annie24 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 hi tinu - like you, i have a habit of shopping and eating a lot. with my graduation and the fact that i am looking for jobs outside of the country, I've realized that i cannot shop - in fact, i need to get rid of things!! i will put some things into storage, but the rest, i will give away or take with me. since you are graduating and moving in 2011, maybe use that as your motivation to stop shopping. at least for anything that's not entirely necessary. of course, buy things that you need to replace other things that are worn out/not working, but now is not a good time to buy a 5th blanket, you know? as for eating, that is hard because it is my comfort as well. i have to remind myself that my trouble/worry will still be there after i eat the burger/fries/chocolate/ice cream and that eating is only a temporary relief for like - 10 minutes. then i am back to feeling however i was. like you said, we should be more like the animals, and just eat when you are hungry, not eat for emotional reasons. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Yes Annie, I agree. I'm telling myself not to shop for anything other than food until I know where I'm going to be living next. Its not easy though. Its an everyday struggle. I hear you. I'm not sure where I will be next, if in the US or outside US. I really really don't need to buy any more kitchen gadgets, make up, knitting supplies, etc. In fact I need to go through my stuff and sell most of it if I'm moving out in a few months. Yes, with eating, I don't know why food is so comforting. Its hard not to stay away from pigging out. I'm trying to cook as much as I can and eat healthy stuff, but food is damn attractive to me. And you are right, the strange thing is that after we eat comfort food, we are worse off because now we feel guilty. Oh why did I even eat it? Over Xmas I brought chocolates etc. to gift others. I got rid of it the same day. I didn't want to keep that in my room and be tempted to open the box. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 14, 2011 Author Share Posted January 14, 2011 What do you do when you simply can't stop wanting companionship, but men just seem to ignore you and move on? What do you do when you are willing to settle, but you still don't find a taker? What do you do when you find losing faith in yourself and God and you feel like completely, totally giving up? What do you do when you feel like life is not even worth living without a decent partner? What do you do when all you get is rejection and silence, but noone tells you why including God? My prayer journal is full of requests, cries, pleadings with God. I tried fasting a certain day for about a year. Should I just completely forget the possibility that any man will ever want me? I simply can't stop wanting to know why they don't want to have a relationship with me? Why has this been going on since last 10+ years? I feel like burning my prayer journal. I'm tired of even looking at it. Every single man I approach hoping that this is probably is the last man, is turning me down. I simply can't get my hopes up and get disappointed again. I DO NOT KNOW WHAT TO DO. I don't know how to not get my hopes up and how to not feel disappointed, discouraged. CAN ANY MAN ANSWER ME PLEASE WHAT IS SO LACKING IN ME THAT THEY FIND IN OTHER WOMEN? I want to kill myself because I simply can't see myself going like this.... wanting a relationship and all you get is rejection. I hate myself for even wanting a relationship. I do not want to talk to another man. I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm frustrated, I can't stop asking "why me?" God doesn't answer my questions. Men want to run away as far as possible from me. Why? Why? There is no peace in my heart. I'm so damn tired, I can't even begin to explain. Why me? What is so wrong with me? When you want something so bad everything seems to be moving so freaking slow and taking forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 14, 2011 Share Posted January 14, 2011 Focus on your PhD for now! Things will get easier! I'm angry, I'm bitter, I'm frustrated - this is not the best basis to attract someone for a healthy relationship Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pkittie Posted January 15, 2011 Share Posted January 15, 2011 Tinu, you are not alone in your quest or a partner & enotalone is proof of that. Also, do realize that you have certain criterias that you want fulfilled. That limits your choices. It's ok to vent but harping about the same thing is not going to change anything. If you want a change then get your degree & start afresh. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Not having a good day today. Just glad its over. Went to bed at 3am last night (or this morning I should say). Got up at 6am. Rushed to school. The room we recently shifted into has this strange ventilation system that makes terrible noise from time to time. It was making noise today. My office computer is acting up. By mercy of God, I managed to work on the last part of the proposal and submit it to my boss. Interestingly, he never saw the previous chapters I sent him. Hmm... I wonder why? But I didn't fuss. Came home dead tired. Head was pounding. Don't know why. Over the weekend I managed to make really healthy and tasty soup. Huge pot of it. Had smoothie from morning so I had food to eat. Got myself into problem with a woman on campus. Security sent all an alert about suspicious people taking photos of campus, cars getting broken into etc. I was walking from the postoffice, saw this white woman, blonde hair, middle-aged, overweight, taking photos. She had huge sunglasses on. I guess thats the latest fashion. I stopped to ask "Hi, are you a student? I'm curious that you are taking photos. I'm a student and we have been told to ask people who are taking photos around campus without a