Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

well, every parent thinks that their child is a prince or princess. and they only want the best for their kid. i agree with your mom, you shouldn't judge him based on what his parents wrote.

 

but really..... i'm not sure that you're going to find the love you're looking for in the arranged marriage market. it seems like your mom and your friends are all backing this up. of course, you can get lucky and find someone you love who loves you back. but i really don't see why you need to put these pressures on yourself, to find someone ASAP. especially if you don't really want children.

[LAYAAN]

Hmm... wanting to find someone ASAP.

- Well, its because I'm tired of standing in this market for last 11 years. Getting turned down repeatedly.

- Tired of coming to an empty home

- Tired of having friends that don't have my back. I really want someone I can count on, a friend for life.

- Know how arranged market works. Love isn't guaranteed there. But you can find a decent man if you let go of some of your requirements.

- Standing longer in that market is actually bad because after a certain age you have only men with kids left on that market.

[annie24]

here is what i think - you're not 22, so maybe that might work against you. but if you are 33 and have a stable, well paying career once you graduate, that will be a huge plus in your favor. if you get your pharmacy license, you can basically work anywhere in the US - from a large city to a small one, and you will make a great salary. 33, mature and stable has a lot to offer! in some ways, i think it's better to reenter the arranged marriage market then. i don't know. obviously i'm not so familiar with this. but i think you're just going to drive yourself crazy if you aren't just finishing up your degree and moving on.

[LAYAAN]

True. I agree. I have pulled my profile from EH and one Indian matrimonial site. But as I have mentioned before, my mom is not willing to pull off my profile from another site and local marriage bureaus. I have talked to her many times before and asked her if she can take my name off and enter it once I'm eligible to answer the commonly asked questions. She doesn't want to do that. I can't help it. These are the men she is sending my way.

[LAYAAN]

My junior from grad school mailed me out of nowhere just to say hello. She said she is praying for me. It was so sudden, yet refreshing. I really appreciate it.

[LAYAAN]

My new sweater for kids has a new pattern. I hope it works and I don't enter into a lot of troubles with it. I won't be able to knit much when my mom comes. I'm not really interested in showing her that I knit. I know what she is going to say "You should be studying instead. Where do these sweaters go? Can you even knit okay?" Why bother? Some things in my life are better left unshared with mom.

[marshmlofluff]

Hi Tinu. I'm drained right now...just got home from work. But I wanted to say that I think all of Annie's advice is very sound (as usual) and that I agree with her last few comments to the letter. I don't think you should turn someone down just because his parents write a corny dating headline and have a bad command of English; I actually think it is sort of sweet. If the guy himself is a jerk, then okay.

 

I also think that if what you have been doing for 11 years has not worked, that is a big sign that it is time to try something different. You worry about wasting time, which is a legitimate worry--but you say a decade has already gone by on the arranged market. Compared to that, a few months to date someone and get to know him is small peanuts. In my experience, thirtysomething men who are commitment-minded do not take years to let you know their intent; they want to move on with life, too. If they don't want to marry you, they dump you in a few months, so that they can move on.

 

Not all non-arranged-market men are like the fireman; don't judge an entire country by one man. The man who strung me along the longest was Indian, while the one most sincere and understanding, and most willing to commit was a white American who had never even been out of the US before I met him. In some thread or other Icarus27 called me "fortunate" in that I met a good man--yes and no. I had "fortune" only after a decade of getting dumped and getting my heart smashed many, many times, and getting up again and again and again and forcing myself not to become bitter, and after giving a man who was initially a little shy and awkward the benefit of the doubt and a chance to open up. Sadly, doing those things does not guarantee finding love, but not doing them almost certainly guarantees not finding it.

 

Anyway I am not necessarily suggesting that you date off the arranged market. What I am suggesting is a fundamental change in attitude, even on the arranged market. You are approaching both Eastern and Western style interactions with a spirit of fear. I guess we all feel that way; we've all been hurt. But you simply have to let your guard down to some extent if you want to find love. So try not to begin with the attitude that men and marriages are all bad, and that you have to prepare for the possibility of a marriage failing before you have even met the man.

 

I guess what I am saying is this: I read somewhere once that the problem is not finding love, but taking down the barriers we each have to letting it in. Food for thought.

 

I hope your studying is going well.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Marsh for writing.

