Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, I'm not sure if my schedule will work for you, but i'll PM you

Thank you Penny. I appreciate your help.

[annie24]

people are asses tinu. or at least, he's kind of clueless. trust me. i've been in grad school for 7 years, but for my field, that's not unusual at all. i agree,4 years in our program is extremely rare. i'd try not to get too upset about it but what you said is fine - that in your field, 6-7 years is the norm, or whatever. the other thing to think about is that most people go into engineering program with masters' degrees already, while this is not true for all the biological sciences. i didn't come in with a masters degree, nor will i have one.

 

i think overall though, PhDs translate better accross the world than do other degrees. especially if you took 7 years to do it. no offense to the brits, but their 3 year PhD programs aren't seen quite as rigorous as a typical US PhD. but then again, of course, that depends on the univeristy, the program they are in, if they already obtained a masters' degree, etc.....

[LAYAAN]

good luck to me! My stalker ex has spotted my profile on linkedin and sent me a request to add him in my professional network. I ignored it and reported it as spam. Don't know what else is is going to pursue.

[Batya33]

good luck to me! My stalker ex has spotted my profile on linkedin and sent me a request to add him in my professional network. I ignored it and reported it as spam. Don't know what else is is going to pursue.

 

That sounds pretty mild and not at all like stalking behavior.

[LAYAAN]

That sounds pretty mild and not at all like stalking behavior.

hahah... Batya, you don't know what he has done in the past. Read my previous posts. He hacked into my home computer. When I would come home and move my mouse, he would see that and call me immediately and say "I love you so I know you are home" He has sent me dirty emails on my school's email account "I'm the only one who can sexually please you"

[Batya33]

hahah... Batya, you don't know what he has done in the past. Read my previous posts. He hacked into my home computer. When I would come home and move my mouse, he would see that and call me immediately and say "I love you so I know you are home" He has sent me dirty emails on my school's email account "I'm the only one who can sexually please you"

 

Yes and I don't think this latest behavior is an example of stalking or necessarily an indication that he will do anything further. I'm sorry you had to go through that.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know how to deal with this girl from the next door lab that I've mentioned about before many times in my thread and journal. Its really getting to me.

Today's incidence - I was working at my desk on my paper, trying to focus in a busy, noisy lab on my work. She marches in.

"How do you arrange your ELISA kit? I want you to take a look at my ELISA kit."

"I arrange it as per what is written in the company's protocol. Everyone's kit is different."

Forced me to get up while I was writing my paper and take a look at her kit. I had a brain-MRI scheduled today and I had to run for the appointment. It was a very emotional day for me: yesterday and today. I called my mom and cried on phone. My dizziness has come back and I feel like I'm shaking even while sitting or lying in my bed. I wanted to work on my discussion today and submit it. In comes this girl. If I say no, she stands there, raises her voice (well, normally she talks like she is coming strongly onto you) and will argue with you. So, you end up losing energy trying to argue back to her. Instead, it is easier to just answer her Q and end the conversation.

 

Out of nowhere my boss decided to clean a freezer, not a bad idea. So, we were there, she marches in.

"How long will you be here?"

"Umm... I don't know. I can't tell anything right now."

"But still"

"May be 5-6"

went back to her desk. My boss, his assistant, other professor, everyone was trying to focus on something. She has no regard for anything.

 

Finally after everything was done, I sat at my desk to write my discussion. I try to jot down ideas as they come into my mind, if not written somewhere, I lose them. I was going over some references and trying to write comments, here she marches in again.

I have a Q for you.

"I'm really busy at this time. Can I please talk to you later?"

"But its just a quick Q."

"Please understand I've to submit my work to my PI before this evening."

raised her voice "but its just a simple Q"

"I'm not in right frame of mind. I have to jot down points." By this time I've already forgotten what I was working on.

"Alright ask"

asked her Q. It took me a minute to understand what she was talking about. Then my answer then her Q. then my answer. I finally told her "Your kit is different from mine. Your samples are different from mine. Every kit is different. You look at your protocol."

 

After this nonsense I just left the lab. Came home, I will go again tonight and tomorrow to work in peace in lab. I'm really really tired of talking to this girl. She does not want to understand your point of view, she raises her voice like a marching rhino at you and expects that everyone put her work ahead of your work. Everyone around has complained about her personality. I just don't know what to do anymore. Why wouldn't you just leave me alone? Mind you, she will not return your favor. When you need help, she would not step down or change anything. She would get mad at you if you ask her any Q when she is busy.

 

I can't talk about it to anyone. My professor is mad at her. He doesn't like her at all. He finds her annoying. Her and my common friend won't say anything to her. She takes her side always because she needs a friend to have lunch with. I've begun to avoid this friend. I find annoying and selfish. She has strong opinions and will not mind raising her voice while stating those. Why bother wasting so much energy to raise your voice and tell others how you are right?

[annie24]

She sounds very rude. She should have gone away when you told her you were busy with a deadline. I think you might have to have a talk with her, tell her that you don't mind helping her, but sometimes you have your own stuff to do and don't have time to look over her stuff, etc. Tell her you'd prefer it from now on that if she has a question for you, to try to make an appointment/schedule a time to talk with you about it, rather than asking you to give up everything.

