jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Just wondering. was seeing some posts about NC working if the dumpee stays totally out of contact, etc. I was wondering if NC works for the dumper. For example i broke up with my ex because he wasnt ready to commit to me. he wants to get married in a years time but doesnt think i am the one. can NC work to get him back? Just asking Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
newinvention Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I'm curious about this too - any insights? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chris Knows Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 I mean it all depends on the seriousness of the breakup. Some guys are more forgiving then other guys. But if you were the Dumper and still cared why would you do the dumping? Just curious. I have been on both ends of the spectrum and yes I still think of some of my ex's. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 this is my story: i have been dating this guy for two years, he is twenty eight, i am twenty seven. about four months into the relationship, i decided to ask him if he had plans of getting married anytime soon say in two years, he told me that marriage was not in his plans for now, that he had a lot to accomplish before that. i now decided to push further by asking him, if he ever felt i would be that person when the time finally came, and he said he did not know. I continued dating him, and after our first year anniversary, i brought up the marriage issue again,. This time, he told me he loved me with his whole soul and mind, but did not know if he wanted to marry me. i decided to call it quits and he said it was okay, that he would be selfish by keeping me back, when he knew he had no plans for me for the future. unfortunately, i started believing in my head that maybe if we dated longer, he would one day decide to love me more and decide he wants to marry me. so i begged him that we should come back, which we did, and its two years now. i decided to bring it up again, and he says the same thing. That he knows i would make a good wife for him, but he is not ready to make that decision, he doesnt know when he would be ready to, and that he feels very selfish that he has been dating me all this while. But he does not want to break up with me, he just wants me to know where he stands. He only wants a relationship, nothing more. I feel very bad, i decided to call it quits after he said all that, but deep inside me, i still love him. that tiny voice is still telling me to go back, i am confused. I dont want to waste more time on someone who doesnt feel i am good enough. one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else, but we are so close that i would never have the time to go on dates. What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else? So thats me. i decided to go NC. i still want him back, but only if he would commit Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
doiiiieeezie Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Not to be rude to the OP, but are you one of those people who are focused on getting married within a certain time frame? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 no, thats not the problem. i wasnt giving him a time frame. infact i told him i would be ready to wait five more years for him (i am 27). but he said he didnt think I was the one he wanted. that he wasnt sure. When i opted to call it quits, he didnt try to stop me or make me stay back or try to work things out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brownstone322 Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 one part of me is hoping that the break up would make him realise how much he needs me, another part wants to keep dating him till i meet someone else, but we are so close that i would never have the time to go on dates. What kind of person loves a girl so much but wants her to marry someone else? Many guys (and I am one of them) hate the idea of being pestered about marriage or, worse, feeling pressured into marriage. We utterly hate it. What's more, would you really feel satisfied knowing that you eventually "wore him down and broke him," as it were? Sounds as though he just isn't interested in getting married, to you or anyone else. You should respect that. On the other hand, that probably makes him not the right guy for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 Many guys (and I am one of them) hate the idea of being pestered about marriage or, worse, feeling pressured into marriage. We utterly hate it. What's more, would you really feel satisfied knowing that you eventually "wore him down and broke him," as it were? Sounds as though he just isn't interested in getting married, to you or anyone else. You should respect that. On the other hand, that probably makes him not the right guy for you. he does want to get married. he said hopefully in two years time. But he doesnt know if its me. i believe if he felt we had a chance, he would have at least asked for more time. I dont want to be used. Because i feel it means if he finds the girl he feels is right, he would dump me. By the way, i do almost all i can for this guy. i cook, clean, wash his clothes, clean his apartment. he lost his job five months ago, and i started splitting my earnings between both of us, and even helped him to look out for jobs and apply. (things i would do for my husband). he kept on saying how perfect i was, and how he was so lucky to have me, but yet he wasnt sure i was the one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHealing Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 OP I applaud you to have the courage to walking away from the relationship that doesn't work for you. Loving someone but cannot get a future commitment from your partner is a very difficult situation to be in, letting go of your loved one is very tough but this is the only way for you to find happiness that's for you... I don't have the answer if NC would bring them back, but NC can surely help you to get over the heartache and heal yourself. If your Ex loves you enough he may return, or else you have your answer, I truly hope you find someone who loves you as much you love them and is willing to commit to you for a future together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 But if you were the Dumper and still cared why would you do the dumping? Just curious. Being the dumper doesn't necessarily make you the dumper. Like in my case, my ex bf was being passive aggressive, distant and spiteful and told me that I was messing up the relationship - and when I fixed my part, he told me people don't change and he doesn't have time for me. So I dumped him and he was like.. OK!. If I hadn't broken up with him first, we'd still be dating now.. but for how long? I may have done it first but I don't think I'm the dumper, considering I'd be more than happy to jump back into his arms if he said he's willing to work things out. So.. I'm wondering this too? Does NC work? