LAYAAN Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 I want to be done so bad. My boss wants me to get the 2nd paper accepted. He is not interested in my graduating in May/June. I talked to my mom today. I am so tired. I don't even want to continue if I'm not graduating this year. I have no clue where I"m going to get energy to continue. Everyday I pray to God and ask 2 Qs "What is it that you want me to accomplish today?" "What is it that you want me to learn today?" Each day that I ask this Q... my day gets harder Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 (((HUGS))) What is this second paper? Have you finished collecting the data and writing the paper? It will be better for your CV, for sure, to have 2 first author papers. what kept me going for so long was 'what else would i do? If i dropped out, how would i explain the last 6 years of my life to potential employers?' Some people go to grad school for 1-2 years and then drop out and say it wasn't right for them. but if you are thisclose to graduating, and they say, 'why didn't you just finish up???' what are you going to say? are you on any anti-depressants or anti-anxiety meds? they help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Thanks Annie. Yes, I'm on an anti-depressant pill. Yes, what you say is right. grad school for 7 yrs (in my case)... dropping out after 7 yrs without a PhD seems like nothing when I'm frustrated. But you are right. If I've to really do it, what would I feel once the decision is taken? Also, what does that say about my personality? I have a woman in my committee. Rest all are males. I remember my conversation with her a few years ago. I just wanted to quit. She said "If you want to get a PhD, I would highly recommend that you finish the journey that you have already started. You are not married, you dont' have kids, your parents are not that old (even though they are rapidly getting there), you have no responsibility of any kind at this age. PhD requires commitment. Its hard to be dedicated if you are married, are not making any money, are going through stressful PhD and have a family to feed and a spouse that you have to answer to at home including bosses at school. I know how you feel. I have been in your shoes. Single woman in my graduate program working under a difficult boss. But let me assure you, once your paper gets accepted, this situation will change. I remember in my case, my outlook towards whole life changed so positively once my paper was accepted. Trust that it will happen with you too." So I'm hanging by those words. Yes, I'm in the writing stage of 2nd paper, data is analyzed, tables, figures are ready. In fact 50% paper is ready which is the reason why quitting at this stage is not a very bad decision. I always told myself "If you can get another 1st author paper then thats what you should aim for." The lady from my committee also told me "You should be able to work with different personalities. Keep your goal in mind. Work with your boss and get a paper out. You have done the work. Don't let the relationship with you boss keep you from achieving your goal. He wants a paper. You want a paper. You both should work towards getting one out. If he says something... let it go if you can. Keep your eyes on the goal, the big picture." I've been working with him for last 7 years and my limit is being pushed everyday. A little respect, a little sympathy would definitely help instead of acting out every single instance. I dont' want to live afraid of interacting with him everyday. But I know that its sometimes too much to ask for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 I think this is something that should be very basic, but is worth repeating over and over again: do not focus on the things that you can't control, but identify what you can control and go with that! You can't change your boss, however you can control your part in the process of getting out your 2nd paper - so focus only on that. Don't expect from him sympathy or respect or whatever, because that is not actually his job. Of course it would be nice to have that, but it's not a prerequisite in order for you to succeed. You are so close to finishing. Wasting thoughts on giving up or what you should have done different in the past is not beneficial for you to accomplish your goal: to get out of there as soon as possible. You sincerely cannot say that you are alone. You keep quoting a lot of excellent advice from a number of people and resources, you just have to give yourself the push (again and again if necessary) to follow through with some of it. I would try the following: every day ask yourself "what did I do today to stop myself from focusing on the negative things in my life" - and record it. Also record: "what did I do today in order to get closer to my immediate/ longterm goals". This will hopefully help you in slowly reprogramming your brain to focus on the positive aspects rather than wallowing on the negative. Yes, there are many things currently in your life that are not optimal, that make things difficult, however on thinking about them again and again only reinforces the negative implications and emotional repercussions. