Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

How awesome is this! My nephew in 3rd grade sent me an email.

"Hello Aunty, how are you? I'm gundu (his pet name). This is my drawing." I don't know why my eyes are welling up. He is so innocent and just so much fun to be around. I've never interacted with kids really. I get annoyed with kids. I have little patience with them. I guess this is the reason why people have kids, to have someone around who is this innocent, pure, trusting... I guess that must be special.

[LAYAAN]

Why is your friend meddling with your affairs? Do you really have time/ energy to be worrying about this?

 

I though you are supposed to take your exams in September. That's only a few days/ weeks away. You should be in full time study mode.

 

It's really not that much longer and then you can rethink your marriage strategies.

She is not meddling. I'm letting her.

Exactly... thats the Q I was asking myself... why are you wasting your time entertaining yourself with completely useless matters? Why cant I focus on my studies?

As it turns out, I'm not ready to take exams in Sept. How will I be? I'm running around wasting time and day dreaming about men. I hope to be ready by October instead of Sept. There is no point in taking the exam without preparation and I have noone to blame but myself. I'm wasting time man... I don't know why I'm doing that.

[penelope13]

Are you sabotaging yourself? (This is meant as food for thought only):

 

"You know you want to take the exam and that you need to study, however somehow you allow yourself not to do so. It could be that you are using the 'I am not done with my PhD/exams yet' as a justification for yourself why you haven't found a man yet. As long as you are not done with your studies you can always blame it on that that you haven't found a man yet.

 

But what will happen once you have your PhD and your other exams? Then you will have no possibility to claim that you are too stressed out/worried about those things and you would have to realize that you are not being turned down because you are still studying.

 

Rather than facing that possibility (that men might still turn you down despite you having finished your degree) you are trying to remain as long as possible in a situation where you can always blame your perceived failure in one aspect of your life on another aspect of your life rather than having to admit that it might have to do with totally different things, namely i.e. something with your personality"

 

These type of self sabotaging thoughts are not uncommon. However per definition they are only going to hurt yourself.

 

You have to start believing that whatever the future might be, having your degree will make your life truly easier in many aspects such as your anxiety, your stress levels, your visa situation, and lastly your outlook on the arranged marriage market, since you will have a much clearer idea about timing and will have the opportunity to think about other things such as where you want to life, the kid question etc in a much more relaxed way.

 

Growing up includes also facing difficult challenges. Avoiding them is the worst possible strategy. Yes, maybe your changes in the arranged marriage market might not improve upon receiving your degree, but if that is the case, you have to face it, the sooner the better, so that you can think of other strategies to find the husband you wish for. So what if the reason you have not found anyone yet has nothing to do with your choice of profession or not having your degree yet. You can only find a solution to a problem if you know actually what the problem is.

 

It's most likely to do with you being totally overwhelmed with your studies, so just focus on getting them out of the way. Everything will be easier once you have that behind you.

[LAYAAN]

correct, Penny.

I was thinking about you today and I want to take a moment here before I start writing my thoughts and reply to your latest message that I really really appreciate your comments and support. You have been patiently guiding me despite my running around in circles. I want you to know that I admire your support and kindness in wanting to help me.

 

Alright, now, yes, you are right. I was thinking about it today.

- I would not have been in this situation today (i.e. taking too long to finish a mediocre PhD and at this age) had I stayed focused on finishing my PhD ASAP. I kept running away from having to finish PhD, sometimes hoping that I'd get a job and be able to quit PhD, sometimes (and you know this) hoping that marriage to a man would magically save me. Nothing happened on this front. I told myself today "The way you are serious about finishing now, if you had been serious about it since you started the school, you would be definitely done by this time."

 

- I invested first 3 years of PhD program focusing only on coursework and in a dead-ended relationship with a guy from the UK. I let some decent men in the US go because of that. I also wasn't focused on my PhD because at the back of my mind I kept thinking that I would just graduate with an MS once he is done with his PhD, but in 3 years my feelings towards him completely changed and I was back to square one.

