Thoughts, ramblings

[penelope13]

You deal by it by emotionally becoming independent. The discussions might not change, but the effect you are allowing them on you should. You are old enough for not needing your parents approval and understanding. You can just accept that you will never see eye to eye with them.

 

My parents had very different ideas about how I should live my life and what they consider success. Once I moved out I decided that I would not let this bother me anymore. Sure they tried to convince me of their point of view, but I just let them talk, but didn't allow it to effect my emotions.

 

I told myself that I didn't need their approval till I really experienced that this was entirely true. Now years down the road of not having steered away from my own path they finally realize that this was the right thing for me, that this was the path that I had to take and now they are immensely proud and happy.

 

Sure I talked to them about what I was doing, regardless if they understood/ agreed, more as a way to make them feel still involved in my life rather than needing their backup.

 

You can't possibly even expect your parents to understand your point of view because their lives/ experiences are so far removed from anything that you have to deal with. They don't have to understand you.

 

This is not about being selfish. This is about being an independent adult.

[marshmlofluff]

"Given a choice I don't want to have a child mom. I've been standing in arranged market for 10 years with sealed lips about this issue. I'm telling myself that things will be alright hoping that I will find a man easier and quicker if I don't mention anything about my views on kids.

 

I would be very careful pretending you want kids if you don't.

 

Someone once did this to me, btw. He knew he didn't want kids ever, and knew I did when he began dating me. So he was deliberately silent and vague about his feelings on kids, hoping to "hook" me--only months in when I finally figured out he was stringing me along and pressed him did he confess how he really felt...he didn't want kids and never had.

 

As strongly as I do not believe in divorce, if through some misfortune I had married this man, when I found out he had deceived me about his real feelings on kids I would most likely have divorced him.

[annie24]

How do you deal with frequent episodes like these from your parents Annie, if you were in my exact shoes? Its not that my mom is not supportive. She understands my issues. I talk to her openly and honestly. She feels like giving up many times with the court cases, their health issues, feeling like she is racing against time with my marriage issue. I talked to her right now after I calmed myself down and after she calmed herself too.

 

some things are her issues and some things are your issues. don't get them confused. the court is her trouble. the marriage is yours. it is your life at least. i think your mother is driving herself crazy senslessly. probably you as well. we never know what life will throw at us. you getting your degrees and passing your exams is a good backup plan just in case you never marry a wealthy man who can support you and your family. you can't do anything about her court cases or your dad's health. you can send him a get well soon card, of course, but i think for now, just keep on the path you are on.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie. Yes, thats what I keep telling myself. It a high risk to go to India and possibly not get a new visa to come back.

[LAYAAN]

Yes Marsh, that is why I don't normally go to see men who zero in on having x no. of kids by so and so date. I know you have mentioned this before. I have to be really honest about my take (yes, because I haven't decided that I absolutely don't want kids) on kids. In arranged market, its too much to ask that the guy will understand your feelings.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny, I get the part about emotional independence. But these episodes affect me. They stir my peace at least for a few hours. That is my issue. I'm glad that I have this forum. I feel some support here and can bounce my ideas off.

I'm not entirely dependent on my parents emotionally. I came to USA for higher education against all odds including my dad was against me. I wanted to gave this a shot for my sake. I'm happy for it. I'm proud for it.

I'm not looking for my mom to understand "why I don't want kids, or why I'm confused about kids" A bigger issue is that I'm in arranged market and this attitude of mine doesn't fly there. If I find a man who is okay with my timeline, who cares what my parents think?

[LAYAAN]

I just talked to my boss and boy his voice was so convincing.

I said "I'm trying my best to get this paper out. We have to see something so I can wrap up my PhD now."

He said in the most calm and convincing voice, so unusual to his character "Yes, I completely agree. I am with you on that. Lets hope that this paper goes through, so you can be done."