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 he does want to get married. he said hopefully in two years time. But he doesnt know if its me. i believe if he felt we had a chance, he would have at least asked for more time. I dont want to be used. Because i feel it means if he finds the girl he feels is right, he would dump me. By the way, i do almost all i can for this guy. i cook, clean, wash his clothes, clean his apartment. he lost his job five months ago, and i started splitting my earnings between both of us, and even helped him to look out for jobs and apply. (things i would do for my husband). he kept on saying how perfect i was, and how he was so lucky to have me, but yet he wasnt sure i was the one! I'd take a wager that this was your problem. Guys want a partner, they don't want to marry their mother or their maid. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 he does want to get married. he said hopefully in two years time. But he doesnt know if its me. Based on that alone, I'd move on. He wants to get married "someday." Two years is long enough to know if this is the person. He doesn't know. That'd all be fine if you either didn't want to get married or were unsure about him being the one you wanted to marry. You say you'd be willing to wait 5 more years for him...but lemme ask you this: What if you wait and at the end of those 5 years he's still not sure? If you know that you want to be in a marriage relationship sooner rather than later (and there's nothing wrong with that, BTW...you're allowed to have relationship goals), what are you getting out of waiting 5 years? I mean, seriously, in that amount of time you could meet & marry a guy who wanted to be married and wanted to be married to YOU and have at least one kid. I wasn't interested in marriage until I got into my mid-30's. I was in a relationship with a guy who I'd been with for a bit over a year at that point and was dangling "marriage" in front of me but insisting he "wasn't sure." I started asking my male friends/co-workers who were married or engaged how long it took them to figure out if they wanted to marry their spouse or fiancee. Nearly all of them "knew" after they'd been dating their SO for about year. Some a little less, some a little more. Granted, it's hardly a scientific study, just me questioning maybe a dozen and a half people...but how often do that many people agree on something? Anyway, a few months later, I caught my bf cheating and that was the end of that. Turns out after almost 2 years, he hadn't even decided if he wanted to be with just me...let alone be married to me. Seein' as how this all happened close to 10 years ago, I can tell you how things worked out: Broke up with the cheater, moved on. About 2 months later, started chatting with a guy online. Chatted a few weeks online and on the phone, then met for a date. He proposed a week after the first date (with a ring he bought 3 days after our first date) and we were married less than a year later. My husband tells me he knew within 5 minutes of our first date he HAD TO be with me. We had already had the "what are your relationship goals" discussion before we met, so we both knew we were already looking for the same thing ("relationship leading to marriage sooner rather than later") and it was just a matter of finding an otherwise compatible partner. We were finishing each other's sentences on our first phone call and just clicked when we met in person. Been happily married a little over 7 years now. Put another way, some 54 weeks after I broke up with the cheater, I had already met and had just gotten married to my husband. This isn't something anyone else can decide for you...if you honestly believe he is worth waiting for (even if he ultimately decides against either marriage in general or marriage to you), then wait -- with the full knowledge that you run the risk of being nothing but older in 5 years' time. Oh, and to answer your original question....NC is not a tool to get an ex back. It's a tool to help yourself heal after a break-up. If you're using it as a way to get your ex back, it's pretty much game playing/manipulation, so call it what it is. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HappyHealing Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 NC doesn't work in fact nothing works, but their own willingness to come back if their feelings for you is strong enough. NC is not a tool to bring someone back, it is a way for you to heal after the breakup. Post breakup your Ex may/may not realise what they've lost, they may/may not discover if their feelings for you are deep enough for them to return, regardless of what you do, it has to be up to them to return on their own accord. If you go NC, it is for your own healing sake, not to 'get them back'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 Shes2smart, your post is great. That's just what I needed to hear. I woke up this morning thinking, I'm 26, my second serious relationship has went down the drain, I'm already 26.. will I ever find someone that I can settle down with a build a life (family and partnership and committment is something I want for my life) and someone who'll want to do the same with me and actually work through the problems together instead of giving up right away like my last 2 ex's.. and I guess your experience answered the question. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 shes2smart, thanks, thats one of the greatest advices i ever got. thanks. Its just hard sometimes, i start doubting myself and wondering if i am not good enough! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 shes2smart, thanks, thats one of the greatest advices i ever got. thanks. Its just hard sometimes, i start doubting myself and wondering if i am not good enough! My mom always told me - if someone doesn't think your good enough for them, chances that you already decided you weren't good enough and they are just responding to information you're giving them. If that makes sense.