 

I have a labmate that does something similar. I just started saying, "i'm busy" whenever he does that to me.

[annie24]

I finally told her "Your kit is different from mine. Your samples are different from mine. Every kit is different. You look at your protocol.

 

hahah, i would have said the same thing!!

[LAYAAN]

She sounds very rude. She should have gone away when you told her you were busy with a deadline. I think you might have to have a talk with her, tell her that you don't mind helping her, but sometimes you have your own stuff to do and don't have time to look over her stuff, etc. Tell her you'd prefer it from now on that if she has a question for you, to try to make an appointment/schedule a time to talk with you about it, rather than asking you to give up everything.

I have a labmate that does something similar. I just started saying, "i'm busy" whenever he does that to me.

Yes, Annie. I'm going to write her an email. I talked to a friend yesterday. She suggested that I try to work in the lab when in quiet hours. When she comes in to bother me, simply continue looking at the screen and she will go away after a while.

[LAYAAN]

I had a really hard day today. I went to school to work on my discussion section. My boss didn't like it at all. He said "Looks like we are going backward." He said that our study was really poorly organized. I told him that I felt the same way but the data was already collected. Unfortunately my computer is recently changed and the statistics software isn't working at all. So, I've to wait until tomorrow till I can go to the library and complete my work using that software.

This is emotionally so hard for me, I can't explain. I just want to go home. That is the reason I want to get married. So, I can come home to someone and the guy would at least hold me and tell me that everything will be okay and I don't need to fear. Its strange. I can't even cry. I'm feel numb. I don't know what lies in my future. I really want to graduate and get out. I really want this paper to be accepted in whatever journal now.

[annie24]

it sounds like you just need some comfort.

 

are you talking to a therapist? I know i have told you before, but does your campus have a "PhD student support group" of sorts? that would be good for you. somewhere where you can vent your frustrations and talk to others in your situation. I am in such a group, and some of the students (including myself!) have complained about something similar - where the advisor says they don't like this, but aren't being specific about what to change.

 

 

Do you have a thesis committee? This might be something to talk to the members of your committee about - that you have this study, and you aren't sure what to do with it, because of the data collection.

 

can you somehow spin this? what about adding a theoretical section? or maybe an analysis of the methods that are out there to study this problem? something more computational where you don't need to get more data.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

You are right. Honestly, I need someone to talk to. I am going deeper and deeper into depression, Annie. I'm unable to pull myself out of this. Its been 2 weeks, I drink only smoothie and not eat anything else. I have lost weight. My physician told me to go back on my antidepressants.

Annie, I need to get out of this mess. I really do. If there is no PhD, that is okay, but I want my sanity back.

There is no formal PhD student organization. I can talk to fellow students about this, but I really dont' want to bother anyone. Pretty much everyone is going through same nonsense. Everyone gets different items of same nonsense.

I told my boss today that I will try writing this discussion again and I will try to make it simple. My boss was sad and serious today because he knows that the study is a failure and its very difficult to salvage the data. We have been trying to get this paper accepted since Oct 2008 Annie.

[annie24]

You should contact the counseling services on campus and see if they have something like this. The good thing about our group is that everyone is from a different department, so it's not as if someone can go and gossip to others... but we all face similar problems in engineering, sciences, humanities, etc...

 

what about your committee, you have a thesis committee, right? do you have yearly committee meetings?

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I have a committee. Yes, I have committee meetings. The problem is that noone on my committee including my PI is well versed with the area that I'm doing a research in. Now you would ask well why did they start the project? Well, my 3 PIs just got excited with the idea, they were given the money and they started the project. My PI has never conducted human studies before and now he feels he should have never even started this project.

We are at a point where we don't care about the impact factor of the journal. I just want the paper to be accepted so I can graduate next year.

 

Yes, I have counseling service, but like you said its not for PhD students only. I go there sometimes, but I've to pay $50/session. What you say is true though, all students go through similar nonsense. They are not all that different. That gives me hope that I am not the only one and I can survive.

[annie24]

oh yes, you have no idea. everyone goes through nonsense. i can't say what others have been through, because of confidentiality, but let me assure you, other students in other fields have similar troubles. either their studies aren't working, there is some beauracratic paperwork, their collaborators aren't cooperating, etc... there's always something. no one has a perfect PhD.

 

that said, you are definitely going through a lot.

 

if you would like, maybe you can give me more details via PM and I can ask the group next time we get together what you can do about your problem? i won't reveal your name or university.

 

the other solution i am thinking - what about a collaboration with someone on campus who does do human studies? maybe you can ask them what to do? or maybe, they would even agree to collaborate and help you with adding more data to the study that will make it publishable?

 

is it possible that the referees for these journals have been some of the same people? i know in my particular topic of study, there are a few labs where we review their papers and they review ours! Obviously, we haven't told them we review their work, and they haven't told us, but it is obvious from the comments, it is easy to figure out who it is. If some other PI is looking at the work, they might just be saying, "this is the same article from the same people, who submitted to X journal last month, we rejected them then, we reject the study now too." even with lower-tier journals, i imagine that there must be similar refs??

