coffee, there's not much to lose. who is 35, but hasn't been in a serious relationship ever because he admits that he is arrogant and he asks himself each time "Does this person deserve to be in a relationship with me?" (He said all this on his own. I'm looking for a kind-hearted, caring, down-to-earth man.) this would turn me off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Annie, thank you for your reply. I was contemplating if I should write about the guy or not. I composed a message here and deleted it. I will write more about it. He is not closeby. He is in northern CA. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 I have been talking to this guy. I'm really not sure if I should continue talking to him. - diet habits - he cooks meat. He seems to be a seasoned meat-eater. I am turned off by sight, smell, touch of meat (nothing against meat-eaters, but I just can't stand it). - drinking habits - He drinks on a daily basis. Keeps alcohol in his apartment. Again, I dont have anything against it. My preference would be to be with someone who eats & drinks only socially and nothing more than that. I'm not comfortable being around meat & alcohol. - relationship - he is 35, but hasn't been in a serious relationship ever because he admits "Oh, I think I'm just arrogant. I ask myself each time "Does this person deserve to be in a relationship with me? I have been told that my standards are very high." He said that he has only been in a 6 month relationship so far and that was only an experimental relationship. It was an effort. I didn't ask further details. He said all this on his own. I'm looking for a kind-hearted, caring, down-to-earth man. - religion - He is an atheist. He believes that he is the only one he can really rely on and there really is no God entity. I'm not super religious, but I believe that faith in some form of higher being keeps a person grounded, balanced, calls each one of us to be better human beings. I'm willing to let religion thing go, but I hope he doesn't oppose me when it comes to my religious practices. Also, I'm not interested in arguing with someone on a daily basis about how nonsensical it is to pray to God that is non-existent. Not suggesting that it will happen, but he came out quite strong in his beliefs about this all being absurd. I didnt' say a word. I only explained where I stand on this matter. - other - he has already told me that he is not sure about kids. He finds kids annoying. He asked me if a relationship had to develop between us, if I would be open to adopting? I said yes, sure. He wants to date and kinda play it by ear which I'm okay with. As long as I'm not letting others go, I'm willing to take things easy. He thinks that similarity between partners is boring. He wants someone who will be complimentary to his nature. I can understand the complimentary part, but people marry based on similarities and such marriages are generally more stable. When it comes to marriage, I would prefer similarity and not major differences. Should I even bother to continue talking? He wants to meet up. I'm busy and I'm not interested in paying for anyone's hotel and the relationship doesn't go anywhere. I'm not sure if this will become a relationship. I'm really looking in terms of getting married and I'm not interested in being in another relationship that doesn't go anywhere. My mom keeps telling me that this guy is too different and "when it comes to marriage, play on familiar turf." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 it sounds like to me, that you would not enjoy living with this man. i wonder - is he looking to get married? i'd ask him, maybe in general, what he is looking for from a wife/partner - what is his vision of the future? i see he touched on that with the kids question but i would find out more. i agree with your mother that similarities are important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 Annie, surprisingly, he is in the matrimonial market. When I told him what my version of dating is he agreed and said that he is not looking to continue dating for 2-3 years. He never used the word marriage though. He also said that they have started looking only since Oct 2010. He said that he doesnt' have a deadline by which he wants to see himself get married. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 What do you actually like about this guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rocio Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 What do you actually like about this guy? This was going to be my question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 17, 2011 Author Share Posted February 17, 2011 What do you actually like about this guy? All this information wasn't available in his profile. I could know all this only after talking to him. Now that we have talked a few times... I'm wondering if I should meet him. What do I actually like about him? He hasn't put me down (yet) like most men in arranged marriage do. He is okay with my profession, possible salary etc. He calls regularly. He calls himself arrogant, but our interaction has been decent so far. He is interested in meeting me so I'm wondering if I should go ahead and meet up or not. He is also good looking. And the honest answer is - I'm trying my best to not turn down a man without giving him/myself a chance. I've said this before, I'll say it again... my age has significantly reduced my choice. This guy is serious (he said that), won't force me to have kids right away... I like that. But I'm battling with myself because I've never lived with someone who cooks meat, drinks every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted February 17, 2011 Share Posted February 17, 2011 What do you talk about during these calls. I am still a bit unclear what you find positive about him. Simply because he is a man and has some manners surely shouldn't be enough to qualify for marriage? You don't have to give everyone a chance, if you already know beforehand that you have nothing in common with this person. Personally I wouldn't disregard someone because they have different eating habits, but I don't know how strong your aversion is to having meat in the same fridge as yours. What is it you are concerned about it: the smell, that you have to cook 2 separate dishes? