Ladies: If your partner is too nice, does that turn you off sexually?

[pinkelephant]

I've heard some girls say that if their boyfriends are pushovers, they lose sexual attraction to their partners.

 

If your b/f is very clingy, affectionate, or flat-out caters to your every whim, does that turn off the arousal switch in you?

 

Also, what do you make of makeup sex?

 

If a guy holds his ground and shows some backbone, does that make you more inclined to get intimate with him?

 

I'm curious as to what you ladies think.

 

Of course, I'm attracted to someone with confidence. It's not too "nice". That's the wrong word to use. I get turned ON by nice guys. It's the ones with no self-esteem/passive-aggressive guys that turn me off.

[CBG]

Of course, I'm attracted to someone with confidence. It's not too "nice". That's the wrong word to use. I get turned ON by nice guys. It's the ones with no self-esteem/passive-aggressive guys that turn me off.

Exactly. There is a difference between being nice and being a wuss. You can be nice and still have confidence and strong.

[oldenoughtoknow]

I think a lot of this thread circles around the issue of attachment. The four groups are secure, preoccupied, avoidant and fearful. There's usually much less strife in relationships where people are matched in their style of attachment.

 

Clingy people fall into the preoccupied category. If they fall for someone that is avoidant or fearful (both categories are not comfortable letting people in, and include commitment phobes) you can see you will have a real mess on your hands. But what if two clingy people got together? They could each be happy clinging to the other and finally not having the other person want to push away.

 

I'm not going to say that attachment theory will solve all of the world's relationship problems, but being aware of it is the first step in using it effectively. It's explained a lot about my past relationships. It gives you one more tool to scrutinize a potential romantic interest. And to the one poster, yes, with more information and knowledge, seemingly simple things do become complicated. Why, I remember way back when, the first pick up hurdle was asking "so, what's your sign?"

 

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[JusticeLaw9]

It's a vice versa for me.

 

Because I don't like dealing with women like that. Women who think that they're just going to take a backseat in the relationship and just let me do all the work. To me, I personally think that is a sign of weakness also and I get turned of by it as well.

 

I just don't see what's so appealing about that. I think most guys tend to like a woman who will let them run the show and that women prefer it because they don't have to think, only make decisions about whether they choose to go along with it or not. But to me, that's not really playing a significant role in the relationship because you aren't doing anything. You're just being a tag-a-long and not putting forth any kind of work. It's laziness to me.

[greywolf]

This thread is very much indicative of the endless and silly games which abound in the modern 'dating scene'. Our generation is truly damned. People just liking each other and enjoying each other's company is far too simple I suppose...

 

It could be that simple. We're talking about men that are too clingy, needy, and are basically doormats. I honestly don't understand why men can't grasp this concept. I often hear men talk about how their gf calls too much, wants to spend a lot of time with them, doesn't want to let them hang out with 'the guys'. How many men like putting up with that?

 

There's nothing wrong with nice guys. In fact, I like them. But when a guy is a pushover, never has an opinion on anything, has no personality (because he only lives to please you), and clings and clings because he's afraid to stand on his own two feet, then who wants to be with that? Who wants to be with someone that isn't whole? I'm not just talking about men. This applies to women just as much.

 

Also, people that cling are full of insecurities. They become afraid whenever their partner expresses independence from them because clingers want full dependence on each other. What's ironic is that clingers usually go after people that easily feel smothered.

[EternalSingle]

Every human being is insecure. Every single one of them.

[greywolf]

Every human being is insecure. Every single one of them.

 

Of course, and some more than others. I believe there is no love in insecurity. Insecurity and neediness are about the self, about wanting to receive. Love is about giving. A person who is constantly insecure cannot love.

[EternalSingle]

Of course, and some more than others. I believe there is no love in insecurity. Insecurity and neediness are about the self, about wanting to receive. Love is about giving. A person who is constantly insecure cannot love.

 

Well, you must be superhuman indeed to be wo wholly bereft of any insecurity and neediness.

