Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

i'm sorry tinu, that freaking sucks to be born under a "bad sign." and it sucks that people are so superstitious. all I can tell you is to hang in there. Glad you had a good meeting with your advisor. I agree, it's not personal, any critisism they may have for you.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Annie, I'm used to it now. It used to hurt a lot before. Soon I accepted it. I can't convince people to think otherwise. I can understand their fears. And most importantly when several alternates are available in market, why would you risk your life on someone? especially when you are not in love with them. Makes perfect sense. That is why I keep my cards open for people to see. If they are okay with the deal then they can proceed, if they are not, that is good too.

[dancing_magpie]

Funny astrology story for you Tinu - my parents got married in secret. Dad's family kept asking him to see girls because they were desperate for him to marry. He bizarrely agreed to do so, only to keep turning them down - much to my grandmother's distress (and surely my mother wasn't impressed about this either).

 

Freaking out, my grandmother went to the priest who checked Dad's horoscope to see if there was some problem. The priest read Dad's horoscope and then said to her, 'why are you looking for a girl for him? He's already married.'

 

So she goes back to my dad and then the whole marriage thing comes out... and fortunately it was all okay... well mostly - my mum was a Catholic!

 

I'm sure this is all family mythology - though my aunt and grandmother claim it's true. I certainly don't have any belief in astrology of any kind and am highly skeptical that the priest was able to see that Dad was married in his horoscope but have always quite liked this story anyway.

[LAYAAN]

hahah.... this is hilarious! I want to go see that priest. Do you have the address? Who can read a horoscope this clearly? This priest is God. Seriously!

[LAYAAN]

I have joined a writing workshop class. There are 8-10 senior PhD students. The teacher asks students to bring their manuscripts, proposals that they are working on and would like others' feedback on. So, I took my manuscript there today.

The feedback was amazing. I gave a 2-3 minute talk about our study. What is the uniqueness, what are the findings, what do we want readers to get from this. At the end of my brief talk, I said "I want you to be very honest and open about your feedback. I'm looking to improve my manuscript. Please don't hesitate to ask Qs and give feedback."

We got through only title page and abstract and the comments were super helpful. I thanked everyone, went to my boss and shared the comments with him. He (for once in my life) wasn't annoyed by it. Said "sure, get the suggestions incorporated and send it over to me before you forget the comments." So, I did exactly that. I reconstructed the title and abstract and submitted it to him.

I'm really thankful to God for the suggestions these students provided and also my boss for not freaking out.

[LAYAAN]

So, my mom got in touch with one of her past students, she is in northern CA now. She got married @ age of 21 yrs, right out of engineering BS, her husband was an IIT graduate. Her husband is her mom's boss's son. Now she is well settled in the US, has a job, house, husband, kid. Her mom got married really young, just like her. This girl's husband paid for her education in the US.

Why not me? Why not me? Why can't I find someone like that?

To face someone like her is emotionally difficult for me. Really. I just feel like hiding somewhere. This girl has everything. Got married to a great catch (according to arrange marriage standards, which are really high as we all know), he paid for her education, the marriage is still intact, she has a child, everything is great! why not me? Why not everyone in this world? Why is everyone's life different? Why isn't everyone's life ideal like hers? My mom gave me her phone no. and has asked me to get in touch with her. Its tough to face any of my old and successful friends at this time. Everyone has moved on in life except me.

[annie24]

it's easy to say everything is wonderful and dandy on the outside, but you don't know what their marriage is like on the inside. a marriage is very complex, and we don't know what goes on behind closed doors. just keep that in mind when you start to feel this way.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie. I will.

The real challenge is why I associate being married with success. May be because I don't have it. Just like a person looking for job would say "wow, you at least have a job, no matter how much it sucks."

[LAYAAN]

Where else am I going to go to vent? Its like finding a man, getting married is such a mundane aspect of human life and I'm struggling so bad like there is something seriously lacking in me.

