Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I'm telling myself - Don't worry about the fate of your manuscript. If it has to get accepted, it will.

You try to control what you really can -

1) Write your paper M-F

2) Pray to God several times each day

3) Learn to cast your care upon Him. Ultimately, you are praying for guidance, He needs to give it to you, ask him to open other opportunities and help you see those.

4) Tap into other resources.

5) Keep trying.

6) Understand that you can't control the result, you can only control your input.

 

Hang in there. All this is going to finish. All this is worth it. This journey has lesson in it if you want to learn the lesson. Don't fight the process, move with it.

[penelope13]

Try this thought: yes, I am afraid the manuscript may be rejected, however I am going to do my best anyway and hope for the best.

 

Then try to look at your manuscript with fresh eyes. try to imagine you have never heard of this study and you are reading the article in a journal: how would you analyze it, what would you criticize about it, what would you like about it?

 

Just hang in there.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny for being kind and gracious for your post in my journal. I really appreciate it.

Yes, I am telling myself that. I prayed to God and went and worked on my manuscript this afternoon-evening.

I'm trying my best to hang in there.

[LAYAAN]

So, I talked to this guy just once 3 weeks ago. There was no contact between us for 3 weeks. Today he emailed me "We are not that compatible. I think we should search elsewhere. Good luck to you."

 

I don't know what else to say here. I called my mom and informed her. She was supportive of me. She said to me "Focus on your PhD and get out. Focus all your physical, emotional and intellectual energy on that. Unless you finish that degree further decisions can't be taken. Consider this rejection as a part of the process. You have talked to him before. You were expecting getting turned down, right? So, don't worry about it."

I'm not writing him back with good luck and thank you or anything. Why did he keep coming back just to turn me down finally?

 

Sometimes I just hate to check my email. Don't know what bad news awaits me in my inbox. I struggled with myself yesterday and told myself to stay strong just to face this rejection in my inbox today. Talk about challenges.

[LAYAAN]

My prayer to God -

Help me trust in you with all my heart. Help me not doubt your love for me. Help me understand that no matter how hopeless the situation looks today, you are still holding me in your arms and you will show me the solution to every problem. You will renew my energy when I'm down and discouraged. You will bring me out of this fog into sunshine. No matter what I feel today, I'm still your child. You are my father and you are concerned about my wellbeing. You want me to be happy and you have a plan for me. God I want you to hold my hand and lead me on to a path that you want me to take and stay peaceful while on that path. Give me peace of mind to accept if things don't go my way. You still love me and certain things didn't work out in my life 1) because of my stupidity or 2) because you want to teach me a lesson or 3) because you want to protect me.

 

YOu are my friend, you are my father. All I need is you. If you don't desire a man in my life, remove this yearning for marriage and companionship. Take it away, I can't carry this burden anymore. I can't handle this rejection anymore. God, please help me not go crazy.

 

Help me to stay focused at school and studies today God. Help me understand that my day is coming and I'm working towards that.

[annie24]

yeah, you don't need to reply to that. or if you do, all you need to say is, 'i agree, good luck to you as well.' or whatnot. it's ok. finish up!!!!

[LAYAAN]

I sent him a reply.

"Thank you for your email. Good luck to you too."

 

Am I an ass for letting go of my firemen ex? The guy had a job and a house. Where has my life come down to? I saw a thread on ENA today... I'm 29, male, I have everything a man should have, a job, cars, house, I'm going to college and people were replying, women will be jumping all over you. Is this the truth? Where am I in this market? I'm single, I'm decent looking, I'm educated, I have no kids, I have no debt, I'm from a good family.... why doesn't anyone jump at me? because I'm >30 now? I guess so... I can't reverse my age...

 

Gosh... my brain is running wild again ... stop... focus, focus... study study, get out of PhD program, you will see a new life. Focus idiot... focus

 

I told myself I'll not think unproductive thoughts today... and there I go again. Calm down, give yourself a hug. everything will be okay. this is not the end.

