Courage to move forward

[Lady Rashomon]

Hello, everyone. I’m new to this forum but I’ve been reading some of the advice on here ever since my own marriage began falling apart, about three months ago.

 

To begin, I’ll be 30 in a few days—met my husband close to eight years ago (when I was 22 and a very different person from who I am now in terms of self-confidence, life goals, spirituality, etc.), got married after six years of dating and thinking that was the next “right” thing to do. Throughout our relationship, we had our ups and downs—but he gave me stability, he adored me completely, he was devoted to me, and I was convinced that nobody else could ever love me as deeply. But I completely ignored my intuition, despite this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach when I married him and felt like a fraud saying my beautiful marriage vows, which I didn’t 100% feel.

 

In the process of being married, I think I came to the realization that our incompatibilities were more serious than I’d imagined. I had to deal a lot with my sense of anger and frustration towards him (because I felt we were on totally different pages in our communication styles), as well as major issues with his drug use and how I viewed his masculinity (we’d essentially stopped having regular sex two and a half years into our relationship) and my own sexuality. There was enough contentment and comfort so that I was able to stay with it—I think this also had to do with my philosophy that marriage isn’t all puppies and rainbows, and it takes hard work and endurance. But all the same, we managed to avoid digging deeper into some of the major issues, and I think I learned to tolerate our differences rather than celebrate them or question whether we actually belonged together.

 

There were other issues that arose during our marriage—I was beginning to discover a community and creative passions I couldn’t share openly with him, he decided he wanted kids (even though I had already told him I didn’t), and I became his sole source of emotional support. In response to the mounting pressures of our relationship, I basically began to numb myself to the niggling sense that something was wrong (after all, he was a wonderful person who loved me deeply), and I immersed myself in anything and everything that would mean I didn’t have to face up to not being happy in my relationship—everything from alcohol to spiritual retreats to trying to drown my sorrows in work.

 

I became pretty depressed in April of this year, after about one and a half years of marriage. A major reason: One of the huge ingredients that has been missing since Day 1 is a sense of passion and true, soulful connection, as well as sexual chemistry. I started to wonder if this was what I had to live with for the remainder of my relationship (and yes, we had had conversations about how to improve our sex life and the lack of passion/sense of stagnation in the relationship in the past, but to little avail), and began to resign myself to the idea of it being like this forever. After all, I was with somebody who loved me and gave me an incredible sense of security—wasn’t that what I should want? Also, if I felt numb, was that because of me or was it my relationship? All the same, while I felt guilty for questioning my comfortable situation, the growing sense of desperation and loneliness kept rising, and I began to literally ask the universe for signs to let me know whether I was or wasn’t heading in the right direction.

 

Long story short—after close to eight years of being completely faithful to my husband, I met a man who totally turned my life upside down. We had a whirlwind affair that lasted just a few weeks but that introduced me to a passion and sensuality that I hadn’t even known existed. It was completely tumultuous, however, and I realized I couldn’t continue living a lie, so I told my husband what was going on and also announced to him that I didn’t know if I could remain married (not so I could run off with the new guy, mind you, because I always thought of him as merely a catalyst rather than someone I wanted to actually be with) because this had triggered a new awakening within me. In other words, it made me feel like I had confirmation, at last, that I wasn’t crazy—that there HAD been something missing in my marriage.

 

Of course, my husband was devastated (so was I). In the interest of making a fully informed decision and honoring him, in the past two months or so, we’ve tried to work things out, tried couples counseling, and had a trial separation. I’ve been utterly confused, and there’s been this back-and-forth situation where I am afraid of letting go but the more I’m around my husband, the more I know that I can’t continue in this marriage. My heart has been detached for a long time and I’ve been unhappy for a long time, and it’s almost like this affair is what happened to show me how unhappy I was (especially because never in a million years did I imagine I’d be the kind of person to cheat on anybody). My husband has so many hopes for us, but my love for him is based on deep affection, warmth, friendship, and memories. Unlike a lot of people who describe the fire in their marriage fizzling out after a few years, I can honestly say that there was never any fire between us. I never felt a truly soulful connection was there. There was never any passion or romance or chemistry—just a scared, confused 22-year-old who was afraid of being alone and decided to stand by the first person who ever “stuck around” long enough for her to be in a relationship with.

 

My situation is that I know in my heart it’s over and that it’s cowardly and hurtful to prolong this with him. But it’s sooooo hard to get past the fear, despondency, and the impending sense of loneliness—especially since I know that when I end things, I will be alone on my 30th birthday and that scares the * * * * out of me. But I also have to honor what feels right—and I know that being lonely in a marriage is worse than being lonely by myself.

