Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I was hoping to go on a 10-mile hike today. I decided not to. It would be an all-day event with 2 hours driving each way, 5 hours for hiking. I would be dead after coming back.

My friend asked me for a ride. Today is the 1st time I said no to her. I have been seeing a pattern in her behavior in terms of asking for ride on a regular basis. I don't mind if its somewhere closeby. I am just not interested in driving 45 min each way to help someone. I've done enough charity. Honestly, I'm proud of myself for saying no. I am too nice at times. I'm an easy push-over especially if friends request me something. I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to feel miserable after saying yes to anyone.

Today is the 1st time I said no to this friend. I told her "I have to go to my friend's place which is in opposite direction to this location. If this was closer, I could easily take the exit to 60 and go to my friend's place. I just don't want to be driving long after driving for 4 hours in mad traffic just a couple of days ago."

For the knitting club, I contacted some sellers that are selling knitting yarn for dirt cheap price. I initiated the contact with these people, but then I forwarded it to the girl who makes the final decision. Previously, I would act as a messenger and get slapped from both sides. No more. I also didn't push her to buy the yarn because its so cheap. I just forwarded the message, contact information, highlighted the prices and left it at that. She doesn't like the colors so she isn't going to buy. I'm not going to do any follow-up and waste my time and energy.

I'm proud of myself for saying no today and not taking additional responsibility in previous email communications. I need to become more assertive. The first step to being more assertive is to be confident in who you are and not be a people-pleaser anymore. Its okay to say no at times. Its okay to be selfish. I've done enough charity work. My counselor said to me once "You will have a tough time in marriage if you dont' learn to speak your mind in a proper way." I want to take that advice seriously and I want to work on it.. slowly, but surely.

[LAYAAN]

I didn't shop for thanksgiving or even today. My mom was here. We talked about what I should be doing. My mom wants me to finish up school and simply go back to India. Its hard to say that I will do that but honestly after all that I have gone through here, in personal and professional life... I want to think more openly about going back to India after graduation. I never thought after working my butt off here to get pharmacy license and to get a PhD, I would consider going back. I used to laugh at that thought... but here I'm today, considering it very seriously. I never expected to feel calm about that decision, but for some reason... I'm not resisting the idea. I'm thinking about it more positively.

With that idea in my mind, I'm not buying anything new here. I'm only buying vegetables, not even spices. I've decided to use up whatever I've left.

[LAYAAN]

I just want to finish my program and leave. I do not want to stay here another day. Its so hard to look at all the happy families around Christmas time and not wonder what the heck is wrong with you that you can't find love? I may not be able to get married even in India, but for 10 or more years I will at least be with my parents, I will be in my home country without any visa issues.

I need to gather courage and push through these last 6-7 months. I want to pack up and leave and hope to never turn back.

I have never been this lonely in my life so far. I have no motivation to live in the US anymore. I just want to go back.

[annie24]

Finish, finish, finish! I am so much happier now that it's over!!! U can do it too!!!

[LAYAAN]

I found this forum "link removed". If anyone wants to follow my responses there.

link removed

 

I guess I really am destined to go back. So many years, I looked around, hoping to get some help...people who would understand my unique situation in terms of culture and visa issues. Recently, I sat down to google some help on "return to India or stay in the US" and I found this forum. I really appreciate it. I got some good advice on that forum regarding the possibility of going back.

[LAYAAN]

Finish, finish, finish! I am so much happier now that it's over!!! U can do it too!!!

Thank you Annie. Your posts are always so encouraging!

Congratulations to you on finishing up your PhD. It must be such a great feeling!

[annie24]

tinu - i think you should follow your heart. what do YOU want to do?? you don't have to make a permanent decision now, one way or another. you can choose to work in the us for a few more years before returning to india, or you can choose to go back to india for a while to relax, and then return to the US. ultimately, it is your life, and you shouldn't feel pressured by your parents to do something that won't make you happy. you are having a hard enough time as it is. maybe right now, just finish, and worry about the next step later?

[penelope13]

Tinu, I read through your other thread. Yes, there are a lot of helpful things on that site from people who share some other aspects of your life for you to think about.