[annie24]

tinu, i know how stressful a phd is myself, and i know it also creates a lot of time constraints. if you are like me, 90% of your time is either at home, doing housework, sleeping, or in lab or the library. not a lot of opportunities to meet men! if you could go out and socialize everyday, i'm sure it would be far easier to meet someone. i feel that way sometimes.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I guess that's what it is. Our program keeps us busy, so we dont' have a lot of opportunities to socialize. Add to it my introvert nature and my efforts to get licensed. I got to calm down and focus...

[LAYAAN]

Penny's reply to my recent post brought me some comfort today.

"Do you think these men turned you down out of maliciousness?"

No. Human nature naturally wants to know why. Just because he is not giving me reasons, doesn't mean he doesn't know those reasons. I have turned down several men too. They may have felt bad too. I need to remember that.

 

I need to develop this mentality. If someone doesn't want to be with me, I don't want to be with them either. This is not about begging. This is about mutual interest. I will have to keep looking until I find a man who likes me too. I need to have trust in God that He will direct me to the right guy. And if it doesn't happen at all, that is okay too. I would rather never get married than run after someone that my God never desired for me and all I get in return is ashes. Waiting is so difficult...

[LAYAAN]

I worked on my manuscript yesterday and today.

My boss was working on my manuscript today when I was about to leave. So, that's a good thing.

I finished putting in amendments for the IRB, took my boss's signature.

I talked to my 2nd PI yesterday and she said that I am appropriate to feel that the paper needs to get accepted now. She said that we all are hoping for that and you have persevered. I was happy to hear that.

I finished half chapter from pharmacy law book.

I walked in 4.5 miles today. Felt really really awesome.

Yes, I didn't pig out today.

My 3rd PI has postponed meeting with the other professor.Don't know why its getting delayed.

I contacted the journal, found their website, made changes in manuscript.

Prayed to God yesterday and today.

 

Had productive day yesterday and today. I'm hanging in there.

[annie24]

keep it up!!!!!!

[LAYAAN]

- Woke up in the middle of the night, around 2 am, and was awake enough to study, so finished the remaining chapter of pharmacy law.

- prayed to God

- got response of a running club president, scheduled appointment with him to attend the meeting tomorrow and Saturday.

[LAYAAN]

Awesome! I just talked to my boss. He thinks that the manuscript reads well and we should make some minor corrections and send it off.

Thank you, thank you, thank you for this encouragement God!

Give me strength to push through, give me such rays of hope God to continue on.

[LAYAAN]

So, I ran into the fireman ex's best friend today. We sat down and were talking. He told me the reason why my ex started pulling apart was because I wasn't sleeping with him.

I just feel numb right now. All those memories came back to me. The night when he wouldn't even ask me for a blanket at night when I was at his house. The midnight when I drove from his house in dense fog and he didn't bother to call me back to ask me if I reached home safe or not. How do people change like this? when they don't get sex... I feel sick to my stomach just thinking about it. I feel ashamed of myself for spending even 4 months in a pseudo-relationship with this man. When he knew that he was not going to get any sex from me, his real side came forward. He stopped asking me out. He stopped driving for 1/2 hour to come see me. He stopped paying for my food. He wouldn't call for a week. He wouldn't ask me to stay the night. Its like we are officially in a relationship and technically you are still my GF, but I wish I wasn't in relationship with you. I don't care what happens to you. I feel so sad thinking about how I was treated. I'm glad that I pulled the plug. Today his friend said that if you had not pulled the plug, he would have pulled it anyways.

I don't know what to say ... what to think... I can't think straight anymore. I'm just sitting here.. don't know what else to write... what else to say...

[LAYAAN]

I feel like such a loser right now. I don't know what else to say...

[dancing_magpie]

Don't feel bad Tinu - you stuck to your principles. If you made it clear to him that you weren't going to have sex, then he behaved like a jerk. He probably thought that you would give in at some point.

