Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

tinu, it seriously breaks my heart to hear you talk like this. you aren't a gallon of milk at the store that has an expiration date. you're a lovely young woman, finishing her education. you deserve so much more, and you shouldn't settle or feel the need to marry the next guy. there is really no reason to enter a lifelong committment with a man you barely know, whose "contract" is not for you, etc... i mean, desperation is not an attractive quality, and i am so afraid that if you just settle for whomever, with the belief that your expiry date is coming up, you will be 100 times more miserable.

 

I understand that arranged marriage is different and all of that, but if you are going to marry someone you barely know, at least you should have a similar schedule for your goals. know what i mean? if you do decide to marry quickly, at least it should be to a man who encourages you to finish your education, and decides together with you when to have children, not dictating to you that it will be ASAP. does this make sense?

 

look, this stage at your life is sooooo stressful, it's one of the most stressful experiences i think at all. you are working hard, and your life is not your own. you're at the mercy of professors to grant you a degree. if you walk away, you'll have lost it all. if you stick it out, you'll have the degree, and you don't have to do it ever again! getting married won't make your life perfect, not even if you marry Brad Pitt, there will be problems, and you'll have a problem with a man you are legally bound to.

 

maybe now is a good time to stop and think about why drove you to your field in the first place, and what sort of impact you want to make on society. you know, go back to what drove you to pursue higher education in the first place and use that as motivation. it's easy to lose sight of why we do what we do.

[Pkittie]

Tinu, life is not just about being married & producing kids. Even you know deep in your heart that life is soooooo much more...You can crib as much as you want to but remember you are somewhat in control of your destiny by the choices you MAKE! Stop blaming your parents, society & what not. All of us don't have perfect lives or situations, but giving in is never a solution. If you watched slumdog millioanire, what did you learn? If you haven't watch it? Why are you not doing the AOL course??

[dancing_magpie]

Hi Tinu - I think you've just admitted to yourself that this guy is not right for you:

 

Deep in my heart I'm not happy about what this guy's contract terms are. I'm already feeling pressured which is an unpleasant feeling.

 

Be honest with yourself, what is your gut telling you to do?

 

Today I talked to my mom and she told me that I should focus on my PhD and get it out of my way. If not I should at least wait until I pass pharmacy boards, transfer license to other states and find a job. In the mean time, if I can wrap up my PhD, great, if not, at that time I can reevaluate the option of staying in PhD program. I haven't told my mom about this guy yet.

 

Your mother is actually making a lot of sense here and echoes what a lot of other commentators and you yourself have also said.

 

At the end of the day you are an adult and have to make this decision for yourself since you are the one who has to live with the consequences. Whilst I truly believe that you are stressed in regards to the whole marriage situation, is it possible that you are also using it as a diversion from your most pressing concern which is your PhD work?

 

You need to stand up for yourself and do what is best for you. You also need someone that respects you and your timeline.

 

Right at this moment I think the best thing you can do for yourself is actually be quite selfish - see to your own needs. Don't listen to guilt-trips from your parents and don't get involved with men who are only concerned about their own needs and not about yours. You deserve better - much better.

[LAYAAN]

Hi Tinu - I think you've just admitted to yourself that this guy is not right for you: Be honest with yourself, what is your gut telling you to do?

Yes, I mean as much as I would like to get married and put an end to this process of looking, its difficult to get married in rush without having a calm confidence about the decision. The current situation doesn't let me take enough time to interact with men in stress-free environment and take thoughtful decisions without any haste. So, I will have to let the guy go.

 

Your mother is actually making a lot of sense here and echoes what a lot of other commentators and you yourself have also said. At the end of the day you are an adult and have to make this decision for yourself since you are the one who has to live with the consequences. Whilst I truly believe that you are stressed in regards to the whole marriage situation, is it possible that you are also using it as a diversion from your most pressing concern which is your PhD work?

Yes, I have wondered about this too. I might be actually trying to find an escape from my school stress by running around and finding a guy.

 

You need to stand up for yourself and do what is best for you. You also need someone that respects you and your timeline. Right at this moment I think the best thing you can do for yourself is actually be quite selfish - see to your own needs. Don't listen to guilt-trips from your parents and don't get involved with men who are only concerned about their own needs and not about yours. You deserve better - much better.