 

However, like Annie, I highly recommend that you solely focus on finishing your PhD before making ANY kind of important and life altering decisions.

 

From all your posts it simply sounds to me that you just want to escape and not have to make decisions, not being in the unknown etc.

 

That's understandable.

 

Just take our word for it (we have been through this also): things will get better/ look better/ will appear more solvable as soon as you have your PhD.

 

Having read your journal for quite some time, I would not want to venture a guess what your main goal and aspirations for life really are.

You are so preoccupied with thoughts of how to escape a difficult situation, that I am not even sure if you know yourself what it is ultimately that you really want for yourself, not as an escape, but in an ideal scenario. What it is that motivates you to get up in the morning, what it is that makes you smile.

 

Give yourself the opportunity to find out what you want, before making a decision that might be very difficult to overturn a few years down the road.

[LAYAAN]

Penny and Annie, thank you for your replies. I want to write more about this. I've been talking to Indians on the forum, praying hard, talking to my parents, doing some soul-searching.... but I will write more about this.

I don't know what I want... I agree. I have some faint feeling, but because I dont' know for sure what is it that I want... its very difficult to decide a path in life.

[Batya33]

Reminds me of a favorite song by Rush "if you choose not to decide,you still have made a choice". I made that choice for too many years to count. Then I took the plunge and made some big changes all at once. I thought it would freak me out. Truth is choosing indecision was a far freakier way for me to live.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree. I'm an indecisive person. I don't like to take decisions. I am mostly confused about many things in life and decision making is a tough emotional and intellectual process for me. But I have learned the hard way that there are times when you must decide to go this way or that way. Sure, its hard to make up your mind, but its necessary.

[LAYAAN]

I'm trying to hang in there today. I've already submitted the responses to the reviewers' comments to my boss. I'm praying that he likes those and we can send 'em ASAP and if God is willing be done with it. My boss is working hard on that, and at times getting in a bad mood and showing it. I'm trying to take it all in and stay positive.

I don't know, since last few days, I have been getting bad headache every single day. I worked out hard yesterday. I couldn't do anything in the evening... got a headache again and came home and crashed into bed.

I'm having a hard day today... my so called friend just walked in front of me and didnt' even stop to say a word. Ever since month of June, the girl in next door lab has completed stopped talking to me because I complained about her to her boss and our common friend has since then gotten a bad attitude too. I didn't say anything to her. Why should she behave this way with me? I told myself today that really... these friends are less of a friend and more of an annoyance. You ask them to help you, they are nowhere to be found. They are ready to fight, argue with you and gossip about you. I need to learn to stop expecting stuff from people that can never provide that to me. Getting true friends in grad school is so hard.

[annie24]

hey - at least that girl stopped talking to you!!! i would have thought you would be pleased!!

 

hang in there.

[marshmlofluff]

I found this forum "link removed". If anyone wants to follow my responses there.

link removed

 

I guess I really am destined to go back. So many years, I looked around, hoping to get some help...people who would understand my unique situation in terms of culture and visa issues. Recently, I sat down to google some help on "return to India or stay in the US" and I found this forum. I really appreciate it. I got some good advice on that forum regarding the possibility of going back.

 

One vote for going back. You have so much there; family, property, etc., and nothing here. Your parents are there. Probably you have old friends there. Those things are all important; they are even more important if you are single.

 

Based on my parents' experience, it seems to me that unless you are really business-minded, life can be extremely difficult for the first generation in the US, and also extremely lonely. I am in the second generation and even so, I feel the absence of family terribly, and it hurts. It stunk to grow up without my grandmothers, uncles, aunts, etc. Granted things are slightly better now with phone cards and webcam, but still. It's hard to be foreign and "weird"; it's hard to live in a country where you are the only person you know who doesn't celebrate . And the thing is, you don't need to fight that battle; you can have a very good life without doing so. My mom has never stopped wishing that she had stayed in India--and I agree, she would have been far happier there, surrounded by family.

