Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Marsh, Thank you for your post # 1046. I agree. What you have written is so true. My friend from grad school and myself have had these discussions about "Am I happy doing what I'm doing?... If not, what will I do?"

Its interesting. I was talking to another grad student. He said that he has seen it very commonly among PhD students, those that are finishing up, they are confused about what road to take next.

But I agree with Annie. Many PhDs don't stay in traditional careers and that's okay. I'm glad you are doing what makes you happy career-wise. Believe it or not, professional women, if they are unhappy with their careers it affects them... just like it affects men. Career instability affects other areas of a professional woman's other life aspects too.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Penny. Yes, I agree with you. I have tried many times very hard to come up with a final solution, but I simply can't. I also did some reading and realized that your brain can perform only 1 task at-a-time and perform it well. So, yes, what you say is right. I can also understand a lot of what you mean by doing what you enjoy doing that makes all the pain worthwhile. I agree. One of the major reasons of why I didn't quit PhD was because I always had a reason for why I wanted to finish my PhD. I'm trying not to make any final decisions (in my heart, atleast) about what career path to choose, about where to live for the rest of my life. But as I mentioned before in one of my posts I'm trying to do some reading on my own, praying regularly, talking to many people (which can be a good and a bad thing... if I don't know how to sort through the information). I'm also keeping my options open in terms of career path.

About the exam... no, I didn't finish it yet. I was supposed to. My score in mock exam was too low for me to go ahead and take the real exam. So, I've to study some more. Take mocks again and only then go with the actual exam. If I fail in the actual exam, I can't take it for next 3 months and its $900 fee again.

[LAYAAN]

currently reading

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[LAYAAN]

currently reading

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[LAYAAN]

I wanted to make healthy pizza today. I got my car out (had parked it way far from my place... no parking in Fall quarter because the dorms are full). drove it a mile, the steering wheel got real stiff, the battery light came on. I was in the slowest lane so I could pull off to the right shoulder quickly. The serpentine belt is off. Got my car towed to the brake masters. I hate parking my car out somewhere like this. But I didn't want to get it towed again on Monday morning. So, I decided to just drop it off at the brake masters tonite. I hope it stays safe. My car keeps falling apart and keeps giving me trouble. I wish I could just get another car. But I don't want to invest money into another car until I know I'm staying here or leaving.

[penelope13]

I understand about wanting to save money and not invest it in something that you might not need longterm.

 

However, from my own experience: it is NOT good, beneficial for your emotional well being if you deprive yourself of things, because you don't know what you will be doing in the far distant future (when it's about emotional well being, putting things off for months or a year is far too long!).

 

Don't put your present time on hold, because you don't know what the future may hold.

 

When I was a student and had to move out of my dorm every few months, in the beginning I thought 'why waste time and money on decorating, since I will have to clear the room in a few months' - thus I spent more than a year in a sparsely decorated room. Of course I was not very happy in general. Then I realized it's really stupid to deprive myself of something that will give me pleasure on a daily basis, only because I am worried what might happen in the future.

[LAYAAN]

I hear you. I didn't decorate my dorm room because initially I wasn't sure that I would even pass all my classes. Then that phase was over, I wasn't sure that I would stay in the program or marry the UK guy, then that was over I wasn't sure that I would go through my PhD. So, I never decorated my room. My friend once said to me "You can't live in constant fear about what tomorrow might bring. Sometimes you have to just let go and live in the present. You are killing yourself today hoping that your tomorrow might be easier." True. I agree. I don't deny that. I need to feel safe today and I'm paying price for that. I always keep telling myself "You will be this age only once. Don't deprive yourself of small things. When do you think you will enjoy life?" I don't recommend living this way to anyone, but I have bigger expenses and hopefully better reasons.

 

I had to save money as I had to pay for endless number of pharmacy exams and study material, maintenance of my car (no matter what car you buy, you will pay either way for maintenance and insurance). I also had to save up for those instances when either I had to drive or fly to meet men (as in Chicago incidence... that trip cost me $700. Even if they come here to meet me, out of courtesy, I've to pick up the tab. If you have read my reply to Icraus's post. In arranged marriage your every move is observed. You can't hope that a guy will put in money to come see you and also pay for your dinner.) My pharmacy quest cost me some big bucks. Its ridiculous when you put it all together, you realize how much you have spent. Whether you like it or not, you have to keep paying. Nothing you can do about it.

 

Areas where I've let myself go and bigger expenses - I buy make up. I cook using as authentic ingredients as I can get. I have a personal trainer. I have been paying my copay out of my pocket for more than a year towards my accident-related health issues. We have not yet settled the case.

[LAYAAN]

I got myself a Xmas door knob hanger ($2) and an indoor/outdoor multi-color light set ($2), a tiny wreath ($1), less than 1 foot Xmas tree ($1) with 4 tiny ornaments ($1).

 

I want a pet so bad... I can't survive if I don't get a cat or dog. I'm watching a documentary on KCET, NATURE program "Why we love dogs and cats". I just want to run away and get myself a cat. I just learned something new today. There is international cat association and they have cat shows and there is cat agility tournament.

[LAYAAN]

was reading something.

