Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Marsh, are you doing okay?

[marshmlofluff]

Hi folks! I'm doing great. I'm in a new job, etc. Still reading, just still new on the job and the commute is brutal so these days I don't have that much time to write.

 

About the journal, I had to get a security clearance for my new job; they warned me they would look into my personal life and conduct...I got interviewed, the works. There was nothing I was particularly ashamed of in my Journal, but lately I'd just been feeling a little paranoid. My story is so unique that it could only be mine, and there were things in there that I'd tell a friend, but not necessarily a colleague.

 

My boyfriend had found the Journal via Google and I didn't care if he read it, but I got nervous that if he found it, maybe anyone could. Certainly anyone who read it and knew me would recognize me instantly even though I had not provided many details. Boyfriend also didn't like much that there was dirt about him available online--I can't blame him. He convinced me that nothing on the Internet is ever really anonymous, and I agreed and decided that I think I want to keep a low profile for a while.

 

Another thing is that being a professor I was kind of a public figure and as an introvert, that was such a strain on me. I have completely pulled my web presence for a while...I am un-findable via Google for the first time in years and I am so happy to have some privacy back.

 

No worries; I'll probably be back and journaling again soon. I'm following all of your journals!

[LAYAAN]

wow... I hear you. I worry about my privacy too. How did your BF find your journal? I mean what words did he enter that helped him find your journal?

Congratulations and best wishes on your new job.

[LAYAAN]

I don't like to see my professor's face unless I have to. I don't like saying hello to him. I just want to graduate and move on with my life. This is not uncommon at all. I've read so much about PhD students and their interaction with their professors. Its difficult. I try to see things in perspective and tell myself constantly "Its all going to be over. Hang in there." Its true though 'What doesn't kill you makes you stronger.' I definitely have a long way to go in terms of personal development, but I have come a long way. To work with someone like my PI, you need to have patience, courage, skills: both emotional and intellectual. He is not a bad person, but he can get really mean at times and lash back. He will take out his frustration on you.

I really really want to have a companion. Even a cat/dog would do. I tried to explain to my mom why I want to get married. She said to me "You should take initiative and learn to talk to more people and make friends." Sure, I learned to talk to people, I learned to take initiative. I got acquaintances. I didn't feel like I have a real close friend that has my back. May be its too much to ask for in marriage setting as well. I don't know. The need and desire I feel for companionship is strong. I've never felt this way before.

I'm tired of studying. This thing has been dragged out so long... its painful. I sometimes think that other PhD students who are in relationships are better off than me. They at least have someone who cares for them (according to the definition... again reality can be different). They can go home and relax. I have to come home and open pharmacy books and study. It is so freaking tiring. My soul cries out "Why, why... why me, why me?" True, I brought this upon myself. What would happen if I just sit home? get a simple BA or something and simply sit home, look pretty? I know that such women can still get married. I know their husbands feel less intimidated by their wives. Oh well... forget it... don't get sucked into making a sense out of something like desirability as a marriage partner. I really really want to know why I've been getting turned down serially in arranged market. Yes, I really want to know. But who am I going to ask? I should just quit trying to make sense out of this logically. There is no logic here. Its really all a matter of chance and luck.

[annie24]

I feel you, i really do. i need to turn in my dissertation in a few days, and here i am at home, sick with the flu. i'm feeling better today though, am going to go into lab and continue writing. sigh. i went through an entire box of kleenex in one day.

 

all i can say is figure out what you need to do to graduate, and work on knocking off those goals one at a time. ie, don't do extra or side projects anymore. just focus on what needs to get done, and go do it.

[LAYAAN]

Exactly... correct.

I suffered from flu on and off all this year. There is a girl next door (I've mentioned about this girl before). She would cough and sneeze freely. You can't tell her to use a tissue. She doesn't like to buy a kleenex box. How cheap can a person be? This just annoys me. I feel like buying a box of Kleenex for her and giving it to her so hopefully she can use it. I'm going to get a flu shot today. I have been going through bottles of airborne like mints. Can't take this anymore.

But I hear you. At least you are writing your dissertation. I am still struggling to get my paper accepted. PhD literally squeezes you to the core. I don't know how people have energy to get another degree right after PhD. But honestly, I think any degree is easier than a PhD.

Yes, I'm not doing anything extra anymore. I'm just hoping to get enough subjects to wrap up my study and move on man. I'm so freaking tired. I am dragging my feet. I want this to be over.