I would like to share with you what DN wrote to me on my other thread.

You have set your goals and don't wish to alter them for anyone. Why won't you allow these guys the same right to set theirs and not alter them for you.

This was an eye-opener. I can't tell the guy to respect my timeline. Why should he? Think about it. He is not forcing me to do anything that I don't want to. He is only stating what he wants. He is clearly determined to follow his timeline. Now, the Q that I need to ask myself is "Are you in? Do you think you are willing to take decisions on his timeline and not resent yourself or him or your child for that?" If I'm not ready, then I should tell the guy so and let him move on. This is something I have realized in arranged market. People are looking to get married soon and if you are mentally not in that phase, they don't want to deal with you (and honestly they shouldn't). You should not try to hold them back or let them tell you that your belief is wrong. So, its not that the guy is acting selfish. I'm acting selfish too. I'm selfish about finishing my schooling, getting other professional things sorted out, etc. Why does a man need to respect that? Am I respecting his wish to get married soon and start a family? You see what I'm saying? Its not about respecting someone's wishes. Its about being with someone who wants similar things from life at similar times. The guy is ahead of me so he is right in his views. I'm right in my views. Both of us want to get married, but our timeline is different, so we are incompatible.

 

Now, these are my choices -

1) If I am panicking about letting a decent guy go, then I need to forget about my views and marry him on his timeline and have a child (which is what most women would do because they don't want to deal with uncertainty.)

If I don't want to do that, -

2) I need to let this opportunity pass and wait to find someone who is in similar phase of life as I'm

3) or who thinks its worth extending his timeline to be with someone like me 4) or I will soon grow up, my education will be over, this phase will pass and I will get into a phase that most men n women in arranged market are in and then I'll find and be comfortable being with someone who wants instant marriage and kids.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, life is not just about being married & producing kids. Even you know deep in your heart that life is soooooo much more...You can crib as much as you want to but remember you are somewhat in control of your destiny by the choices you MAKE! Stop blaming your parents, society & what not. All of us don't have perfect lives or situations, but giving in is never a solution. If you watched slumdog millioanire, what did you learn? If you haven't watch it? Why are you not doing the AOL course??

I called the lady about AOL course. I was going to take it from 25th, 26th, 27th, 28th, but I don't trust my car enough to drive around. Last week only I had problems with my car. I had to spend money on my car again. So driving 2 hrs/day, I'm not sure girl that my car won't break down again.

[dancing_magpie]

Tinu - I agree with everything you've said:

 

Its not about respecting someone's wishes. Its about being with someone who wants similar things from life at similar times. The guy is ahead of me so he is right in his views. I'm right in my views. Both of us want to get married, but our timeline is different, so we are incompatible.

 

It was merely that I know nothing about this guy except that he is stressing you out with his requests/demands and I know that you didn't need that with all your other stuff going on which is why I was encouraging you to be selfish. Plus, I am of course, biased towards you.

 

But anyway, it seems you've found the answer to your dilemma:

 

Now, these are my choices -

1) If I am panicking about letting a decent guy go, then I need to forget about my views and marry him on his timeline and have a child (which is what most women would do because they don't want to deal with uncertainty.)

If I don't want to do that, -

2) I need to let this opportunity pass and wait to find someone who is in similar phase of life as I'm

3) or who thinks its worth extending his timeline to be with someone like me 4) or I will soon grow up, my education will be over, this phase will pass and I will get into a phase that most men n women in arranged market are in and then I'll find and be comfortable being with someone who wants instant marriage and kids.

 

This is all so true - you want to be with someone who has a similar time frame for such things, or who will be prepared to extend his own time frame or you can just wait until your education is over and then start looking...

 

Like Marshmlofluff, I do wonder whether you should consider widening your pool to include non South Asian men... I have to admit to my own bias here, in that I have never dated SA men and do not plan to. Ever. (Despite being SA myself). However I completely respect your choice if you have a particular preference.

[LAYAAN]

This is all so true - you want to be with someone who has a similar time frame for such things, or who will be prepared to extend his own time frame or you can just wait until your education is over and then start looking.

