Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

having your advisor tell you to start writing your dissertation is a great thing. it means that the end is in sight. i sort of enjoyed writing my chapter 1. i finished my dissertation 2 weeks ago, my final defense is tomorrow (eeeek!!!!) the last few months of my life have been hellish and boring and lonely and painful but it had to get written. i know i will feel relieved soon.

 

hang in there!! at least now you can get your mom off your back a bit. there is no point in dropping out when you are this close to finishing. i've said this over and over, there comes a point where it's just easier to finish than it is to quit. once the phd is in hand, i think the rest of your life will fall into place tinu.

[marshmlofluff]

having your advisor tell you to start writing your dissertation is a great thing. it means that the end is in sight. i sort of enjoyed writing my chapter 1. i finished my dissertation 2 weeks ago, my final defense is tomorrow (eeeek!!!!) the last few months of my life have been hellish and boring and lonely and painful but it had to get written. i know i will feel relieved soon.

 

hang in there!! at least now you can get your mom off your back a bit. there is no point in dropping out when you are this close to finishing. i've said this over and over, there comes a point where it's just easier to finish than it is to quit. once the phd is in hand, i think the rest of your life will fall into place tinu.

 

Annie, congratulations...that is so exciting!!!!!

 

Tinu, this is all wonderful. The end is near. Really, what happens to most people is exactly what Annie says--they get their PhD, and their life suddenly gets a whole lot better really fast. There are almost no jobs where you are in as helpless a position as you are in graduate school.

[LAYAAN]

Hey Annie, wow... u r defending tomorrow.... wo... good luck to you! Man, its a huge achievement to be standing there and defending! You will be done tomorrow this time... can you imagine? wow... thats a great feeling! Keep us posted.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, this is all wonderful. The end is near. Really, what happens to most people is exactly what Annie says--they get their PhD, and their life suddenly gets a whole lot better really fast. There are almost no jobs where you are in as helpless a position as you are in graduate school.

Yes, You, Annie, Penny, Ellie, all have told me this before. Just finish it, your life will get much better. Once you get out of this stage of your life, then you will be able to decide what you want, where you see your life going. My friend who recently finished her PhD, said that you won't even remember that your life was so hard for several years. Just wrap up, get out, start a new chapter of your life. She said that you will turn into a person that you won't even recognize. You will be much more stress free and happier.

Lets sincerely hope that we are able to answer the Qs to the reviewers' satisfaction and honestly I can put all this behind me. I hope to take a couple of months off and just travel and have fun then. Enjoy, relax, unwind. I don't want to start working right away. Again... if God is willing. We will see what happens.

[annie24]

Hey Annie, wow... u r defending tomorrow.... wo... good luck to you! Man, its a huge achievement to be standing there and defending! You will be done tomorrow this time... can you imagine? wow... thats a great feeling! Keep us posted.

 

thanks, it is crazy! well, i'm sure that i'll still have to do some revisions and whatnot. so it's not done until you've done the revisions, submitted your thesis to the library and paid $90. but still... i am looking forward to having a real life again!

[LAYAAN]

Real life... so true! I can't wait to live real life again. can't wait to feel alive.

[LAYAAN]

I worked out so hard on Monday that I can't even walk. I have been feeding myself BCAAs and proteins and vitamins, hoping to reduce the muscle recovery time. I hope today is a normal, pain-free day. I'm not going to work out today at all.

Oh... for the knitting club, I contacted some people to see if they could donate us yarn and one person said that they would. I really appreciate that. We have almost run out of decent yarn. We have been putting money from our personal funds to buy yarn and knit for charity. Not an easy thing to do as a student. So, someone said that they would donate us some yarn. We hope that turns up.

In less than a week my mom would be here. I'm not excited. I'm nervous. I hope we dont' get into argument. I hope I can cook decent food. I hope my mom doesn't complain about my cooking. To have my mom 24/7 in front of me for 2 weeks... I'm not sure I can handle that well.

[annie24]

well, you can continue to go to lab, or to the library to write to get away from her. just because she is here doesn't mean you have to entertain her 24/7. go to work!!!

[penelope13]

Since you are in the process of writing, maybe your mom can cook for you?

