Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, try not to be too stressed about your mom's visit. Maybe she'll surprise you ... and the visit will go off better than you expected ...?

I'm trying to stay calm. Thank you for your reply, but you don't know my mom. I'm just waiting for her to start complaining. I'm taking my anti-anxiety pills religiously since I got to know she will be coming. I'm doing as much as possible to give her little chance to say something. But I know its gonna happen. We are gonnabe discussing important and sensitive topics. I just hope that neighbors dont' get disturbed. I hope that I don't raise my voice.

[penelope13]

I know, easier said than done: don't let her get to you. You know she wants to talk, so you won't be surprised, you know that you probably don't like what she has to say, so focus on how you want to react to her, rather than how you will 'feel'. Remember what I said: just let her talk, don't try to argue with her or convince her. The less you contradict, the sooner she'll stop. Then take a break from her and try to analyze/ prepare your response without any emotions getting in the way of your analysis. If you feel there is something you need to tell her, do it on your terms, when you feel ready, after you thought about it for some time, not in response to her.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Penny, you are right. Your reply is so precise! I'm telling myself "don't react to her. Just let her say whatever she needs to say."

I'm back from the airport. Was a hard and long drive both ways. Don't want to do that again.

My mom has gotten considerably thin... to a point that I just kept staring at her. Well, but her nature really hasn't changed much. She said to me "You have gained so much weight, you look like a lady in her 40s, with 2 kids. You need to lose this weight. Your cousin sister is your age and with a stressful marriage and a child, she is still slim... just the way she was before she got married."

My room was cluttered according to her. She thinks it looks like garage. She didn't like the food I cooked. The food wasn't warm enough. I added something (powdered fenugreek seeds) more than optimum that made daal taste a little bitter. According to her the pressure cooker had too much water at the bottom and I have completely forgotten how to cook Indian food.

She is sleeping now. I'm in the lab working.

I talked to my PI before I left for the airport. He said "I'm glad that your family is coming here. I don't mean to spoil the fun, but you need to take care of your business. Your mom is staying with you, she is going to have some time adjusting to different timezone. Don't let that bother you. You come here and get your stuff done."

Yes, he is right. I agree. I've to stay focused on my work. I'm going to show her the local library, give her bus schedule, map, money, and send her off. Let her go wherever she wants to go. I have given her a cell phone too.

I really just need to turn a deaf ear to her comments and stay focused on my work.

 

Calm down! stay focused. You are not as bad-looking or heavy as your mom thinks you are. Hang in there. Control your mouth. Control what you want to say to her. Remember, your studies and your response to the reviewers is more important than anything else at this time.

[Ellie2006]

Ach, your mom was way too harsh

But Penny is right. As hard as it may be, you can't let her deter you from your track.

 

How long is she staying? Will you have to take her sightseeing or does she know other people in your area to visit?

I dont think you can (or even should) escape to your office/lab all the time.

She has flown all that way to say her piece (about your return to India, marriage issues, etc), and she *will* find a time and place to say what she's come to tell you face to face.

 

Maybe the best thing you can do is to hear her out. and resist the urge to respond. I dont think she is necessarily prepared to talk to you rationally about these issues anyhow. So hear her out. Maybe after she feels as though she's "vented," she will let up a bit.

 

Also maybe you can tell her that you have a clear course of action set for YOUR life. Maybe she's upset bc she worries that you may have lost your way. So as long as you are able to reassure her that you know what you are doing, and you strongly believe what you're doing right now is right for you, she'll feel more .... comforted (?), even though your way may differ from hers.

 

And you may consider telling her how she's hurting you through her criticism. Sometimes, family members think that they are telling you things for your own good that no one else will tell you, for fear of offending you. Sometimes they are surprised when confronted with the knowledge that their words have actually hurt you. Maybe if she knows how you're hurt by her words, she'll ease up a bit?

 

And if you are up for it, maybe you can keep busy by doing touristy things around your area: show her around campus, around your city, around your state, around near-by states, etc. Try to cut down on alone time with your mom. I hardly think she'd be inclined to (verbally) attack you in public.

 

Finally, I do think you should perhaps try to be more compassionate towards your mom. Obviously, things have been difficult for her and this is wearing her down (physically and emotionally). Think of it this way: do happy and content people attack others? No. People who are unhappy and feel out of control in their own lives tend to pounce on others.

 

Ultimately, remind yourself that you are the stronger one. You have the upper hand in this exchange. There's nothing really that she CAN do, is there? So take comfort in that and maybe you can be more patient about her outbursts.

 

Good luck and remember to keep your cool

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Ellie.

We talked yesterday about some issues. She was calm and logical. I have to think about some of the things she suggested.

