Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Marsh,

Yesterday his friend said "You know people in late 20s - early 30s wouldn't buy into your idea of waiting so long for sex. You would find only religious people do that, probably. But then you have to deal with their other religious things which you don't want to. That is why people get married early here so they can have sex. If not, you do it with your GF. Its expected. Its never said out loud, but its assumed. That is why you see men complaining when their GFs don't have sex with them. I can't see exactly the dynamics of your relationship with N, but this is what I gathered from my observation and interaction with him. He is a gentleman. You know that. He doesn't kiss and tell. He will never share explicit details about your interaction with anyone. You are the best judge of what you want to do, but I would say finding a man suitable for your age with your belief system is going to be difficult. Stick to your gun, whatever you choose to do, but make your boundaries known early on."

[LAYAAN]

Marsh,

I'm very happy to know that you could find men who were willing to wait for sex and the relationship didn't end because of that. That gives me hope to continue looking in western pool.

[LAYAAN]

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[LAYAAN]

I will try my best to reach my goal of getting a PhD today.

I will stay happy today.

I will not give into -ve, discouraging thoughts today.

 

These are the things I'm thankful for -

I'm healthy

I'm not in debt.

I have parents that care for me.

I have God that I can run to, cry to.

I have a car that runs.

I have food.

I have shelter and clothes.

All this should give me hope. Keep trying, don't worry about the results. You are in the middle of the stream. You must keep rowing. If God has put you here, He will provide strength, courage, guidance, friendship to help you in the process.

I will not look into future and fret.

I will do my best today to make a better future for myself.

I will not look at closed doors and brood. I will pray to God to help me see what I have today that I can work on, help me see doors of opportunities that are opening and pass through them.

 

My friend recently said something powerful "While God has left some doors open for you, you continue passing through those doors. Don't look at closed doors too long or else these open doors may soon close too. Take a vow that I will NOT fret over things that didn't work out in my life. Keep moving towards what you want to achieve in life. If things are meant to happen, they will. If not, you gave it your best."

 

HANG IN THERE... not all days are good, not all days are bad.

[marshmlofluff]

Marsh,

I'm very happy to know that you could find men who were willing to wait for sex and the relationship didn't end because of that. That gives me hope to continue looking in western pool.

 

Keep looking everywhere. In your place I would stay on the arranged market while remaining open to meeting someone outside of it, and going to ISA/ASHA/whatever even if you do not feel like it at all.

 

I know you are afraid of wasting time in a relationship with a guy, especially since you spent a few years with your ex.

 

But keep in mind...often it is possible to waste more time by avoiding things you are afraid of than it takes to actually do them.

 

When you meet a man--of any ethnicity--who is in "commitment mode" and genuinely wants to get married, boy oh boy you will know. He will not waste your time at all, if only because he does not want his own wasted. You have been following my story; I met the present BF long after I started commenting in your journal...we have been dating 4.5 months now and he is already talking commitment.

 

As you know if you have been reading my journal, I expressed some relatively minor reservations to my BF last week about our long-term compatibility...I don't like cats, I'm not vegetarian, whatever. I didn't think it would be such a big deal to him, as I thought he probably had the same issues, and also I figured that was why people had relationships here first, to try each other out. I figured everybody here understood that relationships did not always end in marriage: All the men who dated me certainly took them fairly casually.

 

Well, BF is not like my previous BFs. The second I said I felt the slightest uncertainty he was upset; he was hurt; he was horrified; he was angry. He sat me down and would not even look at me, and while staring at the wall he very sternly told me "I have no doubts whatsoever about you; yes, I have some concerns but I want you to know I have no doubts. If you do have them about me, there is nothing I can do about that except do my best to put them to rest. All I want to ask you is this: If at some point you decide your doubts are too much and that I am not the man for you, I want you to tell me immediately so that I can move on with my life as fast as possible; please don't ever string me along. I want you to know that I am looking long-term and only long-term. I am not looking for dating; I am looking for the person I want to spend my life with, period."

 

Whoa.

 

Poor BF. I have been where he is and said exactly the same thing, but I never, ever thought I would hear a man say, or feel, something like that.