Like Marshmlofluff, I do wonder whether you should consider widening your pool to include non South Asian men... I have to admit to my own bias here, in that I have never dated SA men and do not plan to. Ever. (Despite being SA myself). However I completely respect your choice if you have a particular preference.

Thanks magpie for your comments and support. Yes, I get it. I should just focus on my education for now. I can't stop panicking though. That's my issue.

Yes, Marsh has suggested that. I understand it. I agree with it to a larger extent. If age wasn't an issue, I really would have dated a non-SA. I'm really concerned about wasting my time with a non-SA (not trying to bash any race here, just have noticed that getting them to marry you is tough. They prefer to date for years and years and may still not marry you.) I am mentally not able to take that risk at this age. I have wasted 3 years dating a dumb SA, then an entire year getting over it and putting myself back together. I can't take it anymore. I am trying to play it safe. Marriage matters to me. I would rather settle for a mediocre SA who is willing to marry me, instead. All I'm looking for is that the guy doesn't push me to have kids right away and doesn't physically/emotionally abuse me. I have no other expectation from my marriage to a SA man.

You may or may not agree with this - I desire to get married (not engaged, not working towards getting married) in a couple of years from now. I'll be completing 32 in a couple of months. That is the reason why I'm considering only SAs for now. If I fail to get hitched in 3 years to a SA, the pool of SAs would have then shrunken considerably for me anyway. Like I said before, fresh meat in their late 20s and early 30s would replace me easily in the arranged market. Then I will have to date non-SAs if I want a guy with some quality and hope that I find someone like Batya found her husband. I have to make the best out of this opportunity that I now have to milk the arranged market. I can't waste my time with a non-SA at this time. If I don't get married in a couple of years to a non-SA, going back to arranged market would not be an option for me. What do I do then?

Hope this makes sense. Feel free to critique my views. I may struggle to learn, but I always am open to learn from others.

[LAYAAN]

So, its been over a month now, I tapered and stopped taking my anti-anxiety pills. It is against medical advice. I dont' care for what my psychiatrist says. I have been on it for almost a year now. I really don't like to be on that pill. My weight increased considerably while I was on it, my sleep pattern got really bad, then I started taking sleep medications and that made me feel dizzy if for some reason I had to get up early and couldn't stay asleep for about 8 hours. Come on, I'm young. I don't have significant problems in my life. Why should I be on those pills?

 

I have made up my mind that I will pray more regularly, read self-help books, exercise, do mood gym, play relaxation music while asleep, relaxation scents this and that, but I do not want to go back on medication. I want to be able to handle this on my own. Yes, when medication was really necessary, I got it, but dealing with weight issues and the way my anxiety came back when I missed a dose, is hopeless. I want to be happy n healthy. Yes, there are challenges in my life, but there is still hope. I am alive and hanging in there.

[LAYAAN]

So, I talked to my mom this morning. She will be going to get my dad from her relative's place (her sister's husband is a physician). We were talking and I told my mom "You should consider selling your property and going to a good old age/retirement home where you will get to do activities, you will be safe and get medical help. It concerns me more that you are living in this big old house and you are worried about your safety. The house isn't built considering your changing needs and can't be easily modified. Who cares mom at this age if you are living in a mansion or not?"

Mom "So, it doesn't matter to you that we will drag ourselves to an old age home instead of staying in our house? I'm glad to hear that today."

Me "What's wrong with that? If I could mom, I would live in a mobile home. Who cares about these things? You live according to your needs. That's all I'm saying. Why is it necessary for you to have a big house at this age? You are worried about the house, taking a bath in the bathroom is challenging. I think, living a healthy, happy, worry-free life at this age is more important mom."

Mom "Its strange to hear you talk like this. You have become too westernized."

Me "Well, you can say that. I call it being practical/objective. Don't blame it on where I live now mom. I was always like that."

 

As the conversation started to get sour, I told her I had to go. Its impossible to tell my parents anything. Something simple and mundane, they get their emotions attached to it and want others to participate in that nonsense too. My relatives and parents have bashed me enough already, now they want to bash me even more to know that I actually want my parents to live in an old age facility instead of living with me or in their old home. Come on.

[penelope13]

I don't have significant problems in my life. Why should I be on those pills?