 

I know this might sound scary, but this is an opportunity for you to show your mom that you have grown up, that you are in control and charge of your life, that you are not a little child anymore.

 

It can be difficult for parents: I left my parents house when I was nowhere close to being a full grownup. While I was away, all they remembered from the phone conversations were only the problems I was facing, so they worried. Whenever I came home, I was a completely different person: I was just their daughter within the old family structure. However, when they started to visit me for longer than a weekend, they started to see the new me: they saw for themselves how I had set up my life, I showed them around work (I had both my parents watch me doing experiments for a whole day), I introduced them to my friends, so they saw how I interacted with people, how I had indeed become an adult in my own full rights. That helped them enormously to put everything into perspective and to easier relate to what was going on in my life. I also slowly changed the way I talked to them: instead of coming to them as a child, I became an equal in conversations/ discussion. I needed to change the way I interacted in order for them to change how they interacted with me.

 

So try not to worry too much about your mothers visit. Whatever her agenda might be, I am sure she wants you to be happy. Show her that you are able to be happy with the path that YOU chose. Showing her that you are happy with the choices you made and the career you want to follow, will be the best way to convince her. If it gets too much (as Annie says) just excuse yourself because of work/ writing.

 

Try not to let her get to you. Of course everyone wants their parents to approve of them, but you don't NEED their approval.

[LAYAAN]

Annie and Penny,

Yes, I don't intend to ignore my work while she is here. I have already told her "Come and relax. You don't need to cook for me or clean or do the laundry. If you want, you can go with me to work. If you don't want, I will give you money, you can speak and write English, get on a bus, visit places around, eat, sleep, watch TV, enjoy."

I got a call last night from a group of Christian friends who visit public schools in the area, talk to middle-school kids and encourage them to stay in school. I said "Yes, even if my mom is visiting me, I will come to talk to the kids." If she wants, she can go with me.

 

Penny, thank you for a great message. I hear you. I understand what you are saying. Yes, that makes sense. Its great that you invited your parents into your grad student's life. They got to see you as a professional etc. Your last few lines of the long paragraph hit me "That helped them enormously to put everything into perspective and to easier relate to what was going on in my life. I also slowly changed the way I talked to them: instead of coming to them as a child, I became an equal in conversations/ discussion. I needed to change the way I interacted in order for them to change how they interacted with me." I hope when my mom sees my day-to-day life here, she can learn a bit more about what I'm going through and hopefully change her perspective.

 

I yearned for my mom's approval. She is not capable of providing that. I have given up on that. The only one I look at now is God. I mean it. My father has been absent in my life. My mom doesn't like my skin color, or the fact that I got acne, that I have a few scars on my face, or the way I wear my hair, or that I have bangs, or my choice of profession, or that I'm turning some men down, or that I'm not yet married, or that I don't want kids, or how I season my food.... blah blah blah. She will never stop complaining, arguing. I'm going to be firm with her when she comes here. All of my life, I was compared to my cousin sister. "Look how pretty she is (Is it my fault that I'm not pretty?) Look how she likes to cook (People have different interests. Get over it.)" All this comparison stopped after I left home to come here. Well, it stopped mainly after she tried to set herself on fire. Suddenly my mom changed her story and started saying that she is proud of me. Really? Why? Suddenly? You are now going around telling people how well your daughter is doing. What do you do with such people? Your parents are supposed to love you, care for you, guide you, and be consistent. Not speak bad about you when you are not doing well and then suddenly start loving you when you do well. I didn't get support when I really needed it. I struggled on my own. I don't care for anything anymore. I don't expect to hear a single good word from my mom. I don't care to show her that I'm an adult, or that I'm doing good or bad, or that I have my life together. Nothing. If she wants to cook, she can. I don't want her to cook for me and complain later "well, I still had to cook, you know." Just come, stay, do what you want and leave. Don't create any drama.

[penelope13]

You can't change your mother, but you can change how you relate to her and how you let it control you. Don't allow yourself to remain bitter about this.

 

Something else to consider: you have chances/ opportunities in life that your mom never had and never dreamed of. You life your own life, in a foreign country, you don't have to succumb to a husband, you chose your own profession, you are about to become a published scientist - all of this can be very intimidating for your mother and could make her feel inferior to you; thus she is focusing on those aspects in your interactions with you, where she has a 'lead on you so-to-speak'. Maybe it's not the nicest way to deal with these feelings, but it's a very human way.

