LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hi Tinu! I am presently in PhD 3 (which is really in the second year of my PhD but because I am part of a combined masters PhD program they call it PhD3). Can't wait to be closer to the ending stages. I am getting my PhD in psychology. Oh is it Psy D program? Thats good. Continue putting one foot next to other. You will be done. Best wishes to you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 i get like that too sometimes when i have a deadline, i find something else, peripheral, to do. obviously, that's not going to help. what you can do, and i suggest you do do, is start scheduling blocks of time. there will be dissertation writing time, and fun time, exercise time, tinu time. try to limit yourself to worrying about marriage for only 30 minutes a day, or whatnot. but make sure to hit your writing goals, and whatever else needs to be done to graduate. obviously, yes, there are deadlines. you don't want to give your professors your work at the last minute, it is not respectful to them. in my department, we give our committees our theses 2 weeks in advance. i gave mine 12 days in advance. start working backwards. you want to have time to revise, make corrections, etc.... you might alternatively try for a page goal - ie, try to get one page a day. whatever works for you. i don't think mr. fireman was right for you. given all the things you wrote about him, i don't think he was your future husband. not the right fit. fit is important. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mya Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hi Tinu, No it is not a PsyD but a PhD program where we do both clinical work and research. There are no PsyD programs in Canada that I know of. By the way hang in there! You are almost there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Thank you Annie, for the tips about managing time and also writing about the fireman. Ya, you are right. When people are desperate (as I get sometime), they tend to cling on to whoever they know, they are familiar with... whether that person is right or not. I guess, thats what I'm doing. Got to stop thinking about that dude. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Hi Tinu, No it is not a PsyD but a PhD program where we do both clinical work and research. There are no PsyD programs in Canada that I know of. By the way hang in there! You are almost there! Oh, okay, I thought it was PsyD. Great! you get best of both worlds, clinical + research thats really good! I didn't know you are in Canada. Thanks for your encouragement. I'm trying to hang in there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 In reality people dont like to hurt others feelings. We have to take that into consideration after a one date situation. In this day of internet dating, where you can go on a number of 1st dates each week, it is just too much to provide a full postmortem to each and every person you meet. Sounds cynical, and perhaps cold, but unfortunately it is the way it is. When it clicks, it clicks and both parties know it without having to question it. My rule of thumb, if I go on a date and have to question the girls interest level at the end....it wasnt a match. Relationships are full of bs and ????? as they are (thus ENA's existence), no need to bring all that anxiety and questioning into the first date. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 8, 2011 Share Posted January 8, 2011 Tinu, try to focus on the positive: your paper got accepted that is sooo much more than you imagined possible a few weeks ago. Don't allow yourself to wollow in all the negative and to forget the positive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 8, 2011 Author Share Posted January 8, 2011 Yes, I agree, Penny. Yes, my paper getting accepted has come as a surprising, yet much needed relief. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 I really really want a cat or a dog. I really do. After a long hard day I really want to come home to someone. If a man doesn't think I'm worthy of that, I hope a cat or dog does at least. I just want to get out of the dorm and I can't wait to have a cat or a dog. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 I'd get a dog, then you can take him for walks and meet others during those walks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Yes, a dog sounds so much fun. You can take your dog with you. I wish I had a dog during graduate school. I wouldn't feel so alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 My ex won't stop contacting me and finding innovative ways to get in touch with me. He emails me on my school's email account using different email ID each time. Each time I end up blocking his ID. I have an account on linked in. He looked me up and sent me an invitation using his original name. Of course, I denied it. Since then, he has been sending me invitation using different names and fake accounts and fake photos regularly to be in his network. Why won't this guy just leave me alone? What can be done so that he gets the message loud and clear that I do not want to do anything with him? I do not intend to stay his friends? I dont' care what happens in his life? I'm happy that I said no to him and he can become the richest man in the world I still would be happy for my decision to say no to him. That decision was taken under certain circumstances, after seeing certain behavior. It wasn't because I wasn't sure he would get a job or get rich. Why doesn't he understand? More than 3 years ago when we talked, he said "Sure, you don't want to stay in touch with me. Okay, but I want to stay in touch with you. I want to know what's new happening at your end. I want to update you with how happy I'm. I'm going to try that. Try stopping me. Oh, and my wife knows what I'm doing and is in support of all this." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 Tell him if he does it again, you're going to let his WIFE know what he is up to! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 9, 2011 Author Share Posted January 9, 2011 Tell him if he does it again, you're going to let his WIFE know what he is up to! Annie, I do not know how to contact his wife. Also, honestly, I feel that he is keeping his wife in dark, but I dont care, because I know he is a VERY controlling guy. If he is doing all this, I'm sure he has tried to make his position safe by whatever way he can. I mean it. That means by keeping his wife satisfied in that marriage, whatever way that is, sex, providing for family, letting her shop, whatever. If I understand him correctly, he must be also keeping her away from all his personal records, keeping her away from his financial details. He is a very controlling man. Well, first of all I have no way of contacting her. Even if I do, it would be like opening a can of worms. She is not going to trust me. She is going to take her husband's side. People do not leave their wedded partners so easily. If the woman was smart, she would have left him when he contacted me 5am UK time a week after their marriage. I do not want to do anything with this man because he has a tendency to come back with vengeance. If God forbid, his marriage falls apart (which I doubt will happen) he will make sure that he will make my life hell. He knows how to hack a computer. HE will contact every single man I'm trying to go on date with or possibly marry. It is highly possible that he has dirty pictures of me. It is possible. Nothing is off limits with this man. His wife is NOT going to leave him. She has a child with him, he has a stable job, the guy has a PhD. She is not going to leave him. Who is going to take care of that child, her? with no job skills? in a foreign country? Let me tell you something 'Indian people, especially women, will move heaven n earth to make their marriage work once they have a child.' Because they know that once they have a child their life is over. No normal Indian man will marry them. Who knows what was her reason to marry this guy in first place? May be she has no way of returning home? And I know this man. He is someone who will prey on your vulnerability. I'm sure he has taken a decision of marrying her after thinking it through. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 9, 2011 Share Posted January 9, 2011 ok, then just keep ignoring. that is your best bet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 I made a few tiny changes in this recipe. I looove it! I can't stop eating! Its so good wow! link removed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 I have no clue what to do. I will try to explain the situation. There are 2 brothers. Both of them are registered on a matrimonial website. My mom came accross the profile of older brother and contacted him directly. After which he emailed me. Then we talked on the internet twice, 5-6 hours each time. We are from similar profession. He was here for a few years after completing his PhD. I really enjoyed talking to him. He is currently out of USA, but he said during our conversation "I can come back to the US.""I have never talked this long with anyone." After we talked the 2nd time, he said that he was going to visit his grandparents for Indian festival that was coming up. So, I decided not to bother him. This was around early to mid Nov. He never contacted me again after that. My mom emailed him. He never responded to her either. I do not know what to call this situation. His parents got in touch with my parents and said "Our son is in the US. We are looking for a girl pretty much like your daughter. This is our son's profile. You can contact each other." My mom sent me his profile. He mentioned in his family background that he has an elder brother, along with his brother's name and education. All those details match with the guy mentioned above. His parents never mentioned that the 2nd son they got in touch with us about is the above guy's younger brother. Does it mean that the parents know/don't know? What should I do? Should I go ahead and get in touch with the 2nd guy? I feel strange about this. If at all we happen to talk to each other should I mention that I have talked twice with his elder brother? I expressed my concern to my mom today and she said "I see no problem. You have only talked x2. He decided not to get in touch with you after that. His parents might not even know anything about it, because I approached him directly. I see no harm in proceeding. If at all you meet and you like each other and really decide to go ahead, then you can ask him if the above guy really is his brother. If not, you shouldn't open your mouth." I, on the other hand, want to share this with him in 1st phone conversation only. He and his parents can decide what to do with the information. If he is okay with it, we can talk, if not, oh well. What should I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 10, 2011 Share Posted January 10, 2011 Contact him. When you talk about your family background, ask about his brother. Since you only tallked to the first guy 2x, there shouldn't be any hard felings if he turns out to be the brother Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 10, 2011 Author Share Posted January 10, 2011 Thank you Penny for your reply. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 12, 2011 Author Share Posted January 12, 2011 So yesterday a friend called Her "Hey, how are you? I'm sad, disappointed. I just wanted to talk to you." Me "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, but unfortunately I've to go to meet a lady in 10 minutes. I will give you a call on my way to meet her, okay?" Her "Thats fine. You can call me anytime. It doesn't have to be today." Me "Alright. take care dear." I called her back in about 10-15 minutes on her home phone, noone answered. Tried her cell phone, noone answered. The journal asked for some resolution changes in the figures and I had to run around getting things fixed, but I called her around noon again. Again no response on her cell phone. I tried her home phone, she finally answered. Her "Oh, I'm exercising." Me "That's definitely good. How are you doing dear? I got worried." Her "Oh no no, I'm doing just fine. How are you? I'm glad to hear that things are moving along in your life. Very happy to hear that, your parents must be happy to know that you are finishing up and possibly returning." Me "Yes, I'm thankful