Life before, now and after

[Dusk Till Dawn]

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER 2010 Started last night. I love that show, shame it is the last one ever.

 

I completed my study tasks last night, and tonight I will study more. I wanna have as much done before thursday as I can.

 

Today I used link removed for the first time, amazing to see the comparisons. I usually shop in Asda, but Sainsbury was £7.00 cheaper and right now every penny counts. So I shopped there instead : ). I bought some ingredients to make some soup. Butternut squash and tomato soup to be exact. Haven't made this one before. So we will see how it turns out.

 

I am gonna phone M's mom tomorrow evening, see if M is back at base yet. (The soldiers have been out in nature the last couple of days). I miss him more every day.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

CELEBRITY BIG BROTHER 2010 Started last night. I love that show, shame it is the last one ever.

 

I completed my study tasks last night, and tonight I will study more. I wanna have as much done before thursday as I can.

 

Today I used link removed for the first time, amazing to see the comparisons. I usually shop in Asda, but Sainsbury was £7.00 cheaper and right now every penny counts. So I shopped there instead : ). I bought some ingredients to make some soup. Butternut squash and tomato soup to be exact. Haven't made this one before. So we will see how it turns out.

 

I am gonna phone M's mom tomorrow evening, see if M is back at base yet. (The soldiers have been out in nature the last couple of days). I miss him more every day.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Gah snow still around, I was happy to see the snow this year and have a white christmas, but it has been here for weeks and more fell between last night and today. Temperatures are freezing here, the sun has a cheek to shine lol.

 

I phoned M's mom like I planned, she said he didn't call. I will call on friday surely there will be an update, if he isn't home by then. I was thinking about him and I felt sick when I thought "what if all that is true", what I think is happening there. (Sorry but it is too personal to go into details here). Still though I love him with all my heart and hope to god everything will be fine.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

M came home from bootcamp for the last time on thursday, was a nice surprise because I expected him home friday or later. We have talked a lot about how I am feeling. He reassures me that I have nothing to worry about, but my anxiety doesn't let me believe him 100%. I try to rationalise my thoughts and sometimes it works like now for instance. But my feelings and thinking keeps changing. I have to stay positive, and think no he wouldn't hurt me. It sucks though to have doubts and the distance obv doesn't help. On monday he will go to a military base near home and be told what city he will work in for the next few months. I hope and pray it will be Isfahan, for many reasons.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

M had to go to a military base in Isfahan this morning, to find out where he will be sent to work. When he came back home he said, it is supposed to be Isfahan or just outside. He said they (the soldiers) have to go back on sunday, to find out exactly where and what his job status will be. I hope that this will be the case, I can't stand the thought of him going back to Tehran.

 

I joined up to dailystrength dot com, it is so amazing to see so many people with exactly the same issues as me. I have been trying to think positive and when I feel a threat in anyway, M has been good at helping me. I want us to build up our friendship as well, it is important to be best friends with your partner imo.

 

I can't wait to go to visit him, I hope his dad is still there when I arrive. It will be exciting to meet him for the first time...66 days left.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

We have been constantly bickering the last couple of days, it is so hard to break the cycle. I don't feel happy, I feel he constantly does something to hurt or bother me, and what's worse is, most of the time, he doesn't seem to care. The only thing he cares about is the fact that I don't accept the hurt, he doesn't like that I make my feelings clear....Okay sometimes I could say things in a better way, but if he looked after his relationship better, then we wouldn't be in this situation. I don't hold much hope for our long term future. Maybe this is a temporary feeling that will pass, but right now it is how I feel. Don't get me wrong I love him to pieces and always will.

 

Tomorrow he has to go back to the base he was at last week. He is supposed to be informed of exactly where his place of work will be and what position he will hold. Will be interesting to find out how he will live his life for the next few months.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I haven't updated this for ages, didn't really want to as I have had nothing positive to post, I still don't but this journal is for my benefit, so it shouldn't really matter should it.

 

Well, now M is out of basic training, I wish he was back, sounds twisted but it's not. I realise I felt safer when he was there. I missed him, but my anxiety's were controlled. I knew he couldn't do anything to hurt me, now he has completed it, I wish I could say we were stronger than before because of the space we had, but it is quite the opposite.