 

- Long story short I was not dead serious about finishing my PhD as I'm now. Yes, and you are right. PhD is my problem. In arranged marriage, people may give me this as an excuse or whatever, but I need to do my best to finish it. And yes, you are right, I have been wasting time, thinking about unproductive thoughts and engaging in self-sabotaging behavior.

 

Really these are simple Qs and simple answers -

What are men looking for?

Someone who has completed her education or has a definite, near completion date, someone who can show them that she can get a job in their city, and is ready to relocate.

 

What do I need to do?

Do my best to finish my PhD. Study hard for boards and pass boards during this time. I know its difficult, but I've been through a rough internship for about 2 years. When I started it, it seemed like a daunting task, but now I look back, its over. I don't go back to that phase of life. Just like that 4 months of hard studying, take boards, pass them in 1st attempt. You don't go back to that phase of life ever again. You pass the national exam, you transfer the score to other states. You dont' need to take the test again ever. So, I need to focus on that.

 

What the hell am I doing?

Yes, spending time brooding about who turned me down, analyzing why they turned me down, holding a grudge. Why? There was no baseline relationship, affection, attraction, nothing. Its simple, pure business in arranged market. Remember what Annie wrote "Dating is like going to buy a shirt, you may like it, you may admire it, some may even try it on, but only 1 purchases it and takes it home." Especially with my visa situation, my age, my health, my desire to marry, etc. what I really need to do is FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS on getting out of this phase. If I get thoughts about men, okay, acknowledge that its okay to feel this way, its okay to desire companionship. Whats important is that you work towards getting into the kinda relationship you want. Wrapping up your PhD is a huge part of that process.

 

Don't engage in self-sabotaging behavior. You will have to study. Noone else can do it for you. You will have to finish your PhD. Hang in there and stay focused for next 4-5 months. There is no other go.

[LAYAAN]

So, I've been going strong at the school last 3 days and today.

Went to school Sunday and monday - worked on my paper, handed in corrections to my PI.

Tuesday and Wednesday - each day finished one chapter (so total 2) of my proposal.

 

Today is emotionally not a good day, I'm hanging in there.

I talked to my mom today and she told me that it was a mistake to not go into engineering and rather go into pharmacy school. Alright, here I'm. I can only go ahead. I can't go back to grade 12 and go back to engineering program. I told myself to hang in there and not take my mom's words to heart.

[annie24]

yeah, don't listen to your mom. my mom says stuff like that all the time too. like you said, you can't go and redo the last 12 years of your life. you are where you are. you're almost done. keep pushing.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know what to do other than this. I have tried going on dating sites, matrimonial sites, getting connected by friends. Everything useless. Then I tried staying away from dating sites, matrimonial sites, got myself too involved in work hoping to forget about companionship. I simply can't stop looking at my friends who are married and settled in life with a spouse, house, job, cars everything. Their lives are stable.

I really think that once I'm married everything will be fine, everything will be alright. I will no longer yearn to get married since I would have it. I will be happy. I will have kids. I will have a job. There will be stability in my life. I simply can't let go of marriage thought. The more I chase it, the more it seems to run away. Yes, I tried "laying it all down at the feet of God". It doesn't work. The only few options left untapped are meaningless sex, drugs, alcohol, bar hopping, shopping. What should I do? I simply can't stop thinking about my friends that are married and settled and here I'm struggling endlessly. My life is going nowhere. I just want to get married. I really believe that that is the solution to all my worries and problems. Why am I not married? What is so wrong with me? Why doesn't anyone want me? Isn't that unfair? Is there a website where I can post my photos so people can rate my photos and tell me what is wrong with me? I'm also considering consulting a psychic. I think I will kill myself if I find out that there is no possibility of my finding love. What's the point of living with this yearning? I want to quit everything I'm currently doing. I simply want to get married. Once I have that I think my life will be much more stable.

[penelope13]

Stop obsessing about this! This will NOT be the path how to find a husband. There is nothing wrong with your looks, but currently you have not the right set of mind to attract anyone (or better: anyone for a healthy relationship, you can always find bad relationships).

 

The ONLY thing you should be obsessing right now is your exams and your PhD.

 

NOTHING ELSE!