[penelope13]

Oh great. I am glad that things are going better than you feared.

 

See, the anticipatory anxiety is always worse than the actual situation really warrants.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Penny. We talked today as well. I will be writing more about it. I expected worse. My mom was very calm, collected, gave some practical advice, did not force me at all. She said she has come to talk to me. There are some bank related documents that she also wants me to sign. So, that's okay. She wants me to complete my doctoral education first. She was clear about that. But she wants me to rethink my decision of staying put in the US.

[penelope13]

Great. I hope you can enjoy the company of your mom now.

[LAYAAN]

Today is not a good day.

I'm fasting for religious reasons. Mom and I have been arguing back and forth since the weekend. I wanted to get out of house early to go to work. Now my mom suddenly wants to cook. I have to watch her because she can't operate many gadgets.

We just shared some hot words. hate it hate it... what a great start of a work week! Just an hour into a new week and I feel out of control already. Really, it should not be this way. I try to maintain my peace so much and now this. I get angry at myself when this happens.

My passport has been renewed without any hassle. At least that's a positive news.

[annie24]

I think it's important that you work so that you and your mom can get some much needed time apart and that you get some work done of course!!

 

I am sorry tinu - how long is she staying?

 

About your yarn, I was thinking, maybe you and the other women in the knitting club should approach some local stores officially, say it is a non-profit organization, you are knitting sweaters to be donated to a childrens' charity. and if they can offer you any yarn for free or for a low price. it is worth asking!!

[penelope13]

What did you fight about? And who started to fight?

[Ariel85]

Tinu - how goes the dating battle these days?

[LAYAAN]

Tinu - how goes the dating battle these days?

Nothing is happening on that front my friend. After the Chicago incidence I was so down and discouraged that I simply closed the account on the matrimonial site. I'm tired of getting humiliated and rejected over n over. I have no faith in men in general. The very thought of standing in front of another man n faking a smile brings me to tears.

[LAYAAN]

I think it's important that you work so that you and your mom can get some much needed time apart and that you get some work done of course!!

I am sorry tinu - how long is she staying?

About your yarn, I was thinking, maybe you and the other women in the knitting club should approach some local stores officially, say it is a non-profit organization, you are knitting sweaters to be donated to a childrens' charity. and if they can offer you any yarn for free or for a low price. it is worth asking!!

Oh yes, I did go to work. I stayed until about 7 pm. Got a lot of work done. She will be going back in another week. Next Tuesday.

Thank you for your suggestion. I've been asking different stores too. Did I tell you that a seller from ebay donated 2 boxes of yarn to us? That was really kind of her to do that.

[LAYAAN]

What did you fight about? And who started to fight?

I started the fight. Guess, it was combination of lack of sleep (due to sleeping on a hard floor inside a sleeping bag), wanting to start my day early and finish it early, financial pressure, not knowing what's happening with my passport, but mainly plain inability to control myself at times. I'm used to living alone for last 6 years. I'm not used to having someone in my space constantly. Especially when I have 10 different things on my mind, I don't want to think about anything else. I somehow managed to get up at 7am, didn't get a good night's sleep (went outside, slept on couch, started getting cold there, came back to my sleeping bag). I haven't been paid for last month. There are financial issues with the account I was getting my stipend from. Long story... so I had to check up on my bank account and make sure that it had enough money that the credit card payment would still go through. I wanted to come early to work so its calm and I could write my response to the reviewers. My mom wanted to cook. Alright, why didn't you tell me that the moment I got up? I showed her several times how to use the electric stove. She prefers that I'm around while she cooks (which I can understand), but I have work to do and I need peace of mind.

Noone to blame for losing self-control, but myself. I feel bad for sharing angry words. I didn't mean to. She will be leaving next week. I told her I had too many things on my mind yesterday and the last I needed was to stick around while she cooked. The arguing on weekend was about how some of my maternal relatives have treated me and how my mom didn't protected me or said anything to her relatives about their act, dad's not keeping well, the court cases are still pending, very frustrating. I will be writing more about it in my journal. I have been seeking some guidance from an online group of Indians in the US. I'm very happy to have found a group where people understand my unique situation as a foreign student, visa, cultural issues. My parents want me to wrap up my PhD and return to India and they want me to tell them yes or no so they can move ahead with their financial planning. I told my mom that its a lot to think about and decide and I am thinking positively about going back to India for good, but I need some time to take everything into account and then act on it.

[penelope13]

I understand that you are hurt and angry about how your relatives treated you and how your parents were not there to defend you.

 

However, you have to deal with these feelings yourself. Especially if you want to go back to India. There are many things in a childhood that can go wrong and where we have been wronged. But when we are adults, we are responsible for working through those scars and letting go of those emotions.