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 18, 2011 Author Share Posted February 18, 2011 I'm raised vegetarian. I lived with roommates that ate meat, but they brought it pre-cooked. Yes, I'm concerned about smell, touching left-overs (meat, bones). My previous roommate did that. I dont like it. And yes, I wont cook meat. The guy has to eat meat. That means we will have to cook 2 separate dishes. Its not going to be comfortable unless he is willing to cook for me or I suck it up and learn to cook meat. I actually went ahead and talked to some of my friends who are vegetarians, and are married to meat-eaters. But most of them are okay with cooking meat. Only 1 doesnt cook, but her husband doesn't mind eating all vegetarian food for dinner everyday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 not sure if I'll graduate with a PhD... not sure if I'll graduate with a PhD this year.... My boss is playing games with me. I'm having a hard day today. I just want to pack up my bags and go back home. Its not worth it. All the emotional ups and downs. All the stress. So basically a committee member told me "I understand that your work relationship with your boss is stressful. But if you get the 1st paper out, I will talk to him. Now go back and work on that paper." This was in May 2009. Alright, my grace of God that paper is now accepted and published. I should be on my way out, right? Wrong. My boss is giving me mixed messages. "I will be more comfortable if your 2nd paper is accepted." I looked him in the eye and said "1 paper accepted, another 1 submitted is the requirement for a PhD. I know at least 4 graduate students, 1 from my department who recently graduated with only 1 paper." No logical answer was given to me. I went to the same committee member again. He is actually on a much higher position and really has a power to turn things around. Now he said "Oh, if you dont have even a middle-author paper, thats going to be challenging. I can see where your boss is coming from. Your 2nd form (out of 3forms) is submitted, I wouldn't panic yet. Get the paper submitted." I dont know if my boss was in bad mood today or what. I'm so tired of seeing his face. I cant tell you. He just gets cranky. I told him that this papers needs to get out by the end of this month if we want this to be given back to us in decent time for my graduation. What do you say? He says yes. Now he tells me that my proposal may have some errors. He hasn't even read it. I hate all this process. I just want to get out with a terminal MS and call it a day. Its not worth it. These people literally held me hostage for 1 paper. I mean it. The way they terrorized me is unthinkable. Even after I had accident, I had no rest. Now, they are holding me hostage for 2nd paper. Why am I even going through this madness? I dont want anything ... just peace of mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 hanging on... today seems worse than yesterday... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 Tinu, how is it going with the journaling of positive thoughts and things you did in order to reach your goals? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 its going good. I just wrote something in my journal yesterday after the interaction with my boss. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted February 20, 2011 Share Posted February 20, 2011 great! just concentrate on that and don't take your interactions at work so much to heart Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 Yes, you are right. I told myself that yesterday. Its difficult not to. I may be hypersensitive person. I was trying to look up definition of that. Whatever it is... the point is that I need to hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 I was feeling down about the whole marriage prospect. Interestingly, my friend came online and said if she could talk to me. I was so excited to see her. We became good friends in a dance class we both signed up for. She is newly married now, lives in a different country, has no family in that country. She said to me "I'm telling you. Enjoy your life now. Marriage changes a whole lot of things and sometimes they are not always as rosy as we thought they would be. Single life is much better." I asked her exactly what she thinks has changed after marriage. She said "When I was single, I could do whatever I wanted to do. whatever... now for everything I've to consult my husband. You know that I didn't date my husband. I went to stay with his family for a week, but that was it. I didn't spend much time one-on-one with him. Now I realize that I should have dated him longer. I would have known how he looks at important issues in life. I feel that my husband is not on same page with me. We think differently. We value different things in life. I haven't even settled in my marriage yet. Him and his sister are asking me if I can get a job to support myself. At the same time the pressure to have a baby is increasing. Its chaotic. I told him before that I'm not a career woman. I will be happy to be a stay-at-home mom. Now he has given into the pressure of his sister. They both want me to get a job. I'm telling you discuss important things BEFORE you tie the knot. Not after." I hope my friend will be okay. She got married late. There really is no point of return. She is all alone in that country with nobody other than her husband and his sister's family. I really hope she is okay. She said she will talk to me again when her husband is not home. I told her not to be afraid and learn to stand up for herself. She said she is not raised to do that. Sure, I know that. It took me 5 years of living in this country to find my voice. I'm afraid of getting people mad at me, but sometimes you have to do that. I think relationships between women are either good or bad. There is nothing in between. I have seen more men get along fine with other men. I wish women were more like men in that aspect. I think women need to learn that from men. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 I appreciate that some women read my journal and are supportive. But I can't stop wondering why men dont read my journal and leave comments? Is it that I talk about girly topics? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 20, 2011 Author Share Posted February 20, 2011 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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