 

Only 2 more months to go

[Honey Pumpkin]

Tinu, marriage isn't a solution to life's problems. You know this, and this mindset is terrible for you, holding you back from achieving what you want. I think it's called the Cinderella complex, this idea that you'll be 'rescued' from life's hardships by marriage. But that's something you need to grow out of and realise you are responsible for yourself. You can't hope to be rescued just because life is a bit hard.

 

Penelope is right - how about telling yourself you CANNOT date until 2011, or even look. The only thing you can do right now is to finish up your Phd, keep healthy and focused on YOU.

[marshmlofluff]

I agree with all of these posts. Though I will offer a slightly different perspective. I sometimes look back on my PhD and while I am happy I did it, I also think to myself that I wish I had not completely neglected my personal life (including trying to meet a guy) for it; it really wasn't worth it--I ended up leaving the field after one year as a professor anyway.

 

I think Tinu should in principle (this is easier said than done) just keep her ads up, and then do her best to forget about them...devote maybe half an hour every day to romance, and that is it, and if a guy wants to come see her then fine, but no need to spend $400 on plane tickets going to see him right now. IMO You don't want to totally shut yourself off from the world and from the possibility of romance--sometimes feeling like you are doing something towards your goal can help.

 

But you don't want to let it suck out your brains and take over your life, either.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, marriage isn't a solution to life's problems. You know this, and this mindset is terrible for you, holding you back from achieving what you want. I think it's called the Cinderella complex, this idea that you'll be 'rescued' from life's hardships by marriage. But that's something you need to grow out of and realise you are responsible for yourself. You can't hope to be rescued just because life is a bit hard.

 

Penelope is right - how about telling yourself you CANNOT date until 2011, or even look. The only thing you can do right now is to finish up your Phd, keep healthy and focused on YOU.

Hello Honey Pumpkin, thank you for your post/entry into my journal. I appreciate it.

Well, I do understand what you are telling me, but I don't necessarily agree with it. I will explain what I mean.

Not every marriage is happy.

Not every woman feels that her marriage has "rescued" her from her current problems.

Even if above statements are true, it is very very possible (and I've seen examples around me) where women were rescued by marrying the right guy. He took care of their loan, their education, brought them to the US, filed a green card for them, this and that. Am I saying this WILL happen to me? No. Everyone's life works differently. I may or may not get it. But yes, it is true that marriage to the right person can (not WILL, but it has a potential) get you out of your troubles. No doubt about it.

That is not a reason, I should not focus on my PhD or run around. I am trying to build myself a safety net.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Marsh,

In the hind sight, I am not happy that I'm putting in this much amount of money to go see the guy.

I just didn't want him to come here. I thought about it for a while. I am just sick of staying in this place, the summer is really hot. I just want some change so I'm going to see him.

 

You know what you suggested... my mom suggested me the same thing. Keep looking, consider those who want to talk to you etc., but don't let this consume you. I find the last part very very hard.

When I was constantly getting turned down, I asked my mom to take my name off the bureau, the site, etc. My mom said "No, if you want to get married, you have to be out there. Your profile needs to be up. People need to see you. They need to know that you are ready to be approached, matched, etc. You have to be in the running. Keep working on what you are working on, but don't tell me to "not look". Once you are out of this market for any reason other than "I'm married", its difficult to get back in. You have to answer people "why are you not looking?" or "why were you previously not looking and now you are interested?""

People here commonly take break from dating due to other important things in their life or even exhaustion from dating and nobody makes much out of it. But in arranged marriage system its really different.

[Ellie2006]

Hey Tinu,

 

I would take stock in what MMF says; your PhD can't and won't be your be-all-end-all. You will set numerous and new milestones even after you get your PhD. Hence it makes sense to take care of all aspects of your life -- personal as well as professional.

 

That said, (and I say this with no intention to disrespect you), you do not appear as someone who can multi-task very well. Your anxiety seems to stem from the fact that when you're doing A, you think you should be doing B, and when you're doing B, you feel guilty for not doing A.

