Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I made chai tea mix today.

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[LAYAAN]

I do not like to see my advisor's face everyday. I don't hate him. He is a wise man, not necessarily nice, but I don't agree with his method of working. I was actually going to post something good today in my journal, but I guess I will write that later.

My advisor has been going back and forth with the corrections.

Today we were sitting trying to finish the corrections. He said "God damn it! damn it! damn it! You have been really sloppy with your work."

It got quiet for a while. Noone said anything.

Him "I'm sorry, I need a break."

Got out of the room.

I sat there. I told myself that its gonna be okay. Some days are good, some days are bad. Just hang in there. Dont' make much out of it.

I went on youtube. watched a video.

He came back after about 10-15 minutes.

Him "Lets give this another try."

Me "Why dont' we pick this up tomorrow instead?"

Him "Ok. Lets do that."

Me "Thank you Dr. Z. Sorry. It just slipped my attention to put the percent sign in."

Him ... didn't say anything.

Many many times I have wondered why did I bother with a PhD? During my PhD journey, I realized something about myself.

"My problem is that I don't know when to get out." Its not just limited to PhD. Thats what I did in my 1st relationship, wasted massive amount of my time in that relationship and later getting over it. The key is to keep your eyes and ears open. Listen to your gut and when you have seen enough, get out while getting out is possible and would do some good. I could have gotten out of PhD, in fact those that do, do so within first 3 yrs into their PhD. I could have done that. Instead of listening to my gut and really finding out what is bothering me about the program and the prospects, I took shelter in an equally bad relationship. Venting is understandable, it can be good too. But venting doesn't solve problems. You have to listen to yourself. Why are you venting? What is it that you are venting about? Do you think you can correct it? Is getting out really the solution? What is the area of discomfort, disconnect here? I should have taken time out to think about all this. I had that time then. I could have gotten out of PhD then. I'm not sad that I didn't get out of the program. I'm sad that I didn't listen to myself and acted like a fool and tried to drug my mind by getting into a useless relationship that brought me nothing, but pain. Over years I've seen kids leave PhD program. Those that leave, mostly do so because they know what their area of disconnect is and are normally very sure/focused about what they want from their life.

I'm not blaming anyone. I normally don't blame people for anything. I believe that I have the highest responsibility of myself... to safeguard my interest and I didn't look out for myself. I hope I've learned something from this. I sincerely hope that I won't repeat this mistake ever again. I told myself today while walking back home that. "I will not marry a guy to stay in the US. I will not get into a job that I don't like to stay back in the US. I will listen to myself and if I find myself in a poor situation again, I will get out of it. I will not kill my soul again like I did during my PhD... working under someone that I do not care for, just for some faint feeling that I can't even define." I'm responsible to make myself happy. I can make myself reasonably happy. I will find a reasonable job to make money and be reasonably happy to work that job. Its possible. I need to really listen to myself and act on it.

Its not surprising... I've been talking to so many colleagues. Most of them don't know what do they want to do with their career once they are done with their PhD. What is it about this degree that makes it so hard for people to even think about their future? I'm pretty much in the same boat. But I've grown a lot since age 25. I just hope that I don't put myself in situations where I've relearn these lessons.

[annie24]

the phd is a hard degree to get. unlike the MBA or the law degree, it takes a lot longer to get! and is very painful. i agree that a lot of people decide halfway through that it's not right for them.... but sometimes, it's just easier to graduate than it is to leave and have to explain to people why you have only a master's after 6 years of work.

 

realistically (and i said this to myself) - what if i left and dropped out? how would i explain that to future employers when they ask me about my CV?? sure, it's one thing to leave grad school after 2 years and get a master's degree. but 7??? i mean, just cmon, finish, get it over with. i know a guy who is dragging his heels as well. he's a 9th year. he's almost done writing. i know that if he just put his nose to it, he could finish writing his dissertation in a month (it sounds almost done!!) but he doesn't. i don't know why he is hesitanting. maybe it is the quality of his work? maybe he thinks it is not good enough or his advisor is not good enough.

 

something that i heard recently from PhD student - he's just been offered a job (assistant prof) at a state university. we're very happy for him. the job starts in fall 2011. so, now he has to graduate! his goal is spring 2011. He talked to one of his committee members, he was worried that he might not get it all done in time. the professor said (true story!!!) "Well, we really don't want to pass sub-par dissertations..... BUT..... we do it all the time." lol.

 

ultimately, they want you out. you have to trust that. and they want you out WITH a PhD. it doesn't look good for the program to not have a high graduation rate. and if they haven't kicked you out yet, they want to give you a PhD. but you have to do the work, at least the bare minimum to earn it. Trust me - professors don't like going to bad meetings nor do they like failing students. sounds like your advisor is stressed and i'm glad he is seeing that he shouldn't take it out on you. just trust in the process, work hard, and get out. once they call you Dr. Tinu, it will be worth it.

