ToF Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Oh, it was as if her mind had broken, She answered, although none had spoken, As she lay dizzy in her reverie. It was as though her soul he’d stolen, Her heart still quaking and eyes swollen As he adds slight to injury. And it was as though her light had died Once so auspicious in those willow eyes. When he returned my love to me. When he told her to leave him be. eke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DadaJones Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Your good at euphonic usage of words, but more specific details please... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Details.. How do you mean? And thank you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DadaJones Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 What separates poetry from song lyrics are details. People mistakenly think that when you stay general, more people will be able to relate to it...but that is incorrect...specific details grab interest and let the reader get to know the voice in the poem on a more personal level... Does she have a name? What color is the light? Where is she? Your metaphors are weakend by phrases like "its as if" and "it was as though"...just let the soul be stolen, the mind broken...and you can get more specific with the metaphors too...what does a broken mind look like? Like i said, the words sound pleasurable and you have a sort of elegant way of wrapping them which is no small thing, but if you want me to savor it i need specifics... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ToF Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 That's fantastic advise.. I'll start revising! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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