I really just feel like killing myself. Whats the point in living a life like this? My parents called and harassed me today. This boy's parents called us "Our son emailed your daughter, she hasn't emailed him back." My mom "I'm sorry. I will ask her."

My mom to me "Do you want to get married or not? At least have courtesy to answer his email. We have to face his parents here."

Me "Have some trust in me. I will forward you the guy's email and the reply that I sent him. You see for yourself and talk to his parents. I am tired of you accusing me constantly."

Dad "You should come to see me here. I'm back to home from hospital."

Me "I'm glad you are home, but I already told you what is happening with me. You don't want me to go over the same details over again. My exams are coming, my paper is rejected by the 4th journal. I can't dare ask my boss that I want to take an off to go see my dad in India. You must understand that."

Dad "I'm too weak to fly there. If I die I may not even see you."

Me "Right, I understand that. I am not sure that I will get my visa renewed to come back into the US. My visa can get denied and I dont' want to take that chance. Considering my health after accident and that my dizziness has come back, all the pending work piles here, I really don't think I can come back now."

Dad started crying when I said I can't talk anymore about this with you.

MY mom called me "He has just come back from the hospital, why couldn't you be more sympathetic?"

Why am I alive? What am I alive for? Is it possible for me to just marry whoever here? Why can't I find a man to marry, any man will do. That's okay. At least this phase of life will be over. Why am I alive? Really. I don't understand. What am I looking forward to in my life? Why do people like me live when clearly there is no hope? I can't stop thinking of going back to my fireman ex. I will beg him to marry me. or I'll go back to this 39 year old guy who wants to have kids immediately. Every man wants kids. I can't escape that trap in arranged marriage. Why am I even alive to see all this nonsense? Why don't I just die? Whats the purpose of my life anyways? Seems like just one never ending uphill battle anyways. Education, job, marriage, kids, their marriage. What nonsensical, purposeless, dry race is human life man. I'm going to India and I will get married to whoever really. Its all nonsense, adjustment, surrendering anyways.

[LAYAAN]

I hate my life. I want to kill myself and just finish all this nonsense once for all. All this madness of finding a man would be over. Job worries, answering finance Qs of men in arranged market, everything will be over. There will be only peace. My parents will rest in peace. They won't have to worry abotu my marriage. My parents have made my life hell. These men in arranged market are lying to their parents and my parents dont' believe me when I tell them anything. I hate everyone, everything in my life. I just want to die. Why am I alive to see this nonsense? Why .. I hate myself.

[LAYAAN]

Who came up with this number 30 man? That all women all over the world are following this number like something magically will be switched off in them. Women should be married by 30. Where is the origin of this concept? How long ago did this concept take root in women's minds? Why 30? Whats so special about it? Why not 20? Why not 40? 40 seems more achievable goal. Honestly with all the education, job, finding yourself, rebelling, questioning the established norms, reinventing the wheel, crawling back to the same caveman attitude and standards... really this takes time.

Like how I rebelled against set standards, came to USA to study, said I will never had kids and now I find myself at a position in my life that I will marry the next human being with a * * * * and heck I will bear his kid in my tummy too, oh and I will not complain. I will go through this torture how many ever times. I will not complain at all. Nothing else matters anywas. What purpose is my brain serving me? Why do I even have a brain? Well, do I really have a brain? I'm against women getting educated. I really am. Spend that money on getting plastic surgery instead and marry a rich guy. I swear I will marry my daughter off before age 2. There is no need to wait. Or get her fake boobs and all, prepare her for miss India, miss usa whatever and just marry her off.

[annie24]

Tinu - You keep talking about the nonsense your parents put you through, maybe you should not go the arranged marriage route? that plus it is detracting from your studies. How much time do you waste each day being upset and stressed over this? If you're going to insist on keeping up with arranged marriage, then maybe give yourself 30 minutes a day to think about it, max, and then when the 30 minutes is up, go back to other topics.

