How do you convey to your partner that you're in the mood?

[Happy Bunny]

Ladies,

 

If you unintentionally got your partner in the mood, would you feel compelled to give him a helping hand, go down on him, or whatever else so that he wouldn't stay stuck?

Yep. And just knowing that I got him in the mood without intending to is enough to get me in the mood, too.

 

For one, I wouldn't ask for a massage and let him think it would lead to sex. I like to be open in my communications with my partner. If I were asking for an all-over body massage, but didn't want to have sex, I would tell him exactly that. Then it is up to him if he would like to proceed. If he still wants to, then great. If not, then fine.

 

If he wanted something in return, of course I would be accommodating. Any decent relationship is based on a give-take dynamic. If he gives me pleasure, yes I want to give him pleasure in return. Even if he doesn't do something for me right then and there, I still want to give to him, because of how I feel about him, and it makes me happy to be a giving person.

 

I guess I fail to see how having sex when I'm in no mood for it is me being thoughtful and considerate. That's not giving to someone. He would know I was doing it out of obligation instead of desire.

 

If I have made it clear that a massage is all I want, it's up to him whether to give that massage, or not. If something changes during that massage, and *poof* I'm in the mood, I will let him know. He may not be at that point, in which case it's then up to me to be understanding.

 

Open communication is the KEY.

At least you're up front about it. I personally can't get a massage without getting excited. It's just not possible.

[Nidania]

At least you're up front about it. I personally can't get a massage without getting excited. It's just not possible.

 

Considering how long it's been since I've been touched by a hand other than my own, at this point I think a hearty handshake would have me peeling off his clothes

[Happy Bunny]

Considering how long it's been since I've been touched by a hand other than my own, at this point I think a hearty handshake would have me peeling off his clothes

 

ROFL!!!

 

Good one.

[Double J]

Great responses.

 

How do I get my g/f to become less shy in bed?

 

Also, how do I get her to become less selfish? She doesn't like oral all that much and will only go down if I ask her to.

[Cognitive_Canine]

Great responses.

 

How do I get my g/f to become less shy in bed?

 

Also, how do I get her to become less selfish? She doesn't like oral all that much and will only go down if I ask her to.

 

I have no idea. I have the same problem with my boyfriend.

 

I, for one, don't understand the problem one bit.

[Happy Bunny]

Great responses.

 

How do I get my g/f to become less shy in bed?

 

Also, how do I get her to become less selfish? She doesn't like oral all that much and will only go down if I ask her to.

 

Shy in bed? I need more information, but my first question would be: how old is she? Second question: is she shy out of bed, too?

 

Maybe she just doesn't know what to do? Afraid of disappointing you? There could be any number of reasons, really...

 

For some women, oral sex is actually painful. Or maybe she just doesn't like it. It happens. Not saying that's the case here, but if she really doesn't want to for whatever reason and she lets you do it anyway, she's not going to enjoy it.

[newagainblue]

supernova said are times when she gets close and asks me to massage her all over. That gets me in the mood, but much to my chagrin, it later turns out that she just wanted to "relax."

 

Sometimes I feel as if I have to ask her directly if she's in the mood so as not to stay unsatisfied, but I know that really takes the excitement out of it.

 

servedcold said this is no communication issue, you are being manipulated. She is completely aware of what she is doing, and gets a feeling of power in the relationship from controlling you in this way.

 

What about what -he- might want based on rubbing his hands all over his lover's body and watching her react in pleasure to it? Is that any part of your "does not mean I want to have sex" equation? Would you accommodate him out of thoughtfulness and consideration, or merely focus on your immediate desires or lack thereof? After he gives you pleasure and relaxation, do you feel like giving back to him?

 

supernova said : Ladies,

If you unintentionally got your partner in the mood, would you feel compelled to give him a helping hand, go down on him, or whatever else so that he wouldn't stay stuck?

supernova said : How do I get my g/f to become less shy in bed? Also, how do I get her to become less selfish? She doesn't like oral all that much and will only go down if I ask her to.

 

1) supernova - You say she asks you for a massage, you get in the mood, and then are disappointed when she doesn't want to have sex with you. I think it would help if you clarified your interpretation of what a massage means (i.e., for you it's sexual foreplay, but for her it may not be) and ask her what a massage usually means to her. If you pressure her for sex every time she asks for physical intimacy, she'll be uncomfortable about asking for intimacy, and she'll be uncomfortable with sex (shy in bed). If you can offer to give her a massage, no strings attatched, without her having to ask - and give her that physical intimacy she wants, and be responsible for your own desire without expecting that she'll reciprocate, she'll be more comfortable giving back to you on her terms. Does that make sense to you?