 

My mental health issues are really breaking us apart, every day I accuse him, every day I get scared and insecure and every day I cry at least once and sometimes uncontrollably. I throw things in his face, I pick on him for the smallest things, I am destroying us and I know it. But I truley believe in this warped mind of mine that he is being disloyal and unfaithful. I can't move past the small issues that we have had before, they are magnified and everyone is a threat to me. Writing this I know I sound ridiculous, yet I know that I have an illness and shouldn't be too hard on myself. I feel sorry for him though because he shouldn't need to live in this kind of relationship. I don't know why he doesn't walk, I probably would if I was him. The sick part of my mind thinks he stays and tolerates it because he knows inside that I am right. I don't even know if my feelings are right. Even if he was betraying me, I shouldn't has these obsessive thoughts of is he isn't he. If only my life was that easy, if only I could think positive, live everyday for that day and not worry. How can some people do it but some can't. I believe in GOD but I often wonder why he allows us to have these burdens in our life, yet others have it so easy. I don't mean to sound selfish because I know, there are so many people who have it worse than me. I just feel sorry for myself and sorry for my relationship.

 

I pray one day I will find a way, I pray that GOD will help me through these dark days and show me the light at the other side.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I just re-read my last post, I am glad things have improved slightly since then. Since Feb 5th I have been back on anti-depressants. It's only been 3 weeks and can take around 6 weeks to feel the full effect, maybe more. But I have noticed a difference the depressive feelings have lifted and the anxiety has went down a bit. M and I haven't argued in over a week and that is a record. He was working 2 of those days and we didn't talk but when he came back on Wednesday I made it clear I wasn't going to accept the way he was talking to me anymore. (Yes believe it or not it hasn't been all me). I have also been behaving better and I believe it is thanks to the meds. I don't want to tempt fate but I think the atmosphere between us has improved recently.

I made a conscious decision to sit on my feelings, meaning to accept what I can't control and to accept if he is cheating on me I can't stop it neither can I prove it but if I get any clear evidence about it I will leave him.

For a while I was telling myself I still believe he is cheating but I am not going to panic over it. Now I try to avoid that statement but keep the saying I can't control what he does so there is no point panicking.

I wanted this inner peace not just for my relationship with M, but for me also. I hope it lasts and I hope I keep taking my meds and not slip up like last time (when the pack finished I didn't bother getting more).

 

Other news in my life I started a part time job waitressing in a Egyptian restaurant, I love it I just don't like waking early to go lol. I don't know if I said before that I dropped out of college again, but I did. Not many people know as I have been too embarrassed to tell them because I don't want them looking at it like I have failed. In some ways I feel I have and in other ways I know it was down to my illness. I will go back to college, I am just not sure when!

 

M was telling me his mom plans to come over in the summer and also to go to Germany to visit her other son. I would love to have her here in my home. I also have the trip to Iran coming up. I had originally planned to go for the (Persian) new year in march but now it will some time in April, not sure yet of the exact date. I am disappointed though because had I got to go for the new year I would have met his Father for the first time, but he will be gone by the time I arrive.......although I got to meet him on messenger the other day and have a video call with him, which was really nice.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Have been weepy and clingy since Friday, at first I thought it was the meds dipping, but now I realise my monthly's are due so could be that. In fact I hope it is that. My meds have helped so much, I would hate to think they could stop, my GP said that the meds won't turn you into a constantly happy zombie there will be times where I have low days. Over the weekend I have been crying a lot out of missing M, April seems like an eternity away even though it is only over a month till I go visit him.

 

We are getting a new kitchen soon so the surveyors were in today, taking pics and drawing up a plan of how it will look. I choose the colors and designs but it may change depending on what M thinks. It is important to get his opinion since he will hopefully be here next year inshallah. There are belly dancing classes in my work tonight, so I might go and take a look.

 

M is on guard duty tonight so will talk to him tomorrow.. Kheyli duset daram M.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I don't post here as much these days, but I am still glad I can come and share my thoughts.

The easter bunny visited our house last night, so the kids woke up to lots of chocolate eggs. This will be the last year probably that K will believe in the easter bunny.