 

Thank you God! I feel recharged, rejuvenated. I feel like a new person. My PI feels that I should be done, that means a lot to me. The end is near. I need to put in the work now. As long as I do that I'm going to graduate. Yes, yes, yes. All this is gonna get over. All this is worth it. Hang in there, the end is in sight. I need to stay focused and not worry about this issue of kids, marriage, or going back home. I need to zero in on this opportunity and give myself the last push and finish the PhD.

 

Thank you Penny, Annie, Marsh, Anu, dancing magpie, Poochie and all others who help me on a regular basis. I wanted to share this with you all.

[anu1560]

Hey...thats great news...now finally you will be done and can get out of this make belief life...congrats...hugs...

[LAYAAN]

Yes, you will be done too. See that paper in big scheme of things, alright?

[LAYAAN]

I was talking with my friend today. She told me that the reason why I'm having challenges in arranged market is because I'm "adamant and unrealistic". She said that once you come full circle, you will beg the next guy to marry you. I hope its not too late then.

She has a basic Q "What do you mean by you feel hurt by the Qs they ask you? You know how arranged marriage operates. They are entitled to ask you any Q they want to. If you don't want to answer that's okay too. Just understand that it will leave gaps in their information and they won't be able to make a decision. See, in arranged marriage, you don't date. You meet a person for very business-like focused meetings and you make the decision. You want to pick and choose what you want from arranged process and what you want from western dating system, that's not gonna work. The only way they can obtain information about you is by asking direct Qs. What do you mean by you are hurt by these Qs? I simply don't get it. If you are that sensitive, don't stand in that market. Get out. You want the security of knowing that there will be marriage at the end. You don't want to waste your time. There are no two-ways about it. You will have to put up with rest of the nonsense of arranged market. If not, seriously, get out and start dating. You are concerned about sleeping with a guy before marriage, you are concerned about whether he wants to get married or not. Then what do you want to do? Invent your own system?

Listen, you have to get your mind adjusted to the fact that arranged marriage is going to be like this. Get over it. You can ask as many Qs to these men as you want. You are being too modest, too nice. I'm not saying that's bad, but that does not serve you in this market. Be upfront, ask all sorts of Qs you want. They are asking you all finance-related Qs in 1st meeting anyways. You can't expect people to behave like you do. People are different. These men are focused on getting married in short period of time, they have to make a decision, they are not going to waste time getting to know you. They don't want to take that path. They are going to meet you once, they will ask whatever Qs they want to ask. Just because you operate differently doesn't mean they will follow your ways."

"You need to develop a strong sense of self confidence and not take any rejection personally. I repeat, do not take any rejection personally. Do not keep an account of who rejected you. Shrug your shoulders and simply keep it moving until you find a man that can at least talk and listen to you.

TALK before you meet these men. Ask lots of Qs and get to know what they are looking for. Be honest about where you are in life, in terms of education, job prospects, finances, etc. Then go to meet if you feel you can make something work with this."

Penny, this is pretty much what you told me too.

[LAYAAN]

"'Chemistry' isn't quite the same as physical attraction - connection (to me at least) is the feeling that the other person understands you, that you share not only interests but attitudes to those interests and that you share a similar view of the world. I guess it's the sharing which is the crucial thing here. It's a combination of physical, mental, emotional and spiritual connection, which we may have to differing degrees with different people."

[LAYAAN]

article for single women in 30s

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interesting article on marriage

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[LAYAAN]

Well, it might be still too early, but I have an invitation to a halloween party. This friend of mine is a good person, but her and my ideas on judgment of value, worth differ greatly. Last time when she invited me to the party, I dressed as a witch. I had a long black skirt and tight black t-shirt in my closet already. I only bought few accessories from a dollar store and put the whole look together in under $10. I used to this video to do my makeup at home.

 

I simply do not believe in spending money on a halloween costume. It's such a waste of my money. I mean I'm never ever going to use that costume elsewhere and to spend money on that kinda dress? You must be kidding me. This friend of mine, does not necessarily buy a different outfit each time, but she is very creative. So, she goes to craft store, she basically designs her outfit and creates the look which is great. If I'm not as creative as her and if I don't want to spend money, what other option do I have?