 

I feel like my entire life and identity have been ripped apart—how do you get past the anxiety that comes before ending a marriage? There’s also a part of me that fears making a gigantic mistake. In following what I think is my intuition, am I deluding myself? Is it possible for me to have a life that feels fuller, has more feeling, doesn’t force me to numb myself so much? Or am I just being selfish? How do you get over feelings of doubt and let yourself do what you know deep down is the right thing, especially when you are going to break the heart of someone you love so much? I feel that I could possibly be happy and explore passions that I haven’t been able to in this marriage—like my writing, my art, and my love of travel—but I wish I knew for sure.

 

I’m so afraid of striking out on my own into the great unknown. So afraid that I’ll never know what it means to love someone deeply, in a way that’s complete and open and full. If anyone has words of wisdom, I’d so appreciate them right about now. Thank you.

[Sparkie]

Hey

 

Welcome to ena!

 

I've been where you are now. maybe 10 years ago. I was married ten years and together 14. Like you I married despite niggling doubts. The security it gave me far outweighed any inner turmoil. And in the end, i left. Also like you, it was someone else that was a catalyst, although nothing happened with her before i left.

 

To me, all that you feel is normal for where you are at. Your decision to end things isn't spur of the moment. So you can trust it is right. I sense that even if 50% of you marriage is good, and 50% gives you inner turmoil, when you leave you will naturally miss the 50% that is good. For you, that seems to be security, a sense of belonging, and companionship. It is normal to anticipate missing that.

 

There is no road from here without pain and sadness. IMHO, be brave, do what you know is right for you deep down in your soul, and trust yourself to get through it. You will be lonely, and dwell on the good times, and doubt yourself. But you will survive, and grow into the 'true you'. And that will be a nicer place to be than where you were.

[illuminate]

Your post is beautiful. I'm so sorry for you. No one should have to face hard times like these.

 

You already know in your heart that you're making the right decision - it's just the "being alone" part that scares you. You've been in a comfortable setting for so long - and when I say comfortable, I mean, a situation that you've been familiar with for most of your adult life. It's always scary to leave your comfort zone, and that's all you've known for eight years.

 

But don't you remember when you were a teenager - embarking on new adventures all the time, facing fears, realizing your potential, meeting new people? It all seemed to be exciting then, didn't it?

 

This is really all that is. You're starting over again, finding out who you really are, shaping your own life with just your hands and no one else's. Sounds to me like you've still got so much ahead of you - and so what if this marriage wasn't what you wanted? You learned some things, didn't you? Found out likes, dislikes, things to look for in the future?

 

Relax. All will be well. Have courage.

[Lady Rashomon]

Thanks for the kind words. Something that has been helpful is that I know in my heart that neither my husband nor the man I had the affair with has the power to make me happy or take away my loneliness. Only I can do that, and only I can be responsible for my own well-being. Knowing that I have the power to make major shifts in my life and enter a phase of my life where everything is new can be exciting, if I let it be. So amid all the anxiety and pain and fear, I'm trying to stay positive and understand that if I follow my heart, it can only lead to good things--for both me and this man that I shared eight years of my life with. Eight years that were filled with many moments of love, but that I know weren't enough to feed the person I am becoming.

[Tazmo]

Another cheating woman.

 

Color me shocked.

[Lady Rashomon]

Another cheating woman.

 

Color me shocked.

 

Thanks for the snap judgment. I could get into endless justifications for my behavior but I'm not going to. Because I know that what I did was wrong, and I know that there are consequences for my actions. I made a lot of mistakes along the way (both of us did), and I'm doing my best to atone for them and to be a better person. As a consequence of lying to myself, I lied to and betrayed someone that I deeply cared for. It's something that I will always struggle to understand and come to terms with, but it doesn't change the fact that my marriage was over before this happened, and I'm not willing to drag my husband through MY hesitation, MY uncertainty, and MY incapacity to be truly present in this relationship--which, yes, I tried to do for years, through serious problems which most relationships don't even survive. And that wasn't good enough. I'm not blaming him for what I did--my husband deserves to be with somebody who can give him the love that he wants and needs. Relationships are complex--vilifying people who commit infidelity without fully knowing the scope of their situation is completely unfair.

[Hugwolf]

I think you mirror my ex in many ways. Her and I were not married but we were together for nine years. She felt that fire was never there, and after meeting someone else behind my back she came to the conclusion that she could probably be much happier elsewhere. It was very difficult for her to leave as she also worried that she was making a mistake. She still felt very close to me but she just was not as happy as she thought she should be. We have been broken up for three months now.

