Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

part of the reason i don't get it is that i almost never get the flu. i think in the last 20 years i've had it maybe 2 times? another thing is that i think it's a crap-shoot if the vaccine will be effective because the strains are chosen 9 months in advance of flu season. there have been some years where the vaccine was ineffective because of that. sometimes i get the vaccine though, if it's offered in a convient place/time.

i got really sick 2 weeks ago. i think it was either a bad cold or a mild flu. i don't think i need the shot now.

in general, i am very very pro-vaccine and i am vaccinated against pretty much every single thing except the flu.

You have some tough immune system. Pass me some of that. We all use public facility from time-to-time. Restrooms, library, computers, and especially us, we go to school... its better to get vaccinated. The girl in the lab next door has been coughing and sneezing on n off for last few months. Her door is exactly opposite to mine. It bothers me. I can't suggest her anything. That's why I need to protect myself. I have been spending money on airborne. Might as well get a shot too. I have been not feeling well due to sudden temperature drops. Last year I didn't suffer at all. I got my flu shot in September itself. This year, this month and last month have been tough.

[LAYAAN]

I'm scheduled to see my psychiatrist again. I don't like visiting these people over and over. I have been feeling very restless since last 2 days. I don't know why. Talked to my mom today. Worked out for almost 2 hours yesterday. Brisk walking and then lifting weights, felt dead tired when I got home. Feel tired today. Whole body aches. I have been drinking protein shakes regularly and taking vitamins and BCAAs. That helps a little. Weather isn't helping much.

My 3rd sweater for a child is almost complete. That is a happy feeling. I can't believe how costly knitting yarn is and knitting supplies in general. Yes, arts and crafts is for rich people these days. I can't believe that the circular needle that I bought cost me $6. Then I also had to buy circular needles with different cable lengths. I have been trying to buy yarn on ebay hoping to get some good deal. But without seeing the actual quality, I'm not sure if I should invest my money and take risk of buying yarn online.

[annie24]

are you currently on anxiety meds?

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu, I don't think you should worry about money now to the point of letting it corrode your enjoyment of small things. The reason is that as soon as you get out of graduate school you will find a job, and you will earn $6 in a few minutes.

[LAYAAN]

are you currently on anxiety meds?

Yes, I'm. ........

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, I don't think you should worry about money now to the point of letting it corrode your enjoyment of small things. The reason is that as soon as you get out of graduate school you will find a job, and you will earn $6 in a few minutes.

Yes, what you say makes sense.

[LAYAAN]

So, my good friend has been pushing me to go to her house for the halloween party for quite some time now. I'm afraid the fireman is going to show up. I'm not sure how to face him. He probably feels the same way. I tried to not go. My anxious and perfectionist personality get the best of me. I didn't want my friend to keep telling me over n over to show up. I don't necessarily enjoy social events, hanging out with a large crowd of people. I get nervous and just want to leave the room and be by myself. I am always concerned if I'm good looking enough. I keep telling myself that I'm okay looking that I'm not ugly.

 

I remember, I started avoiding interacting with people after my parents started fighting and told me that I talk to anyone about their fights. I was afraid of spilling the beans with my close friends at school. As a result, I learned to avoid people as much as I could. Then puberty hit me. I was the only one from my whole entire class that had pimples. Noone else. Noone had even heard of acne at my school. Well, my face was covered in acne. Everywhere I would go, kids my age would ask me "What is that?" Honestly, nothing I did helped. Tried creams, lotions, antibiotics, everything that was available 15 years ago in India. I got tested for poor vision and got glasses around same time. My mother could not hide what she thought of me "one ugly daughter with glasses. I don't know how I'm going to get you married."

I distinctly remember the remedy that was suggested to get rid of my glasses.

1) "Look at everything that is naturally green." So my mom kept an indoor plant in every corner of the house possible. I was told to look at those plants instead of looking everywhere else.

2) "Fill a green colored glass bottle, leave it in morning sunlight for about an hour. Drink that water same day. Repeat every day." Alright, so everyday that madness began.

3) "Don't watch TV."