[LAYAAN]

Since I closed my matrimonial website account, I've been feeling a little better that I don't have to deal with some of those idiots and jerks. I'm studying regularly.

God, just take away this yearning for companionship or provide a man. What are you gaining really by keeping me in this trouble? I don't get it. I really really wish I could just find that part of brain that wants companionship so bad and cut it out. Life would be so much easier.

I'm sneezing like there is no end. Going to school today and tomorrow. Need to finish rewriting some of my proposal and I have a presentation coming up. There is no grade, nothing. I simply want it to be over. I don't care anymore. Yes, I've reached that stage in my PhD program where I simply want this journey to be over. I want to be out so bad. I don't care what journal takes my paper. I just want to be done.

Everytime we sent out a manuscript for peer review, I would sit down and go through a fasting and praying routine. I didn't do it this time. I wrote in my prayer journal. I'm tired of banging on your door God. I have no more energy. You do what you think is right. You will do that irrespective of what I feel and request, anyways. Why should I bother? Why should I get my hopes up by fasting and praying? I've never been this way before. I don't know if this is good or bad. I'm surprised at myself. I did not bother to read my religious book, fast after we submitted the paper. Why? Is it bad? What if God says "Well, you don't care anyways. Why should I bother?"

[annie24]

with all due respect, prayer isn't going to get your paper accepted into a journal. you're going to have to do something to improve the paper, one way or another. i suspect that a lot of the same reviewers have been reviewing your article all along, which is why it might be being rejected again and again. you yourself acknowledge that there are some problems with the experiments. you just need to do whatever it takes to improve it so that it is publishable in an appropriate journal for the field.

[LAYAAN]

My heart goes out to you. I wouldn't lump everything into one giant abstraction then hold that up as your identity. Your problems are not you, they are separate, resolvable challenges. Break them down into small, accurate and workable pieces--then address one thing at a time. Treat them like a project plan and target the details. Focus on subtasks, and let the big stuff shift on its own over time.

 

Your job is temporary, so treat it that way. Pretend you're a temp worker learning from a "don't" model. Self-train in things that interest you. Build yourself mini goals and study whatever will benefit you privately. Recraft your work into best possible practices. Design a training plan for your successor and stumble accross ways to improve your own work along the way. It's not about presenting these to someone there. You'll have documented improvements to demo to another firm--or at very least, you'll have 'found' some great resume language.

 

Point is, learning doesn't stop unless you brick wall yourself. Nobody else can do that 'to' you.

 

As for debt, same is true of most of us. No matter how little you make, break a small piece out of every paycheck to put into savings. This not only creates an emergency fund, its a psychological defense against having everything you earn sucked away. As your savings numbers increase, they become a bigger weapon against futility. Don't hold yourself hostage to figures when they're small. Just ignore them as you add to them. Revisit them later.

 

As for loneliness, research and locate the nearest cultural center or club most closely related to your home country. Then GO there. Observe, offer some form of contribution, and get yourself outside of living in your own head.

 

As for family, your sister isn't telling you anything new, so don't allow your mind to take on the job of resolving that stuff. Your folks are in charge of their own marriage. You're in charge of building the best possible life you can lead as a tribute to them. Work that.

[LAYAAN]

I had to pay $400 for getting my car fixed and I'm not happy about it. Why does my car keep on acting up? Why?

[marshmlofluff]

wow... I hear you. I worry about my privacy too. How did your BF find your journal? I mean what words did he enter that helped him find your journal?

Congratulations and best wishes on your new job.

 

Ah, that was a long story. Boyfriend Googled a six-word direct quote from my journal, but what I was far more concerned about was that I had given way too many details about myself--anybody stumbling accross it who knew me would immediately recognize me.

 

BF also pointed out to me that I had written some not unkind but less than flattering things about my ex, and that people might recognize him as well, and that wouldn't be right. I decided he was right. It wasn't just my privacy, it was BF's and ex-BF's at stake as well, and it really wasn't fair to pour my heart out.

 

Nothing is ever really gone from the Internet, but at least it's now harder to find.

 

I'd like to start writing again soon but I think I will be more careful what I write.

[LAYAAN]

I think I'm going to make my journal private now on.