badge on about who they are and why they are taking pictures. There has been increase in suspicious activities on campus lately." "I am an alumni. I am taking pictures for my memory. I have been here since 1980. I didn't know taking a simple picture would be such a big deal." Said like a king would say that he is king of a certain empire. "Oh, okay, good to know that. Thank you for sharing that. I'm sorry. Don't misunderstand. I am not trying to make a big deal out of it. I had to stop and ask. Its about everyone's safety. I hope you understand. You wouldn't want to park your car here to find someone broke into your car, would you?" "Do I look like I could break into cars? Do I look like a random person to you?" Looked me up n down. wow... the attitude! "I'm sorry ma'm. But we all know that looks are deceiving. I don't know you. How do I know that you are not a random person? How am I supposed to guess that you are an alumni? I'm only being a responsible student and if you really are an alumni, I'm sure you understand my concern and will be able to appreciate it. Thank you again. Have a great day!" I had to keep up with her attitude and tone to assert my point. I felt while walking back why the hell did I bother to stop and ask? There have been instances where I was watching TV and breaking news of suspect on loose in our neighborhood was on or police choppers have been hovering over our building, I would run to the reception and ask those girls to lock the front entrance, they would look at me strange and go about their business. I stopped doing that. There have been 2 instances where strangers tried to push their way into the building. How much are we going to rely on security? Today there was shooting in one of the highschools near LA. The reporters asked the same Q. Is it really possible for school officials to check the bagpacks of every single child every day? Where does personal responsibility come into play? Ofcourse security department is there and thats great, so are we just gonna move around with closed eyes and blame the security everytime something goes wrong? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 19, 2011 Share Posted January 19, 2011 the problem with coming up and asking her is that she, of course, will deny it! what did you think - that she would tell you she's the thief? of course she will say she was a student x years ago. that is what any burglar will do! or she was telling the truth. i would have just called campus security and let them know that a woman matching that profile is in the parking lot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 19, 2011 Author Share Posted January 19, 2011 Ya that's where I went wrong. No, I didn't want her to admit to anything, I get that. Mostly when confronted these people just get into their cars and/or leave. That's what I thought would happen. She didn't leave. I learned my lesson. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 20, 2011 Author Share Posted January 20, 2011 why why why? The UK guy has now started calling me on my lab phone number. I don't know how he got a hold of that number. I never shared it with him. So, today he called my lab phone x3 early in morning. Luckily I wasn't there in the room to answer the call. He emails me on my school's email account. I kept blocking the addresses. Now this. I'm afraid of answering my lab phone. That is not supposed to happen. I was left with no choice. I called the security and reported everything. Gave them his name, telephone number. where he works. They said that they are going to contact him and talk to him. They said "We will tell him that what he is doing is considered harassment of the university staff and we are here to protect our students and staff. so, we will not tolerate this. if you don't behave we will have to report this to the law enforcement." I really really hope that this approach works. I don't' know what to do to this man. I have changed email IDs, home phone number, cell phone number. I don't' want to be running around scared like this anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 don't be scared. just keep ignoring. he's clearly unhinged. i'm glad he's so far away. have you let your labmates know? if someone calls asking for you, have them take a message. glad you told security. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 20, 2011 Share Posted January 20, 2011 Telling security was really a smart move! I hope they can solve this for you. Don't be scared, it's pyschological terror, but he is far away thus he can't harm you physically. Just keep reminding yourself as long as you don't let him feel that you are affected, he can't accomplish anything Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 why why why? The UK guy has now started calling me on my lab phone number. I don't know how he got a hold of that number. I never shared it with him. It's probably online in the university directory, no? It sounds like you have caller ID, so, if I were you, I would ignore him. As Penelope13 says, he is fortunately on the other side of the ocean, so there isn't a great deal he can do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 It's probably online in the university directory, no? It sounds like you have caller ID, so, if I were you, I would ignore him. As Penelope13 says, he is fortunately on the other side of the ocean, so there isn't a great deal he can do. The lab phone is an old old phone that doesn't show caller's ID right when your phone is ringing. So, its not a caller ID as the cell phone's caller ID works. He called and when the machine beeped he just breathed into the phone as usual. The system luckily got a hold of his number. The reason why I say luckily is because he has figured out a way to call such that no digits show up on my cell phone when he calls. I mean it. not a single digit would show up and the phone just rings. When you answer