 

I had to cover him with smooches for the next two hours, and calm him down, and explain that everyone has doubts and every couple has incompatibilities, and that I did very much hope we ended up married and loved him. And that it was because I loved him that I wanted to take the time to talk about our incompatibilities and acknowledge them instead of ignoring them.

 

So not all non-Indian men take a super-long time to figure out what it is they want. I think when you meet a guy who wants to be married, it shows.

[LAYAAN]

Marsh,

Thank you so much for writing this post. It does give me hope.

Yes, I know exactly what it feels like. I can associate with a lot of his feelings. I'm suprised to see this coming from a man, but that definitely shows that he is in commitment mode.

I'm really happy for you and I hope that things go well.

 

Yes, this post tells me that I did the right thing by pulling the plug on fireman and pulling it in right time. I also remember, you replied to one of my posts then and said that not every non-Indian man would give you this type of wishy-washy answer. But don't rule out all non-Indian men because of one example. There are plenty out there who would commit to the right woman.

[LAYAAN]

I have been feeling angry at my ex and his friend. I was laying in my bed tonight and realized that I'm still angry. Why? after 8 months of initiating break-up for right reasons, why am I still angry at my ex and his friend? I need to learn to be thankful instead. Why am I looking for answers that don't exist? Oh God... stop, stop, stop.

You have all the information that is required to make the decision. You don't need to know additional information about why he did something. You needed facts to make your decision, you had those. Really, there was incompatibility on so many levels, its good that things didn't work out. Why are you angry? You wasted only 4 months. You didn't get physical with him, there was no cheating, no bad words were exchanged, no yo-yo relationship was created, you didn't let any arranged marriage guy go because of him, nothing. You gave it a shot, things didn't work out, move on.

I guess its the hope that this time around I won't be single kills. Focus on guys that are interested in you. Somewhere I read "Your ability to embrance future, at time, depends on how quickly and efficiently you can let go of your past." remember what his friend said to you "After 8 months of breaking up, I'm concerned about your well-being. Don't analyze. Dont' look for answers. That is what I've learned from my limited relationship experience." You need to take his advice seriously. You don't want N to come back. Even if he does, you will have doubts restarting the relationship with him. You are not one of those women who will sleep with a guy and then use "sex/free milk not allowed" card. Well, even if you try to use it, he may not buy it. If he is not ready, he is not. You can't make a guy ready. You can only hope to be with a man who is already in that "receptive" mode. So, readiness is one thing and then compatibility is other. Even if N gets ready, the issue of compatibility still remains. So, overall, don't worry about it. Let go. Things happened for a reason. I think you were smart in letting him go. Recollect that restlessness you had while with him.

Focus on what you can control which is your PhD and your pharmacy degree. Use remaining time (if you have any left) to cherish your hobbies, relax, pray to God, exercise, do daily chores etc. Save your emotional energy, please. Spend it on right man for right reasons. Whatever it is that you are not comfortable with, don't do it. Let go of any anger, resentment. You gave it a shot, things didn't work. Nothing lost. You still came out a winner. Stop analyzing. Save your brain power for something better.

[LAYAAN]

I need to develop a healthy attitude -

In any life circumstance, I would do my best. I would use my best judgement. I would pray hard to God to show me direction, give me wisdom. I would take the outcome of that situation humbly, count my blessings and simply keep moving. I will always have faith in God that He is guiding my feet even if I feel lost, trust that He allowed me access to adequate information that was necessary to make a decision at a given time. If I feel otherwise, there was probably a lesson involved, learn it, remember it, use it next time. Stop being angry, resentful, stop self-pity, and self-sabotaging behavior. It will not get you what you want. It will only suck peace out of you. You have only yourself to fall back on. Grow up and learn to handle life's challenges and frustrations and not let them get to you.

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday for professional reasons I was somewhere close to LA. I met a running club that trains people to complete and marathons and the money raised is given to cancer research. Yesterday, I was at their weekly gathering and the lady read really beautiful letter written by a boy fighting cancer to all the club members. This lady herself is fighting cancer, getting treatments and running marathons on top of it.

I met a doctor who started a running club to motivate his patients. HE started exercising with his patients so they felt that they have someone who cares for them, who is with them. Who does that? Him and his wife were there yesterday. What an awesome couple! He was running a free clinic there yesterday.