[LAYAAN]

Yes Annie. I'm hanging on, pressing forward.

[LAYAAN]

So, its that time of the year again when I have to shop for Christmas presents. I was thinking of some options

- Bake a big batch of fudge/butter cookies/ginger cookies, buy $1 cookie tins from Walmart, fill 'em up. As I have reviewed the recipes, I am having second thoughts about going this route. Preparation time, cooking time, ingredients... I don't know if its really worth it.

- Buy some holiday cookies, assorted chocolates, candy cane and fill up the cookie tin with these assortments.

- Buy several small tins of royal dansk Danish butter cookies for $3 each from Walmart and end the matter.

The cost and effort in first 2 options is stopping me from going ahead with it. I'm not a pro at baking. Last time I tried to bake ginger cookies, they turned out hard like rocks. Well, actually its because I was trying to make a healthy version of these cookies which is where I went wrong because I tried to substitute almost all main ingredients. That doesn't normally work so easy.

So, I'm more inclined towards buying these danish butter cookies. Wrapping a tin is not gonnabe fun.

[LAYAAN]

I recently bought a kabuki brush (target, some generic brand, about $6) and a powder foundation (Maybelline, about $7). I'm really very happy with the results. I top it off with some rice powder from Sally beauty supply (about $5). My foundation stayed on for rest of the day and felt so smooth, no patches, almost weightless. Of course, right kinda weather helps a lot. Now instead of rubbing that liquid goop on my face I'm going to glide on my powder foundation. It was a cloudy day today, really cold. Didn't feel like getting out of my bed. I wear make up especially when I'm down and discouraged. It really lifts up my mood.

[LAYAAN]

So, finally, after too much thinking I went to Costco and bought a 5lb danish butter cookie tin ($11). Went to dollar tree and bought 7 Christmas cookie tins ($1 each). Distributed cookies from the 5lb tin almost evenly into 7 small tins. Watched a youtube video on how to wrap odd sized objects. tissue paper ($1), wrapping paper ($1). Hurray! I saved a big bunch on Christmas gifts.

[Pkittie]

Wow...you are so creative and a doll at heart!

[LAYAAN]

I'm looking these days to see if I can start to blog. I want to upload photos. I can't do that here.

I uploaded pictures of 3 different kids' sweaters I finished on my gallery. Shared it with friends. I didn't share it with my mom. Just didn't feel like it. I know what her reaction is gonnabe. Why bother? Now I'm almost done with my 4th sweater. I was looking to start advanced patterns. So, I was searching online.

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I found this blog. Really beautiful pictures. Just love the way its put together!

 

I am going to cook today. Looking for some good recipes. My all time favorite websites.

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[LAYAAN]

Wow...you are so creative and a doll at heart!

Thanks dear! I try. That relieves the stress of school.

[LAYAAN]

I've been trying to read some articles and books related to this. Why? Because I don't know what I want out of my life. I have some faint feeling. But for the most part I'm not sure what I want.

You study, get a job, get married, get pregnant, have kids, keep working to pay off your loans, house, car, kids' education fees, get sick, die. What else is there to think about really? I would really like to know how many people consciously ask this Q "What makes me happy? What do *I* want to see happen in my life?" It amazes me when mundane answers surprise people who ask this Q. I come from a culture where you dont' ask what you want out of your life. Because there are pretty much no choices. If you want a job, you better pursue a field that offers jobs and will let you make money. If you don't money, you won't get married especially if you are a man. Money is supposed to bring you happiness, possibilities, etc. So everyone pursues the same thing. Whats there to ask? Whats there to think about it? Don't we all want the same thing?

Well, personally, I have not been able to take a firm decision because I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid to set out on a path that very few people take/have taken (even in this country). The problem is you can't have it all. Believe it or not age makes you think about stability, predictability, etc.

If I could have anything in my life, if I had no fear of failure these are certain things I would like to do -

- change my career, go into finances

- travel the world without getting into debt

- never have kids.

- work for humanitarian causes

 

I'm not so sure about the first one. Other 3, yes, I definitely feel very strong desire about other 3. I've never seen it go away, not yet at least.

 

Alright, so the path that I'm trying to take, which is arranged marriage is clearly very very very different and will never in hell allow me to achieve any of the above 4. Why am I on it then? Fears.

- Fear of ending up alone

- fear of failing to achieve any of the above 4 dreams.

- fear of giving up a stable, mundane, predictable, dependable life to get these and not being able to achieve these dreams either.

