Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Yes, if only his area is targetted then you can guess who might be doing this. I don't know if its considered unethical to trash someone's work area like this or not. I didn't hear any complaints were filed other than letting security know. Yes, its scary!

[annie24]

errr, yes, i would say it's unethical as well as illegal. breaking and entering, destroying someone's property, etc....

[LAYAAN]

Awesome! my mom is coming here in month of Nov. She told me today on phone that I'm a loser and I've made serially wrong decisions in my life.

I'm crying. I really feel so alone in my life right now. I feel so discouraged and down. I have no positive inforcement in my life. I have noone that will cheer for me, that has my back. I just want to kill myself. Why am I even alive to go through this?

[anu1560]

Because you are a honest person who has integrity, patience, and strength and is cute and takes innocent pride in as small stuff as able to do your own makeup from watching youtube to getting to know a city all by herself. And these qualities are worth living for and worth fighting for. Someday you will really meet someone really really special.

 

I haven't seen you but I find some of your innocent little posts really cute.

 

Mom's are always like that. My mom gets annoying many times because she is so traditional and I am not. So when she gives me all bs lectures, I just shut myself down and nod. But I do what I actually want to do. I love her but cannot help being annoyed at her when she is all negative. So bear her travel and try to enjoy it. She will cook yummy food for you. Eat good food. Take her around. Talk to her. BUT DON'T LISTEN TO HER.

 

Hey Tinu. Lots of Hugs from me. Couldn't find the Hugs smiley. But still lots of Hugs.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you so much Anu. Yes, some days are very very difficult for me.

I called my mom and told her not to tell me any negative stuff anymore. I'm all by myself here. There are weeks when I don't talk to more than 2-3 people. I'm battling depression, dealing with a hard professor, studying, and trying to cheer myself up so I can push through this phase. I don't need any negativity from outside. I told her if you have nothing positive to say to me... please don't say anything to me. That still would be helpful.

Man,... PhD is really a hard time in anybody's life... add to it being a foreign student, ... just terrible man... you have almost no support system. The only support I have is this forum. I almost don't talk to anyone else about my issues. Everyone has their own thing to take care of.

[LAYAAN]

link removed

[annie24]

hang in there tinu. please don't kill yourself. you do have a lot on your plate right now. i'm not sure what your mom's 'goal' of the visit is?? to convince you to drop out of school? i don't know what is going on. stay true to yourself tinu. you are a nice person and you will feel so much happier once you are finished with your education. you are so close now, don't let your mom talk you out of it.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie for a supportive post. No, I don't know either. My mom just wants to see me and talk to me. I told her today that at this time, I don't want to think about quitting PhD. I want to give it some more time and see if we can push a paper out. I also told her that she should not talk to me again if she wants to call me failure.

[LAYAAN]

Death seems attractive these days. Pain seems to be never ending. I don't expect anything but happiness, calmness for myself. Expectations may never be met. Yes, I'm okay if there is no marriage in my future.

I don't really have a problem with suicide. My fear is that I may not be successful and it would be huge deal that I tried to kill myself. Why is suicide considered a crime? It should not be. Who is the government to decided if I should kill myself or not when they can't take care of people?

Yes, I know I have a strange relationship with my mom and practically no relationship with dad, but I can't see my mom dead because of me. That is one of the major reasons I'm alive.

Also, I have now read enough about 'karma'. You work off your karma. If you don't and try to cut corners and die early, you still have the karma that you need to work off. According to my belief system, I'll take birth again on this earth and will have to work off the assigned karma remaining to be worked off from this birth. Why bother? Hopefully God sees the pain, the frustration. There is no point in trying to die early.

[LAYAAN]

So I watched on Oprah that "what you know in your 30s really comes alive in your 40s and crystallizes in 50s. So stop freaking about about aging."

Hopefully I learn something from that.

[anu1560]

By the way Tinu, I wrote those things not just to cheer you up. I read your posts and I believe you actually have those qualities. No one writes lies here in forum because they genuinely want advice. You certainly have poured your heart out here which many of us are still afraid to do. I agreed with one post of Marsh where she wrote why she comes back to your page. So hang on there. Its worth it certainly.

 

PhD is tough. You wrote told me once. Single woman, pursuing PhD, in foreign country, no family support in this country, little support from phone calls from home since they hardly understand what PhD means or what it takes, is a loooooooottttt on someone's plate. And we all have our bad days.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Anu. Yes, I'm hanging in there.

[LAYAAN]

Well, yesterday I had to drop my friend/colleague at the station. That's not the point. So, I've written about this girl. Sorta a yo-yo relationship (or perceived sense of a relationship... something like that) with a guy. She asked me the night before if she was handling it right by taking a break for 2 days from school and going to his place to hang out. I didn't really answer the Q. Ever since the incidence happened with my so-called friend at school, I have decided that I will not say anything that is not positive to my friends. Yes, even if they ask for advice. What's the point? She has already made up her mind. A guy who wouldn't give her straight answers about where she stands in terms of relationship, or what is his relationship with other girls, this woman is still friends with him and now wants to relax by going to meet him. Its obvious that she wants to give it a chance or still feels for him whatever. I don't want to lose this friend by telling her what I think she should do.

I have realized that people don't take it well if you give them unasked advice. Friendship means different things to different people. If I consider someone my friend I warn them if I think they are headed towards self-destruction and misery. I'm not harsh when delivering my message, because that's not my nature. If they don't listen, its upto them. But I realized that when people are ready to take some action, they either have thought it through or don't care to know what you think anyways. Its an attitude adjustment for me from what I used to believe, but I'm doing it now and I'll continue to do it. May sound selfish, cold, fake, but I really don't want to lose any more of my support system by giving them any advice. So, I said to her with a plain face "umm... no, I don't really have any opinion on this. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry." And I ended the matter there itself.