that things are moving along. Please don't turn this around. You said you wanted to talk." Her "um... no nothing really. I'm doing good." Me "Okay, if you don't want to talk then I'm not going to push you. Just want to tell you that in case you need anything I'm here." She is probably struggling with her residency. She doesn't want me to know that. She probably feels like she doesn't want to share sad stuff with me now as I shared good news with her recently. Yes, may be, but after how long and after toiling for how many years? All these years I vented to her about my PhD, my life in general. I appreciate her as a support system. I don't understand why you would be so guarded with your friend? Why can't you just say "My residency sucks. I can't switch into the one that I want to go for. I hate my life right now. Its rough." Just let it out. Have I not done that with you several times? I have been very real with my emotions. If my paper was rejected I would say "hey we have flaws in our study, we tried to shoot for high ranking journals, got turned down again." I have also been honest with her about men. So many men rejected me, I said yes, they turned me down. Life is already challenging. I don't desire to add another job my having to hide behind a mask. Everyone has bad times and good times. Your friends don't judge you, they are there to support you through bad times and celebrate with you good times. I was having lunch with a senior medical friend. I called this friend as they know each other. She helped her by answering some Qs and concerns on phone. This friend was on phone, but she was worried that I would ask my senior "Oh, is she having difficulties with residency?" I never did. I left my senior alone to talk to this girl and I just left. Later also I never asked "hey so did anything work?" nothing. Why bother hiding your challenges with friends? You have to wear a mask in your professional world anyways. Why bother wearing it in front of your friends? Am I wrong to be real with my friends and telling them when I feel like I'm never going to make it? It sucks that I treat her as a good friend, call her, vent to her, trust her for advice and she doesn't feel the same way about me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
penelope13 Posted January 12, 2011 Share Posted January 12, 2011 It sometimes happens that someone is feeling down, but then they are able to pull themselves out again. When that happens they may feel they don't want to burden their friends with negativity if they have already worked through it by themselves. It's probably not a mask, but also a consideration to you as a friend. Didn't you complain some time ago about some people who only want to talk to you about negative things and that you don't need this, because you have your own struggles? I think it's great that you can talk to her when you are feeling down and she obviously knows that she can contact you in time of need. Maybe she simply walked off her negative feelings by going to the gym. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 Yes, I guess. Yes, its true that I talked made that comment about 2 of my friends. This friend of mine, I know, is going through some hard time finding a residency spot or something. I don't ask details because I don't want to make her feel bad about not getting accepted. I just figured if she got accepted she would share that with me. I don't want to know her business. I thought it would be better if she would just vent. She rarely does that. I hope she is venting somewhere. Its good for emotional well being. Ya, you are right, I guess. She probably sorted through and didn't want to burden me with her stuff. I will try to see that in positive light. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
annie24 Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 yeah, i agree. working out might have helped ease her sadness/anxiety. you sound like a good friend, you really tried to get back to her!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LAYAAN Posted January 13, 2011 Author Share Posted January 13, 2011 After living here for a few years, I've caught up with the ways to live the American way. I simply can't stop shopping and eating. I am trying to cut down on number of visits and time spent during each visit to the mall so I won't have chance to spend money. Now I understand why some people are compulsive shoppers. Its a great stress-buster (well, only short-term). The key really is how do you get rid of everyday anxiety, stress? A few options are: get into meaningless relationships, drink/do drugs, shop, eat, exercise like a freak, spend your time volunteering or studying, get a hobby. Really, what do you seek comfort in to destress? I'm not justifying that eating like a pig is good, but really that sounds like a better alternative among all others that people use to relax/destress. Its not always as pricey as shopping. I told myself its okay for me to eat as long as I try to make whatever dish it is at home using healthy substitutions and doesn't require frying (shallow/deep). I have been looking for innovative ways to make healthy dressings/dips so I can eat more veggies. It is hard for me to not shop. It is hard for me to not eat. I told myself everytime I feel like eating due to stress/anxiety, I will walk vigorously or I will knit. That's what I'm trying to do. Why is it so difficult to not get sucked into these activities? I wish I was more like an animal. Eat only when I feel hungry and eat same food day in, day out, and be happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
orchidrose Posted January 13, 2011 Share Posted January 13, 2011 You think eating like a pig and compulsive shopping are better options for destressing than volunteering? Interesting perspective. I volunteer and work on learning more about things I'm interested in to destress. I find that volunteering allows me to enjoy things like shopping and eating out more, as well. When I see the families that I work with head over heels that they have a turkey for Thanksgiving, it puts things into perspective. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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