[penelope13]

Tinu, I am a bit at a loss how to help you (it definitely WON'T be by marrying the next best guy):

 

I know you have different cultural pressure: but I am 35, not married yet, and got together with my bf only 6 months ago - it's totally possible to meet quality men when you are older than 30!

 

I know you use this board as a venting site, great. But do you feel you are making some progress, any kind of progress on your emotional development? Either with the help of your religion, self help books or a professional?

 

The reason why it seems so hard to help you at the moment is because you are going through the same thing again and again. You have gotten a lot of advice from many people on here, yet somehow it seems you are determined to continue to remain stuck in your situation.

 

Yes it's tough having parents breathing down your neck and having expectations that are quite unrealistic. I've been there as well as many other people. But it's up to you to learn how to emotionally disconnect from them. They are thousand of miles away, yet you still allow them to emotionally unbalance you all the time.

 

Why do you allow yourself to be pressured (either by your family or yourself) to deal with this arranged marriage if the end of your PhD is really in sight and if this is currently disrupting completely your energy and emotional well being.

 

Let's face it: you will NOT find the right guy and will get engaged within the next few months. Not because you are 31, or not rich enough, or whatever, but simply because you are absolutely not in the right state of mind to enter any kind of healthy relationship. It needs 2 healthy people to form and maintain a healthy relationship. Even if Mr. Perfect would knock on your door. I don't believe that you would be able to handle it with all the anxiety, fear, and anger that are inside of you. Mr. Perfect will not be able to magically turn you into a well balanced, emotionally stable, strong person. He will not magically solve all your problems for you. That is just an unrealistic dream.

 

Of course you could get involved with someone tomorrow and maybe some of your problems would disappear, but unless you learn to deal with your anxiety and depression, other triggers will arise. You would only shift what you are unhappy about.

 

Please don't even consider to have a child just to 'qualify' for someone's marriage proposal. Look at how unhappy you are and what the unhappiness of your parents is doing to you. Do you really want to expose a child to a similar situation, just because you had to suffer through it?

 

Being alone can be hell. Being stuck in hell with someone else is a whole other dimension.

 

Maybe start focusing to think about the positive things in your life, rather than to allow your thoughts to focus on the things that you don't have yet.

 

Focus on your PhD and nothing else. You will be surprised how liberating it can be when you let go of something that gives you constant anxiety. After you have finished your PhD you will have more time and energy to rethink your strategies how to find someone to marry.

[LAYAAN]

Hi Penny and Annie,

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't hoping to get one after ranting so much in my post. You all have been very patient with me. Thank you so much for that.

 

Noone is wrong. My issue is that I'm standing in wrong market. If I'm this miserable, I should get out, but I won't and I also have no strength to handle the nonsense (which really isn't nonsense, that's just the nature of the market). I'm too sensitive at this time due to all pressures and can't take rejection well in this market.

 

Penny, you said it right. I wrote exactly the same thing in my prayer journal. I'm mentally not in a position to take marriage decision at this time. If I take it, chances of it turning out wrong are higher. I'm just not in a position to identify the right guy.

[penelope13]

If I'm this miserable, I should get out, but I won't

 

Why will you not get out?

[annie24]

If I'm this miserable, I should get out, but I won't and I also have no strength to handle the nonsense (which really isn't nonsense, that's just the nature of the market).

 

i'm not saying that the arranged marriage thing is nonsense because i think it clearly works for some people. there are pros and cons to arranged marriage vs. a western style of dating. neither is right nor wrong.

 

HOWEVER, i agree wtih penelope in that i think both approaches are well, wrong for you right now. It's nonsense because it's a distraction away from your real tangible goal - the PhD and the exams!

 

like pen said, no one can gaurantee you will find your husband tomorrow. of course, you might. but no matter how pretty and rich and talented you are, that doesn't corellate with finding a husband. i'm sure you've known women who are not as pretty, not as educated and not as smart as you getting married to quality men. everyone has what they want.