[LAYAAN]

I have been incredibly unlucky in getting true friends. I've been there for people. I've always (Yes, I mean it) helped them. When my car broke down, my friends wouldn't come to help me. When one finally agreed, I could clearly see the frustration on her face. "Lady, when you needed help, I bent over backwards to help you. How often have I asked you for help?" Now, you are having trouble returning my favor? I'm an independent person. I would walk to the grocery store when I didn't have a car. I never requested my friends to take me here there. There were years when I had no social life what-so-ever. If my friends would offer to take me only then I would go. So, these women know very well that I don't just go asking around for help.

That is the reason why I want to get married. I want someone that I can count upon, someone who has my back. My friends are no more than just people to hang out with. They are no better than plain acquaintances. Its incredibly frustrating that I've been so genuine and kind to these women and not have the favor returned when I really needed help.

The only decent person (and I say it cautiously) from grad school that I'm friends with, came back yesterday to return the money I gave her. Her family was coming and she said she was struggling financially, so I charged some supplies for her on my credit card. I had to ask her if she could pay me back that money, she said yes and she gave it back. I really appreciate that.

Its wise not to expect anything from grad school colleagues. I'm glad to have some friends outside grad school. I have been so burned by some recent experiences, that I keep my distance with everyone these days.

[LAYAAN]

"Sometimes the best decision is to not decide. Allow people to earn your time, and don't give any passes to those who won't learn how to behave."

[LAYAAN]

The arranged marriage journey is really a test of how much nonsense you can tolerate both before and after the wedding, into real married life. May be my standards are a little too high. I want to be treated with respect and kindness. That's too much to ask for.

Two incidences happened in a period of last 2 days. My mom now thinks that *I* am the one with issues.

1) This boy is in the US, in my time zone. His sister-in-law handles all this marriage business. So, the girls can pass ahead only after her approval. Now, the lady is not in the US. It didn't make sense to me to talk to someone, not even the guy himself, and adjust according to their timezone. Alright, but I did. We agreed on Saturday morning my time 7am. The lady canceled and sent me an email 4 hours before. I was asleep I didn't see the message. I got up and logged on, saw that she couldn't make it at that time. Then we agreed on another time. She again didn't show up online to chat. I waited 20 minutes. Finally I sent an email that I waited online for you. Seems like our timings don't match. Is there anything that I can answer in email? No word from her. I had to update my mom on this or else she would eat me up, so I did.

2) This guy turned around my honest mistake and his dad called my mom "Your daughter said that she actually wanted to call her guy friend, but dialed my son's number instead. She also said that it was a mistake that she called my son." My mom called me mad as hatter and said "Its so difficult to get you married. First of all you are not beatiful/young/engineer. Now you are also acting rude."

My mom thinks that I'm the one with all problems. That I have a problem that I consider certain "normal" behaviors in marriage market as offensive. Why can't I just understand that that's the part of the game? It hurts so bad. My mom can't control these people. That's one thing. But she doesn't even want to understand me. This is another. That hurts more. I'm the one who is always wrong. I feel so alone. Now, my mom is coming here. I just want those days to be over. I mean it.

[LAYAAN]

I had a very bad dream last night. I clearly remember my mom and myself had a fight and I left home wanting to kill myself again. I went to the train station. The night was dark. I remember lying on the tracks hoping that a train would arrive and I would be dead. I used a dim light just bright enough to see where I was going, but dim enough so that people won't spot me.

Then suddenly I found myself back at home. I saw myself sitting with an old man. I recognized him. He is my grandpa's friend. I have no clue why I saw him. Then I saw that I was at someone's funeral service.

I have no clue what this dream means. I woke up with a shock and I'm still sweating and my heart feels so heavy.

[LAYAAN]

It has been raining here for last 2-3 days. The change in weather is really refreshing. The grass by my building looks so luscious green... I can sit there staring at it for hours. It looks like the grass in my avatar. The trees and flowers all look clean and happy. The air smells fresh.

[LAYAAN]

Awesome! I finished my 2nd sweater for a child. Its an awesome feeling. I'm so glad I was able to complete it. I didn't want to leave it uncompleted. I was afraid I would burn out. But finally I did finish yet. Yes! that feels good.

[marshmlofluff]

Awesome! I finished my 2nd sweater for a child. Its an awesome feeling. I'm so glad I was able to complete it. I didn't want to leave it uncompleted. I was afraid I would burn out. But finally I did finish yet. Yes! that feels good.

 

Think how good finishing your PhD will feel.

[LAYAAN]

YEs, it definitely will feel good. I can't wait.