 

Even though I am the one who was left, I think I also felt a lot of the same fears as you... the impending loneliness and the fear that I was making a mistake by letting go of hope that we would work things out. I have come to realize now that I was not truly happy either. I cannot understand why I felt love for someone who was unhappy with me for so long. It has totally surprised me, but despite occasional loneliness I am truly happier now looking to the future without her. I really feel like I have been set free. As you have discovered, there are other great people out there

 

I know it is scary facing the emotions you will go through when you leave him, but they do pass with time. You don't have to settle for a marriage you are unhappy in. Open the door to something better.

[Lady Rashomon]

Thank you for your response. It means A LOT to me because I realize that I've been mainly focusing on how this will affect my husband and the idea of him being sad or lonely just KILLS me. That's a major reason why I've held on for as long as I have--in some perverse way, if I think I can bring him a modicum of happiness, I want to. But I also know that prolonging an inevitable end will hurt him more in the long run. He is my best friend and I WANT him to be happy in his life.

 

Also, for the record, I would NEVER leave him to be with somebody else. My affair was over when I told my husband about it--I could not live with the dishonesty and pain that it brought, even if it was a source of joy, because I knew that ultimately it would not bring me any sustainable happiness. I'd like some time to be alone to figure out who I am and what my needs are before even imagining being in a relationship. I suspect that if I were to just automatically move into a new relationship without a period of self-reflection or mourning, many of the issues that were such huge problems in my marriage will simply come up again. As difficult as the loneliness is, I need to give myself and my heart time to heal, because even though I'm the one who is leaving, none of this is in any way easy.

[Hugwolf]

On the bright side of this, your husband also deserves to be with someone who will be truly happy with him. If this is anything like my situation, after his pain has faded he will more clearly see that the relationship was not as great as it should have been. When I remember my relationship now, I see that for half of it my ex was more distant and insensitive. I was pretty blind to this while I was still in it, somehow. Though losing her hurt, in a lot of ways I feel like she did me a huge favor by leaving.

 

I completely agree with your last paragraph. You will learn a lot about yourself after ending such a long relationship/marriage. I'm still learning, and learning how to stand on my own without her in my life anymore. It takes some time but it's worth it.

 

Welcome to ENA, btw. This is a great forum

[lostandhurt]

Well I have read everything here and this is what I see.

 

You said something that I will always struggle to understand and come to terms with, but it doesn't change the fact that my marriage was over before this happened"

But your marriage wasn't over before you betrayed your husband was it? Certainly not in your husbands eyes.

Fantasy: This man (and I use the word man loosely) you betrayed your husband for was simply a fantasy to escape the reality of your current situation.

Divorce: This could have ended so much better if you hadn't given in to your selfish desires and simply started the process. You are not the first person to come on here and say the infidelity proved to me that my marriage was over. This is just another justifaction.

Brutal honesty: This is what will bring you to a better place. Cut out your ego and pride and be brutally honest with yourself. Do not rewrite the history of your relationship to make this easier on you. Be honest with yourself and your soon to be ex husband.

Infidelity: It would have been better if you had never betrayed him and perhaps never told him of what you did. He will carry this for a very long time and nothing you can do or say will change that. Tell your stbx to go to link removed and read up and join the forums. It will help him. There are places for the cheater as well there.

 

It is always sad when a marriage ends and even more sad when one ends this way.

I wish your husband the very best as he struggles with what is now left of his life.

I also wish you the best as you come to terms with who you are now and hopefully you will learn and grow from all of this. If not you are destined to repeat it some time in the future.

 

Lost

[Lady Rashomon]

Thank you for your message. I definitely don't want to be the kind of person who does something like this to anybody else ever again--major reason why I'd like to remain single for a long time, and learn to be comfortable with who I am so that confusion and selfishness don't cloud my judgment in the future. He didn't deserve any of this and I always wish I'd acted with integrity and love from the very beginning.

[Anomander]

Hello Hard,

you have been able to state exactly where I am now in a way I have struggled to. I have instead focused on my other half's problems as the reason for walking away, while the reality of things is that I just was never quite there emotionally. Perhaps I'm just a selfish person, perhaps I've got no moral values. I don't know. I do believe quite strongly though, that I had no business in that marriage.

 

Of course I got on with things - I tried to make things worked, communicated very well with the other half, etc. The fact is that at best we'll only ever be very good friends from my side. I need better. I believe she also deserves someone who can return the love she gives.