Also, I'm an introvert. I don't like to attend parties unless I've to for personal and professional reasons. I attend such events for half an hour to a couple of hours max. I feel drained at such events. Now, the fireman guy will be there too which is another reason for me to avoid going to the party. Its just awkward to be there with him around, can't look at him, can't look away from him.

[penelope13]

Avoiding situations that make you uncomfortable is not the way to become more social/less introvert/ find more friends.

 

You exercise, no? In order to become stronger and build up muscle you need to exercise regularly and you need to increase the resistance, i.e. make it harder/more challenging. In sports and in social settings it's the same: if you want to grow/ become stronger you have to overcome increasingly bigger challenges.

 

 

However I understand that fireman being there can make it much more awkward. Nevertheless you might want to go to the party anyway: it's still a long time till then, maybe you can train your thoughts on being comfortable with him being there? You don't have to talk to him, if you don't want. And maybe it's even a good experience for you to see him again and see that there are no feelings left. You didn't have a violent/ nasty fall out with him, did you?

 

As to the costume: you could go as a witch again if you do not want to create/buy/borrow a new costume, by simply embellishing a bit from the previous year. For example: if you had a black skirt and top, this year you could by some cheap spiders or something and attach them onto your skirt. Every year you could add something to the already existing costume. In this way people would maybe even start looking forward to what you would have changed on your costume every year. Or one year you can go as an 'ugly' witch, the next year as an elegant .... the options are endless.

[LAYAAN]

[LAYAAN]

I broke up with the fireman guy 8 months ago. I miss hugs, cuddling, feeling comfort of his arms wrapped around me. Its challenging to continue no contact for me these days. Yes, I know that there will be no marriage. He probably will act all uptight now if I ask him to come back.

How do you deal with wanting physical comfort after you break up? My good friend has been in a yo-yo relationship because of the way physical presence of her BF or ex (whatever that is) makes her feel. I completely get that. I feel exactly the same way, I just never admitted it to her.

[anu1560]

Ohh Tinu. Its as if you are sitting in my head right now. I miss those hugs, cuddles, holding hands soooo much. I actually miss those more than I miss the guy. One of those days when I desperately need a physical contact with someone. Even a hug will do. But contacting your ex is not a good idea. It is a temporary respite. You left him for a reason. Yo-yo relationships are too confusing. Don't even think of it.

 

You won't believe what I did. I did a impulsive shopping two months back when I was missing my ex and his cuddles. I went to amazon and bought those body pillows made for pregnant women. hehe. They can never be a replacement for those cuddles but they make me feel very comfortable.

[LAYAAN]

hehe Anu, thats much better, I think. I take a sleeping pill or overwork myself so I don't miss the physical affection much. I'm not allowed to drink or do drugs because I stay in the University campus otherwise getting drunk would help. Its tough man. It really is difficult.

[Batya33]

I broke up with the fireman guy 8 months ago. I miss hugs, cuddling, feeling comfort of his arms wrapped around me. Its challenging to continue no contact for me these days. Yes, I know that there will be no marriage. He probably will act all uptight now if I ask him to come back.

How do you deal with wanting physical comfort after you break up? My good friend has been in a yo-yo relationship because of the way physical presence of her BF or ex (whatever that is) makes her feel. I completely get that. I feel exactly the same way, I just never admitted it to her.

 

You have to remind yoursef that it's not just the physical contact you want but a fulfilling emotional bond, which takes time and patience to develop - otherwise it's like having frozen yogurt when you really want full fat ice cream. And you deal with the need for the emotional bond by connecting with people in meaningful ways, other than romantic, until you find that again.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Batya... yes, what you say is true. You know, my brain understands what you say, but my heart... its very difficult to convince. The good thing is that I've deleted his email and phone no. There is power in physical touch and presence.

