Double J Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I've been in a relationship with my girlfriend for nearly five years now. The first few years were exciting but, as is the case in most relationships, the romance has fizzled over time as both of us have grown more complacent. We don't live together, but we do live just a few blocks from each other, thus making it easy for us to see each other every day. A recurring issue has been the following: My girlfriend is always falling asleep around 9 p.m. For someone like me who's a night person, that can get old very quickly. Why does she fall asleep? Well, though she's only 24 years old, she already takes blood pressure medication as well as birth control pills and medicine for her thyroid. On top of that, she's been taking antibiotics of late to treat a cold she came down with. I think taking all this medication is sucking the life out of her, not to mention wreaking havoc on our sex life. She recently switched to the birth control medication "Yaz" in hopes of revitalizing her sex drive. Her libido seemed to have taken a nosedive after taking Microgestin for a very long time. She's only been taking Yaz for about 3 weeks, so I'm hoping it might agree with her body better. My goal was to propose to her in 2-3 years, but should this trend continue, I might put those plans on ice until I'm convinced her sex drive is showing signs of life again. My biggest fear is entering a sexless marriage where she will not be able to meet my needs. Right now we're only intimate with one another 1-3 times per month. I told her this today: "If you're this tired all the time now, you can only imagine what will happen once you're pregnant and/or with a baby." I'm going to see how things pan out over the next few weeks. Does having such drastically different sex drives spell doom for a relationship/marriage? Have you had a similar experience? What do you recommend I do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 If you have been together 5 years, why are you waiting 2-3 more to propose? Is it possible that her decline in sex desire is possibly due to your wanting to wait so long after already being together 5 years? Just a thought, got nothing otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
valentino2003 Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 ok so have you tried to even communicate all of this to her at all? Maybe thats what you need to do and work it out with her before you rule her out. a good sex life is based on a great communication! I'm living proof! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WomanWriter Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Do you tend to take her for granted? Doesn't sound like you're very thrilled about her, which may be affecting her sex drive. A woman can tell when she's not wanted...and it doesn't do much in the way of the libido...especially since you're actually considering leaving her for this reason and not even considering marrying her for 2-3 years. I think your problems go beyond sex, to be honest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cognitive_Canine Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Are you excited about your relationship? You said you are both complacent. Complacent doesn't really bode well for long term. Typically when issues are about sex, they really aren't. However, if you feel unsatisfied with the sex (or any aspect of your relationship) I wouldn't marry her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jettison Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 You have been dating 5 years, and you're "planning to propose in 3"? 5 years is long enough. If she is the one for you, then act. If she's not then let it go. At some point one of you is going to have to take charge in this relationship and make it something. It sounds like you both are just wandering around, waiting for some magic to strike. Life doesn't work that way. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melrich Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Agree with the others....your post doesn't exactly scream " I love this girl and I want to marry her." You sure you are not just going through the motions? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Circe Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I think it depends on how much weight you ascribe to sexual compatibility. To me its one of many factors that contribute towards my happiness in a relationship (the others being compatible sense of humour, adventure, responsibility with chores, work and finances, mutual respect and admiration, ability to communicate, ability to be compassionate, affection, insightfulness and understanding of who the other person is - to name a few). Sexual incompatibility would only be a dealbreaker outside of marriage for me if I explained how I felt to my partner and he ignored my concerns completely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
colgate Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I don't think there is a time limit as to when you are supposed to propose. You do it when it comes natural to you. You do it when you want to. Like what indigo777 said, it depends on how high sexual compatibility is on the priority list for you. To me, it sounds like it is relatively high up there which is natural and understandable. Gauge her willingness to change the situation. If she is unmoved about the situation, this doesn't seem to be a relationship which is going to benefit you. It's not something you will want to be in. If she is willing to take real action to improve her activity and her sexdrive, then she is listening and respecting you. This is something you want. It should always be kept in mind that relationships are not chess games with each piece representing an aspect of the relationship. It requires work and work at the human level is not always the speediest of processes. It's good you are allowing the weeks you are allowing as it shows you have patience and that you would like for your situation with her to improve. Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
servedcold Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 I don't think there is a time limit as to when you are supposed to propose. You do it when it comes natural to you. You do it when you want to. Then why state a plan to do it in 2-3 years? There is a time limit as to when you are supposed to propose, it varies with the desires of the people in question, but there is most definitely a limit. I know too many women who have left LTRs when a proposal was not forthcoming within a reasonable time to think otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharsachan Posted November 15, 2009 Share Posted November 15, 2009 how often do you bring this up?? i have a much higher drive than my husband and i have found that the more often i bring it up or complain about the lack of frequency, the more turned off to sex he is. it almost comes off as nagging if yo bring it up a lot. and who wants to be nagged into doing something that is supposed to be fun and enjoyable? if she has problems with her thyroid, perhaps that is also the cause of her tiredness and low sexdrive? i know that [depending on the particular problem] that is sometimes the cause in men. BC pills are notorious for lowering sex drives as well. sometimes it takes a woman 3 or 4 different kinds before she finds one that works well with her body. i think if you have been together 5 years, you already know if you really want to marry her or not, i'm not sure why you think you need to wait another 2-3 years? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted November 16, 2009 Share Posted November 16, 2009 I dont think that two people in a relationship are able to have a constructive disagreement about the amount of sex in the relationship. Putting pressure on her to increase her sex drive isnt going to work, in fact it will potentially kill whatever sex drive she has. I like to have a hands off approach, im sure that you have already addressed the issue of sex, and I would stop making comments about it. If her sex drive happens to increase then you realize that you were adverse effecting her sex drive. If her sex drive does not increase then you are faced with a tough decision to end the relationship based upon sexual incompatibility. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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