 

You are not a loser. The relationship didn't work out - not all of them will. I know you feel like you wasted time with him but you didn't - you learnt something from it.

[marshmlofluff]

Oh no. Why do YOU feel like a loser, though?

 

If sex was his issue, okay, your values differed--but he should have come out and said what the problem was, not taken it out on you in various unrelated ways.

 

At least now you don't have to regret dumping him; I wouldn't.

[LAYAAN]

You see Marsh, this is the reason its difficult for me to date in normal western dating pool. People expect this in the western world. Again, nothing is right or wrong. That is why I say, I am in a category by myself. I'm not a typical Indian, I'm not a typical American. I want to date, but I need at least 6 months to a year to decide if I want to sleep with a guy or not. Noone wants to deal with that. That is the reason why I've to stand in arranged market with hopes that I would get married, even when I don't like it. I'm sure you understand me because you have similar values.

[Batya33]

I am all for waiting until you feel comfortable but why the 6months-a year? Sorry if you already explained that. I don't like line drawing either about that sort of timing but in my experience more than 3-4 months was highly unusual for men in their 30s and up.

[penelope13]

Fair enough if you want to wait 6-12months (though not my personal thing, and I also don't know many men in their 30s who are willing to do that) till you know if you want to have sex with a guy, but don't be surprised if they then want to wait at least that same amount of time to decide if they want to marry you or not. I can't imagine anyone wanting to take the risk (regardless if in arrange market or not) to promise to marry someone if the woman in question is not sure if she wants to have sex one day.

 

Are you saying you would be willing to sleep with a guy in exchange for the wedding vows, even if you do not feel ready for it?

[marshmlofluff]

I can't imagine anyone wanting to take the risk (regardless if in arrange market or not) to promise to marry someone if the woman in question is not sure if she wants to have sex one day.

 

Are you saying you would be willing to sleep with a guy in exchange for the wedding vows, even if you do not feel ready for it?

 

My understanding was not that Tinu is unsure she ever wants to have sex, but just that Tinu prefers to wait for either marriage or a deep relationship commitment (6-12 months). Actually I feel similarly except that I just prefer to wait till marriage, period.

 

Attitudes toward sex are a huge and very frustrating gulf between Indian and Western values, and honestly if you have grown up believing that intimacy is something that goes with commitment, it is difficult and very painful to let go of the Indian ones.

 

Tinu--the way people view sex and relationships in the West still seems foreign to me every day. For me I just struggle to wrap my mind around how someone can say "I love you" twice a day and then say "I fell out of love" and disappear. "Love" appears to mean something very different here; it means something more like "you make me happy right this second" than "I want to spend forever with you."

 

These differences are is why I was scared to date a non-Indian guy until I was 27; like you say my values are Indian, and I am in fact more conservative than you are. The idea of sleeping with or living with someone without any kind of commitment made my skin crawl--then here it's just something you are expected to do.

 

But I wouldn't say that nobody will deal with cultural differences. There is a subset of non-Indian men whose values have a lot of overlap with Indian ones, or who will at least tolerate them. These men tend to be highly educated, liberal, open-minded and sensitive. Often they are Catholic, or have at some point in their life been religious, even if they aren't now. As someone who doesn't drink, is conservative about sex, etc. these are precisely the men I get along with; our values align on areas other than sex and therefore generally there is some overlap about sex also.

 

The last three guys I have dated have been in that category, and I met two of them even while living in a ridiculously rural area, so I am sure there are even more men like that near cities. Though things didn't work for various reasons none of them left me over sex. The first one and I split because we differed on kids; the second one was Joe whose story you have read. The third man is the one I am dating now and (despite the fact that we have been squabbling a little this week ) I am thinking I may very well end up marrying. I met many other men who did not become my boyfriends who were OK with my values, too.