- not knowing how I'm even going to achieve any of these 4

 

I watched the interview of Oprah by Barbara Walters. She said "The reason why I never got married was because marriage brings expectations. I have been with my partner for last ... years, but had we been married we would be surely divorced. Had I had children, I would not have been able to do what I do or have done with the same intensity. I don't want my kids to come to me and ask "You did this to me. You were not there for me." I agree 100%. There are no two ways about it. Sure, women all over the world juggle kids, home, husband, job, career, personal life, but has anyone looked deeper into their hearts? I know that my mom wanted to finish law school and make something out of herself. Got married and her life changed.

I'm not suggesting that people shouldn't have kids, get married. My problem is death of dreams that comes with choosing this road. My problem is not being able to do anything other than a job, household chores, duties of a parent, a wife, that take over your life. Not suggesting that life should operate this way. There are a few honorable examples... rare. Its difficult to be a woman. I think its much easier to be a man instead.

[LAYAAN]

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"Try to remember that it’s not the end of the world if you get turned down for a date or if you flirt with someone and it isn’t reciprocated. The truth is that nine times out of ten, it isn’t even personal. While this may be a difficult thing for the ego to comprehend, think about times when the shoe might have been on the other foot. Chemistry is not usually negotiable. It is one of those either you have it or you don’t kind of things.

Keep in mind that dating is all about trial and error. You might luck out and get it right the first time around but more than likely, you’ll have to strike out a few times before you finally get to swing that elusive homerun."

 

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You're not going to win at everything you do, but that doesn't mean you have to look bad doing it. Those who can handle rejection and not lose a skip in their step, find themselves not losing very often, because they have learned to hold their heads high no matter what. It's important everyone learn this skill.

Nothing is going to change the fact you're awesome – unless you stop believing it's true. No one can make you feel bad – but yourself. So don't let any sort of rejection – big or small – rattle your confidence level. Remember, you can't be everyone's idea of a perfect match. That wouldn't be fair to everyone else. But be sure of this, the man or woman of your dreams is out there.

[LAYAAN]

How do you tell your mom that you are smart enough? good enough? and she should stop comparing you with the rest of the world constantly?

- My mom has this dead-set belief. You may be a PhD, but if you don't get a Bachelor in Engineering, you are not smart enough.

- When my mom was here, I talked to her about how she thinks that I'm a loser. She said to me "Don't think that you are successful. You are struggling. Remember that. That is not called success."

- I told her how I never got approval and support from her. Her reply "Whats the use of my praising you and calling you a success? Others need to call you successful. Not me. That's why I don't say anything about you to anyone, especially my relatives."

Me "What others think about me doesn't matter to me. It never did. All I craved for was your approval. I never got it. And mind you, others won't think a squat about me if you are constantly bashing me, calling me a loser, and comparing me to others. I hope you get that."

 

I looked up some help on this topic.

1) Something that I'm considering doing is calling her and telling her if she doesn't stop comparing me with other successful girls, she will not hear from me again.

2) Turn it around on her. My friend's mom is this. My friend's mom does this. You don't do this. You are not this. You are a loser. How about that?

 

People say I'm lucky, I never had to face sibling rivalry. Oh no... they are so wrong! My father's brother's family lived in the same big house as we did. They have 2 daughters and boy was I compared to them in every single area imaginable. Think about the most ridiculous areas like skin color and acne.

"You are not as fair as they are." (well, who are my parents?... what is their skin color?)

"They never get acne. You have acne scars."

Did I ask for acne from God? Did I ask God for this skin color? Who says something as ridiculous as that?

 

I'm gonna call my mom and tell her that I've had enough. She can adopt those that she constantly praises.

[annie24]

my mom is sort of like that too. it's hard, because our family should be our biggest supporters, and sometimes, they are our biggest detractors.

 

another thing to do is to let everything roll off your back. in one ear and out the other. if she starts in on her usual, tell her something is burning in the oven and you have to get off the phone. i think she is a sad, unhappy woman, and maybe really shouldn't be the one to judge what is success and happiness.

 

and so what - so what if she says, 'well, my neighbor's daughter got her MD at Harvard and now she is married and has 2 kids.' ok, so what?! how does that affect your life or your mother's life. it doesn't. it's just idle gossip.

[LAYAAN]

wow... how are you dealing with your mom Annie? I prefer to just avoid the topic altogether, or confront her. Needless to say I don't win.

[Pkittie]

Tinu, tell your mom when she makes petty comments esp related to looks etc...that LUCK is all that matters otherwise world's most beautiful women like Marilyn Monroe, Meena kumari, Parveen babi would not be commiting suicide...Looks is a depreciating asset while intelligence is an appreciating asset...In the end, all that matters is how you have lived your life!!!