 

- Not being able to deal with the challenges of your PhD without freaking out

- carrying resentment, bitterness, vicious anger, and desire for revenge to such an extend that it clouds your objectivity

- feeling so much despair that you think the only salvation is getting married no matter to who and under what circumstances ("surrender")

- feeling so much resentment and anger on one side, yet on the other side still require a childlike emotional support from your parents

 

all of these things I would not consider "insignificant problems".

 

It explains why your recent emails have a much more anxious note and why your focus seems to steer off from your PhD.

 

I would highly recommend discussing your feelings and the tapering off with your therapist.

 

You might not like the feeling that you are not in control of your life when you are on meds, but to be honest it doesn't sound that you are in control either way, because your anxiety seems to be the number one ruling factor.

 

About the situation with your parents: (this is only food for thought, I am not making any accusations!) are you sure you made the suggestion about the retirement home because you truly believe it's in their best interest, or because it would relieve you of some of your perceived responsibilities?

 

It's hard to demand objectivity/ practicality from others if one can't deliver it oneself.

 

Self help books, meditation, Mood Gym etc are all excellent tools, nevertheless I do not think they are sufficient in replacing proper counseling.

 

Your fears and feelings that you need to work through are running quite deep. I am doubtful that you have enough strength/objectivity at the moment to see yourself from an outside perspective thus having an outside counsel is really recommendable for you.

[Batya33]

I also would not react well to being told I should live in an "old age home" - there are other alternatives - their current home can be modified to make it safer for them to get around, they can go to a community which is not a nursing home but is tailored to middle aged people who might need some health/medical assistance.

[dancing_magpie]

Out of curiosity Tinu what type of medication are you on - do you know the name? Also what type of 'counselling' are you receiving? I ask because I know anxiety and depression can be difficult to treat. Evidence suggests that medication in combination with cognitive behavioural therapy works better than either alone. You should discuss what you have done with your doctor, just so that he knows. You musn't worry as he can't force you to take anything. He may be able to switch you to an alternative that suits you better.

[dancing_magpie]

I'm not sure the panicking surrounding marriage will ever go away - you've just got to learn to live with it until it happens, just try not to let it drive you nuts in the meantime!!

 

Easier said than done – I know because I can be the exact same. I believed by this age (I’m 30 next month) I would have everything sorted in life re jobs, marriage, kids etc and that's not the case at all. All of my friends are settling down/settled, have good jobs, houses, some even have kids whereas I went back to Uni and feel like I reversed my life by about 10yrs - only sadly my age didn't reverse too!! So yes, I understand the constant anxiety and worry which I also believe is amplified by being SA...

 

As for the other stuff, I think you make valid points however you yourself ended up dating a SA man for 3 yrs without anything coming from it, so it can happen in any group – maybe it’s just men in general, eh? ;-P

 

Ultimately whether you are looking for a SA or non-SA partner, you need to find someone that thinks like you do and wants the same things out of life. That’s the hard part whatever group you are looking in.

 

My reason for choosing non-SAs is because I have my own crazy SA family to deal with and everything that comes with that, so I have no desire to deal with anyone else’s crazy SA family and all their expectations too. I realise though that any potential non-SA in-laws may be just as crazy as my own family in their own way.

 

Why do you think you wouldn’t be able to go to the arranged marriage scene if you’d been away from it for a while? I don’t think that’s necessarily true at all.

[marshmlofluff]

Easier said than done – I know because I can be the exact same. I believed by this age (I’m 30 next month) I would have everything sorted in life re jobs, marriage, kids etc and that's not the case at all. All of my friends are settling down/settled, have good jobs, houses, some even have kids whereas I went back to Uni and feel like I reversed my life by about 10yrs - only sadly my age didn't reverse too!! So yes, I understand the constant anxiety and worry which I also believe is amplified by being SA...

 

I feel it too, by the way. I'm 31. I don't think I generally have problems with anxiety, but I often go through the exact same thought process as Tinu, just I hide it better. Unlike her, I care less about being lonely (I am fine on my own) and more about whether I will be able to start a family. I would very much like two kids, and although alarm bells are not going off yet, I do feel that my eye now needs to be on my personal life as opposed to my career.