 

I still haven't bought the tickets for Iran yet, it keeps getting pushed back. The only problem with this though, is the visa's expire on the 27th May. So I am thinking we will have too apply for a visa extension while we are there.

It has been nearly 9 months since M and I have been together and longer since the kids have saw him, so we are really looking forward to this trip and spending time with his family.

 

I am intending to buy a car the end of June, it is about time since I have had my drivers license since 29th January 2008. If M's mom comes over it will benefit us when we are taking her on trips. I have been de-cluttering like crazy trying to get the house in some sort of order. It really needs doing, plus I want A to feel comfy and at home when she comes.

 

M is on guard duty again tonight and will come home tomorrow. I always miss him so much when he isn't home, but I should think myself lucky it is only a day or two. It could be worse like when he was in the barracks.

I love him with all my heart and can't wait till we become legally married, although I love being his siegh. I mentioned the other day that I want us to get married in a castle in Scotland. M was happy with that idea and asked if I could email him some places I like, which I will do.

 

The kids are away to there fathers and I will just chill. They will be off on holiday until the 19th which is nice because I can have long lies lol.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

So we broke up the other day, well he did. It has been not working for a long time I know that it takes two too make or break a relationship and we both pretty much destroyed what we have/had. Still though it doesn't seem final since I am supposed to still be going there the end of this month. I say supposed to because it looks unlikely that the 3 of us will go. I have screwed most of the money I had to buy our tickets, with my obsessive calling. I dunno what is gonna happen.

 

My mom is f**king with my head too, all she does is try to bring me down to her level. I haven't wrote about her so far and I don't intend to make a habit of it. But she is seriously f**ked up mentally, it is clear to see where I get my mental issues from. Although mine are only half as bad, thankfully I am not as whacky as her.

 

Still it is getting to me having these relationship problems all at once, and the feeling of isolation is overwhelming.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

This ash problem seems to be back, I hope it doesn't get worse. I am aiming to go to iran on the 20th of this month. I should be going with the kids but I am £200 short so far, if we can't all go there is still a possibility I will go myself but would only stay 2 weeks instead of 4. Either way I still have to apply for a visa extension once I/we are there.

 

I have started getting my male friends back in my life. People who were friends before M and I, who I gave up for my relationship, I shouldn't have because he didn't give up his female friends (and I didn't ask him) who he occasionally socializes with. Regardless even if we hadn't broken up I had told him this was my plan.

 

So why am I still going to iran? if we are not together..well I want to go put simply and he wants us there. I am hoping we can have some kinda reconciliation while I am there, and try to salvage our relationship. It has been 10 months, I miss him, I miss his family and I miss his friends.

 

We have waited nearly 3 years and I don't want to give that up especially since we have only 1 more year left of LD. I love him for better and for worse, and I won't give us up without a fight.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Things have creeped back to normal, as if nothing happened, whether that is a good thing or not I haven't decided!

Yesterday I FINALLY!! booked and paid for our tickets to Iran and then had to book bus tickets to London as we will fly from there. I wanted to get a bus direct into Heathrow airport as it would be much easier with luggage etc, but I couldn't so it will be London Victoria, and then the underground to terminal 3.

We will leave on Wednesday night and take the coach arriving on Thursday morning and from there we will make our way to the airport. I don't feel as excited as I thought I would, because it doesn't feel real yet. Although I am dying to see him

I have so much to do still and need to pack our cases. Still I want the next 5 days to come quick.

I think when I am there I am gonna come online and have M post some entries here. Which will be nice, then I can read them when I am back home.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

3 Months have passed since my last post and I am sad to say our trip had to be cancelled at the last minute, due to a mistake on my part.

It was the night before we were due to travel to London and I remembered my passport was slightly peeling. This hadn't been a problem twice before when travelling but arriving home in heathrow July 2009 I was made aware of it by passport control. So thinking this could pose a problem for me I decided gluing the corners would solve the problem ...I did... and the glue came through leaving a round gray stain underneath the photo : ( - I panicked and instantly knew I wouldn't be able to travel with it, I still held a little hope and took it to the passport office in Glasgow. I thought if they say it should be okay I will attempt to fly but if they say there isn't hope I will stay home. As soon as I showed the woman behind the counter she told me that it had been glued without me even opening my mouth. She continued to say that the passport isn't flyable and if I tried to use it, it would be at my own risk. I asked her to elaborate and she said I could go to heathrow and be allowed to board but when I arrive in Iran I may be turned away.