When I look back at those years of my life, I don't know how I survived. I have no siblings. My interaction with friends was limited to school and further limited because I struggled to hide my unhappiness about my parents fighting. I never was interested in sports. I would go to art classes and do my thing and come back home. I just became a loner into grade 6 and up. Repeated ophthalmologist's visits brought my mom only more frustration. She was expecting that my sight would get better with those remedies. It did not. It only got worse as I grew older. I was told that by grandpa and my ophthalmologist. My grandpa was a PhD in chemistry. He understood a whole lot about what was happening to me and was much supportive, but my mom still had her way. I miss my grandpa a lot. He used to pick me up from school, also came to my pharmacy school, then workplace. I wish he was alive today. He would have definitely come here to visit my university.

 

So, anyways... last year I was a witch (not a bad one, a sexy one). So, I wore a black petticoat I have, black boots, and a black satin blouse, . Wore a furry fake mouse on my sleeve, a spider in same material on my skirt, tied some bones together around a string and wore a skull in the middle of that garland. I should have taken my picture. ...

This time, I'm hoping to look like Cleopatra. Hope that works out decent. I have brown skin. So, I'm not going to add a bronzer.

[annie24]

hi tinu - i'm sorry you had such a rough childhood. you're a lovely woman now, have left the 'ugly duckling' part behind a long time ago. you know, just go to the party, and if you feel uncomfortable, leave after an hour or two. cleopatra will be nice. have fun.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie. I plan on going to the party and leaving in about 2 hours.

[LAYAAN]

Today again, I'm feeling very anxious about my marriage. I feel that if I don't get married today, all men in this world would be married off. I decided to clean my room today hoping to get my mind off that.

link removed

link removed

 

Calm down. Its going to be okay. You haven't met a man you really could make something work with and possibly get married to. If you happen to get that kinda man, you think about marriage, otherwise there is no point in being married for the name of it, getting even more depressed, feeling trapped, and experiencing on a personal level what your sister and mother are going through. If you are not comfortable having a child right away, stand by that plan. Don't have a child because you are afraid of losing that man. Don't create a drama in his life either. Please, just calm down. Pray to God. If its His will, you will get a guy. If it is not, don't run after something just to ruin your life even further. Trust in Him. You have to trust in Him. Keep praying for direction, wisdom, and discernment.

[LAYAAN]

I just got a decision on our paper. Major revisions are expected. I haven't gone through the entire email (its a long one), but I will keep you all updated. I'm glad that they are willing to give this another shot after revisions.

Thank you Annie, Penny, Ellie, Marsh for your kind support. It means a lot to me.

[annie24]

the world isn't going to run out of men anytime soon, don't worry! besides, people get divorced, people become widowed... i hate to sound so jaded right now but.... i know a lot of our friends are getting married right now at this age. however, in a few years, some of them will be getting divorced as well. i already have some peers who have been divorced. so don't panic. you'll find the right one.

[penelope13]

What kind of revisions are they asking for?

[annie24]

oh yeah, revisions! sorry, i meant to comment last night! do they want more experiments or writing?

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny and Annie.

I read the email carefully last night. They are not asking for more experiments. They are asking for more explanation of some results, reformatting of bibliography, correcting some typos.

[annie24]

that's great!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yay tinu!!!!

[penelope13]

That's really good news! Now it's only a question of time and concentration and your paper will be accepted. Congratulations!!!!!!!!!!

[marshmlofluff]

Thank you Penny and Annie.

I read the email carefully last night. They are not asking for more experiments. They are asking for more explanation of some results, reformatting of bibliography, correcting some typos.

 

Very nice, Tinu!!!! Those sound like stylistic revisions, not content--that is fantastic!

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny, Annie, Marsh. I really hope that my paper gets accepted finally. We have to respond within 2 months and no later. Really hope I can get it off my chest and move on, finish my PhD.

[penelope13]

2 months is a lot of time if you do not have to do any more experiments, so that's really great. can you start now with scheduling your defense and all the necessary steps to get there as Annie has been suggesting?

 

I hope the news about the paper will give you some positive energy. Just focus on the paper for now and plotting out the steps you need to get your defense under way.

 

When is your mom supposed to come?

[LAYAAN]

Penny, yes, you are right. Talked with my boss yesterday. He wants to get this paper resubmitted ASAP. He said "You can do those corrections in about 2 weeks time. So, get on with it." I'm scheduled to meet with PI about what needs to be done in that regard.