 

Tinu, you are a very brave woman; I don't think that if you go back to India you should feel like you quit or caved in to pressure or something. If you choose to go back, that is an entirely reasonable decision. I said a few months ago in this thread, before you started thinking about going back, that I think you could potentially have a much better life if you returned, and I still feel that way.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you very much Marsh for your reply. Yes, I remember your saying that instead of marrying whoever here its better for me to go back. Also, what you mentioned about being "business-minded" is also very true. Some of the posters on R2I forums said the same thing. Not business-minded exactly, but having a practical/logical/non-emotional mindset works better if you wanna stay back in the US and make it work.

 

Visa issues add another and sometimes a very important dimension to marriage and husband search. Can you imagine choosing a man that you would have never chosen otherwise for marriage just so you can stay in this country? Yes, I get tempted too. I have written in my prayer journal multiple times. Help me God to always do the right thing and stay on your path no matter how hard it is. Help me not run after a citizen hoping that my life will be easier. A poster their wrote "Your visa carries no meaning if your dreams are muddled." I have been meditating on this. How true!

 

When my mom was visiting me she said "You were never this miserable in India. What happened to you? You look tired all the time, you are overweight." United States of Anxiety (USA) that's what happened to me. I don't know if it was a good thing for me to be here or not. I'm choosing to see it in a positive light. I learned to survive on my own. I learned to stand up for my own. Yes, its still difficult for me. I take a lot of nonsense on before I finally speak up. I've to continue working on building a strong, confident personality. But I'm glad to have taken some steps in that direction.

 

Marriage has always been an issue. I had challenges while in India and the challenges that I faced here... better not to say much about it. I'm keeping an open mind about going back to India. If I've to do it... I should do it sooner than later. Of course, I plan on finishing my education before I go back. Presently, I'm gathering information, talking to people, praying regularly, and I'm now using money more cautiously than ever before. I don't want to waste time trying to make things work here if I really am destined to go back and be happy there instead.

[annie24]

i wonder what part of that is this unhappiness is just living in the us, and what part is just the stress and anxiety of grad school.

 

in any case, it sounds like marshmellow has some good insight into this issue. but remember - you don't need to make a decision right now. nor does your decision have to be permanent, one way or another.

[LAYAAN]

hmm... true. Major part is grad school. Once its over, I hope things will be different. You, marsh, Penny and my friend have all said that it gets better once you finish. I'm pushing on. I need to finish this degree either way whether I choose to stay here or go back.

[penelope13]

How is the revision of your paper going?

[marshmlofluff]

Yes, life gets massively better when you finish your PhD.

 

Though even after finishing, I have to say that I still went through some difficult times. And on a smaller scale, I also decided I was fed up; I packed my bags and went home. I was not in a different country from my parents, but I was in a situation that wasn't too different; I was living in the rural countryside as a professor. I was alone, my parents were alone; I was far from my friends, family, etc. in a rural area where my politics, religion, etc. were all very far from the norm.

 

I asked myself--what was the point of fighting and fighting and suffering so I could keep studying an esoteric field that nobody--including me--cared about? And I decided there wasn't one. I'd gotten a faculty position; I'd built a moderately successful career. I had broken all kinds of glass ceilings and gone into a super-technical field that is something like 9% women (if that). I'd done what I set out to do, and what I had wanted to do once, when I was seventeen.

 

And then the small voice that I had squashed all these years said to me "Fluff, you have done what your 17 year old self wanted to do. Now maybe after all these years of suffering, isn't it time to do something that makes you happy?" So I did. I quit my job, found a new one in a totally unrelated field, shocked a lot of people, and made a lot of people very angry. I went back to the city, am near my family, and have been exponentially happier ever since.

 

You can be a fighter, but you have to decide which battles are worth fighting. Sometimes courage means walking away.

[LAYAAN]

How is the revision of your paper going?

I have turned in my responses to my boss. I'm working on the other paper in the mean time.

[annie24]

marshmellow - everything you say is really interesting. i'm on an organization committee for a 'life science career day' at my university for life science PhDs. we bring in people with a phd, and have them talk about their job and how they got there. many people didn't take a 'linear path' to their job. a lot switched fields or realized that their career wasn't the right one for them so they did something else, something maybe untraditional. but they are happy with it. ultimately, you have to make YOU happy, and find what work you like to do and what makes you happy. i am glad you are liking your new career!