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie for your reply. Just makes me feel better that someone understands.

About collaboration - Last time our paper was rejected (early June), my PI showed it to a lady on campus who publishes in very similar area and she told him to try journal X instead. So, we had 2 groups and M/F in each group, it was too much to handle, so we decided to separate the data into 2 papers which is what I'm working on right now. So we have 1 group with M/F subjects that would be 1 paper then another paper would be 2nd group with M/F subjects. Now, when we get the paper ready, we are going to go to her with the paper and ask her to review her. She has published widely, so I'm going to request my 3rd PI to push my 1st PI to see if we could get the lady's name on our paper so hopefully it will get published. My 1st PI has a strong ego though. He doesn't want to listen to anyone. I hope you understand now why my PhD is delayed.

 

About reviewers - When I attended meeting in 2008, I met a professor who said to me, "It will be hard for you to get your work published. Noone knows your PI. He is very new in this area." So, yes, you are right, some of the reviewers may be same. They think that we are putting really low quality work out there.

[annie24]

does your advisor have tenure?

[LAYAAN]

oh yes, he is 67. He should be retiring now.

[annie24]

yeah, i was figuring - you either have a young clueless prof, or you have someone who doesn't care anymore.

 

he doesn't have as much invested in this paper as you do. this is your future, but he just wants to retire. this is crap. i kind of understand now why you want to 'escape' into marriage - but let me assure you, a man can't rescue you. you have to rescue yourself out of this.

 

you said you need a paper to graduate - can you write a review article with your advisor on his actual field of expertise? that will count as a paper.

 

as for this work, i would try to really establish a collaboration with that other professor, and you will have to be cunning and think of a way to spin it to your advisor so he thinks its a great idea. if you've shopped your article around to 4 different journals and everyone says no, it's clear you need stronger data, one way or the other.

[LAYAAN]

Annie, please bear with me as I explain "being rescued by a man" -

My friend came into MS+PhD program. No offense, but she is not good looking. She knew it was gonna be hard for her to get married. She continued going back to India every 6 months to find a guy. Found a guy who was in the US at that time. Got married to him, came back to the US. Told her advisor that she wants to complete her MS and call it a day. Wrote her thesis and now is married, has a child and a pharmacist's job in phoenix. Life is perfect.

 

I on the other hand, stayed too focused on my PhD and getting pharmacist's license. I let men go. Yes, all men have asked me finance Qs. The upcoming guy will too. There is no guarantee that he won't. Her life is stable now. Mine is still wavering. She got married at the age of 27-28. Now, getting a decent man is becoming difficult for me.

 

Can you please explain why you say "A man can't rescue you"? Her husband rescued her.

[annie24]

tinu, do you really want to give up on grad school?

 

everything looks perfect from the outside, but you do not know what her marriage is like on the inside. i would not be happy dropping out with a masters' either.

[LAYAAN]

I don't want to drop out with an MS at this stage. But PhD journey is really making me miserable. I am tired of this emotional ups and downs. I also really want to get married and come home to someone. I'm tired of being alone.

 

I decided to take a break from school today. I'm not going to lab. Seeing my professor's face every single day makes me sick to my stomach. I'm going back on my antidepressants. My physician told me that I simply can't stop my antidepressant medication. I must continue it. I went through withdrawal last couple months. I have realized that I can't function well if I'm not on my pill. It hurts me to know that I am not able to cope up that I'm not adequate. It hurts me more that I don't recognize myself when I'm on my pill and when I'm off the pill. These are 2 different personalities. What has my life come down to man... just madness.

 

I hope to get some basic cooking done today. Feel very tired though. I enquired about an Indian lady who goes to your place and gets all cooking done $10/hour. I will buy groceries and tell the lady to cook for a week. Really I eat brown rice with veggies and some vegetable curry and tofu/veggie meat. That is my solid food. Then I drink smoothie all through the day.

[LAYAAN]

I at least had a somewhat productive day today. I took my pill so I wasn't all over the place. I got 2 chapters done for pharmacy and went to school and redid my discussion chapter and submitted it to my professor. So when he comes tomorrow morning, he can go over it.

[Ellie2006]

T, if you did not go to the lab and had a productive day, then maybe you should search for other places where you can get some work done? Since I am in humanities, I dont know if you *have to* be in the lab at this point in your dissertating stage.

 

Also, (granted, there probably are disciplinary differences at play here but ....) one's advisor is NEVER as invested in your dissertation as you are. Even though my chair was more congenial than yours, she was pretty much hands-off. She was like, this is what you were trained to do, and so you should figure things out on your own. And I suppose, to a certain extent, she was right, although I was pretty upset that she didnt offer more guidance. At one point, I was pretty much panic-stricken because I was stuck and felt like I couldnt go to her for help for fear that she'd think me stupid for asking such an elementary question.

 

anyways, just focus on getting out, and getting out fast! Good luck!