Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

cool!!! study buddies help.

[LAYAAN]

I feel extremely under pressure today. It is becoming impossible for me to keep my eyes on the goal and keep studying with no involvement of emotions. I tried going into counseling. Its difficult for me to explain to my counselor why I feel pressured. I am unable to explain why I feel anxious and how my personal decisions are pending.

I will write a little later today more about it.

Yes, I've been trying to look at the brighter side, that is not helping alleviate the pressure. It really is not helping.

[penelope13]

If you have trouble explaining yourself to your therapist, maybe you want to consider printing out this thread and showing it to her/ him? - I think this thread gives a very good insight into your thinking/ emotional patterns and struggle. Don't be afraid that it is too detailed. The more your therapist knows, they more he/she can help you.

[penelope13]

Maybe try this: define for each day a realistic, but challenging study goal. When you manage to reach your goal, "reward" yourself by allowing yourself (without any guilt) to daydream about your future life with a partner.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Penny, Yes, I do that. Every evening, I create a task for the next day. I'm telling myself to put emotions at bay and focus on the task at hand and do my best. I also have been telling myself to hang in there. Since I have a study buddy, it helps to push me to study.

[LAYAAN]

I don't claim that I understand myself. What has my life come down to? A boss who doesn't care for me... A PhD that isn't going anywhere .... I've lost all passion for that degree. I hate it because it is the major road block for me to get married on arranged market. I'm all alone. I work like a dog 12-14 hours a day. I have no personal life. I should just stop before I go spiraling down in self-pity. On weekdays, all I see is my boss and another 2-3 people in the building. I come to an empty home. If my mom is okay, she will talk properly with me, if not, she will start saying negative stuff. Why am I even alive to go through what I'm going through? Why did I call this upon myself? I can't even be honest in my journal, because people think I'm depressed or suicidal. If there was a sureshot way to die, I would consider it. They wonder why I don't get the message. I don't know why I don't get the message. Once my paper is turned in, I just want to go somewhere where I hope to gain some peace of mind and regain focus. In month of June, I had an argument with that girl from lab next door. Now, I don't even have a friend to hang out with. All my colleagues go home and rest and have fun. Right from day 1 of my grad school, I came home, did a part time job, if not that, studied for my pharmacy step 1, step 2, now step 3. There is still no guarantee that I will get a job, that I will get a visa sponsor. I feel tired, worn out, burned out, but I have to keep going. What's the point of working so hard? So, I can give my income to an idiot husband? My parents don't understand me. I haven't told my prof about my pharmacy deal. I dont' want to. Its none of his business. The only fun I have is to go for walk, and go grocery shopping. I don't want to get married. I know life wont' be all rosy after marriage.... especially if men are asking me today "How much money you will make?" "Will you get a job after delivering a child?" No, I won't go looking for a job if I find out that I am pregnant with your child. Probably I will kill myself if I found out that I am pregnant with yourchild. What's the point of even getting married to someone like this and making my life miserable? Isn't it enough miserable already? Didn't other girls get married? What are they doing? Aren't they sitting home? Didn't they find men who will take care of them? What makes me think that I won't find a man like that? May be I should look a little more hot... Yes, I can find a man who can take care of me then. I will tread sex and beauty, housekeeping, caring, cooking skills for free lodging, boarding, surname then. Why not me? Why is it difficult for me to find a free meal?

[LAYAAN]

I'm guilty of sharing some of school-related frustration with my mom. Okay, you can vent, but she doesn't and won't understand where you are coming from. She can't fathom what you talk about. So, her only solution is "If you are this miserable, come back. What else do you want me to say?" and then begins a quick review of mistakes "I told you not to go to pharmacy school. I told you not to work right after pharmacy school. I told you not to go to the US for PhD." on and on and on. I quickly hung up the phone. Pray to God instead. He listens without any grumbling. You need to take the decisions in your personal and professional life and you need to pray and seek counsel of wise people before taking further steps. Coming to USA wasn't a mistake. Yes, you would have stayed back home and you would have looked for something else. I get that. But coming to USA wasn't a mistake. Joining a PhD wasn't a mistake. Things are currently tough and thats okay. Life isn't smooth-going always. Especially if you are in a foreign country, in a challenging program, yes, life will be difficult. But you need to hang on, press on and do your best.