Priorities are -

1) Comply and get paper 1 finally accepted.

2) Completed suggested corrections in the proposal, submit the written copy, and get form A signed

3) Continue working on paper 2 and 3

4) Start writing thesis chapter 1 (introduction) and last chapter (conclusion). Final chapter is bibliography which get compiled while I write, as I use Endnote reference manager.

 

I talked about thesis with my boss already. He said your papers can be chapter 2, 3, and 4. Chapter 1 is introduction. Chapter 5 is conclusion. Then references.

 

I have already looked into Form A, Form C completion requirements. Form A - needs to be submitted before Dec. Form C - before end of January (petition for graduation).

 

My mom is coming in a week's time.

[annie24]

that's great news tinu!!! yay!!! mom is coming at a bad time though if you need to do a lot of writing. i don't know - maybe she'll cook for you and clean. good luck. how long is she staying?

[LAYAAN]

So, I went to the halloween party last night at my friend's place. It was okay. It was fun to see people dressed differently. That is the best part of halloween. I stayed there only for about 1.5-2 hours. Any party starts to get boring after that time for me. That's the longest I can push myself. I had to drive back at night. Today is a working day and otherwise also I didn't want to stay longer.

I had a long off-white skirt and white sleeveless T-shirt. I threw that on. Went to Michaels. Got some wide ribbon and formed a necklace and waistband. I had some flats in my closet already. I dont' like to spend a lot of money on halloween. Its fun to get dressed, but you can't repeat the costume every year and you can't really wear it elsewhere. I put on make up, straightened out my hair.

.

 

My friend had invited psychic. She read tarot cards.

So, the first 10 cards for me were - if I can remember correctly

1) The magician -

2) The Nine of Wands

3) The Lovers

4) The Sun

5) Three of Cups

6) Five of Cups

7) Ten of Cups

8 ) Nine of Pentacles

9) Page of Pentacles

10) Three of Wands

 

Ace of Swords

The Eight of Pentacles

There was one more card, I can't remember

 

Anyways... She said "You are being guided by spirit. You need to plan for the future a little bit more instead of being too free spirited. Learn to look at what you have and not what others have. You are given more than others. You definitely will get married, but its gonnabe a lot of work for you. The man will have similar interests/profession as yours. You are too hard on yourself. You need to loosen up a bit. Don't waste your time waiting for the ship to arrive, get busy until your ship arrives. Follow your heart, your interests. Keep yourself busy with that. You have a pure heart. You don't just work to get a paycheck, but you enjoy what you do. You see it as a career. You have an ability to create magic in your life. You have everything that you need to create magic. You need to just ask yourself what you want, trust in yourself and put in efforts. You will get anything and everything you want in your life. You are being guided in the right direction by the spirit/spirit guide, your life is gonna be happy. Don't worry."

[LAYAAN]

Yes, but its better that she comes. She will get calmer once she sees me alive. Otherwise, next several months its gonna be same madness, pressure about marriage, quit your PhD, all negativity from her. She will be here only for 2 weeks. She may cook and clean, not sure. I told her that she doesn't need to cook, I'm not gonna cook either. We can eat out. Knowing her, she won't listen. Just hope that I don't get into any argument with her.

[LAYAAN]

I saw the fireman last night at the party. He has grown a belly. Well, stop drinking beer at every possible opportunity. When I was coming down the staircase, there he was... standing. He waved at me, smiled... I think he said "hello". I hope he did. I don't want to send out wrong message by initiating small talks with him.

I said "Hi, how are you?"

He replied "good, how are you?"

I'm not sure if I said I'm okay or not.

I still get nervous when I see him.

I saw his good friend. He is a sweetheart. I like him. As it turns out his good friend and I both were happy to see each other. I wanted to give him a hug, but there was a table in between, then we both got distracted.

I was thinking about my dating period with the fireman, while I was driving back. I hate that. I don't want to be thinking about him. When I see him, all those memories come right back. We saw each other only twice after we broke up. I must admit that he is a gentleman. He never created drama in my life after we broke up. Never called, was civil in his interaction with me at the social events. I have to thank him for that.