 

Just forgive her for the method and focus on the intentions.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, you are right, Penny. I'm trying to forgive my parents, forgive myself for feeling the way I feel about them and really just move on and not harbor any negativity towards anyone. Its not easy. I'm struggling. I'm telling myself to calm down and avoid arguments with my mom. I have written a list of topics to address to mom. We may not see each other soon. If we do, I don't know what situation either of us would be. Don't know if it would be wise thing to do or not. My mom can't handle even constructive criticism well. But I can at least write it all out in my journal.

[LAYAAN]

I simply hate the way my mom thinks about kids. "Well, you should have someone that will call you "mom"." What if I dont' desire to be called a mom? "You will regret not having kids one day." "Have 'em sooner than later so they can be healthy." "What if your husband says "well if you can't give me kids, I'm gonna sleep with someone else and have 'em."?" I can't answer such idiotic Qs. This Q is irrelevant when you look for someone who is on board with you, who thinks like you do, has similar likes and dislikes, wants and desires in major areas of life. That is the kinda person you choose to marry.

 

I'm really making an effort to forgive my mother. I don't like my maternal relatives at all. They have said stuff to me before which I really don't like and I can't forget it. My basic Q is "Why bother saying something to someone? Is it really necessary?"

Stuff like - "Your daughter is adamant."

"What else can you do... you can only go to school and study... that's what you have done all of your life."

"You are way too quiet."

"You don't like to be around people anyways..."

My problem is not just that her relatives are idiots. My problem is that my mom didn't defend me. Her reasoning is simple "My husband is useless. I need support from my relatives to survive. I want them to help me when I need their help. Keeping my relatives happy matters to me more than defending my daughter."

I never understood that logic. Who is bound to take care of you? Your relatives or your daughter? Who should you try to protect then? your relatives or your daughter? I felt alone, almost like a stranger because my dad was always away from home. He tried to take posting away from home. His relatives and my mom never got along with each other. Staying in his big family house... there was a constant friction between his relatives and my mom. My mom resented my dad for not taking us with him. He resented her as she involved her relatives to talk to him into doing that instead of handling the matter on her own. My mom has temper. She is not exactly a sweet, kind, loving person, a woman is normally expected to be. She has an aggressive personality like a man. My dad is docile like a female. My dad isn't a bad person, but he failed to be a good husband and a good father. He wanted to get a compliant woman as a wife. All he really cared for was good food and good sex, someone who understood him, someone who felt like he is her hero. Not exactly extravagant expectations, if you ask me. My mom married my dad because she was tired of waiting for the right guy. She was tired of staying in a place with her brother and his wife. She couldn't get along with her sister-in-law. Her own parents started nagging her about marriage. She finally decided to look at the big picture and married my dad. She thought "well, I'm going from a small town into a huge city. I will make my career. The guy is educated. He must have an educated mindset also. I will have a better life." The idea of a happy married life was really really different for each one of them. My mom refused to cook fresh food x2 a day. I'm not saying she should. What I'm saying is, if you don't have a stable, permanent job, why don't you just listen to your husband and try to cook fresh food x2 a day? It would have kept peace in our house. Don't nag your husband. Don't complain to your husband about not getting along with his relatives, the moment he comes home from work.

My dad is also a typical Indian man. His father didn't have a job, so basically he was raised by his fathers brothers. He felt like he owed them his life and wouldn't say a word to them. He has passive aggressive personality. He doesn't know how to be a man and take charge of the situation. He decided to run away from the situation instead. He told my mom "well, its better you stay here along with our daughter. Its better that our daughter gets education in a big city." My mom hates that because I didn't become an engineer or a physician, I turned out a mediocre child and I really would have been okay even in a small city. My dad was tired of my mom's nagging, her aggressive personality. He didn't enjoy her company. He felt that it was a mistake to marry my mom. He just decided to stay away... far away from her and his child. My mom had to fend for herself in the big family home. My father's relatives were not supportive, didn't have an educated mindset. She needed her relatives' support. My mom threatened to file for divorce many times. My dad didn't budge at all. My mom took into consideration the bigger picture and decided to tough it out instead of taking the divorce route. I feel sorry to write this... the marriage ended quickly in spirit. It stayed alive on paper and my parents continued to fight and argue. My mom would frequently say to me "Had I not had you, I could have filed for divorce and freed myself.""What did you do in a big city? You got mediocre grades. You couldn't have achieved those in a small city? Why did I have to sacrifice my life for mediocre child?" I didn't have anyone to share my feelings with. My cousin sister is my age, but for several years, my mom didn't get along with my paternal relatives so I didn't have anyone to play with.