 

The unspoken focus of this forum tends to be about people who have been hurt consoling and strengthening each other, people like you and I who tend to cause the hurt are likely to get the shorter end of the stick. In fact it's great credit to your post that you haven't gotten the kind of responses that this kind of post normally generates.

 

This is what I feel:

There is no excuse for cheating, none whatsoever. If you can make that right, please do so (I honestly don't believe it's possible to make it right). You however have every reason to get out of this relationship if you're not happy. I also just came out of the whole "staying in an drunken/drug induced haze all weekend to get through my unhappiness". It's unhealthy both to yourself and your partner.

 

My suggestion - get out of this marriage, as carefully and as painlessly to your spouse as you can. There WILL be pain on both sides, and it seem easier for you to stay than to leave, only if you decide to stay, then the old pain, the old unhappiness will steadily return.

 

Also - start going to the gym. It gives a feeling of wellbeing. I've never heard of a depressed person who was physically fit.

[crazyaboutcats]

Somebody said something to me on this website a few years ago when I was going through the same thing (minus the affair - and no, I'm not judging you on that).

The person said 'choose your pain'.

 

Those words really helped me to focus on what I was actually facing.

 

I had two children, both very young, at the time I was trying, like you, to decide. I remember sitting in their room, on the floor, in the dark, listening to them breathing and sighing in their sleep and knowing that if I decided to divorce their father, I was going to rock their world. It was very very hard but now, two years later, I am truly ME and my only real regret is that, like you, I ignored that niggling doubt and intuition which was talking to me even as I said my wedding vows.

 

I think when you have kids (and perhaps even when you don't), if you are the instigator in a marriage that the other would quite happily carry on, the guilt just never leaves you. But you learn to live with it and move on.

 

Hope this helps.

[curiocity]

Hardboiled, we all have a right to be happy and so do you.

 

BUT do not plan on staying single forever. That will make your ordeal unnecessary. You owe it to yourself to find what you are looking for eventually.

[HeartBrokn]

Well I have read everything here and this is what I see.

 

Fantasy: This man (and I use the word man loosely) you betrayed your husband for was simply a fantasy to escape the reality of your current situation.

Divorce: This could have ended so much better if you hadn't given in to your selfish desires and simply started the process. You are not the first person to come on here and say the infidelity proved to me that my marriage was over. This is just another justifaction.

 

 

Lost

 

Ok Lost you never fail to amaze me. You are my idol on this site.

 

Anyways, what bugs me the most about some things I hear on this site is how some people say that they are just not "in-love" with their SO. Here is the wake up call, marriage, long term relationship, anything keyword "long-term" is a freaking marathon run that goes through lows and highs. My soon to be X said the same thing after she had a little fling with a co-worker about that validating her point of not feeling happy in our relationship. Here is a little secret, sometime it's not your spouse’s fault why you are not happy. So when you look for happiness in other people than of course you are going to have some sort of self validating thought like "this other guy just made me realize I was not happy in my relationship"

 

I used to think the same way, what changed for me is when I deployed to a warzone and after being isolated from family, and civilized society in general I had a lot of time to think and realized that most the unhappiness I was feeling in my relationship had a lot to do with me. I went from saying why is she not doing this right for me, or man I wish she could be like this, to a very different: man I need to fix this about myself, I started to see my faults and started to really acknowledge the issues I was bringing into our marriage.

 

Warning: Self-Philosophy follows, may cause dizziness, nausea, and confusion..... I think most of our society has fallen into "me" idea of living in our marriage… If I am not happy than my SO is at fault. Please consider this next time you take the relationship to the next level and get involved with someone long term.

[journeynow]

Heart,

I totally agree with you. There is always something outside ourselves to blame our dissatisfaction on — job, health, relationships, looks, age, home, the news, etc. — but the only place that happiness happens is within. Are we willing to look at ourselves, to be mindful of the words we use, the meaning we give events in our lives, our self-perceptions, and to watch how we chose or refuse happiness in every moment?

 

 

 

Hardboiled,

Sounds like you are going through A Dark Night of the Soul. If he wants children and you don't, that is an important detail for you both. Passion, on the other hand, has many forms in one's life, and it is not necessarily permanent in any relationship or in any situation. I don't know if any advice I have would help, but allow yourselves time to figure this out. Try a different counseling arrangement. Check out Al Turtles' site link removed Maybe take a Marriage Sabbatical. Observe happiness in people around you and the bits of it within yourself. Learn more about happiness and how you define it. Take this journey one step at a time... Good luck.