[marshmlofluff]

marshmellow - everything you say is really interesting. i'm on an organization committee for a 'life science career day' at my university for life science PhDs. we bring in people with a phd, and have them talk about their job and how they got there. many people didn't take a 'linear path' to their job. a lot switched fields or realized that their career wasn't the right one for them so they did something else, something maybe untraditional. but they are happy with it. ultimately, you have to make YOU happy, and find what work you like to do and what makes you happy. i am glad you are liking your new career!

 

Thanks Annie! I think career days like that are so valuable. Academia can be an echo chamber; when you are a PhD student/postdoc you are surrounded by other academics, and thus it is easy to lose perspective and think there is only one career path that equals "success." Many universities really don't make students aware of non-academic opportunities, which is a shame.

 

Tinu, so you have two more papers pending? I only knew about the one...that is neat.

[LAYAAN]

Marsh, Thank you for your post # 1046. I agree. What you have written is so true. My friend from grad school and myself have had these discussions about "Am I happy doing what I'm doing?... If not, what will I do?"

Its interesting. I was talking to another grad student.

[penelope13]

Tinu, on one side it's good that you are trying to find answers to a lot of questions, however I can only emphasize, while you are in a continuous situation of stress (such as obtaining your PhD), there seems to be a sort of filter in your brain that doesn't allow you to see other situations completely removed from those negative emotions/ thoughts.

 

Once you are through the situation, the filter will be removed and you will start seeing things in a different/ more unbiased light.

 

I can't suggest what is the right thing for you to do, but I can relate in many ways. I am currently really struggling with visa issues, so I understand the question of "should I stay or go back". What makes it easier for me to deal, and what I highly recommend you try to figure out is: I absolutely love my job and what I am doing, thus every challenge that I am facing I know why I am going through this, why I put up with this struggle. I know this is the right place for me and this is the thing I want to do.

 

Once you find out what truly motivates you, you will be able to put up with a lot of struggles/ obstacles. However if you don't really know why you are doing what you are doing, why you are where you are - then any of these obstacles can become overwhelming.

 

Since it is in your best interest, no matter what you do afterwards, to finish your Phd, I would do anything to solely focus on this, remove anything from your life which will make it harder for you to concentrate or that robs you of more energy.

 

Postpone any big decisions till you know for sure that the PhD is happening, i.e. for now focus on writing all your papers, writing your thesis, doing all the admin things required to defend.

 

I assume by now you are finished with your pharma exams?

[LAYAAN]

There is/was a guy in my school. He is about my age, might be even younger, extraordinarily handsome man, has an MD and a PhD (recently graduated) and a Christian (What? isn't that too much good stuff together?). I am too afraid to approach him and tell him that I really really really would like to get to know him. What did I do all these years? Well, many years it was hard for me to see him work 2 doors down my lab and not get all scatterbrained just at his sight.

Turns out... my whole system reacts the same way still when I see him. I saw him yesterday at the gas station... right by my side... I almost ran out of gas (literally and figuratively). I had just worked out, was coming back from my trainer, and my hair (I'm sure) was going in all possible directions. I'm sure my whole demeanor could tell him that all centers in my brain had just gone on a short break and I was struggling to keep it together. I couldn't talk straight, couldn't find my card, dropped my keys.... all that. I'm sure I must have blurted out something stupid as well. I am trying hard to recollect pieces from our conversation. I don't remember much. After he left, I sat in my car replaying the whole incidence in my mind... what just happened!!! Dr. T and I standing so close to each other??? he even talked to me for some good 10-15 minutes??? I forgot that there were people behind me. Finally started the car. I felt like I was driving in the clouds or something... suddenly noticed the trees had so pretty fall colors. Were those trees always there? the traffic didn't bother me... the noise didn't bother me.... I turned the radio on. FM 103.5 John Elton was on "Can you feel the love tonite?" I remember nothing else from yesterday. I don't want to remember anything.