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 25, 2011 Share Posted January 25, 2011 Tinu, I don't know if you've seen this yet - but it's sweeping the country - almost 600,000 views in a few days! A parody of lady gaga's "bad romance" - "Bad Project." About the plight of science PhD grad students. very very true. it might cheer you up. For what it's worth, I think every senior grad student and his/her mentor stop getting along in the last year of grad school. Even with advisors known to be good and sane and all of that, the relationship becomes very tense. I've noticed this myself and with many of my friends. it's just a sign the end is near. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 oh my gosh! i can't stop laughing =D>\\ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 Thank you Penny. Yes, I will write those 2 Qs in my journal everyday and yes, answers too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 27, 2011 Author Share Posted January 27, 2011 link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 so I've been doing some research into what can I do to upgrade my slow really old computer. link removed Most likely I'm going to buy some memory for my desktop and that should take care of most of the problems. I'm also looking into buying a smartphone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 28, 2011 Author Share Posted January 28, 2011 Reminder for myself - Stop analyzing every single action, every single word of a man. Take a chill pill. Relax. As long as he hasn't asked you about a significant step towards marriage / you are not closing door to other men / you are not having sex with him... don't worry. Don't get stressed about where this relationship is headed. Wherever its headed... time will make it clear to you. Just be. Don't worry unnecessarily. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself or the guy. You keep your options open and if he wants to be exclusive then you think about it. Until then... please please stop analyzing. Its not good for your mental stability. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted January 29, 2011 Share Posted January 29, 2011 Reminder for myself - Stop analyzing every single action, every single word of a man. Take a chill pill. Relax. As long as he hasn't asked you about a significant step towards marriage / you are not closing door to other men / you are not having sex with him... don't worry. Don't get stressed about where this relationship is headed. Wherever its headed... time will make it clear to you. Just be. Don't worry unnecessarily. Don't put unnecessary pressure on yourself or the guy. You keep your options open and if he wants to be exclusive then you think about it. Until then... please please stop analyzing. Its not good for your mental stability. Tinu, did I miss a post somewhere? Is there a guy? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Marsh, Few men that I've been talking to. I'm getting tired of talking now. One has even started flirting with me which is annoying. I just want to meet up and see if it will go anywhere. Feel stuck. Chicago incidence is still fresh in my mind. I'm afraid to bring up the topic of meeting up on my own, but honestly from my side there is nothing left to talk anymore. When I hint about meeting, (i) the guys either quickly disappear (which is better honestly because it saves everyone time and money) (ii) ask me to drive/fly to meet them because (they say) "I'm not planning on coming here anytime soon" (so its like... you want to meet? you put in the efforts. We don't want to meet you, we don't need to move a finger). I'm tired of talking. My preference has always been to get fundamental &/or important Qs out of way and quickly meet up because historically my 1st meet/date has been my last date. So, I have no intention of delaying the inevitable. About 5 men are currently only talking about weather, history, hobbies, blah blah and it has been going on for a minimum of 3 months. I hate it. I am on the verge of deleting their numbers and telling them to F off if they don't want to take it to the next step. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 Three months is too long to talk to someone without even a hint of meeting. It is possible that they are waiting for a go-ahead from you. So I think you should send the message somehow that you have talked enough that you are interested in a real life meeting. If they ask you to come to them, maybe suggest that you would prefer that the first meeting happen in your hometown, and offer to pick up the expense for their hotel. That seems fair to me, and will prevent them from either shouldering the entire cost of the meeting or running off with your money. If they decline, they probably aren't that serious about you--in which case, good riddance. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 30, 2011 Share Posted January 30, 2011 ^^ i think that is a really good suggestion. it's more than enough time. and yes, offering to pay for the hotel makes it sound like you are genuine and then you don't have to pay for everything either to meet them. good luck tinu Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 30, 2011 Author Share Posted January 30, 2011 Don't read this. I sound unreasonable... I'm venting. See its like... if you are desperate for meeting and we dont' have time (which we may have but we are more comfortable telling you that we dont) to come to LA, why do you insist that we come to your place? Who is more needy here? You. Then you need to put in efforts to come see us. Thats simple logic. I know this sounds bad, but I'm not interested in paying a dime for any man's stay/food/entertainment. Just for their stay in a hotel on Friday and Sat nights (considering that the guy would leave sometime Sunday) its about $150/man I will be dishing out. Cost of food, entertainment, and cost to pick him up and drop him off at the airport is additional burden. I don't have that kinda money and honestly noone ever spent that kinda money to meet me. So, now I'm like why should I bother? Is my need bigger than their need? And if it is then the relationship won't work out anyways. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 link removed It lifts my spirit up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 I'm thinking of taking all authors of our paper and other 2 people in the last author's lab to lunch to celebrate the acceptance of our paper. Good idea or unnecessary? One of the other 2 people in the last author's lab is a grad student who doesn't have a paper yet and is going through divorce. If I ask him to be a part of this celebration, would it be appropriate? I'm not rubbing our success into his face. I have already given Xmas gifts to people who have helped with the paper in some way or the other. So, I'm not planning on inviting them to lunch. Honestly, the other 2 authors have done nothing for the paper. Its really my boss and myself that worked our behind off on the paper. But it would look bad if I don't invite the other 2 authors on the paper as well. So, I'm going to invite them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 link removed link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 31, 2011 Share Posted January 31, 2011 tinu - i don't think you have to invite them for lunch and pay for them. but certainly, you can hold a 'mini-celebration' of the paper being accepted. in my case, i made a cake and we went out and got some drinks. actually, with the entire lab, not just the people on the paper (come to think of it, the other authors didn't make it, lol). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 31, 2011 Author Share Posted January 31, 2011 "The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed and half-closed thereafter." ~ Benjamin Franklin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 1, 2011 Author Share Posted February 1, 2011 interesting statistics link removed link removed ""depression and other forms of mental distress" were a serious problem in a study of more than 3,100 graduate students at the University of California at Berkeley. According to the study: "Nearly half of all survey respondents (45 percent) reported an emotional or stress-related problem that significantly impacted their academic performance or well-being." Another 67 percent reported feeling hopeless at times, 95 percent felt overwhelmed in graduate school, and 54 percent said they had felt so "depressed that it was difficult to function." About 10 percent had seriously considered suicide, and one in 200 had actually attempted suicide in the last year." Do we know why does this happen? Why does graduate school change brain chemicals to such an extent that we can't function normally? I'm going through all this right now. I try to keep it to myself and force myself to stay positive. But its a daily struggle to stay positive... at least for me. I'm so ready to move on and so ready for a change. I'm sick of this routine. I wish I can work from home, but I can't do that. I hate to live on campus. I hate to wake up everyday and see same face of my boss. I just want this to be over. I want this to be over so badly. I hope to take a few months off, just travel, have fun. Relax, unwind, enjoy. Come off my antidepressants. I have been procrastinating my pharmacy studies. I am sick of looking at books. I feel like I've wasted so many years of my life just to get ridiculed by men in arranged marriage market. Why? why? Life of a housewife seems so attractive to me. I envy my friends who got married in India and came to the US. I'm telling myself to stop thinking about options that were never available to me. Its okay.... this is just a phase of life. I really really really hope that quality of life will get much better once I'm out of school and hopefully have a 9-5 job. I've to attend a meeting at 7 am tomorrow. I'm tossing in my bed, praying to fall asleep. I'm trying my best to hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 7, 2011 Author Share Posted February 7, 2011 My boss is acting so strange. He told me to my face (which is actually better) that he wont' look at my proposal. He wants to get the 2nd paper out first. That is his top priority. He said that a paper is worth more than my proposal or even thesis. Those are just formalities. I really really want