 

BUT.... I know if you work hard, you WILL finish this phd and exams and that will be a huge relief. you can focus on the marriage then.

 

and i do agree with pen, your emotional state right now doesn't seem in a good place to be in a relationship. you seem kind of angry and anxious and in a bad state, it's not really a good way to start a relationship, neither is it really attractive to men, if you are angry and defensive.

 

anyways, my 2 cents.

 

ok, i have to go back to writing my own dissertation now.

[marshmlofluff]

Hi Penny and Annie,

Thank you for your reply. I wasn't hoping to get one after ranting so much in my post. You all have been very patient with me. Thank you so much for that.

 

Btw as to the rants, sometimes I think all the same things as you do. I like how honest you are about putting your thoughts down.

 

Calm down and work on one thing at a time. Just finish your PhD and then go from there.

 

Other people have advised you to stop looking on the arranged market while you are doing your PhD. But since it seems that *not* looking might make you more anxious, I agree with Annie's advice: Keep the arranged market thing going but in the background; devote a certain amount of time to it every day but don't pay it too much attention and don't let it take over your life or distract you from your studies.

 

About your dad, maybe it is not the best thing if you go right now, but don't not go just because you are afraid to take time off. I know during my PhD I also felt "oh, how can I take a couple of weeks off," but in retrospect in the long term it really wouldn't have made any difference. I'm sure if you said your dad was sick your advisor would understand if you left for a couple of weeks.

 

And actually whether India or otherwise, maybe a change of scenery for a couple of weeks (after your exams are done maybe?) would do you good. You seem to be stuck in this feedback loop (it happens to me too) where you are afraid you won't finish your PhD so you distract yourself with marriage. Then you get afraid and start thinking negative thoughts about marriage and that makes you more afraid, etc. If you can change your surroundings for a little while maybe it will break that loop.

[LAYAAN]

And actually whether India or otherwise, maybe a change of scenery for a couple of weeks (after your exams are done maybe?) would do you good. You seem to be stuck in this feedback loop (it happens to me too) where you are afraid you won't finish your PhD so you distract yourself with marriage. Then you get afraid and start thinking negative thoughts about marriage and that makes you more afraid, etc. If you can change your surroundings for a little while maybe it will break that loop.

I thought of taking a break, just don't want to go back home. I can face my parents. I just do not want to see my relative's faces. I'm a loser according to everyone marsh. All my relatives are engineers or physicians. I feel like I have made a huge mistake by choosing this profession. When I was in college, software engineering was booming, noone knew what software engineering was until the 90s and boom everyone started going into that branch of engineering. The money and job opportunities associated with it brought people prestige. Suddenly software engineers became the brightest of the crop this and that. All my friends are now settled, got married at the age 24-25, have kids, have great jobs and I'm still struggling. I don't want to go back to India. Then there is Q of marriage. I feel like an outsider there. My parents understand me a lot. They do. My parents try not to throw it on my face that I'm not married, but their hands are tied by the system too. I feel like I'm a total loser for not following the highway that everyone followed.

Yes, I used pursuit of marriage as a distraction from my PhD or as a means of relieving stress of PhD. Now when I look back I feel I should have focused on PhD more, I would be done by now and would be able to move on with my life.

[annie24]

don't beat yourself up. just focus on the phd and get out.

[Ellie2006]

don't beat yourself up. just focus on the phd and get out.

 

I agree. Keep reminding yourself that a done dissertation is the best dissertation!

 

As for everything else, you will be in a better frame of mind to tackle those issues after you exorcise yourself of the dissertation anxieties.

 

On a side note: you might not believe me right now, but I think I was at my happiest (in my professional life) when I was dissertating! Never again have I been able to eat, sleep, breathe ... indulge myself solely on "MY" project. If you think about it, it is quite a luxury so enjoy the process!