I met another doctor and his pharmacist wife, who encourage people to live a healthy lifestyle, they have a running club and provide the members with hot cooked breakfast. How awesome is that? I've never seen a running club providing hot cooked breakfast to its members.

 

Made me feel ashamed of myself. There is so much more to life and here I'm getting all narrow-minded about finding a man. My attitude sucks. Look at how people are holding strong. Look at how people are trying to make a difference. Don't they have desires? Don't they wish their life could be different in some area? But look at how positive they are and how they are using what they have to help others. Come on man... I've so much in my life. I'm blessed and I'm sitting here with the most yuckiest attitude. God must be ashamed of me right now. I hope I learn from this.

 

The message is - there will be some needs unmet. There will be some desires unfulfilled. The key is to focus on what is going good in your life, be thankful and continue moving on. Do your part to make a difference in the lives of others. Don't get caught up and zero in on what you don't have. Keep building on what is going right in your life, however small it is.

[Pkittie]

Tinu, I'm so glad that you finally had a revelation...It's all about moving ahead in life leaving the petty issues behind. And when you volunteer your time & energy, it enriches you so much as a person. Infact one is able to look beyond themselves. Hats off to people who are living such a full life despite knowing that death is around the corner!

[LAYAAN]

I have uncontrollable desire to patch up with the fireman guy. I sent a text to our common friend few days ago. He was there with her the time I sent the text. He asked her "how is she doing?" She told me "He gets sparkles in his eyes when I talk about you. But he wont' ask you back because he is not an alpha male. He is strange. He is a wuss. I sometimes can't believe that he is a fireman. I mean look at the profession and look at his nature."

 

I have no hope of finding a decent man in arranged marriage market. I feel bad for breaking up with this fireman guy. Its August mid. We met exactly a year ago, last August. Had I not given up on him, we would be celebrating one year anniversary. I couldn't get married in arranged market anyways. I let a man go because of my anxious nature, I feel. I don't know what to think. Sometimes I feel, I did the right thing, sometimes I feel I did the wrong thing. I can't think straight anymore. I had fun with him, going places. I had fun with his cat. I miss all that.

[annie24]

you shouldn't ask for a guy back because you liked his cat and had fun with him. you can have that with a lot of people. do you love him? do you miss him? do you want to spend the rest of your life with him? you had many negative things to say about him while you were dating him.

[LAYAAN]

I can't say that I love him. Its a little too early for that. I don't think he left an impact on my mind to a point that I miss him. We were quite indifferent in the last month of our relationship.

[marshmlofluff]

you shouldn't ask for a guy back because you liked his cat and had fun with him.

 

Yeah. I actually *don't* like my BF's cat at all, but the BF is a good dude, so whatever. Which is to say, cats are not that important in the grand scheme of things.

 

This fireman guy may get sparkles in his eyes with nostalgia, but I am sure you know that the best predictor of how someone will behave is how he has behaved, and you say you did not like how he treated you when you were together. It does not sound like you would have made it to your one-year anniversary.

 

I think the best thing is to meet someone new and have a one-year anniversary with him, and the sooner you put this experience behind you and stop looking back, the faster that will happen.

 

Even if you *did* let him go for the wrong reasons (which IMO you did not) there are plenty of other men out there--probably plenty who are a lot closer to what you are looking for. Just because you go off the arranged market doesn't mean you have to completely drop all of the things you want...you wanted a guy with a professional degree and from a happy family, etc. and there are plenty of men out there who fit your requirements. In fact once you get off the arranged market you can--and have to become--a lot *more* picky, not less...these guys are from a different world, and compatibility becomes even more important.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Marsh, you are right. When going outside my religion and race, I should be even more watchful of compatibility and not run around just any man who is willing to marry me.

[LAYAAN]

Hang in there. Remember your physician's words yesterday. "All this is gonna be over. When you are in the dissertation phase, it seems incredibly difficult, but all that comes to an end eventually. Focus all your energies on getting out of your PhD program, remaining on Pharmacy and exercising. Nothing other than these 3 things matters at this time. You have to mentally get into that mode, only then will you graduate with a PhD. Otherwise you will keep running around in circles and waste your time."