[LAYAAN]

I calculated what I eat and I'm not eating enough.

My trainer told me, 4 servings of Protein, 3 servings of Carbohydrates, 2 servings of Fruit, 3 servings of vegetables in a day. So, I calculated calories.

 

3 servings of carbohydrates -

3 whole wheat bread slices (1 serving = 1 slice, 3 x 80 = 210 cal)

 

4 servings of proteins –

1 cup of raw liquid egg whites (serving size = 1/4th cup liquid egg white, 4 x 30 = 120 cal). Cooked with pepper and salt

 

2 servings of fruits -

1 banana (serving size = 1, cal = 121) + 1 apple (serving size = 1, cal = 80) + water + Splenda - all made into a smoothie

 

3 servings of vegetables -

1 can (14.5 Oz) diced tomatoes (1 serving = 1/2 cup, 3.5 servings in 1 can x 25 = 87.5 cal)

 

Total calories consumed in a day = 618.5

 

What? Seriously, this is not good. I'm left feeling hungry. I'm getting throbbing headaches. I don't understand where am I going wrong.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, tell your mom when she makes petty comments esp related to looks etc...that LUCK is all that matters otherwise world's most beautiful women like Marilyn Monroe, Meena kumari, Parveen babi would not be commiting suicide...Looks is a depreciating asset while intelligence is an appreciating asset...In the end, all that matters is how you have lived your life!!!

Sure, I can say that to her. It doesn't make much difference. Looks may be a depreciating asset, but it is a universal currency. You can make money using your looks. You can marry a rich guy using your looks.

[LAYAAN]

My neighbor did lemonade diet for 10 days and lost 8 pounds. I am not willing to do crash diet. So, I'm slowly easing into it. I'm drinking 20 Oz of lemonade from lemonade diet a day.

[LAYAAN]

Today, I received 2 good surprises. My boss called me and said, "I want to give you a delicious very healthy fruit and nut bread." Not only did that feel good, but the bread is very rich, loaded with fruits and nuts and boy it tastes very good. So, good that I had to ask him for the recipe.

The technician from a different lab asked me "Hey, have I given you candy for Christmas? Let me share some with you." He gave me about an 8 inch bag of home-made very very delicious peanut brittle.

 

The rains we have been having since last Thursday have caused so much havoc all through SoCal. I have been craving to see the sunshine so bad. Never have I felt this craving for sunshine and I did see the Sun for a while this morning. I felt so much better... I can't express. It was like sunshine of hope! The weather forecast is that the rains are tapering. Yes! wonderful! that's all I wanted to know. Who wants to go into Xmas with this wet, gloomy weather?... My Xmas shopping plans are ruined already due to rains and road closures

 

My lab was flooded today. Water leaking from many spots... benches drenched. We got most of the water out. I hope there is no leaking again.

[LAYAAN]

My 3rd surprise for the holidays! the neighbor that I helped got me a pack of body mist and body lotion (sweet pea from bath and body works) with a holiday card. wow... I didn't expect that at all. I told her she can save that money instead and a simple thank you would be enough for me. She didn't want to take it back. Sure, I will use it. I would not have gone out of my way to buy that. I know that for sure.

 

I was listening to a sermon today. The preacher said something today that I need to remind myself every day "You have no need to have an opinion on something that you have no responsibility of."

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu; you said your ex hacked your e-mail. Thought you might be interested in this thread:

 

 

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Marsh for this article. I appreciate your thinking about me.

Unfortunately dear, no rules apply to this guy because he is not in the US. He is in UK. I can't even press harassment charges against him. I can't do anything against him. He admitted to have been keeping an eye on my inbox without my knowledge in late 2005. But I have no proof of that. I wish I can email him the news article you sent. Sarah Palin pressed charges against a guy who accessed her email inbox, but you know both these parties are in the US. I have no record of any of this guy's activities.

[LAYAAN]

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Especially the last part struck me "If you knew exactly what the future held, you still wouldn't know how much you would like it when you got there," Gilbert says. In pursuing happiness, he suggests "we should have more trust in our own resilience and less confidence in our predictions about how we'll feel. We should be a bit more humble and a bit more brave."

[LAYAAN]

I copy pasted this warm, kind message by a poster "Wager"

"I think it sounds as though you are having a very rough time right now, and your feelings are likely exacerbated by the holidays, yes? I wish you every blessing in the coming New Year. Perhaps a partner will be among them, or something else equally fulfilling. Don't let gloom surround you and infiltrate your heart, color too greatly your thoughts. Things will look up. Hang in there."