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 lol. thanks Sweet kisses. going to read up ur story right away Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 shes2smart, thanks, thats one of the greatest advices i ever got. thanks. Its just hard sometimes, i start doubting myself and wondering if i am not good enough! I don't know that it's a matter of "good enough" really. Getting married is a big decision...and if someone's not ready, they're not ready...and that has more to do with them than their partner. I had been in several relationships and lived with a couple different boyfriends through my 20's and early 30's, but was iffy (at best) on marriage. Then I got to be 35-36, and it was like a switch flipped in my head and I knew I was ready for and wanted to be in a marriage relationship. It shocked the crap out of some of my long-time friends when I actually got married. Knowing me like they did, they had a hard time wrapping their minds around it. Then they'd meet my husband, and it was clear to them that it wasn't "getting married just to get married" it was very much about being with this particular person. It's hard to describe, but we just kinda fit together that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 lol. thanks Sweet kisses. going to read up ur story right away My story is hardly one of inspiration.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Crazyaboutdogs Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 he does want to get married. he said hopefully in two years time. But he doesnt know if its me. i believe if he felt we had a chance, he would have at least asked for more time. I dont want to be used. Because i feel it means if he finds the girl he feels is right, he would dump me. By the way, i do almost all i can for this guy. i cook, clean, wash his clothes, clean his apartment. he lost his job five months ago, and i started splitting my earnings between both of us, and even helped him to look out for jobs and apply. (things i would do for my husband). he kept on saying how perfect i was, and how he was so lucky to have me, but yet he wasnt sure i was the one! You were pestering him about marriage very early on..you seemed to have a one-track mind about it. You say you do things for him as if he is your husband. I think this is a huge problem. You have been too focused on getting married and not really about finding out if your partner is compatible. You cook for him, clean for him, wash his clothes, and even split your earnings. You are actually ALLOWING yourself to be used...you are pretending to be married and acting like you are married to him when you are not. It is fine to do favours for people, but this is going overboard. This is showing him that you have no life, that your life revolves around him. He is passively accepting all you do with no intentions of marrying you...he is very ambivalent about you but will accept you doing his laundry, giving him money, cooking cleaning because he himself has no moral compass and no shame. I think you need to work on yourself so that you are not so focused on marriage that you would do ANYTHING including sacrifice your sense of self. I have to wonder if you really love him or if you just aspire to be married and he will do. Lots of people get married for the sake of being married, for appearances, to show the world they are married, to live the "married life"..but these marriages of convenience are usually empty relationships. Even if this guy married you, eventually you would probably resent all that you are doing for him as he will probably not reciprocate but will just take from you. Don't be in such a rush to marry this guy. He has shown his true colours...he will take take take if it is offered to him on a silver platter without having any conscience about it. He doesn't refuse out of any sense of principle. He should have had the integrity to make sure you are not sacrificing yourself to him like that, especially since he knew he was not interested in any future with you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 yeah i was pestering him from the beginning, about two to three months into the relationship i brought it up. partly because i was so much in love with him then, and wanted to be sure he would be mine. But i still dont think that will prevent him from knowing if i am the one he wants to spend his life with. thats d way i saw it. I am still very picky, but its just that once i fall in love with a guy, i fall with all my soul. I know i was allowing myself to be used, i stupidly thought that when a guy thinks of all the things you do for him, he would not want to leave since he is not sure another girl would do the same. I got so insecure each time he said no to the commitment issue and started doing stuff to make him like/love me more. Apart from that anyway, i am naturally a softie and love catering for people, though not as much as i let it get to in this situation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweet_kisses Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 You must realize that while all of these qualities makes sense to you - and they are things that would convince YOU to give someone a commitment/make you like them more, they are not necessarily attractive to a man. Not that there is anything wrong with you, all of those qualities are great to have, its a matter of HOW you present and reveal them to a guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaygirl Posted November 25, 2009 Author Share Posted November 25, 2009 thanks a lot sweet kisses. I am learning so much from enotalone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shes2smart Posted November 25, 2009 Share Posted November 25, 2009 If you want to do those things for someone because it makes you feel good, that's cool. It's when you start doing those things with an expectation of return ("he'll return the favor when I need help" "he'll see what a great wife I would be" "he'll love me more" etc) that you start setting yourself up for disappointment. If you can't do those things with no expectation of return, you're probably better off not doing them at all, otherwise there are people who will take advantage of your generousity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.