Please don't think about going back to 40+year olds you met in marriage market. These decisions are costly. Remember, in worst case scenario, you can quit PhD. If you marry one of those 40+ olds, divorce wont' be easy and you may be required to get pregnant within a few months of marriage (as per the conversations). Please don't waste your precious time thinking about all those things. Here you are, look ahead in life. Start working on other paper. Talk to your boss. If he doesn't agree, go again. Hang in there. Pray regularly. Write here. Talk to your friends and other colleagues. Everyone faces challenges. That doesn't mean that you just cop out and look for the easiest exit. Please please, dont' compare yourself with your other married friends. You do not know what's going on in their personal lives. Just because they are married, doesn't mean that their lives are happy, that their husbands are at peace with their women. Remember, that marriage may prove to be a very costly solution to a temporary PhD problem. You are closer to the finish line. Learn to deal with life's frustrations. Hang on. Many have walked in your shoes before, in even worse situations... you can't make life by giving up, quitting, surrendering. Come here, vent. Thats okay, but vent and get over it. What is important is that you spring back. Use all the resources you have to cope up with the situation. You will come out stronger and fine. Currently, focus on getting your pharmacy exams out of your way. Hang in there in the PhD program. You dont' have leverage to talk right now. Remember, if you get your boss mad now, you get out with nothing. Don't mess up. Finish your exams.

[LAYAAN]

So, finally I decided to not address the issue with the friend at school. Its so difficult to run into her on a daily basis.

But I did something good for myself - I've been studying diligently for my exams. I am knitting a sweater for charity and have completed about 10.5 inches and have joined a knitting group near my house.

I got on the matrimonial site, declined interest in the recent guy, and gave away his jacket to a homeless guy. It still hurts when I think about the whole incidence.

Submitted the proposal to the boss.

Hanging in there... trying to stay positive. Reading a book on happiness. Some of the research on happiness is surprising.

[WildIrishRose]

Hang in there Tinu. It's good that you joined the knitting group, because that can be a social and relaxing activity. The darkest hour is before the dawn. Keep putting one foot in front of the other.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you WildIrishRose for the support. I keep reminding myself that.

[LAYAAN]

I feel so deeply hurt inside with the recent incident about the Chicago guy literally betraying my trust. I've to pay my credit card soon, I've to pay for some research expenses. I'm just sitting here... breathing... mom said she will send me some money.

I yearn for companionship, seems like that is too much to ask.

I deleted my matrimonial profile on the website today. I want to stop looking entirely, completely. I'm so fed up. What's the use of meeting these low class men? and getting treated like dirt. I feel so low at this point.

I went to my personal email account and deleted all emails from all these men. Just want to call my mom and cry. I have lost faith in this system entirely.

One of my friends from the grad program used to scratch herself until she would bleed. She said she was hurting so much inside that she didn't know what to do with all that hurt and pain? I seek comfort in sweets, my other friend works out... well thats atleast better than eating.

Well, now since I've deleted my account online... I hope to gain some perspective and rest from looking in the mean time.

[marshmlofluff]

The Chicago guy sounds like a horrible guy. I am sorry you had to go through that. Things could have been much worse though; you could have married him. Think of things this way--all you lost was some money--and you didn't even really lose it, because you took a trip and had an adventure. You learned an important and valuable lesson about not trusting people before they earned your trust. And above all you treated him well and you can go to bed at night knowing that you did nothing wrong.

 

In regards to companionship, stay as calm as you can. If you want companionship and genuinely work toward it, you will almost certainly find companionship. I have met very few women who stayed unmarried forever, except by choice. The absolute best thing you can do toward finding companionship is to pass your exams and then finish your PhD as fast as you can. You know that, and that is what you are doing, and you are doing your best. There is nothing more you can do.

 

Stay off the matrimonial site for a month or two. Give yourself some time to breathe and calm down. When you return to it, I think you will feel much better. Congratulations on studying so hard and on joining the knitting group.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Marsh.

I hope to gain some peace by deleting my account today. I hope to concentrate more and more on my studies from now.

[marshmlofluff]

Thank you Marsh.

I hope to gain some peace by deleting my account today. I hope to concentrate more and more on my studies from now.

 

I'm happy to hear that. You are doing well...keep going. I have seen all of my graduate colleagues complete their PhDs--almost uniformly, a year or two after graduating, they have their degree, their personal and professional lives have improved massively, and the travails of being a graduate student are just a distant memory. The same will happen for you. Just keep breathing and keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on your path, and soon you will reach better days. Really.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, that is true. I've heard so as well.

[LAYAAN]

I went to our local public library and picked up a book "The ultimate happiness prescription" 7 keys to Joy and Enlightenment, Deepak Chopra. Currently I'm reading that, knitting the sweater, studying and editing my proposal. Its pretty busy, but its good.