 

Focus. Its easy to get distracted. Its easy to think of N. But you have to snap out of those thoughts. All you have in front of you is your PhD and your pharmacy. Work on it with all your might, that way you will avoid self-judgment, self-pity, and regrets later. Getting back with N is not urgent. Give that thought some rest.

[LAYAAN]

It bothers me especially how this girl (J) that I called friend from the neighboring lab and that I hang out with behaves when it comes to professional life. There is no friendship. I mentioned a recent incidence in lab. It really hurts me. She always talks in high pitch, uses very strong words, is angry, aggressive. When she needs help, she expects that people will drop everything and help her. When I need help, she is nowhere to be found.

Then there is other friend, who thrives on gossip. She likes to hear bad things happening in other people's lives. This girl and the girl from neighboring lab are close friends, but never ever I heard this girl sit her down and tell her that she is going wrong somewhere. Constant negativity and grudges against almost all people that she holds in her heart are too much for me to handle so I got some distance from both of them. Am I a bad person for behaving this way? Especially when J needs a ride, she will call me, not ahead of time, but like a few hours before. I gave her a ride, 2-3 times, she didn't even ask me to pay for gas. Come on, I'm a student like you too. She behaved in a similar way with other student she was dating. He pointed it out to her "You get a stipend". She fumed "How dare you say that to me? You get loans too." The problem is that she has noone in her life that will put her in check, that will call her to take a deeper look at her attitude. She talks with superfast speed, in an angry tone. The other friend has never confronted her about her attitude, so I'm the only one with problem. I'm the only one that is wrong.

I'm asking myself why do I even bother to be friends with her. Honestly, as a grad student, you should be friendly with other grad students, but not let them into your personal life. Form your own friend circle. Hang out with them. I'm quite an introvert anyways. With studies piled up and household chores, do I even have time to hang out? Don't I need to study for my pharmacy boards? Why am I wasting time thinking about some grad student that is so selfish and won't give me a second thought anyways? Its the word "friendship" that hurts. Its the expectations that hurt. Remember, in this country "friendship" means different things to different people. I feel alone, but I need to look for friends outside. I can't hang out with these 2 friends I have. I'm not really getting along with the attitude. I feel drained after talking to them. I need to be with people where I feel rejuvenated and relaxed or else just sit home and watch TV or go for a walk in the neighborhood. I dont' want to be called in the middle of the night because you can't find your lab keys. I don't want to be called because you need a ride to the airport. Call your BF that you mistreated. Call the guy who likes to hang out with girls only.

Gee... calm down... fine, you vented. Now get back on track. You really don't have time dear to hang out. You have other friends that you can hang out with and honestly, you shouldn't be wasting your time. You should be studying your butt off, really. If not, sleep, eat, walk/exercise, pray, join hobbies, classes, etc. Why do you need to hang out with these 2 grad students who you don't think understand you? Not everyone will get you and J isn't gonna change. Thats how she has always been. Thats how she will continue to be. She will walk over those who tell her otherwise. She will continue to be with people like A who support her bad behavior. Find a new circle of friends.

[annie24]

tinu - i experienced something similar with grad students in my program. i found them to be very jealous and competitive. it's not something i liked. i stopped hanging out with them. my advisor is actually in a different program and i really love the grad students here. they are much more chill and fun overall. i hang out with them. but most importantly, i found a lot of friends in the dance association i am part of. it's really nice to have people to hang out with who do something totally different than you. and there are no jealousies about who got this grant and who didn't. we're all doing something different.

[penelope13]

The best way to attract positive people in your life is to become positive.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree with you Penny.

[LAYAAN]

tinu - i experienced something similar with grad students in my program. i found them to be very jealous and competitive. it's not something i liked. i stopped hanging out with them. my advisor is actually in a different program and i really love the grad students here. they are much more chill and fun overall. i hang out with them. but most importantly, i found a lot of friends in the dance association i am part of. it's really nice to have people to hang out with who do something totally different than you. and there are no jealousies about who got this grant and who didn't. we're all doing something different.