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"What I would like to do is suggest an alternative way of seeing the situation, or at least the situations that lead to the crunch point. As we all know, when the crunch/ revelation happens we are usually very confused uttering things such as 'how could they, how dare they, if only I'd known' etc etc etc.

This moment of disorientation is the moment when we realize our expectations have been dashed. Ask yourself 'who owns the expectations?' - well of course YOU, and very often expectations are based on assumptions that began as very innocent and simple beliefs and we've simply added to them as time has gone by until we've duped ourselves into believing they hold some real substance.

One way to avoid being taken advantage of is to stop believing your expectations of others. This doesn't mean stop dreaming, and aspiring, it means thinking critically (i.e.testing for evidence) about the expectations you hold.

So, how do you avoid friends taking advantage of you? Scarcity is a good thing, make sure they ask for your help/advice/ opinion, more than once before you give it. In giving it don't expect anything in return you have made a conscious decision so live with it. If a pattern emerges - believe the pattern not your expectations and act on it.

How do you stop people taking advantage of you? - simple don't let them."

 

"Two suggestions.

(i) Be conscious of the 'norms' you set, the expectations you signal in the first place. Lending once doesn't mean you must lend twice.

(ii)If its valuable to you make sure everyone understands how 'scarce' it is."

[LAYAAN]

A girl from the dorm wanted me to give her a ride yesterday to the train station. I didn't. I didn't say yes/no. I said I will look into my schedule and will get back to her. My car broke down last evening and I hope that I can get it fixed. I'm proud of myself for not giving in this time. This is the 2nd time I have said no to her.

[LAYAAN]

I went and got my car fixed today. $170 gone in an hour.

Turns out the brake oil pump is also leaking and that is even costlier. I asked the guy "How long I can stretch without taking care of the brake oil thing?" He said "a couple of months, but I won't recommend you to push it further than that. Its about brakes. Your brakes may fail" I dont' know what to do... if I should sell my car and buy a better car now or just keep putting money into my car to keep it in running condition. Someone in the dorm is selling 2009 Toyota for 11,500.

Interestingly, no matter how much money I put into this car, I won't get any higher price for it according to the kelley blue book. The logic behind it is "It doesn't matter how much you spend on car maintenance. You do it to keep your car in good/excellent condition and depending on the car's condition, make, year, mileage the car's price is decided. So, don't be fooled by this idea 'Oh, I just installed new tires yesterday, I will get $500 more for my car. That's not true." Really... if this is the story then I really am not interested in doing anything to my car anymore.

[LAYAAN]

Why? Why? Why? The UK-ex emailed me on my school account. "How are you doing? I'm a chief engineer now. You were angry with me last time we talked. I hope your PhD is finished now. I've a very good job now. My son looks exactly like me. You must have seen his pictures on my facebook page. You are my very good friend and I hope you think about me the same way. I want to get back in touch with you."

I want to kill myself today. Here I'm with no degree, no job, no family. At times I wonder if I made a mistake by saying no to him. I could have had a better life, may be, with him. I don't know. What am I going to reply him? That I'm on the verge of killing myself due to every single thing that is going wrong in my life?

 

I feel like I'm such a loser. I have no degree, no marriage, no family, no job. Why am I even alive? Why am I going through all this? I have no hope that anything in my life will change. 2 men just turned me down... what's new? Why am I even alive? What am I hoping for? I hate my life... I hate myself... I hate my decisions... I just want to die, but I'm such a loser that I may not even die in 1st attempt. I would try to commit suicide and end up with something else instead.

[annie24]

hugs. hang in there. keep going. you will feel so much better. your phd is almost done!!!

[marshmlofluff]

What am I going to reply him?

 

Nothing at all, I'd say. What an obnoxious message; he is trying to make you feel bad, and regret that you left him. And he is succeeding.

 

Many people have no PhD, no marriage, no family, and no job. Would you say to those people that they have no reason to live, and that they should kill themselves?

 

Why be so much more critical of ourselves than we are of other people?

[annie24]

I agree, i thought his email was obnoxious as well. I don't know if you cut and paste it, or you summarized it for us. in any case, i don't think it's appropriate for him to be contacting his ex (you) if he is so happy in his married life.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie and Marsh. No, I didn't exactly copy-pasted it, but the message is pretty-much the same. I changed my phone numbers to get away from this guy. I changed my personal emails. He still has control over my 1st email ID that he hacked. I can't ever get back that email account of mine. He has changed the security Qs and I can't prove that I once had that email account. He emails me on my school email account always. Everytime he changes his email ID he sends me an email from. Everytime I block it, again its some new email ID.

[annie24]

wow, sounds like a real jerk!!!! just keep blocking him.

 

tell me - how happy is he with his wife and son if he has nothing better to do with his time than to harass you?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, doesn't seem very happy to me. But I just want to be left alone. I talked to him 3 years ago and told him the same thing. "You are married, move on. I don't want to stay in touch with you." But no... he doesn't want to.

[annie24]

so, continue no contact, keep deleting his emails and blocking his address. one day you will not be a student anymore and you will have a new email address. and he's won't know it.