I'm hanging in there. I studied today. I feel good.

[Pkittie]

Tinu you are doing great...so very positive. I'm happy for you...

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Poochie. I appreciate the support.

[LAYAAN]

My mom told me today that she wants to come here to talk to me. My visa has expired and I don't want to take a chance of not getting a visa by going out of USA and then probably getting stuck. So, she wants to come here.

She told me that I must think about where my life is headed. I left India hoping that getting a PhD in the US will bring something better in my life.

1) I have to constantly deal with visa issues until I get a green card in the US. Getting green card is a long tedious process.

2) Until I finish my degree and am able to show that I have a job, no Indian man in arranged market is even willing to look at me. They all are asking the same Q about job.

3) My parents are getting old and they really want me to come back to India. They own a home and even if I don't get married, I can at least find a job there and live in their house.

4) My parents are not sure that I'll get a PhD here. Its been 6 long years with no real end in sight.

5) I have been telling my mom that I've to hang in here for my pharmacy exams too. She is asking me "What's the point of studying for those exams when you wont' even stay in the US? How long has that been going on? forever..."

I told her "Yes, it seems like forever mom, but now if I leave without taking the last 2 exams, all I've toiled for goes into waste. Whether I get a chance to stay in the US or not, I have to complete the process and give myself a chance to get licensed in this country."

 

My mom has given me 3 options -

1) Unless you quit/finish PhD in the US and show a job, you can't get married. If you want to continue staying in the US in a silly hope that I'm going to get a PhD, then I just basically have to forget about any possibility of getting married from this point on, because there really are no men left in arranged market. Most men are now 26-30 age range.

2) Come back to India, you at least have a roof over your head. Your parents need your help too. We need to look into adding your name to the house, other legal matters, etc. Find a job here, if not, we will find something else. But at least this struggle will be over.

3) Come back to India in decent time, you will be able to get married and settle down. There are still a few men interested there. They have gotten in touch with my parents. My parents want me to talk to these men, but I can't leave the US right now because of visa issues.

 

Overall, my mom wants to come here to talk to me. She wants me to seriously think about whether I will be able to finish my PhD by next May or not. If not, she wants me to quit it now, leave with an MS and call it a day.

This is too much pressure on me. I don't know how to handle this.

[annie24]

no offense against your mom tinu, but her pressure really isn't what you need right now. i think what you really need to do, i know i've said this so many times, is to sit down, have a committee meeting with your professors and try to come up with a graduation plan. i am very serious

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I have looked into it. My professor is out of state right now. I have submitted my proposal to him so I can stand in front of the committee and say that I have done my part. When he comes back I'm going to call a committee meeting. I couldn't call it before that because I had not submitted a written copy of my proposal.

[annie24]

i think you should talk to your profs anyways, maybe one on one. just tell them that you are having a hard time and see what they suggest.

[LAYAAN]

Okay... Thanks Annie.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know what's happening in the lab... my boss is out of town. One of his students (that works on entirely different project from me) wasn't there in the lab at night, I don't know what time. But someone broke into his work area x2 and broke all the equipments, threw glassware on the floor and left. I came to know this because another non-tenured professor asked me if I saw anyone at night.

I said "No, I stay in my cabin since my work is mostly confined to computer. I'm editing my proposal, I've no reason to roam around. When I'm here at night, I secure all the doors. If I hear footsteps outside, I don't bother going outside to find out what's happening around. What you are describing is scary and should be reported to the security and must be investigated. This person who broke into his working area has keys to this area, that means they can open any other lab too. That is scary. I have confidential information here that I keep secure in the locked cabinets, but I'm scared now."

Interestingly she said "Oh, we kinda know who must have done this."

huh....

This man has been married to someone for I guess for about a year and (I didn't go looking for information), I saw his wife in the same dorm I live in. I obviously looked surprised and initiated a 'hello' which I think I shouldn't have. I might have embarrassed her.

Later the front desk worker who also is my friend from grad school said to me "Why do you look surprised? She has been staying here as an official resident since last 3 months or so." I obviously didn't know that. I had no reason to. I never discussed it with anyone that I saw her in the dorm.

And now this... I didn't go to lab last night. I went this morning instead.

Whatever has happened is wrong and I think its unethical, I'm not sure though because the lady appeared quite calm when she said this to me. I hope they investigate it further.

[annie24]

oh, so you think it's his wife and they are on the rocks?? if they targeted him and no one else, that makes sense.

 

if it's just a random thief, they would have stolen stuff, and not damaged a specific person's things.

 

scary!!!!