 

One thing is that I was up front with these men very, very early on about my values, long before we got serious. It was awkward and embarrassing, but I often explained my feelings either before meeting or as early as Date #2. None of these men left; OK, all of them grumbled a bit--but if anything they respected me more for holding to my conviction. And in exchange for their understanding I also compromised somewhat on my values; somewhere between sex and no sex was a line for each of them where their needs would be met without my losing myself completely. Like anything else, it was an issue of sensitivity and compromise.

 

So I would not rule out non-Indian men completely...but you have to choose someone whose values have some overlap with yours, and (I think) you have to have the difficult conversations up front so that the man does not expect sex and then resent not getting it, lest he feel as though a bait-and-switch has been pulled on him.

[LAYAAN]

I am all for waiting until you feel comfortable but why the 6months-a year? Sorry if you already explained that. I don't like line drawing either about that sort of timing but in my experience more than 3-4 months was highly unusual for men in their 30s and up.

I don't like to generalize and say 6 months only, not a day less than that. With my 1st ex, we didn't have intercourse (sorry to be graphical), but we did everything other than that. I was naive, I could let my guard down. I trusted him at that time. I never regret it.

With the fireman, I just never really felt connected to him. We dated for about 2.5 months before he even brought up the topic of BF-GF. I wasn't sleeping with him in his bed that got him mad. He showed his anger in other ways.

Yes, what you say is right. I have heard many men say that if we don't see that we can get sex by 3-4 months in a relationship, we are out. I never regret not sleeping with the fireman. I was simply not ready. I never asked myself why. I just wasn't ready. I never felt connected to him. I took a long time to say "Ok, I'll like to be your GF too" I wasn't excited. I was hesitating that this wasn't really the man I was looking for. I ended the relationship and I'm not sorry about it. I don't blame him either. He is used to having sex with his GFs. That is not unusual. He couldn't force me. He tried to show his frustration by drifting away.

[LAYAAN]

Marsh,

I see what you are saying. If you refer back to some of my threads you will see that at least on 5 different occasions, our common friend or myself made it crystal clear to the guy that sex, if at all it happens, will happen very late in this relationship. I personally told him this before he even asked me to become his GF that 'he can go home, take time to think about this and continue with me if he really feels like it. If he doesn't, I will perfectly understand'.

 

I can think of following reasons -

1) He didn't make much of it. He thought "well, once the relationship develops, she will change her mind/I can talk her into it."

2) He heard me right, he thought he could handle it. He went in with all good intentions, but later realized that it was tougher than he thought. He couldn't accuse me of baiting him, so he showed his anger and frustration in being mean to me.

[LAYAAN]

Fair enough if you want to wait 6-12months (though not my personal thing, and I also don't know many men in their 30s who are willing to do that) till you know if you want to have sex with a guy, but don't be surprised if they then want to wait at least that same amount of time to decide if they want to marry you or not. I can't imagine anyone wanting to take the risk (regardless if in arrange market or not) to promise to marry someone if the woman in question is not sure if she wants to have sex one day.

 

Are you saying you would be willing to sleep with a guy in exchange for the wedding vows, even if you do not feel ready for it?

Previously, I felt that I would wait until marriage. I am now of an opinion that it would be a good idea to 'test drive before buying the car'. What I want is to know and feel that I'm in a committed relationship headed towards marriage. I need to feel that the guy is sincere, committed and will take care of the business if anything happens. From my side, right time for me to sleep with a man is when I can take care of emotional, biological and health consequences. Yes, I can understand if a guy wants to wait for another 6 months to a year to get married. I never said that I wanted to get married exactly at the end of 1 year. I always said that I want to see that things are headed in that direction by the end of 1 year. I'm scared of emotional dependence on the guy if I sleep with him.

No, I'm not willing to sleep with a guy in exchange for the wedding vows even if I'm not ready for it. In arranged marriage also decent people don't jump into bed the 1st night. You ease into it.