 

As boldy as you make your statements one could well assume that you are an incredibly happy person.

 

Is this true?

[greywolf]

Well, you must be superhuman indeed to be wo wholly bereft of any insecurity and neediness.

 

As boldy as you make your statements one could well assume that you are an incredibly happy person.

 

Is this true?

 

I never said that I was never needy or insecure at times. In fact, I agreed with your previous post. I was just trying to point out that some are more insecure than others.

 

I would say that overall I am happy.

[Joshb]

I think clingy to a point is bad. but there are many shades of clingy. To someone being "too touchy feely" can be seen clingy to someone, to others that fits well with there personality as well. Some people seeing a lot of affection as clingy..personally i dont, which is why im not with someone who thinks like that. I would prefer someone who is affectionate over ALOOF any day, works best for how i am.

Now if this person is obsessed and doesnt let you do your own thing outside the relationship, yes this is a problem. But then again so is someone who iisnt very affectionate and distant wants too much space is a problem in my eyes. But i do think people need to stop bashing people who enjoy there partners company and tell them to fix themselves. If you think your partner is clingy maybe your the problem your too aloof or just not in love with them, or simply you two just dont mix. Wanting to be with your partner often or be affectionate to me shouldnt be a problem, so if it is maybe your the problem lol

 

* but yes you should not be a doormat in a relationship, you can be a "nice guy" but dont make anyone the center of your universe, standing on your feet is essential in and out of a relationship. Basically you have to find someone whos on or close to your page otherwise it wont be balanced.

[YakasJourney]

I don't think being "clingy" is necessarily a result of insecurity. It's just a difference in how much affection we need. And typically that is a lot, for most people. Think about it, if you are in a relationship and you detect the slightest decline of affection, you can feel it. We become accustomed to the level of affection and attention we need. There is nothing wrong with liking or wanting a lot of affection.

[dr_styles]

Do I think being the nice guy is a sexual turn off to girls? Yes I would say so. Something I will use as the "default" for most people anyway till the individual shows otherwise. I mean the whole bad boy/throwing-around-the-bed or whatever stereotype isn't unheard of. What's worse is that a lot of the "nice guys" probably could or would do that too but they never get the chance.

 

As for the clingy/boundaries thing. I also "don't get it". I am very accommodating, because I am organised and flexible. When you start making me compromise then I am VERY stubborn, but it doesn't often get to that point. Take food for example, I'm too nice because I want to let the pickier eater decide what to eat when I'll eat pretty much anything? (this isn't just with girls either, just that guys don't care, there's nothing to lose). The one about the girls hanging with guys is another one. Like if I ever met someone who liked going out to bars/clubs which is still a likely chance in my age, IF I meet anyone ](*,) , I definitely would not stop them doing what they want to do. Would I be suss and all that, sure, but I won't stop them. They can do what they want ... just don't expect me to stick around if you think it's a free pass to mess around. Although as the theme of this thread, they'll probably leave first anyway

[stingray]

i agree! You just cant win!! Maybe woman just have to high of expectations they want something, get it, then they dont like it. Enjoy what you got, if you got a good man dont complain.

Screw women! Just be who you are, that's what makes you a strong man. I have really really grown to hate women who put down their feet on the throat of the nice guy. They can go have abusive relationships with aggressive morons, this is no longer my concern. Those guys can never give the affection and love I can give. Those women will just be looking back 15 years from now and regret that they never gave me a chance.

[Alexander DeLarge]

Ok this post got me worried that I'm the "clingy" "pushover" type. Can you continue to define this boundary so I can see if I need to work on it? Darnit, I'm being clingy right now because I'm giving into your wants of being "not-clingy" therefore I'm being a pushover right now. Oh god it's too hard.

[NightLily]

Ok this post got me worried that I'm the "clingy" "pushover" type. Can you continue to define this boundary so I can see if I need to work on it? Darnit, I'm being clingy right now because I'm giving into your wants of being "not-clingy" therefore I'm being a pushover right now. Oh god it's too hard.