it, nothing. He just breathes into the phone. If you dont answer it and let your voice mail pick it up, the voice mail system can't catch his number, it says "message from an unknown number". No, my lab extension is not listed online in university directory. The reason why I can say that so confidently is because if it had been there it would not have taken him 6 years to call me on my lab phone. I will tell you what must have happened. We put an advertisement out for recruitment of subjects and I gave my name and lab phone number so our patients can get a hold of us. This guy has no other work to do. He is obsessed about finding out every single detail about my life. What I'm doing, where I live, my phone number. And I know why he is doing this. Because I'm still single. Had I been married, he would not dare do this because he would be afraid that my husband would go kick him. Now he has no fear. He can do whatever whenever. I told him several times initially that I dont intend to stay in touch with him. He said "Sure, if you dont intend to stay in touch with me, thats your decision. But you can't stop me from getting in touch with you. That is my decision, you can't control that. So you do what you want to do. I'll do what I've to do." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 I feel like such an ass.... 2 days ago. just before my ex called my lab phone number, I got an email from an Indian guy claiming that he wants to know about the study we are conducting. He didn't email me. He emailed my boss. My boss forwarded it to me. I responded to that email and my signature has my name and telephone number. Next day I get a phone call from my ex on my lab phone. Do you call that coincidence? No its not. Now it makes sense. The reason why I had to respond to that email is because if we dont' respond or behave rudely with our subjects they have a right to go against us to the university's department that controls these studies and complain against us. Why is this man after my life? We never heard back from that Indian guy that emailed us. I'm sure that was my ex. He is like cancer... wont' stop spreading its legs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 ugh!!!! that makes sense now. this man is mentally unhinged. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 21, 2011 Author Share Posted January 21, 2011 Ya, but who is paying the price? He clearly has plenty of time on his hands. What I don't understand is why is he making every effort to get in touch with me? Why? Does he have some important news for me? He clearly understands that I don't intend to stay in touch with him. Yet, he won't give up his efforts. Problems in my personal life have become very public now in school. IT people, telecommunications, security, my boss, the residential deans, reception desk staff of the dorm knows. Its annoying. Its suffocating to know that any gaps you leave this guy will get in through that. I'm thinking of purchasing new computer because I suspect that my home computer is hacked by this guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 21, 2011 Share Posted January 21, 2011 you don't have to purchase a new computer. but maybe you can get it cleaned off and reinstall everything. could be worth looking into. do you think he's hacked into your account? you can also that that computer off the internet so that there's no way into it. just leave that as a work computer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marshmlofluff Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Ya, but who is paying the price? He clearly has plenty of time on his hands. What I don't understand is why is he making every effort to get in touch with me? Why? Does he have some important news for me? He clearly understands that I don't intend to stay in touch with him. Yet, he won't give up his efforts. Problems in my personal life have become very public now in school. IT people, telecommunications, security, my boss, the residential deans, reception desk staff of the dorm knows. Its annoying. Its suffocating to know that any gaps you leave this guy will get in through that. I'm thinking of purchasing new computer because I suspect that my home computer is hacked by this guy. I wouldn't be ashamed; it isn't your fault. I doubt anyone who knew you were being stalked would think less of you, and if anything most of them will probably want to protect you. As to why he is stalking you, some people don't take rejection well. They want to keep tabs on what the other person is up to, control them, and also vindicate themselves--"ha, I'm married, and you're still single," etc. Once you graduate, you will be much harder for him to find. You will also meet someone. And that will be the end of him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 yeah, i agree - i think people are going to feel protective towards you, not judge you because all of this craziness. ugh, i hope this guy gets a life. i'm glad you're ignoring him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dancing_magpie Posted January 22, 2011 Share Posted January 22, 2011 Hi Tinu - I'm sorry your ex is harassing you like this. No one should have to put up with this - please don't feel bad or embarrassed. It's not your fault and you did the right thing going to security. Do you have any friends that are good with computers? They might be able to advise you as to how to up the security if you feel that your computer has been compromised by him hacking in. I think Annie might be correct in that it may be better to reinstall everything - I've had to do something similar recently because of viruses. It's a pain but worth it. I think Marsh is right - he wants to keep tabs on you and he's probably enjoying trying to get hold of you. He seems like a pretty sick individual. I think the only way to stop him may be to get the law involved. What an idiot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 