 

Nonetheless I would like to think that my general anxiety in this area has not affected my interactions with any particular men. I am perfectly willing to walk from a bad relationship, no matter what.

 

As for the other stuff, I think you make valid points however you yourself ended up dating a SA man for 3 yrs without anything coming from it, so it can happen in any group – maybe it’s just men in general, eh? ;-P

 

I was going to say the same. The guy who jerked me around the longest (4.5 years) was South Asian. Most of the other men I have dated (SA or not), I or they knew after about six months that it wasn't going to work. Maybe we kept things going longer than we ought, but six months in, the handwriting was always on the wall.

 

My reason for choosing non-SAs is because I have my own crazy SA family to deal with and everything that comes with that, so I have no desire to deal with anyone else’s crazy SA family and all their expectations too. I realise though that any potential non-SA in-laws may be just as crazy as my own family in their own way.

 

My reason is somewhat different. I have no problem with SA men, but I do not seem to appeal to them at all--whereas I seem to really appeal to some non-SA guys. I guess because Indian culture is more traditional, SA men, in general, do not really value the specific things I have to offer.

 

Typically after many experiences, I will tell you that the Indian ones feel I am not Indian enough, and the American-born ones feel I am too Indian. But all of them, on the whole, generally seem to prefer someone who took a more conventional career path; Indian culture values pragmatism and people seem to look for either a high earner or a housewife. I had an (Indian-born) guy tell my uncle that explicitly, before he knew he was talking to my uncle--"oh, one girl's family was interested in me, but she'd studied too much; she was getting a PhD. Even her dad had a PhD. So I wasn't interested." My uncle, of course, was horrified. I have many, many other such stories.

 

Many non-SA men are just as closed-minded. The mitigating factor is that there are a lot more men in the US than SA men. Once I lifted all restrictions on ethnicity, etc., I reduced the problem of trying to find one whose outlook was compatible with mine to finding a needle in a haystack, versus finding a needle in outer space.

 

Should things not work out with the present BF (though I hope they do; he's a great guy) I am still completely open to a SA man should a compatible one come along. However, I stopped focusing my search in that direction about three years ago.

 

Why do you think you wouldn’t be able to go to the arranged marriage scene if you’d been away from it for a while? I don’t think that’s necessarily true at all.

 

Agreed. The pool does go down--but if you have no restrictions on caste/etc. it is definitely possible to meet someone on the arranged market at a later age. My cousin just met someone (she was 39) and they were married the next week. She is quite happy.

[LAYAAN]

Magpie, Lexapro 10mg/day.

[LAYAAN]

Penny,

I was just about to feel happy about not being on those pills and you threw it right in my face about my inadequacies and challenges.

Come on, don't tell me not to hold resentment after being asked nonsensical Qs that you would not dare to ask someone you are considering for a romantic relationship.

[penelope13]

Come on, don't tell me not to hold resentment after being asked nonsensical Qs that you would not dare to ask someone you are considering for a romantic relationship.

 

I never said that you are inadequat. But I believe in being honest about ones situation to be a necessary requirement if one wants to make a change.

 

In the quote above, I think there is one of the route causes for some of your problems: yes you want a romantic relationship. Fair enough. We all want that. But you chose a path to accomplish that that has not the highest chance for that particular out come: arranged marriage. While many couples are happy who have met each other through the arranged marriage route, I assume they were very realistic about the process itself not being romantic and the romance came once they started to get to know each other.

 

However you are getting upset about something that is an intrinsic/ integral part of the process: "the interview phase". A quick checking off the list of characters and other circumstances that every particular person deems necessary for them to decide if they want to pursue a future with the person in question or not.

 

Of course I would find it strange if some guy would ask me on a first date about my financial situation, but then again I don't expect him either to tell me within a few weeks that he wants to marry me.

 

The premises for the arranged market and open dating are just very different. You can't go in with one set of mind and then be upset that everyone else has a different set of mind, if that is part of the process that you chose.

