Paradise. (pOeM)

[Disturbed]

I feel sleep tugging at my conscieness as it disentigrates my worries.

I feel a warm breeze gently ligting my spirit up and away.

I would remain in blissful unconscienceness forever.

To get back I am in hurry.

Rolling hills and windswept landscapes.

Barren wastelands and foggy window-panes.

A place where true love exists.

A place where the babbling river runs through the graves.

Where a broken heart heart is not in existence.

A place immensely far away.

A place brimming with perspective.

A place where I will stay.

Some may be dissapointed.

But death is exactly how I thought it would be.

 

*any feedback would be appreciated*

[DadaJones]

The imagery is nice...got alittle surprise at the end with the death lines...the cadence is kind of haunting cause it reads like a matter of fact list so it goes with the poem. Not bad at all.

 

Try showing not telling sometimes though...instead of telling me a place far away...just give me a specific place thats far away...don't be afraid to get specific or else they read more like song lyrics.

[Disturbed]

The imagery is nice...got alittle surprise at the end with the death lines...the cadence is kind of haunting cause it reads like a matter of fact list so it goes with the poem. Not bad at all.

 

Try showing not telling sometimes though...instead of telling me a place far away...just give me a specific place thats far away...don't be afraid to get specific or else they read more like song lyrics.

 

Thank you so much. But my only issue with naming specific places is that it ruins the mystery... you know? And it really doesn't have a place, as death is an abstract concept and everyone thinks of it differently. And isn't that what song lyrics are? poetry? But thank you.