My father should have stepped up and should have taken care of his family instead of running away. My mom should have calmed down to keep peace in her marriage. That might have helped. They both should have gone for marriage counseling. A lot is lost during all these years. My parents never had a good marriage. I never had a father. I knew that I wasn't a priority in my mom's life. I was a burden she didn't really care to support. I felt many times that we were not a family, instead we were just 3 people living together because each one felt helpless and thats a horrible feeling. We are a family after all. The truth is noone felt loved, cared. I felt like my mom cared for my maternal relatives more than anyone else. I felt like my dad cared for my paternal relatives more than anyone else. I felt like my dad never cared for my mom. He just wanted to avoid the responsibility of marriage and family so chose to stay away as long as possible. My mom resented my dad, but stayed in marriage for practical benefits. My dad has shared with me "Your mom refused to have sex with me. She told me several times to go to those women instead." Recently, my dad complained to my mom's sister's husband that my mom doesn't have sex with him and it bothers him. Honestly, I'm ashamed of hearing this. But this is only an outward projection of a deeper problem. My mom reacted to my dad's cold behavior towards her by withholding sex.... quite common reaction you can expect from an angry woman. But that didn't solve anyone's problem. Not even hers. I don't tell women to give in, surrender, but many times that is what keeps peace in a relationship. My Q is- what did my mom achieve by not giving what her husband asked for? good food and good sex. Alright, so you dont' want to give your husband what he asks for. You want to argue and do your thing. Fine. Did that get you what you were looking for? his love, affection, staying together as a happy family? What if you had given him what he was looking for and encouraged him instead of breaking him down verbally? My father is not a go-getter. As long as I've known him, he is not that way. He is an average regular man, he kept his job, worked to the best of his ability. Getting jobs and keeping jobs was easy those days. My mother's brothers are industrialists. She expected same thing from my dad, stomped on his ego many many times. Said to him in front of me "Your boss says you are good for nothing. How would I feel about that as a wife... ofcourse I feel terrible. Your trivial job... anyone can do this job." My dad would retaliate. When would my mom understand that you don't crush a man's ego like that. What did putting him down like that achieve you? Nothing... only ruins. I'm not taking anyone's side here. My father should protect his family, defend his wife, carry his family with him. It was possible. If my mom wanted that result, she should have acted more wisely and should have controlled her tongue. Saying stuff... alright, you got it off your chest. What did it achieve you? Your husband left you alone. You turned even more angry and bitter. What if you had not said certain things instead? What if you had accepted your husband's mediocrity and would have pretended to respect him?

A lot is broken during all these years. I just want to sit down with my parents and a family therapist. I want to give all of us a chance to say sorry to each other... forgive one another... and try to rebuild a good relationship. I don't want my parents to die holding a grudge against each other. I don't desire the same for myself either. I dont' think its possible though. I'm here. My parents are there. Bitterness and resentment has piled up and has turned into a rock. Someone has to keep their ego aside and start by saying sorry.

 

I want to suggest my mom "You say sorry for how you treated your husband. Say that you love him and you genuinely care for him and want the best for him. You saw potential in him. He is a bright guy, he is hard working. He deserves to be loved. You are sorry for saying certain things, but words have been uttered and can't be taken back. You are here and you realize your mistake. Say that. Thank him for providing for the family. Thank him for not wandering. Thank him for not throwing you and his child out of his house."