I decided with M it was too much of a risk especially since I was travelling with my children. I cancelled the flights with the travel agency and one month later was given a refund minus charges.

 

I had hoped to travel this month for his birthday but due to finances it won't be possible. Plus I still haven't applied for my new passport, I will do this next week some time.

If everything goes as planned and we receive more visas then maybe we will take the trip in October. My birthday is in the 28th so it would be amazing to spend it with him. By then it will be 1 year and 3 months since I last saw him, the longest time we have ever been apart.

 

M has been in military now for 9 months. The time has flew by, he told me he has to be there for 21 months and not 18 like we thought. So that means it will be this time next year that he finishes....and we can then look at a passport for him and then a visa for here!

 

IN TWO DAYS IT WILL BE OUR 3 YEAR ANNIVERSARY : )

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I finally applied for my new passport and received it last week. Next week I will apply for our visa's.. I had wanted to be there for my birthday in October 28th, but K has hospital appointments that day and C is making her confirmation November 7th, so I hope we can go soon after. It gives me a chance to save up!!

 

My best friend D had great news for me, I am so so happy for her and jealous at the same time (in a nice way). A little background information. She went to Egypt to meet O in June (for the first time) with her mother and brother and they stayed there for 3 months. She came back on the 15th, I phoned her on the 16th and she happily informed me she is in London with O!!!!!! WOW!!!! I couldn't believe it!!!! I said how did you manage it, she said he is here on a student visa!?! She said it is a long story, she will be back in Glasgow on Sunday and will tell me then.

It is so amazing and she is so lucky! I can't wait for that to happen to me and M, to be able to bring him home.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Visas have been applied for now I just need to wait, I applied on the 20th October and received a confirmation email and on the 24th I made the visa payments. I hope I don't need to wait long before I get a decision...I hate waiting....It is supposed to take around 2 weeks but from previous experience it has taken longer. This makes me more nervous. But I have done everything from my side, I just have to save hard now, and hope I get my authorization code asap. I can't wait to be back in iran. I am missing it so much and I miss M more!

 

I visited D last friday night and met her new husband it was exciting to see what my future may hold. Me and M talked yesterday about his visa application etc that he will make at some point next year. He should finish military August at the latest. So for now we are just waiting for that and for me to get over there to be with him once again!!

[Dusk Till Dawn]

YAY!! I am soooo happy, I received an email from the agency today saying my visa is secured! I can collect it from London and it's valid for 3 months. I randomly checked my email hoping for some news, M had phoned them earlier in the day but didn't get an answer so it was a nice surprise.

 

I now plan to travel in around 5 weeks with the kids, I'm mega excited, it's been too long! I need to phone the embassy tomorrow and ask them if I can post the passports and have them post them back. I am pretty sure I won't need to go back in person. So hopefully by next week I will have the visa's.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Posted the passports today to London, they will receive them tomorrow...I hope I get them back soon. I plan to travel on the 25th of this month. I really hope everything works out this time and our holiday goes ahead (don't want another repeat of what happened in May). I can't wait to get there and just spend some quality time with him. It's been 16 months, the longest time we have ever spent apart! Well let's hope in another 16 months our distance will have ended. Military finishes between May-Aug next year but since this is November next year isn't far away, lets hope the time passes quick.

 

Think I'm gonna be spending Christmas in Iran this year : )

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Got a call from the Embassy yesterday, saying everything had been received and was okay but they were unable to take payment from my card. Which meant I had to go to the post office and send them a postal order. I sent it with a recorded delivery and they should receive it today. I was advised that as soon as they receive the payment they will stamp our passports and send them back. I phoned them this morning to notify them that I had indeed made the payment, they said the post man hadn't been yet....

I may be lucky and get it back tomorrow (if it gets to them today) or monday. I hope soon anyway....