 

Good luck!

[marshmlofluff]

I totally, totally understand this...things were the same for me by the way.

 

Near the end of grad school, I used to avoid my extended family because in their eyes I was basically a loser for not being a married IT person. I don't have time right now to write the details but I may do it later; at one point in my fifth year of grad school my aunt and uncle basically staged something like an "intervention" to tell me I was making a mess of my life.

 

Anyway, I finished my PhD, and got a postdoc at a place they had heard of (not because it was particularly prestigious, but because they had many married IT/engineer friends there...people are so stupid sometimes) and suddenly they had some respect for me. I made professor. And with my degree in hand, I finally got my spine back--and I didn't take that kind of crap from anyone any more. After that, my relatives finally understood that the person whom they were treating like a loser was actually quite successful in the eyes of--oh--the rest of the world? And nobody bothered me any more.

[annie24]

^^ great post marsh. totally agree with everything and i am glad you didn't listen to your aunt and uncle.

 

my mom is like that too. constantly asking when i'm going to graduate (she asked me twice in our last phone conversation and i hung up on her). she told me one of my old high school friends was getting married, and the tone in her voice was like it was such a huge accomplishment, you'd think she found the cure for cancer.

[LAYAAN]

I had a matrimonial meeting (yes, that's the better description. I don't go out on dates) today. Most likely I'm going to turn it down. I'm not physically attracted to the guy, i look taller than him. He seems like an intelligent, nice guy though. Talks a lot. I didn't talk much. I let him talk. I hate to turn down nice guys.

After I talked to him today, I just developed a whole new perspective in my heart for men who have turned me down. Who knows, they may have felt the same way about me "She seems nice, she isn't bad looking either, but I'm not comfortable with her profession/lack of income. I hate to turn her down, but its a necessary evil." Deciding to marry someone really has emotional and business aspect to it. For some people if the business aspect falls in place then that's sufficient to make the decision. For others, they want both, but they may choose to start with the business factor. For others its only emotional, they will provide for you and the family, they are there for love and companionship. Getting married is like getting accepted into a difficult program at a university. You break a sweat just to get accepted (get married), to find out that that was way too easy, now the hard part begins. Supporting, caring for the person, putting up with him, letting go, forgiving, hanging in there, being your partners friend, mother, staying positive, working and bringing home income, cooking, cleaning.... all in exchange of hope that the partner will love u and care for you and have your back. How many do actually? none to few. Marriage is tough. Deciding to marry someone is hard, the process of arranging a wedding is nerve-wracking, well for perfectionists and approval seekers. I sometimes feel that wedding is a celebration of your last day as a single, happy, carefree person. sounds harsh! Bride's relatives cry in Indian weddings. (Now groom's relatives cry too, times have changed! yes, they cry for the same reason, uncertainty about the groom's future and if this woman will be a good wife to him) I am really understanding now and have developed deep appreciation for how tough marriage really is.

[marshmlofluff]

I had a matrimonial meeting (yes, that's the better description. I don't go out on dates) today. Most likely I'm going to turn it down. I'm not physically attracted to the guy, i look taller than him.

 

Is that the only reason? I mean, of course you are ultimately the only one in a position to know whether you like a man or not, but in this whole thread you have been talking about how all you want is to get married, and you don't even care who the man is or whether he wants to disregard your wishes and use you as an incubator, and how marriage is surrender and adjustment and you may as well give in to just anyone.

 

So when a nice and intelligent guy comes along, are you sure you want to turn him down just because he looks too short? (Looks short, not even is short.)

[annie24]

yeah, gotta agree with marsh. though i am primarily attracted to taller men, i've met men my own height i have been attracted to. I wouldn't make too big a deal of the "looks short" thing. like marsh said, if you really do want to get married, you might not want to write off men too quickly.

 

besides, how do you know that those men wrote you off for your career, and not some other reason?