[marshmlofluff]

Yes, doesn't seem very happy to me. But I just want to be left alone. I talked to him 3 years ago and told him the same thing. "You are married, move on. I don't want to stay in touch with you." But no... he doesn't want to.

 

I wonder how his wife would feel if she knew he was stalking you. If he keeps harassing you, maybe at some point she should find out.

 

And yes--what Annie said. Once you are done your PhD, if you do not work in academia or government, you are not in all kinds of online directories. You can be much more anonymous online, and your ex will have a much harder time finding you.

 

By the way, that is pretty crazy that you cannot get access to your own e-mail account. It sounds like your ex did something illegal.

 

Unfortunately the big free e-mail services (Yahoo, GMail, Hotmail) probably are not very responsive. Nonetheless, have you tried contacting the section of the e-mail provider that handles abuse and identity theft, and explaining the situation and that someone is impersonating you?

[LAYAAN]

I wonder how his wife would feel if she knew he was stalking you. If he keeps harassing you, maybe at some point she should find out.

According to him, she knows already and she is in agreement with that (not the stalking part, but staying in touch part whatever that means). A week after his wedding he called me 5am UK time, to introduce his wife to me. I was in shock. I was sobbing on phone. I'm sure she could hear that in my voice. She asked me "Why are you not talking to me?" Remember Marsh what you told me about marrying a man and getting my green card through him? You pointed it out to me that its not an equal marriage and instead of doing something like that, you suggested that I should rather go back to India. Well, this woman has only some bachelors in commerce. She married this guy, came to UK with him, conceived within a year into marriage, now they have a son. She has no voice in that marriage. I'm sure he married her because he can control her. He tried to control me as well. He told me on phone that he has made it clear to her that he wants to stay in touch with me and she is okay with it. She has also made it clear to him that she wants to stay in touch with her ex and she used to call her ex (in India) from his phone (in UK, after their marriage) and he is okay with that. When he shared this with me. I said "Listen, how you run your marriage is none of my business. But I want to make it clear that I do not want to stay in touch with you." To which his response was "I'm going to keep tabs on you to see who you marry. You let me go because you think you can cut a better deal than me. I want to see who/what you end up with." I'm telling you that girl has no voice in that marriage. He purposely chose an average looking woman, with pretty much no education, so he can control her. He calls me from his office phone. He emails me from his company email ID. She is probably a naive woman who thinks her husband is madly in love with her. This is one of the reasons why I never called him back because I don't want to leave any traces that *I* am fueling his infidelity. I WILL NOT be the other woman. I am a good person and I deserve to get a man to marry me and commit to me. I don't need to be someone's mistress. If there is no marriage in my destiny, that is okay, but I refuse to be treated as a mistress.

 

And yes--what Annie said. Once you are done your PhD, if you do not work in academia or government, you are not in all kinds of online directories. You can be much more anonymous online, and your ex will have a much harder time finding you.

I hope so. I'm on linked in. He has already sent me multiple requests there and I have denied each one of them.

 

By the way, that is pretty crazy that you cannot get access to your own e-mail account. It sounds like your ex did something illegal. Unfortunately the big free e-mail services (Yahoo, GMail, Hotmail) probably are not very responsive. Nonetheless, have you tried contacting the section of the e-mail provider that handles abuse and identity theft, and explaining the situation and that someone is impersonating you?

I didn't try this approach. I will try it definitely. Thanks for suggesting that.

[annie24]

he sounds awful!!! you are very lucky you did not marry him. what about just deleting his emails without reading them? there is nothing there of interest to you.

[LAYAAN]

I'm really lucky that I didn't marry him. I would have broken up with him sooner if I had found ENA before when I was with him, but thank God I didn't marry him despite all the pressures he put on me. It was a very difficult decision for me to not marry him. Honestly, I turned into a person that I could not recognize. I became so emotionally dependent on him that I simply could not tolerate the idea of being on my own. When I look back at those days of my life... I wonder what happened to me?...

 

Yes, I can simply delete those emails without reading them. That's possible, but I prefer to read, not because I want to know what he is upto, but because I'm always afraid of what his next move is going to be. Also, I need to know the email ID so I can put it in the filter of my personal emails so his emails stay away from my personal email box.

[LAYAAN]

So, this holiday season. I'm doing some charity work and I'm excited about that. Something for kids and elderly people, and animals too.

[LAYAAN]

So, I was browsing through a ton of videos on youtube for make up and I started wondering about how much women on average must be spending on make up in this country.

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I even found an article. Quite impressive. On an average $100/month. I don't know what exactly is counted in this survey as "makeup products" versus "grooming/personal health products." That's quite a bit for an average US woman to spend.

 

I'm fascinated by how even common women here know how to wear makeup. I'm fascinated by how affordable (well, depends on what and where you buy) and accessible makeup products here are. Either I was ignorant or such stores simply didn't exist when I was in India about 10 years ago. Very few (if at all) of my friends wore any noticeable makeup in everyday life. Even in grad school here, none of my friends wear makeup, but that's only grad school. In all other schools, including medical school, girls wear makeup, not over the top, but little something. I think that's great. That's why cosmetics market is bigger in this country than in India... even if the population is lesser.