to graduate by May. How am I going to do that? I hate writing papers. I am so damn tired that I don't care what happens to my research. I have lost all passion for my subject. I dont' even want to attend any conference. My senior students told me that this is very normal of a PhD student that is in the final stages of completing. I have been trying to avoid interacting with my boss as much as possible. We just dont' get along well. All 7 years I have bitten my tongue and tried to keep quiet just for one reason. I didn't want to let my work go waste. I didn't want him to throw me out of the lab (it was very much possible because the grant money was already over), give my entire work to another student and let that student get the 1st authorship. Staying in science is hard. You can do the work, but you may not be rewarded. Honestly, I'm like a zombie. I wake up, go to school, do my work, come home, stick my head into pharmacy books again hoping some of that vast information would get into my brains and hopefully stay there. What a life! I was bringing groceries home last Friday night (wow... what a plan for a Friday night). I avoid going out on Friday nights. People are having fun, partying, cars get lined up to pick girls up near where I live and here I'm working my butt off. I cant stop thinking... why the heck did I choose this life? Wouldn't it be easier to snag a man with my looks? Heck... recently I was talking to a man. He said "Why do you need to study so hard? God has given you good looks. Don't worry even if you don't get a job." I smiled, kept quiet. Beauty is a strange thing. You can't have it in moderation and hope it would get you something. Brains, on the other hand, even if you have 'em in moderation would get you some kinda job, and help put food on table. Yes, and no matter how beautiful you are, you need luck, in good amount to make it or even survive in the industry. I've been trying to lose weight so bad. I dont' look big but I would like to get thinner. I made a huge (I mean it) pot of soup loaded with veggies and I've been eating out of it 3x/day. It doesn't keep me. I would eat a big bowl of soup and go to school and start feeling hungry again. Veggies are useless. I hope I can shed some weight. Called mom today... she was complaining about dad's behavior. Same old... nothing new. She said "I'm not sure why I stayed in this marriage. My husband is a wuss. Doesn't do any work. Now I've to constantly take care of his health." I told her that she should consider hiring help for cooking. I feel really bad for my mom. She has potential. She could have achieved success outside, professionally. But then outside is also a vicious world. Its a huge adjustment for mom to live with dad. He lived away from home for such a looong time. That really is the reason why they could stay married. I told her to look at the positives in her life. She has a roof over her head. There is enough money to take care of medical bills and eat healthy food. Her husband is not the best, I agree, but he doesn't beat her up. He doesn't tell her to get out and make money and only then she can eat at his house. I guess, everything in life comes with a price tag and when we marry its a package deal. You get good with the bad and the ugly. You dont' get to choose. Well, you can to a certain extent, if you are lucky, but that is also a package deal. My parents won't be coming for my graduation. I don't want to put any pressure on mom. I know how hard she has to work to arrange aid/substitute for dad. Its tough. Why can't Indian men cook? Why can't they help with household chores? Why not? Why does a woman need to do every single thing in and around house? This is ridiculous. Is this what marriage is? Where is happiness in that marriage then? I thought only Indian men acted out. No. Some white women have confided in me that their white husbands were no better. They said "We have to get up and do household chores while our husbands sit comfortably on couch because they are tired after work. Sure, we thought of filing for divorce, but he atleast provides for our child. That's more than what child support would pay. Its not easy." Its okay if my dad can't cook. Why can't he do little little household chores to help out? Is that too much to ask? Why is there shame in helping out at home? How much can one person man/woman handle? Grr.... I guess, I should just enjoy my single life... whatever is left of it and pray that I get a man that is either house-trained or trainable. Love really is simple. Show that you care. Help out a bit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted February 8, 2011 Author Share Posted February 8, 2011 Had a very busy day yesterday, but productive. I'm making an effort to study hard. Focus only on one day at-a-day. Hanging on. Pressing on. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pkittie Posted February 9, 2011 Share Posted February 9, 2011 "The key to a healthy marriage is to keep your eyes wide open before you wed and half-closed thereafter." ~ Benjamin Franklin Ha ha ha...SO true! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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