 

I want to suggest my dad "You say sorry for not stepping up and keeping your family's wellbeing as the topmost priority. Your wife is related to your relatives because of you. Its your duty to keep your relatives in check, not your wife's. Its your duty to have your wife's back. Yes, you both have made mistakes in choosing a partner, but that can't be undone now. You are here and genuine love can correct many wrongs. You should say sorry for not protecting your wife. You should say sorry to your wife for leaving her alone with a child. Yes, she said something to you, but you need to forgive her words and understand the feeling behind those words. You should thank your wife for not wandering. You should thank her for taking care of your child to the best of her ability. You should definitely thank her for being selfless in the way she took care of your relatives in their old days and protected you and stood by you in all the legal property battles. This is a blessing. See it that way. There are too many gold-digger women out there. Your wife is not one of them. Thank her for that." I don't know what else to say... I don't know what else to do. I want to send each one a letter and hope that they at least say this to each other. I hope that would start the healing process.

[LAYAAN]

More than anything else, I need to understand my mom and forgive her. She is just a regular woman, bitter, angry, frustrated with a bad marriage and now a child in a foreign place with non-cooperative people. I can understand her being angry with life in general. She did her best. This is her best. Human life is to learn and try to improve your past mistakes. We all are on a journey to become better. We haven't yet arrived. Who am I then to judge my mom and hold her to a higher standard? May be I will make same mistake with my kids... do I want them to be angry at me? No, I want them to understand my helplessness and the anger it brings me and forgive me. I'm sure my mom wants the same from me. I need to forgive both my mom and dad. Thank them for what they have done and treat them the way God wants me to treat them... with respect and kindness.

[penelope13]

If it helps to vent all your feelings here, that's great.

 

If you want others to change, don't tell them or demand it, but show them that it can be done, by changing yourself first. You want your mom to let go of her anger, bitterness, disappointments - show her how to do it by leaving those feelings behind yourself.

 

When you mom rants about what you should do and how you should live: let her talk, let her run out of steam without talking back. Once she is done (and people usually run out of steam quickly if the other person doesn't fuel the fire by trying to argue/reason with them), just tell her: "thank you for your love and concern for you and that you will think about everything she has said". Leave it like that and start to do/ talk about something entirely different.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, you are right. I agree that I have to show that changes can be made by changing myself first.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know how to write this. Well, I do. I'm just going to get straight to the point.

I'm concerned about my lack of experience in the sexual area. It bothers me these days. I wonder if my husband would find me "cold and boring". I don't know if I should try some dating sites or possibly get together with the fireman and ask him to teach me a few "moves". I don't know if he left me because he didn't think I was fun or he wasn't happy enough with what he got. My lack of experience hinders me from even thinking about dating American men. I recently watched a show on TV wherein most men said that they don't prefer "inexperienced" women. I don't know where to get that experience, though. I won't mind getting it in a relationship, but an emotional bond needs to be established first otherwise its nothing but FWB. I guess I should try FWB, but then I don't know such a guy that is clean and will be willing to work with my "inexperience". Where do I go to get experience then? Sounds like a job situation. I don't have experience, so I can't get a job. I can't get experience because I don't have a job. Now what? With all other things on my mind that stress me out, this is a recent addition. I really feel pressured to get some experience and not be a virgin anymore. I feel uncomfortable to discuss this with anyone. People look at me funny "If you are straight, or bi or whatever, why are you inexperienced at this age? Do you have psychological issues in being intimate?" I don't know, I'm in a strange situation. I want to lose it to the right person in a committed relationship, but I'm meeting all jerks unsuitable for an emotional relationship. What do I do then? I would need a clean guy that I can lose it with. And no, I'm not saying that I want to get experience, to hide that "I'm just looking to have sex. I can't control it anymore." My anti-anxiety pills and professional pressure make me feel nothing in terms of sex. I mean it. But I feel pressure that I need to hurry up and learn something, get some hands-on experience because if I don't I may always fail at intimate relationships. I don't know where to talk about this. I really worry about this area.

[annie24]

Tinu- I don't think you should give up your virginty just for the sale of experience. I think that your future husband will be appreciative you waited, if that is one of your morals. Furthermore, hundreds of instructional sex videos exist, and if you have a desire to learn, I am sure you will be able to please a man.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie. Staying virgin wasn't my goal. Yes, I would prefer to get married and then do it, but I am open to thinking about losing it to the right person in a committed relationship. Just never had that kinda feeling of belonging with anyone yet. So, didn't feel okay to sleep with the men I had pseudo-relationships with.