You, Penny and Annie have all tried to help me. I guess I have some sort of learning disability that I just don't get the message. I have some sort of mental block due to fear of ending up alone, fear of wasting time... just lots of fears (as you correctly pointed out).

I appreciate what you and Annie suggested about the guy's parents writing some cheesy lines. I didn't want to get into the details but only one line is written about the boy. "Very rich, very handsome, very good family, the boy is PhD+MBA, looks like a prince." That's all. The profile is created by parents. Photo is kept hidden. I'm sorry. I've had enough bad experiences. A boy claimed to be from a very very rich family from India, claimed to be a doctor on east coast somewhere. He wouldn't answer phone when I called him. He said his work schedule is odd that he works at evening and early morning mostly and is home from 9 am to 5 pm. He asked me during our online chat "I'm very long and thick down there. I hope you are not petite, otherwise you are going to have a problem." Never revealed his photo online. He had a similar cheesy profile written on that matrimonial website. I just am tired of giving people pieces of my time. Its all fraud. No sane person would ever advertise their boy in just one line "very rich, very handsome, very good family, PhD+MBA, pure vegetarian, doesn't drink alcohol, only child" ... well basically there is nothing left to write.... all you could ever dream in a man is right here.... that's the attitude that is reflected. I can bet you on anything that its a fake profile. It sounds too good to be true.

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday and today ... I have been feeling very lonely. The weather is not helping. I have been coming home sitting down, and crying. Sometimes I think my medication is not helping me. I just want this whole PhD and pharmacy nonsense to be over. I crave crave for stability. I'm mentally and emotionally done with all this hard work.

[annie24]

Ok, so what is it going to take for this all to be over? This is what the leader of my dissertation support group says. Look at the calendar. If you want to graduate by a certain date, what needs to be done? ie, if you want to graduate by May 2011, when do you need to have your defense done by? when do you need to give your thesis to your committee? When do you need to inform them that you would like to graduate? If you look at the degree requirements for your department and for your graduate school, there should be some guidelines when these things have to get done by, and start working backwards. make a schedule for yourself.

 

can you find some other grad students who are working on their theses and have 'writing nights' with them? this is what i have done, and it was helpful. every tuesday night, my friends and i gathered at a coffee shop and wrote our theses together.

[LAYAAN]

What is it going to take for all this to be over... very good question.

My biggest problem is that my paper is stuck. Until that gets accepted I can't move on.

[annie24]

so, you have to get it unstuck. that means calling a committee meeting. having them decide together what is the next step. if it means more data, if it means taking it to another journal, what. exactly for reasons like this is why you have a committee. you have 5 professors who want you to succeed, so you have to take advantage of their collective wisdom and experience. you have to get this through, one way or another, so you can graduate and move on with your life.

 

so, what are you going to do this week to get unstuck?

[Ellie2006]

so, you have to get it unstuck. that means calling a committee meeting. having them decide together what is the next step. if it means more data, if it means taking it to another journal, what. exactly for reasons like this is why you have a committee. you have 5 professors who want you to succeed, so you have to take advantage of their collective wisdom and experience. you have to get this through, one way or another, so you can graduate and move on with your life.

 

so, what are you going to do this week to get unstuck?

 

Great advice as always.

 

BUT I do think one of the main problems that Tinu is facing is that she is burnt out -- not only by the whole dissertation process but also by the arranged marriage market.

 

Granted, you are the only one who can dig yourself out.

BUT but but ... sometimes, one simply cannot seem to find the energy to take the necessary steps, even if they are cognizant of what needs to happen.

 

This places you in the proverbial "rock and a hard place" -- you need to cut yourself some slack to re-energize yourself BUT unfortunately, taking time (in this particular scenario) tends to compound the problem.

 

Tinu, it may be hard but I think the best thing for you to do right now is to take a GENUINE break: MAYBE one to two days of NOT thinking at all about these issues that you are dealing with. I mean it, go cold turkey. Maybe even stay away from ENA during that time.

 

THEN maybe you can do what Annie suggested: making a realistic timeline to get one step closer to graduating, and getting yourself outta there!

 

I do understand what Annie is trying to say about the committee meeting. BUT the end of the day, this is all about you and you should set the ground rules.

You have been trained to assess what makes a good/publishable paper in your field.

Rely on yourself to figure out what changes need to be made to get your paper accepted.