Thanks ladies. I'm looking into getting my computer to professional computer people so they can get it checked and then I'll reload the softwares I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 good advice link removed link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 23, 2011 Author Share Posted January 23, 2011 So, I feel I have to make a decision about these 3 things - My desktop computer is 6 yrs old. I purchased it new for $600. No printer, scanner. Nothing. Very simple basic home computer. Its getting slower each day. I tried to install some basic MS office on it. It doesn't work well. Really the only computer I have is the one in my lab. I have to spend about $200 towards repairing home computer, get it cleaned up and install software (yes, I'll have to buy new MS office). I'm not sure if its worth it or just buy a cheap laptop and a printer. My cell phone is a basic bar phone. So, no fancy applications available. Its not a smartphone. The cell phone service is pre-paid so I never pay overcharges. The down side is that I don't qualify for a free upgrade. I'm looking into buying a better phone, if I can get one for decent price and not going for a post-paid contract just to get a better phone. My car... oh God! my car... it breaks down often. I'm afraid of taking it to the service center because every time I go for one problem, something more comes up. I still need to get work done on it. I just have been delaying that. The Q is should I sell it and buy a better car or continue to spend money on getting my car fixed. Also, my car doesn't give me good gas mileage. The This year I plan on traveling to conferences. I really would like to have either a laptop or a good cell phone with email feature. I can't upgrade my phone for free because I'm not on a post-paid plan. With only 6 or so months left towards finishing up my PhD, and no job lined up... I'm not sure if I should even upgrade any of these gadgets. The girl I have been helping frequently said to me "If you are going to conferences this year, you can take my laptop for a few days. I hope I can get it fixed by that time." That would be great. The reason why I'm not interested in upgrading at this point is because I don't know how long I'll remain in the US. After graduation I hope to visit parents, evaluate the situation back home, and then take a decision about where to stay. Honestly, if I have to leave the US within a year from now, I would rather go back home with cash in my pocket than blowing that money on upgrading these gadgets that I'll have to sell off before I leave the US anyway (I mean my car). If I have a choice, I would not upgrade any of these until I get a work visa or at least know that I'm going to be staying in this country for 2-3 more years. What to do... what to do... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pkittie Posted January 24, 2011 Share Posted January 24, 2011 Laptop & cellphone you can even carry with you to India. Tinu, you have to think carefully. What is it that you need foremost & will help you in your job search? Honestly, I highly doubt that you will ever go back... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 25, 2011 Author Share Posted January 25, 2011 Most of the last week my boss has been acting so bad. Short, terse replies, rude remarks. Never have I felt so controlled by one person. Never have I felt so helpless and idiot as I did for almost 7 years of my PhD. The paper has been accepted by God's grace, but the fight is far from over. The journal people are so strange. All this time, they communicated with me directly. Now when it was time for them to send the proof copy, they sent it to my boss. He wouldn't forward me their email. Instead he only sent me the attachment of the proof. Thursday was a really hard day for me. I really really wanted to take that day off and just crawl into my bed and cry. I had almost run out of cooked food, was cramping real bad, my computer was acting out. I was hanging in by a thread that day. This man comes into my office with a hard copy of the proof about 12 noon. He had not forwarded me the email by then. Him "I want you to go through this in detail and let me know if you see any changes. I have already gone through this and I don't see any major changes. YOU have used some strange grammer at some places. I could almost hear your voice in those sentences." Me "Sure, I will go through this and return the copy to you. If you think there are grammatical errors, we can fix them." Him "No, forget it." All that day, I had to run around trying to collect signatures from other authors. The boss gave me only a hard copy for the signature form. I had to again ask him for a soft copy. I hate to talk to him. He puts me in a situation where I have to talk to him. ughhhh! In the middle of the seminar (after about 3-4 hours) he called me and left a message "If the proof is okay, I'm going to send them an email to go ahead." Me "I have looked at it and so far I don't see any problems, but I talked to Dr. X and he said that he hasn't looked at the proof yet. Can we please wait? We have entire 48 hours to respond." Him "No, I dont want to wait." I said nothing. He went ahead and decided to okay the proof. Then I went to him and told him that I had spotted some errors that need to be corrected. Ofcourse he didn't like it "I thought you said you checked it." Me "Yes, I did. I didn't catch tiny mistakes then." Him "Alright, tell me tomorrow all mistakes. I will talk to them." I asked him the next day. He said he can't even get through the system because they went ahead after he okayed the proof. What was the need to be in such hurry? I really am getting tired of his behavior. I may just snap at him someday. I'm really really tired. I can't take this behavior anymore. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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