 

Just don't overthink it. Be yourself.

 

The reason genuine clinginess is a problem for me is because one, it is far too over controlling and I do think that can be a sign of a relationship that could turn abusive.

 

If you are curious what I define as too clingy, I already said what I defined it as in this thread.

[HeartBrokn]

This is why I am becoming a monk and embracing Celibacy (jk). Seriously though what gene makes women crazy like this? They like a jerk but he’s got to be nice, they want someone not to be a pushover but oh man you best not be controlling. I mean pick a damn lane and stick to it. I know there is a good balance to how a person should be but seriously common I am losing my mind here

[stingray]

This is why I am becoming a monk and embracing Celibacy (jk). Seriously though what gene makes women crazy like this? They like a jerk but he’s got to be nice, they want someone not to be a pushover but oh man you best not be controlling. I mean pick a damn lane and stick to it. I know there is a good balance to how a person should be but seriously common I am losing my mind here

We should make it equally distressing for women by being stubborn. Like me, I am like a tree, I won't budge an inch. LMFAO nevermind, when it comes to a girl I like then my corners get rounded.

 

On a serious note though, I am done with trying to conform. I am fine with who I am, the jerks are the ones who have to put up a front because they are uncomfortable. And the women who go for them are trying to fill a big gaping hole. Sorry, but I am not interested!

[HeartBrokn]

We should make it equally distressing for women by being stubborn. Like me, I am like a tree, I won't budge an inch. LMFAO nevermind, when it comes to a girl I like then my corners get rounded.

 

On a serious note though, I am done with trying to conform. I am fine with who I am, the jerks are the ones who have to put up a front because they are uncomfortable. And the women who go for them are trying to fill a big gaping hole. Sorry, but I am not interested!

 

No brother you got a great point, it's a mind **** just to be normal around that. I mean it's hard enough to be yourself but it's another to try to figure out what and how you need to say things to appear more macho or sensitive at the same time. I guess we should internalize all of our pain like our dads did back in da day. Yeah hun everything is ok, I am strong I am a maan oh and here are your flowers just because it's you my bookie bear.

 

The problem with conforming which I have done in the past, is after you get into a long term relationship then the outer facade melts away and you become yourself again and oh my you are in trouble then.

[stingray]

No brother you got a great point, it's a mind **** just to be normal around that. I mean it's hard enough to be yourself but it's another to try to figure out what and how you need to say things to appear more macho or sensitive at the same time. I guess we should internalize all of our pain like our dads did back in da day. Yeah hun everything is ok, I am strong I am a maan oh and here are your flowers just because it's you my bookie bear.

 

The problem with conforming which I have done in the past, is after you get into a long term relationship then the outer facade melts away and you become yourself again and oh my you are in trouble then.

Exactly! I think women highly underestimate the nice guy and mistake his patience for weakness and are quick to label him a doormatt. Seriously, no guy, not even the nicest guy in the world will take a girls crap forever. He will eventually stand up, it's just a matter of when.

 

It's sad though that people can't be themselves otherwise, they get written off. Talk about killing individuality and making this world a worse place. Where nice people lose and jerks win?

[RunDMC]

Do I think being the nice guy is a sexual turn off to girls? Yes I would say so. Something I will use as the "default" for most people anyway till the individual shows otherwise. I mean the whole bad boy/throwing-around-the-bed or whatever stereotype isn't unheard of. What's worse is that a lot of the "nice guys" probably could or would do that too but they never get the chance.

 

Not all women want to be roughed up in bed all the time. Depends on the girl and the mood and setting. Sometimes she will want gentler, more affectionate sex; other times hard and rough; other times creative and kinky. You have to be good enough to be flexible and adapt. Has nothing to do with being a "nice" guy or a "bad" boy. Some bad boys suck in bed and some nice guys are great. You really gotta get off all this label and stereotype garbage. Every person is different.