On thursday I may buy the tickets and try my best to get the dates I want. apparently everyone is waiting for us, shame they have been waiting since May. It's been 16 months since I have been over there, it's the longest time we have been apart. And that includes from when we first started dating (ol) and to when we first met in real life.

 

The weather is shockingly cold here so I will be glad to get away from it, although Iran is not hot these days since it is winter there also.

Roll on the next couple/few weeks.....

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Finally got my passports back yesterday, visa's included Today I wanna book/buy our plane tickets, and maybe our coach tickets to London. Hopefully by the end of the night I will know what date we will travel....

I am so happy about that, can't wait to be reunited with my boy.

 

It's K's birthday today he is a big 10... HAPPY BIRTHDAY BABY!!!

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I just sat and typed an update and when I clicked submit it was gone, I will repeat it tomorrow as I am too tierd to re-write it.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

I didn't repeat that thread and I haven't been here for nearly 4 months...so much has happened....since my last post and also before my last post like my visit to Iran in November to December which I sat here writing about only to have my post disappear.

 

I won't try to remember all that has happened since my last proper post in November. I will just start where I left off... and talk briefly about what is going on now..

 

C made her first holy communion on Saturday she looked so beautiful and her dress was gorgeous. M was supposed to finish military yesterday it's now been 18 months since he started, it doesn't feel like it. I can still remember clearly how I felt back then, coming here to unload and write about him being in boot camp it all seems like yesterday. M will actually graduate in August I think 2 days before our 4th Anniversary. I would like to say he will apply for his visa soon after but he won't, well at least not till I get all the paperwork we are going to need, 6 months worth.

 

He finally got internet at home after going 3 years without it, I hope we can reconnect online like we used too in the early stages of our relationship.

 

I would like to apply for my visa soon, but I honestly don't know when this will happen. I have so much to do, so many things to buy that financially I am tight. But cross fingers for seeing him soon cose I really miss him.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

Wow time flies, I don't post here these days, which is a shame really. Since my previous post I have been to Iran I went in August and stayed for 5 and a half weeks the longest we have been together so far. I really didn't want to leave him, I think that will be my last holiday there, as we are in the process of him coming here. I really hope everything we have planned works out, I can't wait for the distance to be over.

 

Not much new has been happening, my Grand Mother has been moved to a care home which is something I am not happy about, but is out of my hands. She had been sick for many months before. I see her most days between working and caring for the kids, M being here with me will be a great support, emotionally especially.

 

K turned 11 on the 18th November, he is growing up so fast! He's nearly as tall as me. This weekend they went to there fathers so I am home relaxing, have just put a dvd on 'Dear John' it's the first time I have saw it, it's about Long distance Love.

 

I will try and not leave it as long before my next entry, I remember why I originally started this blog, because M was going to Military, seems like a life time ago now, it's been nice to read it back though.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

So the other day we find out the British Embassy in his country has closed and at the present time if he wants to make his visa application he has to do it from another country like Turkey or Dubai, this is such horrible timing and to be honest has put such a strain on us...For one we don't have the funds for him to have to travel it's not just the getting there, but no one knows how long he would have to stay there before he gets his passport back once he has made the application.

 

I can't believe this has happened, and on top of that the Iranian Embassy in London has also closed, this is where I always get my visa's from and now I too would need to travel to another country ie Ireland or France just to collect a visa if for any reason I want to go to him in the mean time...

 

I can't help but wonder why it's happening to us, so many LD couples I know have now ended the distance and here we are nearly 4 and a half years and we are still in the same situation, I feel we are really unlucky, he is of course worth waiting for but I am struggling to cope with all this.

 

I pray to god, the Embassy's re-open soon.

[Dusk Till Dawn]

So on Friday I went to the college he will/would be attending and paid most of his fees, today he got his CAS letter by email and tomorrow the college will send the letter by DHL, which means he should receive it on thursday (hopefully). apparently the visa officer from the college will also be in touch to help him with the visa application.

 

I am crossing everything that things go smoothly, I still wish the Embassy would open (but I know I am dreaming) to avoid travelling to another country to submit his application.

 

I pray things go smoothly!