 

You want romance? Then chose a path that will be more likely to lead to romance.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Penny. You are absolutely right! I put myself in this situation and I'm fighting with it now. That has led to anger, bitterness, frustration, resentment which is really unnecessary for this process. This did me no good. I made a mistake. I can't blame these men for behaving a certain way. I gave them right to interview me by volunteering to go through this process. You are right. I never thought that arranged marriage was not about love. I was too naive to look for romance and companionship in arranged market. Why am I blaming others?

[LAYAAN]

So I joined AOL course near UCI, 2/4 days are already over. We are a group of 10 people out of which 4 are Indians and the others are non-Indians. The teacher is a good woman. She conducts this course at her house. Because it was too much for me to drive from my place to UCI, she asked me to spend Friday night at her place instead of driving for 3 hours. That was really kind of her.

 

Friday 3 hours, - learned 2 simple breathing techniques. 1) yogic breath 2) uchai breath (didn't get the name right), did 25 minutes of meditation, learned to do pranayama 3 steps

We had to answer a few Qs -

- What is 1 thing you want your God to give you?

- What do you intend to get from this course?

- What are the challenges you are struggling with?

 

Saturday 6 hours - learned sudarshan kriya, principles of life and mind.

We had to answer a few Qs -

- What do you need to be happy?

- When will you be happy?

- What are you responsible for?

- What do you not take responsibility for?

[LAYAAN]

I also would not react well to being told I should live in an "old age home" - there are other alternatives - their current home can be modified to make it safer for them to get around, they can go to a community which is not a nursing home but is tailored to middle aged people who might need some health/medical assistance.

About the situation with your parents: (this is only food for thought, I am not making any accusations!) are you sure you made the suggestion about the retirement home because you truly believe it's in their best interest, or because it would relieve you of some of your perceived responsibilities?

It's hard to demand objectivity/ practicality from others if one can't deliver it oneself.

Right, by old age home, I didn't mean strictly nursing home, a facility which is 1 step above their current living conditions and a step down nursing home, sorta assisted living or something. I used old age home as a generic term.

Penny, yes, I made that suggestion because I truly believe its in their best interest. I currently am not involved in care-taking role either. Honestly, I may or I may never. Their dream was to get me married to a man in their city, so I can be around my parents all the time. I asked my parents - 1) Is it really achievable? (I stood in arranged market for 10 years with no success.) 2) Even if I marry someone who is in the same city today what are the chances that he will live in the same city forever? (impossible, you move where jobs/opportunities are.) Even if I lived in north or south India, flying back to their place will take 4-6 hours. I will have my own life (whether married or not) and visiting them often won't be possible. So, for them to tell someone to stay in their city for their sake is very selfish. I told them that their "dream" is unrealistic.

I am responsible for my future. If I don't get my life in order, my parents not going to feel a thing. I would resent myself if I stayed around my parents hoping that I had broken free from that bondage. Honestly, no matter how this situation turns out, I'm happy that I gave myself an opportunity to try to reach for my dream. I have never regretted this decision to come to USA for studies on my own. Sure, it has been challenging and I wish things were different, but it gave me an opportunity to grow up. I mean it with a sincere heart.

Honestly, even if I had not come to USA, I would have stayed away from my parents, for schooling or work. There was too much togetherness at that point. I was living in their home by their rules. I really wanted to get out, explore life on my own and not be controlled every single minute by my mom. My mom has a toxic, negative personality. She can literally drag a person down. She is not a very positive and supportive woman. Trust me, that's why my dad stayed away from her. And there comes a point in a child's life when they have to get out of the nest. Its better for both, the child and parents.

I have lived in their house. I know how old it is and how my mom constantly nagged for simple modifications in that home, but never got it. The reason why I suggested that they went to an old age home is because I know what a wuss and incapable person my dad is. He will never get the modifications done. My mom wont' stop asking him for money to get the work done. Its a never-ending issue. I see no point in letting an old house control your lives to this extent. Its madness! Get out of that huge house, you don't need that at this age. You have money, go somewhere else, live in a small nice place, closer to hospital or somewhere you can find medical attention quickly. What is bad about my suggestion? Listen, I told my parents that because they need to change their mindset of "Poor us, we have noone to look after us." I have a distant uncle and aunt and a family friend in the same city, their kids are not in India, they live such a good life. Why can't my parents learn from that experience? My mom is just too needy. I have always seen her that way. She clinged on to her relatives, those idiot sisters of her. She doesn't understand that she has everything she needs right there in that city. Most importantly, she has enough money to hire help. Its a huge plus in India. I'm tired of her victim mentality. Honestly, I don't want to live closer to my parents. They nag me, control me, my mom ridicules me (I've shared my experiences with you), who wants that? I will pay for their care, but I don't want to stay closer to them. And hey by the way, I was told that I was a burden on them anyways. I was told that my mom stayed in marriage because of me. My mom complained that she had to cook for me and my dad and how she hated it.