 

The way I see it, the committee members may all have their separate agendas, which may actually hinder your efficiency.

You may still want to call a committee meeting OR you may want to select a couple people that you want to consult about revising your paper.

 

For example, I had a couple people on my committee whom I knew from the get-go that were going to be "useless."

I had to include them bc the university required that I have a certain number of faculty on my committee and for various other administrative/professional reasons.

 

But I knew going in that their main (and perhaps only) function would be to fulfill the headcount.

 

I *did* consider their feedback, to a certain extent.

And I did include some of their suggestions in my revision, but for the most part, it was only to appease them so that they wouldnt cause a ruckus during the defense. I knew that I would take all of that out when I developed my diss. into a book or a journal article.

 

This is what "I" did and may not work for others, so Tinu, you should take this with a grain of salt.

BUT it worked for me bc in the beginning, I was going crazy trying to figure out a way to incorporate all of these feedback, which sometimes were contradictory.

 

In sum, you really need to take charge and figure out what direction you need to take. You know all of this. You probably are the one who knows this best.

You just need a bit of time to figure it out.

 

How did things with your mom go? Has she gone? Is she still coming?

You know what? She might surprise you and give you some great advice and support that you need.

TLC from mom is always a great motivator.

 

cheers~

[annie24]

that's a good point ellie. I do have a very good committee, with 5 people who know a lot about my project and who want me to succeed. they haven't always been easy on me, but i know that they want me to do well. they've always made time for me whenever i've had a question or concern. I also realize that this isn't the case for everyone.

 

i agree that taking a short break of a few days to just relax might help.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Ellie and Annie. I am going to write more about this.

[LAYAAN]

What are my energy sucker areas?

1) Marriage -

Well I have realized that I need to take a complete break from marriage worry. I already have pulled my profile off one website. (My mom never knew I had that profile. I created it and I never told her anything about it.) The other website, my mom knows about it. She is not willing to pull it off. Some local marriage bureaus, she handles that. I can't cancel those. So, I'm not going to fuss about it.

I feel like I've been trying to put the cart before the horse all these years. Trying to get married, but that is not going to solve the tangle. Solving my PhD issue will solve the marriage issue. So, I need to pay attention to that. Worrying about marriage has been consuming my energy for a long time.

Another energy drainage has been how I have been treated in marriage market. I'm guilty of taking things personally and replaying them in my mind over n over. I need to develop some immunity towards the whole process. My mom is surprised that I've been on this market for a decade and I still can't figure out how to not take things personally and not have them get the best of me. In the end whether I get married or not what matters is that I stay emotionally healthy and live a good life. These insults and hurts don't matter in the long run. Why am I mad at men asking me finance-related Qs in the first meeting? That's just the nature of the game. You have a problem with it, you learn to deal with or get out of that system or best, advance your profile in a way that they won't have these Qs. Standing there and complaining about it is not going to help me. It is damaging my emotional health.

[LAYAAN]

My energy sucker areas

2) Grad school friends/colleagues

I have come to realize why grad school is so difficult. The coping resources are very few. You are working with difficult personalities. The very nature of the process is draining and nerve-wrecking. If you are in a healthy relationship with a supportive BF, thats a huge plus, but honestly, very rarely women get that support from their husband or BF. I've seen many examples of breakups because men just didn't know what exactly was happening to their GFs and why they were constantly stressed out/worried/anxious. Nothing these men did really helped. The breakup was inevitable. I really think, some of these relationships could have been saved, but that's not my area of trouble. The point is that a man just by the nature of his emotional make up, is mostly not capable to provide the kind of understanding and support that a career woman needs and desires.

Grad school stresses majority of students to a point that finding genuine friendship with colleagues is very difficult. Everyone has their own set of troubles in school and outside school (in personal life). I don't want to get together with my grad school friends and listen to their stories about their BF/husband issues. Not because I don't care, I just don't know what to suggest. If I were that smart, I wouldn't be struggling in my personal life. Grad school keeps a person so busy that its difficult to take time out to develop friendships outside school. As a result, people turn to their colleagues for the emotional support. There is a danger here - your personal stuff gets out in the professional world. Your colleagues know your very personal details which I absolutely hate. And you are never guaranteed the level of support and understanding you would get from a friend in non-professional world.