I'll have to keep reminding myself of what you said when I feel like going back to him.

[LAYAAN]

I need human touch. I wake up everyday, go to the lab, see my professor's face. I work my butt off and come back to an empty home.

I really want to get married and it doesn't seem to be happening. I need a friend. I really need interaction with a friend. I'm so tired of being alone. I'm tired of being lonely. I'm tired of living like this. I can't pull this on anymore. I was scheduled to take exam in August, I postponed it to Sept, now thinking of never taking it. I hate everything. I don't want to study. I don't want to live alone. I just want to be with someone. I don't want to be alone anymore.

I'm thinking of going back to my ex. I don't know what else to do. May be I can join a dating site. May be meetup singles group. I don't want to invest any more time in getting to anyone. That's why going back to my ex seems much better option at this time. I hate feeling like this.

[LAYAAN]

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Do not give up on yourself. Remind yourself of how many hours, days or weeks you have already gotten through. Remind yourself why you left your country, why you started PhD program and pharmacy journey. Things are never consistently rough or smooth. Its always a mix.

 

Don't expect things to happen at once, results may only come gradually, each new day can be the start of your eventual success. Don't worry about tomorrow. Break the task into pieces and focus only on today's task and doing it well, doing it with all your might, to the best of your ability. Hang in there. Its all a learning experience. Its all going to be over and you may not even remember the pain and the suffering. Stay focused. You are closer to the end than you think you are. Don't zero in on your suffering. Let go of it.

[LAYAAN]

I've been comparing myself endlessly with a girl from a different school. We are same age, we met at some event back in the days when we were in highschool. I don't like high-school reunions for this reason. They are a perfect opportunity to compare who married who, who looks hot just the way they used to, what loser is now a CEO, who has put on ridiculous amount of weight, this and that.

I couldn't stop wondering "why not me?" I took my life seriously, may be a bit too seriously, I studied my butt off. Why is it that some women just end up marrying the right guy and they carry their wives' weight like its nothing. Why? I told myself today that its okay to feel this way for a moment, but not get caught in it. Life works differently for different people. She has the most perfect life. Thats great. I don't, but here I'm and I can only run my race. Wishing someone's life will not get me their life. Also, remember that I took some decisions in your life differently. I chose a different profession. Had I been a computer engineer in year 2000... it was a hot profession then. I would have gotten married to someone within a second. That's how my friends got married to men from USA because their husbands knew that their wives could find jobs here. But again, remember that you are here and you can't go back in time and change some decisions. You can only go forward from here and do what you need to do to make your future more secure. Not everyone has a perfect life. M got married at 21 and has the most perfect life anyone can imagine. A got married at 19, got divorced, got remarried, couldn't become the model and singer she wanted to become. Life operates differently. Who knew a talented girl like A wouldn't get what she wanted to get? I took some decisions when I should have chosen more secure, acceptable path. I didn't. I'm paying for it now. I hope I've learned my lessons. I will not repeat the mistake again, ever. I will not go blind and marry a clearly incompatible man. I will try to stay in the secure zone because safety, stability, consistency, predictability, dependability matters to me. I was a rebel before. No more. I have learned my lessons. I dont' want to make a mistake in terms of marriage now. Profession, you can change. You can go back to school. Its much more difficult to get out of a bad marriage and start a new life all over. Its possible, but please don't act stupid now.

[LAYAAN]

Its interesting. I was hanging out with my friend few days ago. She is the common friend who introduced the fireman to me. She told him that if he goes back to me, I would take him back. She said to him that women test men like this. If you like her, go back to her, talk to her. You can't just sit here and give up. I don't think he would do that.

[penelope13]

Why is your friend meddling with your affairs? Do you really have time/ energy to be worrying about this?

 

I though you are supposed to take your exams in September. That's only a few days/ weeks away. You should be in full time study mode.

 

It's really not that much longer and then you can rethink your marriage strategies.