 

2) servedcold - Your assumption that the OP's girlfriend is intentionally being manipulative and malicious is pretty disturbing in itself. Then the conversation sort of seems to sort of wind downwards...here's what it looks like to me:

 

servedcold & supernova, you both use language that indicates you think sexuality is your right, your partner's responsibility, and withholding sex is selfish and manipulative. That's pretty scary to me. If YOU get turned on by your patner's actions, and your partner wasn't attempting to instigate sex, and doesn't want sex, then your arousal is your responsibility. Your body is ALWAYS your responsibility. You won't "get stuck," your parts won't fall off, nothing bad will happen. You can ignore a boner and it will go away. Or you can tell your partner that you're aroused, and you would like to have sex (NOT "I need/want YOU to do this to ME") WITH her, and tell her that if she doesn't want to have sex you can masturbate. You can ask her to help - to hold you, to touch you, or you can do it yourself. Regardless, your arousal and your release is your responsibility. However, it's totally okay to say "I feel hurt/unloved/unappreciated when you don't want to have sex with me, can we figure out some way to meet your desire to not have sex and my desire to get off? Can we compromise on this?"

 

As for your partner "being selfish" by only going down on you when you ask, you seem to be selfish by wanting her to be "less shy." If she's complaning and being disgruntled while she's doing it, that's not very cool. But if she doesn't dive on you with particular enthusiasm, maybe she struggles with something I struggle with, and she's uncomfortable offering things you havent' asked for - insecurity about sex can be subtle, but have profound effects.

 

Y'all - talk to your partners about what sex means to you. Talk (and I mean have a conversation, not a lecture or an argument) about what you think intimacy means, what indicates intimacy, what indicates sexuality, and what actions/behaviors you enjoy and want more of during sex. Be direct, and if you're shy about being direct, then be direct about how you feel shy. You'll get it figured out.

 

Also, I just posted about a communication issue before I saw this thread, & I really need to take my own advice!

[FarthestEdge]

When you're with your partner, how is it that you convey to him or her that you're "in the mood"?

 

Ladies: Do you get close and snuggle with your guy, or do you do something more overt (e.g. grab his member)?

 

Guys: Do you do things like kiss her neck, massage her, etc., and, if that doesn't work, do you ask directly?

 

 

He pokes me with his boner. I figure that's a pretty good sign.

 

ha! I was thinking: How do I know he's in the mood? He's breathing.....

 

"You ready?" "Me too."

 

I'm in the same camp as KG & Catdancer....

 

DH: "So, you up for sex tonight"

Me: "Sure"

DH: "Excellent"

 

Ah- the romance never ends.....

[servedcold]

2) servedcold - Your assumption that the OP's girlfriend is intentionally being manipulative and malicious is pretty disturbing in itself.

 

Well in an online support forum, lots of assumptions are made, because people summarize situations. The reasons I assume manipulation are:

 

1. OP's tone is respectful of his GF, not that she is somehow obligated to him, leading me to believe he is a reasonable guy where these issues are concerned.

 

2. Taking "1" into account, it seems this is a pattern in OP's relationship, else why would he post about it? If this was a one time deal that concerned OP so much it wouldn't lead to a conclusion of manipulation or control games on her part. The way OP titled the thread, his respectful tone, asking for advice instead of complaining, all lead me to believe he is not having his sexual desires met in the relationship, and that the reason is that she is playing games as opposed to any unreasonableness of his desires.

 

Only an abject moron would "get close" ask for an "all over massage" and then be genuinely surprised if those behaviors led to significant sexual stimulation in their partner who gave the massage. If, on the occasion of being stimulated, he was told from time to time that she wasn't in the mood, no problem whatsoever. It seems, however, that based on OP's tone and attitude that this is a pattern, I could be wrong, but probably am not.

 

Anyone who repeatedly gets their partner hot sexually, and then denies satisfaction repeatedly on the grounds that they wanted to "just relax" is at worst a sadist, and at best engaging in manipulative behavior. Because OP sounds like a reasonable, discerning man, and approaches the issue as reasonably as he does, I assume he has more sense than to be involved in a relationship with a sadist, so am actually being charitable by calling her manipulative.

 

People play power and control games in relationships, we all do it, it is human nature and we are weak creatures from time to time. Sometimes we don't even realize we are doing it, but unless we are Mother Theresa, and most of us aren't, we all do it.

 

you both use language that indicates you think sexuality is your right, your partner's responsibility, and withholding sex is selfish and manipulative.

 

In a sexual relationship between two partners, having one's sexual desires satisfied -by our partners-within reason is absolutely a right of each partner. Frankly, it is "scary" to me that you think otherwise. We all have sexual desires, and provided those desires are reasonable and considerate of our partner, they absolutely are one right among many. Else we should be with a different person. Honesty, respect, affection. consideration and support in certain ways comprise just a few of the other rights people have when they enter into a relationship with a partner. Because the relationship is entered into with a -partner- expecting that partner to satisfy one's reasonable desire is nowhere near out of line.

 

Or you can tell your partner that you're aroused, and you would like to have sex (NOT "I need/want YOU to do this to ME") WITH her, and tell her that if she doesn't want to have sex you can masturbate. You can ask her to help - to hold you, to touch you, or you can do it yourself. Regardless, your arousal and your release is your responsibility.

 

Nothing in OP's posts, nor in my reply reflects any kind of "ownership" attitude of one's partner sexually in a relationship.

 

If one's partner repeatedly engages in behavior that any reasonable person should realize has a high likelihood of increasing their partner's sexual arousal, and then repeatedly denies their partner's reasonable efforts to satisfy that arousal with them, then there is a pretty good chance that manipulation or power games are ongoing in the relationship.