 

Something else to think about: I think it's good that you are taking a break from dating. Considering that your mother is an important and emotionally close person to you, yet you have trouble spending so much time in close proximity, I seriously can't believe that the arranged marriage route, where you quickly decide to get married, live together, before you actually know the person very well, will be beneficial to you. You probably will be better off taking a lot of time to get to know someone, before you consider moving in/ getting married with that person, so that you don't feel claustrophobic about being in the same room with that person for long periods of time.

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu--consider getting an air mattress; they aren't that expensive and they work better than a sleeping bag. I have one that was about $60 and it is 90% as good as a real bed.

[LAYAAN]

I talked to her about my understanding and interpretation of why her marriage went bad and also told her with her why I was sharing all that with her. Mostly it was a monologue. She sat there, pushed her face in between her knees, kept sharing at that floor. I hope she listened and hope she will think about what I said. She doesn't listen to anyone's view calmly and positively, especially when it comes to sensitive areas like the way her husband treated her.

I told her "I'm not trying to take anyone's side. I know how dad is, but I also know how you are. I see faults in both of you. I'm not saying that one is better than the other. But I'm calling you to think because your actions, his actions, your reaction all affected you more than it did him. Or, you have been more vocal about it.

1) Marriage incompatibility - You were tired of being single, living in your parents' home after your bro got married. You and your sis in law didn't get along. You thought marriage was a way out. You decided to take the plunge like most Indian girls would do. But you thought your life would be something different after marriage and you didn't confirm that with your husband before marrying him. You admit that you married him because he was a civil engineer from a good school, had a stable job, you were coming from a small town into a big city. You thought you were marrying into a good family where people had several degrees so you just concluded that they had to be intellectual and had to have an open, broad mindset. So, basically you married your hopes. You failed to pay attention to reality. You just wanted out of your parents' place and brother's family that you chose a good deal - superficially. Who do you think is responsible for the demise of marriage then? You or your husband or your in laws? You wanted to study ahead. You wanted to live separately from a joint family, just you and your husband. You wanted your husband to be bright and go-getter and accomplish professional success. You found out that things were opposite. Your husband is a wuss, that he has only theoretical knowledge about his work, but doesn't know how to apply it in practical world. Has no ambition to succeed professionally. Has no interest in the welfare of his family. Will not cross his family members for you. Who is responsible for the truth being different from dreams/hopes? You and noone else. It would be great if dad was ambitious, go-getter, cared about his family...., but the truth is that he is not. He has a degree, but he is an average man with average expectations from life. He had a government job, went to work, tried his best at work, ate his lunch, came home. He didn't care if he got promoted quicker than others, didn't care if he got a scholarship to study ahead. He wanted to marry a beautiful, homely Indian girl, who would take care of him, cook fresh meals for him X2 a day, and be happy with the way things were. So, you must understand that he didn't get what he was looking for either. You wanted to study ahead. He wasn't okay with it. It doesn't matter if you are right and he is wrong according to me, because that is what he isn't comfortable with. You should have checked with him before you went into marriage with him. It was your duty to find out if there is any chance your hopes would materialize before you married him. You didn't do your duty and now you cry, now you feel shortchanged, you are angry and you take it out on every member of his family and pollute the family environment. I'm sorry to tell you that you are wrong. I'm not trying to put all the blame on you. I'm calling you to do some introspection before pointing fingers.

You said many times "Look at ___'s husband. He helped her complete her PhD. Look at ____'s husband. He likes to go on vacations with her. ____'s husband personally took interest in teaching her how to drive."

My answer to this is "Get over it. You are not married to ___'s husband. You are married to your husband and his personality. So, if you think you can handle his being the way he is, you stay married. If not, get out. Please don't fight, argue, cry, grumble every single day hoping thta things would change. You only polluted the family environment. I have seen you fight like mad cats and it has scarred me for life. Okay, getting out of this marriage isn't easy? Alright, then find out a way to deal with it and stay reasonably peaceful for your sake and for others' sake. You didn't do that either."

That's why considering the gamble that you played, I say that you had fairly good outcome. You never divorced. You have sufficient money to survive in your old age at least. You dont' have a lot of kids. Your kids are not spoiled. You have food to eat and roof over your head. Do you think thats bad for a gamble?