The only reason why I opened my mouth is because they expect me to come back and take care of the nonsense that they created. I didn't talk until then. If your actions affect me, I will talk. All I'm saying is "Do what is in best interest of you. Be practical about that old house. Cut the clutter out of your life. Enjoy your life for a while. All your life you wasted fighting with each other, clinging on to your relatives, asking for favors from them, returning those favors to them. When are you going to break free?" Its madness! I can't imagine going back to India and living my life like they want me to and that's why I'm willing to surrender to any man here. Because its same pain whichever way you go. Here I will get married, get a green card. There I'll only get to hear "You are a bad, irresponsible child. You are a loser. You bring us shame." The moment I go back to India, my body will get married to someone. The whole family will give their unwanted opinion on the guy. My mom will as usual go to her relatives and cry about everything I say or do. Sheesh! I might as well marry an old hag here instead! or kill myself. I have no desire to go through that experience.

[Pkittie]

Tinu, focus on the AOL course...You will experience a lot of peace within...

[LAYAAN]

Most likely, I will have to send this message to the guy discussed in post # 175.

I asked my mom about him (which is my mistake) and she started panicking and called his mom asking her if her son was still unmarried. I yelled at my mom for doing something that I had never asked her to do and complicating the situation unnecessarily. Now, she sent me an email "this is his email, send him a message. Give this man a chance. You don't have anyone else salivating at the thought of marrying you either. You should give a chance to someone who is coming back repeatedly."

 

I am thinking of emailing him and putting an end to this circus. My mom knows his mom personally. The marriage beuraue lady (that is run privately) knows both my mom and his mom. That really complicates the situation. I can't do what I want because I don't want my mom and myself to face the consequences (getting bad mouthed about).

 

Hello M, as you must be aware, recently your mom called my mom and I am asked to email you. It was also shared with me that you were really looking to marry a beautiful engineer girl and didn't think I was suitable for obvious reasons then. We have talked a couple of times, I sense that you are not completely there. Are you sure, you are not forcing yourself? I can't advice you on how to run your life. But I don't want to be with someone who is not happy with what I'm. Successful and happy married life at times is a challenging road even for dedicated partners. You can only imagine the damage that awaits when a relationship starts with doubts and half-hearted efforts. I sincerely wish you best.

[annie24]

this is the guy, right tinu? i don't get why your mother, his mother, and this bureau lady are all so involved. if he is so interested, why doesn't he just give you a call and arrange to meet?

[annie24]

Hello M, as you must be aware, recently your mom called my mom and I am asked to email you. It was also shared with me that you were really looking to marry a beautiful engineer girl and didn't think I was suitable for obvious reasons then. We have talked a couple of times, I sense that you are not completely there. Are you sure, you are not forcing yourself? I can't advice you on how to run your life. But I don't want to be with someone who is not happy with what I'm. Successful and happy married life at times is a challenging road even for dedicated partners. You can only imagine the damage that awaits when a relationship starts with doubts and half-hearted efforts. I sincerely wish you best.

 

tinu - please, this is an awful email. i am serious. don't send it. you're putting yourself down, you're putting him down, and you sound really jaded bitter and angry.

 

if you must email him (which I don't think you should) but you can always say hello and ask how his summer is going.

 

personally, i think it's ridiculous that you have your mom in india in this mess. you aren't even that close to her, and you're letting someone who is a world away tell you to email some guy you spoke to a few times and didn't sound very interested. i mean, this is a trainwreck. i hope you see that.

[penelope13]

I agree, if the purpose of the email is not to get bad mouthed for not contacting him, you will not accomplish that, since this email is really passive aggressive and you paint a terrible picture of yourself.