[LAYAAN]

I was walking on a treadmill and had this millionaire matchmaker show running on Bravo. I'm sorry I don't understand something. Well first of all I was shocked to learn that 2 millionaire brothers were on that show with their mother, looking for love. There were cameras everywhere and the women were observed closely. The mother's presence influenced the decision of what girl these 2 boys would pick to go on a 1st date with. Honestly, I don't understand something. Patty Stanger's millionaire matchmaker services are for only millionaire men and women who want to marry such men, right? Why is it offensive to a man or Patty then if these women mention that they are there to snag a millionaire and live a comfortable life? Why is it offensive if a woman has only her looks to offer, but nothing else to get a millionaire? Why? Does Patty not know that beauty treads with money? She herself teaches these women to lose weight and look as hot and classy as possible without looking like a ho. Why is it necessary that you bring brains and ambition and good heart to the table as well? What nonsense is that? When I happened to watch that show there was a strikingly beautiful woman sitting along with, I guess 5 other women, the boy lusted after her, but because his mom was watching, he wouldn't ask her out. Why? Okay, and then Patty calls him inside and tells him "Don't go after that woman you are obviously attracted to. She is aggressive and she is using her looks to pull you in. She has nothing to offer other than her looks." What? These men know very well that these women are there because these men are millionaires.

I simply don't understand Patty's twisted logic.

1) You can have sex with a man before marriage. That is okay, but don't move in with him, because if you move in with him, he relaxes and gets everything that a wife would give him, so he won't be interested in marrying you.

2) You can look for love in rich society. That is allowed. Just don't say that you are looking for a rich husband. That is not allowed. You need to be good looking period. But you should still have brains and personality and confidence and kindness blah blah. Why is all that additional stuff necessary? I just don't get it. I don't get it.

[LAYAAN]

What do men think that its easier for average female to get a man than it is for a man?

I can tell you from personal experience and from many of my friends' experience that its not. If you look closer, you will realize that on average women settle more than men. Men normally hold out for what they want and they get the exact girl that said no to them a few years ago. Why? because most women are afraid of getting old (according to the society standards) and not being able to find even an average joe. I'm angry at reading posts here from several men that women have unusually high standards and won't give them a chance. Men do that to women too. Would these guys actively go after fat and ugly women? No. A guy may only use such women for easy booty call if at all such woman pursues him, but he won't pursue such woman even if she has a good personality and is a good person.

What are men crying for? All they have to do is make money. Women dont' care if men are fat, ugly, have kids, have a private harem easily accessible for booty call, or have been a cheater, abuser (look at Charlie Sheen. He gets women to marry him and also have his babies. And I blame idiotic women for bringing rest of us down, but my point is that its easier for men). But a woman... God... a woman needs to have at least beauty. Mind you... looking beautiful is a truckload of work. And you can only do so much. You can't change your skin color, height, bone structure. Well and those things that you can change... require a truckload of money. Plastic surgeons are rich for a reason. And even if a woman puts in all that work and money... there is no telling that she will find a decent guy. Oh... and god forbid if she utters the marriage and kids words... men will get scared and run away. But women are dieing to have babies and marry abusers. Men have no expiration date on them. A 40+ year old man can build his career, save money, buy house, cars, club memberships and marry a hot 20+ year old girl. Can a 40+ woman do that? sure... then get looked down upon in society if at all she is lucky to get this man to marry.

MEN HAVE IT EASY... ALWAYS... PERIOD.

[LAYAAN]

I have posted picture of my 1st kid sweater in my profile.

My mom is coming today. I'm cooking. I hope my cooking turns out okay for her to taste it. My room is still not clean, but hey my car is clean. I'm not sure I can get my room cleaned up in time. Guess, I'll just have to listen to what she has to say about it...

[penelope13]

Try to enjoy your time with her. I guess it's a rare event that she is coming to see you.

[Ellie2006]

Tinu, try not to be too stressed about your mom's visit. Maybe she'll surprise you ... and the visit will go off better than you expected ...?

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny. Yes, I'm going to try my best. Yes, its rare, doesn't happen often.

Sorry I can't post the picture of the sweater. I tried, it kept giving an error message.

Well, I have tried to clean my room somewhat. Its still cluttered, but not dirty.