 

And this is not necessarily a bad thing when you are dissertating: this is definitely THE time to focus solely on your work and get things done so that you may get out of grad school and move on to bigger and better things your future has to offer.

 

Logistically speaking, I would say it is next to impossible to finish your degree (and all that entails) and at the same time, find a husband of your liking and get married.

 

So it seems like you have to choose.

 

If you feel like ALL of your problems will be solved with marriage, this perhaps should be the route of your choice. After all, though cliched, you do only live once and life definitely is too short. You are educated, received training at a reputable school, and are articulate -- I am sure you will be able to find something to do, even if it is not in your field of study.

 

BUT if you have an iota of doubt that you will regret not finishing your PhD, then you really have to give this your all. Yes, this may postpone when you get married. But I assure you, there definitely will be a huge payoff in getting your degree, least of which, a sense of accomplishment in prevailing in such difficult conditions, what with your parents, PI, visa issues, etc.

 

Just my two cents.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Ellie.

Yes, you are right, I can't multitask well.

[marshmlofluff]

I think this is a great $0.02. Both your PhD and marriage are important--but both are so important that there is no sense in doing them simultaneously if it means that either goes badly.

 

Ideally one would be able to balance life and career, but people are human. If you cannot cope with balancing the two (as I could not, btw...I am not a good multitasker myself) then you have to do them sequentially: First finish your PhD, then worry about meeting someone.

[LAYAAN]

link removed

[annie24]

I think this is a great $0.02. Both your PhD and marriage are important--but both are so important that there is no sense in doing them simultaneously if it means that either goes badly.

 

Ideally one would be able to balance life and career, but people are human. If you cannot cope with balancing the two (as I could not, btw...I am not a good multitasker myself) then you have to do them sequentially: First finish your PhD, then worry about meeting someone.

 

agreed, especially because she is so close to finishing. it would be one thing if she just started grad school, but now she is in the final 'push' and she really shouldn't be distracting herself at this time.

[penelope13]

I would print out a huge banner "Finish PhD" and hang it all over your place especially your bed so you see it first thing in the morning and before going to sleep.

 

Rationally you must know that this the only thing you should be thinking about at the moment, but you keep sabotaging yourself with the worries about your marriage wish. Honestly, do you want to give up now after having invested (and thus losing time on the marriage market) 10 years into this?

 

Have a calendar where you can mark off each day until the last exam day/ your defense. Give yourself visual reminders that it's only a short while longer and that you are really approaching the end.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny, Marsh, Annie, Ellie.

All you women are wonderful and caring friends.

I feel sorry that I am going round in circles. Thank you for your patience and guidance.

[LAYAAN]

link removed

[annie24]

so you read #9 then...

 

#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape from personal problems and unhappiness.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.

If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too. Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If anything, marriage will exacerbate them.

If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future spouse will thank you.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I read that.

[annie24]

Tinu, you've heard that expression, "it's always darkest before dawn?" i know you are having a hard time right now, but i think if you keep going, you will be facing a brighter future very soon.

 

it's kind of like participating in a marathon, or some other kind of long-distance event. i've always said that undergrad is a sprint, but grad school is a marathon. you have to keep going. imagine running in a marathon, and then giving up 1 mile before the finish line. and worst of all, you decide to stop in an area where there are no other places to go - ie, you are in the middle of nowhere, no people around, no cell phone to call someone and pick you up. at some point, it is just easier to go one more mile and finish the race no matter how tired you are. you have to just run and do it and rest later.

 

once you graduate and finish your boards, you can spend all the time you want on matrimonial sites, but for now, make this your focus. there are other times in the race and grad school when it's ok to leave - maybe after the first mile or halfway through (prelim exams) but now it is just the time to push through the pain.

 

i am speaking to myself too. I've scheduled my defense 2 months from now.

[marshmlofluff]

This is a great metaphor, particularly the part about stopping in a place where there aren't other places to go.

 

I will add that the faster you finish your PhD, the sooner you can turn your attention to getting married.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie, for your encouraging message.

Good luck and best wishes on scheduling your defense. Man! that's great! Keep us posted. You are so so so close... wow... I can't wait to be where you are!