Yes, I experienced this. The public health doctoral students tend to be more relaxed and fun to hang out with. I tend to avoid seeing same faces everyday at work and also off work. You inevitably discuss same topics which you should take a break from.

[LAYAAN]

So, I had to call my mom today because she was worried about not hearing from me for a while. I tried to be as brief as possible. These attempts are never successful. My mom has a way of pushing my buttons.

I didn't cry, I didn't raise my voice, yes, I behaved well, but internally I experience all the emotions that I'm not showing outside.

My mom wants me to talk to 2-3 men from India who are very interested in meeting me. They have been repeatedly asking her and now me "When are you coming back?" I haven't written very openly about my visa issues here, simply because the audience is too western to understand my visa issues.

I told my mom today "I'm used to living freely here. I really can't imagine getting married to men from India and going through that arranged marriage process. Given a choice I don't want to have a child mom. I've been standing in arranged market for 10 years with sealed lips about this issue. I'm telling myself that things will be alright hoping that I will find a man easier and quicker if I don't mention anything about my views on kids. I hope you understand the struggle mom."

Yes, my mom understands the struggle. She just doesn't have an answer for it. Noone does. Even I'm searching for a way to end this agony and be at a place where I'm no longer struggling to get somewhere else.

My mom told me today that she wants me to take care of both of them. I asked her "What were you thinking when you were looking for guys based in the US for marriage? Did you think that they would leave everything they have worked hard for here, so they can give into their in-laws pressure and come back to India? What are other parents doing whose kids are in the US?"

Her "Don't give me other people's examples. You are still unmarried. If you want to find a decent man through arranged marriage process, you need to hurry up and I mean it. Really all the issue is with your PhD. Why can't you finish it faster? Just submit the paper somewhere and call it a day. See, we gave you liberty to live your life the way you wanted, pursue the education you wanted. You have to understand that we mean well. We are tired and exhausted now. We won't come to USA, that's for sure. You are not living your dream life there either. The struggle is on since last 6 years. Why don't you think about getting your degree and coming back to India? We have property here. You are not married there either, we will find a guy for you here, get a job somewhere and live happily. Why is it so difficult for you to understand that?"

I didn't talk much. I just didn't want to waste my energy. My back pain is back today. I'm not trying to brush the issues under the carpet. My parents have been yearning to see me. I guess I'll have to go back home to visit them. My visa is expired. No, I'm not staying here illegally. My I-20 is current, I can leave USA whenever I want, but to get back in I need a new visa and I'm not interested in going through the hassel of applying for a visa and they would give it to me only for another year may be, if I'm lucky. I also don't have time to wait for a visa date in India for months and if I get turned down I wont' be able to come back to USA and my exams are scheduled for October. My parents simply can't understand the details. My mom thinks that I will never come back to India. I keep telling her that that's not the case. She keeps forgetting that.

Last night I was wondering if death would save me from this agony. I never shared it with my physician or psychiatrist that I've had these thoughts multiple times. I just never acted on them for the fear of 1) being a suicide survivor 2) seeing my parents crippled due to loss of their only child. I know I have a strange relationship with my mom, but I don't want to see her die because of me.

My thoughts wander... I've to go to school, now with a heavy heart. That's how I tend to become unproductive. God... help me stay focused today and help me stay productive at school.

[LAYAAN]

Most likely I'm going to look for a visa appointment date, so I can go visit my parents often in the coming year. Yes, there is a possibility that my visa may get turned down and I may get stuck in India and not be able to take my pharmacy boards here.

I tried to tell my mom today "why don't you come here instead? You have a valid visa."

Her "I can't leave your dad here like this. Noone is willing to look after him."

I guess I will have to push my mom so she can come here instead. I've invested too much to lose all this because of my visa getting denied. I really don't know what to do.

[annie24]

i wouldn't leave and have the possibility of not being able to take the boards.

[LAYAAN]

How do you deal with frequent episodes like these from your parents Annie, if you were in my exact shoes? Its not that my mom is not supportive. She understands my issues. I talk to her openly and honestly. She feels like giving up many times with the court cases, their health issues, feeling like she is racing against time with my marriage issue. I talked to her right now after I calmed myself down and after she calmed herself too.