[LAYAAN]

My mom recently told me. She said to my dad "Its sad how our marriage never had love. I was too timid to leave and file for a divorce. It hurts me very deeply that I stayed in a loveless marriage. The only reason why I didn't commit suicide is because I have a female child and I didn't want to see her suffer. I know how your (immediate) relatives are. I know how useless you are as a dad. If I were to die, I knew my child would suffer. Noone would take care of her. You probably would remarry and you would even get another girl."

This is so sad... this is just so sad. Both of my parents are in their early 70s. It must be so sad to hear this from your spouse. My mom says that a lot of couples (at least) in India just keep it up in a dead marriage. I know for sure my cousin sister is one of them. She is keeping on for her child. She was so depressed with her marriage situation, she tried to set herself on fire. It hurts deep inside to see women from same family struggling in their marriages.

Why are happy marriages so few? What can be done to create happiness and peace in marriage? Noone, no man, no woman... noone should just keep it up in a bad, dead marriage where the other partner contributes nothing to their marriage. I really feel bad for my mom. I can only imagine the regret she feels for staying with a man for 40 years in a dead marriage. These things hit you hard especially when you are old and realize that most of your life is over and you could have done so much with your life otherwise. I really really hope that the history doesn't repeat with me.

[annie24]

if your mother is so unhappy in her arranged marriage, i wonder why she tries to force the same thing on you?? doesn't that strike you as odd?

[LAYAAN]

Sure, that is odd, but it doesn't mean much because she forced me to talk to men and/or their relatives. According to her if I want to get married through arranged marriage system, this is inevitable and she is right about that. I'm not saying that what she does is right, but I can understand where she comes from. In arranged marriage system, the older you get, the less desirable you are. Young girls replace you within a second. Also, its not just about younger girls replacing you, its because their education takes mostly a year or so, and they are out there minting money, so they are more desirable that women like me. I'm not saying this to put myself down, its not about low self-esteem either. Its about hard facts of life. I'm not saying that women who bring all this to the table are taken off the market right away either. But if you do bring all this to the table, your chances of getting picked are much much higher in arranged market. My mom knows that. She sees that the marriage market is drying up. She is concerned about getting her daughter married. I understand that. Sure, she gets on my nerves. But I worry about my marriage too. So, I'm adding fuel to the fire by my behavior at times.

It is my decision to keep standing in arranged marriage despite everything I have faced. The main reasons are - commitment to marry and - possibility of finding a man from similar background (religion, upbringing, education)

If I can get that in western world of dating I really am willing to leave marriage market in a second. These are really 2 things that I'm not sure I'll find by dating method. I know that people get married in this part of the world too. The fireman ex has left a bitter taste in my mouth in terms of dating. My major fear is to waste time and emotions on a man. I don't know how to deal with that issue. My lack of desire to have kids is a huge problem in arranged market. So, I really wish I can try dating in the western world.

[LAYAAN]

I have been going to my friend's place for a while, to help her, to sit with her etc. She has a 2.5 year old daughter. I don't have patience with kids. I don't like to listen to the whining, crying, screaming. I don't know if there is a facility where I can go to get used to being around kids and developing patience. My interaction with her kid reminds me that I'm currently really happy not to have a kid in my life. It also reminds me that I need to take this lack of desire for kids more seriously. My friend is adding to this by saying "You are happy. I'm telling you. All marriages get monotonous after a while. Then a baby comes. And you are doing only chores. Running around. What the heck was I thinking? My life was so much better when I used to go for volunteering, come home, cook with my husband. I really was happy and content. What was the need to have a child and add to the responsibility? But I bought into this nonsense out of fear "What if I want kids later and are unable to have them?" Now I have a child, my husband wants another one. I'm already exhausted."

[LAYAAN]

I called my mom last night. She wanted me to talk to someone. Well first of all, the profile was created by his parents. Then the photo was kept hidden. And more importantly, the wording of the profile was "Looking For a Cute Sweet looking Girl For our Unbelivable (yes its spelled this way) Charming Prince, the girl should be Like an Angel." I declined interest in communicating any further.

I told my mom exactly what has been written. She didn't understand what it meant. I had to break it down for her. She said "Its okay, you don't know the boy yet. Don't judge him based on his parents." I told her that I wasn't feeling like going ahead at all with someone whose parents use such kinda words and someone who gives permission to his parents to use those kinda words. That tells you how self-absorbed or careless these people are.

God, please give me patience and strength to deal with the frustrations in marriage market. Please help keep me sane. Help me have faith and not lose hope.