I'm proud of myself for not taking the bait and not giving her my opinion. I hope I continue this.

[annie24]

heck, you are so busy, i wouldn't have even dropped her off at the station. tell her to take a cab on the way back. in the end, what happens or doesn't happen with this guy and her doesn't even affect your life.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know if its just my school Annie, but constantly students are going here there, they ask their friends for a ride to the airport or train station. I can say no. I have said no before to my so-called friend who started acting out. When she needed a ride I'm expected to be there for her, but when I need a ride, she can't because she doesn't like to drive and she is busy. I noticed this trend and I told myself whatever happens, I won't give her a ride. The truth is that taking taxi is costly. Its much easier to ask a friend instead.

I have realized that in this graduate school (I don't know about others), you have to give some and hopefully you will be able to take some. You can't give others excuses and not be there for them and expect that they will help you out when you need help. That won't happen. Remember how I cut the other friend off? I noticed a trend and I said forget this. She struggled to get a ride, who cares? I'll see you struggle, but I will not help you because you are selfish.

[annie24]

of course taxis are expensive. it does make more sense for a grad student to get a ride. however, make sure that those people you are helping are helping you too when you need it.

[LAYAAN]

Yes I agree with you Annie. If there is no give and take, what's the use of having a "friend" that takes you for granted and takes advantage of you.

[LAYAAN]

The fireman called me his GF and it was expected from me that I would sleep with him.

I didn't fulfill that expectation. So, I didn't meet the duties of a GF.

 

The fireman called himself my BF. I expected him to be sensitive to my needs and desires, be warm and kind, ask me to stay the night instead of driving back home at midnight on a foggy, chilly night. He didn't fulfill that expectation. So, he didn't meet the duties of a BF.

 

Who is wrong? Who is right? A simple logic can be

"Who are you pointing fingers at? You were not a good GF either."

"You are not sleeping with me, I'm not bound to be protective of you."

"You didn't give me what I'm looking for, you won't get what you are looking for. Its simple."

 

I have this burning desire to understand why things went south. I can't stop analyzing. I need to forget about trying to find out why fireman behaved badly with me.

[annie24]

don't worry about it. it's in the past, done and gone. nothing you can do, and thinking about it won't help either. use your analytical brain to think about more important things.

[anu1560]

My personal experience with past relationship experiences, you never get answers. You will probably never know why that guy behaved badly with you. And sometimes, it is better you don't know. Sometimes you will find your own answer. And sometimes, enough time would have passed that you won't care about why he behaved so bad. So it is better to leave past in past. Again, for me it is easier said than done and I know that.

 

And if you not sleeping with him made him loose interest in you, then he was actually not your kind of guy really. Your values and his values clashed. So forget it. Take it as a lesson.

[marshmlofluff]

I think Anu and Annie's advice is spot on.

 

And you know, someday in the future if you really still are curious, maybe you should just sit down and have a talk with him, for purposes of closure.

[LAYAAN]

My craving to shop for cosmetics, personal care and bath and body products is very difficult to control especially on weekends. I told myself that I will not shop for another soap, shampoo and conditioner, eye shadow until I've completely used up the last bit I have in each category. I simply can't understand why I have this itch to shop for additional products. I put on make up to look natural. How stupid is that! but hey I'm doing it.

I watch lots and lots of tutorials on youtube. That is my favorite timepass. So, finally, I went to the store to look at goat milk soaps. Simply looked at 'em.

But I ended up buying

- a foundation primer

- and a white eyeliner soft kohl pencil from Rimmel.

- Maybelline Lash discovery mascara in black - the wand is tiny, works well for lower lashline.

- covergirl tinted moisturizer in shade 810

The products are great no doubt! I have used some really cheap eye pencils before and I can tell the difference. This one is softer, creamier, and glides on skin. The foundation primer feels good on skin, but I can't tell yet if it really prolongs the staying power of foundation.

I buy these cosmetics, I like them and then I experience buyer's remorse. I really had to stop myself from buying additional covergirl lashblast mascara. I like it. Works really well. Okay... stop. Otherwise I'll go to the stores tomorrow and buy an additional tube of mascara. Control, control. I think its easier to be a man, you can save so much on cosmetics. Head to toe, use one product and done.

I should have gotten waxing job done today, I didn't... huh! I wasted money on trying hard wax and it just didn't work. I went back to using all purpose honey wax. I'm soaking my scalp in a blend of jojoba oil + grapeseed oil (with other essential oils) to grow hair on my head. I'm waxing other hair and rubbing creams that they grow back slower. Aren't women strange?

[Pkittie]

Avon lipsticks are cheap, very good quality & good colors. You are a woman Tinu, you have every right to pamper yourself. Cut yourself some slack....

[LAYAAN]

Cut some slack? Sure, I wouldn't mind if I had that kinda money. Lady, I've a drawer full of cosmetics now. about $5-$8 per mascara, lipstick, eye shadow quad, eye pencil, eye liner, foundation, etc. You do the math.

I have cut myself enough slack already. If I run out I should buy, not before that. I haven't tried Avon lipsticks though.

[LAYAAN]

So, I'm done knitting my 1st kid sweater. The pattern was very simple. I will start the 2nd kid sweater soon. That pattern is more complex. I've learned garter stitch, stockinette stitch, mattress stitch seaming.