After the incidence in June, I have completely stopped interacting with my colleague. Its extremely draining for me to make even simple conversation with her. I dont' want to listen to her BF problems. My brain can't come up with any new solutions. Last night, I called another friend for some computer issues. She is having BF drama. She was talking about that. I prayed with her. That's all I can do. I gave her no suggestion. I didn't ask any Qs on what she was sharing. It probably makes me a bad friend, but I have so much going on in my own life that I have no energy to take interest in anyone else's life. I honestly don't even want to listen to their stuff because my own anxieties surface. Other friend has "holier than thou" attitude and I feel that listening to her talk just makes me more jealous about good things happening to others. I can't poison my mind with these feelings. I need to run my race and finish it.

I'm really glad that I have friends outside grad school. I meet with them and eat, go to play silly games, knit, etc. That's a little relaxation.

I have learned to observe my emotions when I'm with these colleagues. If its draining me unnecessarily, I just am not going to fuss about keeping the friendship. Its not worth it. Having a car is really a blessing. It takes me to different places. I joined knitting club, I go with meetup groups. That has helped me very much. My pharmacy friends help me a lot in taking my mind off school. I will be meeting them in person soon. I'm looking forward to that.

The point is learn to cope up emotionally with grad school and keep it outside professional world.

[LAYAAN]

I promised myself that I won't talk to my PI about the submitted paper. I will wait to hear from him. Well, I kept that promise, but I couldn't control myself. I prayed this morning, came to school and looked at the status of my paper on the journal website. Its still under review. Its already been more than a month. This wait is killing me.

[annie24]

ok, well that is a positive sign. if it's been a month, it's out to the reviewers for comments. hopefully in the next few weeks you will hear something.

[LAYAAN]

The girl in lab next to us has been coughing and sneezing for last few weeks. I bought airborne and has been taking it regularly. It provided some protection. Glad that I'm getting a flu shot today. I don't understand mentality of some people. They wont take medicine, they wont' even go to take a flu shot. Why are some people against taking flu shots? and mind you these are not common people. These are PhD biological sciences students. One girl said "Oh, over my dead body!" Why? Millions of Americans get flu shots every year. Are they mad? I take a flu shot every year. I found that it really helps me. My pharmacist friends take their flu shots. What is a big deal with it? Well, some smart PhD student came up with an explanation. "Well, you see, H1N1 vaccine hasn't been out for long, so we don't know exactly how effective it is and if it has any adverse reaction." Well, but its approved by FDA to be given to people. What do you say to that? Am I naive? idiot? Is there something that these people know that I don't? Grad students won't mind falling sick, losing precious work time, coming to work, infecting others, but they don't want to get vaccinated. What mentality is that?

[Batya33]

Well, when I was pregnant I had to find a mercury free flu shot which was very hard to find -perhaps your colleague is pregnant or trying to conceive -I wouldn't be so quick to judge. Some people are allergic to the flu shot

[marshmlofluff]

Yes; my father had a very bad reaction to it.

[annie24]

part of the reason i don't get it is that i almost never get the flu. i think in the last 20 years i've had it maybe 2 times? another thing is that i think it's a crap-shoot if the vaccine will be effective because the strains are chosen 9 months in advance of flu season. there have been some years where the vaccine was ineffective because of that. sometimes i get the vaccine though, if it's offered in a convient place/time.

 

i got really sick 2 weeks ago. i think it was either a bad cold or a mild flu. i don't think i need the shot now.

 

in general, i am very very pro-vaccine and i am vaccinated against pretty much every single thing except the flu.

[LAYAAN]

Well, when I was pregnant I had to find a mercury free flu shot which was very hard to find -perhaps your colleague is pregnant or trying to conceive -I wouldn't be so quick to judge. Some people are allergic to the flu shot

No, I completely get that. With you its a different story. These people have been with me in grad school for years. I know them. Its just the attitude they have. Sure, I understand the allergy concern, mercury concern. No, I'm not quick to judge. I know these people. These girls are not trying to get pregnant. They are conservative Christians. I know their values. And boys in grad school, I'm sure they are not worried about that either. Last year also, they said the same thing. Its their doubt in this vaccine that I find strange being a PhD biological sciences student.

[LAYAAN]

Yes; my father had a very bad reaction to it.

Sorry to know that... Some people do. That's understandable. Its rare though.