 

2) my mom's interaction with my paternal relatives - I addressed that my mom almost never got along with her in-laws and my paternal relatives. I agree that most of them are not good people. My Q to her is what did your approach of arguing, grumbling, fighting bring you? When you realized that you had to stay in the big family house, in a joint family, I would ask myself.... alright. Here I'm. What I can do to make peace with the situation? What can I do to get what I want to get? What can I do to get these people to cooperate with me, to cook for me and my child, to look after my child for a few hours so I can go to work outside? The reason why I say this is because I know that grandma wasn't a bad, mean woman. She looked after D (my cousin sister). She could have looked after me too if you had cut her some slack. Again, it might not have worked... just saying... you should have given it a try instead of arguing and fighting with her.

 

3) gripe about my maternal relatives - My mom married my dad but never let go of her relatives (my maternal relatives). That was the only support she knew and trusted. Her relatives have said some nasty things to me.

"So what if you get a good score in grade X, real brains are those who manage to keep it up even in grade XII" this came from a cousin brother who couldn't even get his BS.

"We will get anyone to marry our daughter. You on the other hand... yours is a difficult situation." this came from her sister who is now struggling to get her obese daughter married off.

"You are an adamant woman." this came from her sister's husband because I wouldn't choose a career path that they wanted me to take.

I told my mom how she behaved exactly like my dad. When my dad's relatives said something to her and she addressed it to him,

he would say "Did they say it while I was there? I'm not going to address something that happened in my absence."

Mom "But they are your relatives. I'm related to them because of you. So, you need to handle this and not me."

My dad wouldn't protect my mom. He would not say a word to his relatives.

My mom did exactly the same thing with me. I brought to her notice if she sees how people behave when they have selfish interests involved? Her selfish interest was that she wanted her relatives to support her always. She wouldn't cross them. My dad did the same thing. Why is he wrong then?

My mom told me "I had to bow down to my relatives because I knew that my husband didn't care for me, his relatives didn't help me. To survive in a different and difficult place, I needed help. I only had my relatives to fall back on. The reason why I didn't defend you was because if I say anything to them, they would just stop helping me and both of us would suffer."

Alright... I buy that excuse. I hope to live a life where I don't have to go ask my maternal relatives for any help.

 

I will be writing more about my conversation with mom. I wanted to get it off my chest. I did... whether she likes it or not.

[penelope13]

So now that you got it off your chest, how do you feel? Do you believe you accomplished anything?

[LAYAAN]

So now that you got it off your chest, how do you feel? Do you believe you accomplished anything?

feel much better... I don't know how mom feels about what I shared with her. I know I shared it just to get it off my chest and to call her to look within for some solutions instead of blaming every person in the family.

[LAYAAN]

This is what I have learned in my short life and limited experience with men so far.

 

- The more possessions a man has, mostly the more arrogant he is, harder to tame, harder to walk down the marriage aisle. Applies to dumb, handsome men too. Beauty is one of the most cherished possessions.

- Most men have an inbuilt timeline by which they want to get married. Its different for every man. Not all men have it though.

- Most men do get married, but pushing doesn't expedite the process. They do it when they feel they are ready and not a minute before.

- When a man is ready for marriage, there is nothing stopping him. When he isn't, nothing can motivate him.

- Men marry at the right time... i.e. when they are ready. They don't care to marry the right person necessarily. The person they are around looks right to them when the time is right.

It is a woman's duty to evaluate if a man she is dating is/will soon become ready for marriage. A woman is responsible for wasting her time in a relationship.

- If a man isn't ready, it doesn't matter if you are gem of a woman. He isn't going to bite.

- Key to successful marriage "Keep stroking a man's ego." Find someone you are glad to be with or learn to lie effectively ... to yourself also.

[penelope13]

So after dumping on your mother about her wrong choices and wrong doings in a loveless marriage you still want to go down the same path?

[LAYAAN]

No, not at all. I'm writing it so I dont' forget.

My mom didn't want to be in a loveless marriage either, but she didn't look into the details. In those times, most women didn't ask these Qs. She got married in her 30s, so had to go with whatever was left in the marriage market (Its not any different even today in the arranged market). You don't have much choice then at that age. I don't blame her or anyone. I understand why they did what they did, but that doesn't make it right. You and your family still have to face the aftermath.

[LAYAAN]

mom left today. my room feels empty. i feel sad... i don't know about what. But mom told me while leaving that I should work hard on my PhD and simply finish it now.

[LAYAAN]

"I guess the road traveled after marriage would be much more pleasant if the destination is the same for both parties concerned. I never imagined that I would fall into this category of complaining about "life after marriage" but then, the oddities of life does make a difference. Whether it be with differing tastes, preferences or simply the way of life one is accustomed to or wishes upon which the other person does not see eye to eye. And after a certain point in time, you see yourself drifting apart together."

 

"You must have similar basic/core values to establish any relationship. Everything else can be put together (by some training and practice). If the basic values do not match, it's better to separate."

 

"Women worry until they get married!

Men worry after they get married!"