Birthday... Really THAT important?

[Talus]

Ok first off this is a birthday question you've seen 100s of times over, yet my situation is different to probably 99% of people here.

 

Now I've been over it heaps of times before but the breakup was mutual. Not a thing either of us wanted, but had to do as we're young and she wants to travel by herself, and I guess I want to as well. Anyways she was my first love, this put me down into depression pretty bad and my life has come to a massive stand still, only now starting to pick everything up.

 

Now my question, her birthday is coming up, Halloween to be exact. I have had a couple texts from her, even ran into her one night drunk, and I have ignored her completely. Ignored her when she said hi to my face(I paniced, was drunk, didn't want to get emotional etc. etc. might have been wrong but I froze and couldn't even muster up hi so I looked away and ignored her). It's been about 2+ months.

 

I am not bitter, it was not a bitter breakup. I feel like this was so harsh, all the ignoring and cutting her completely out of my life. I want it to stay that way, as I said, no bitter feelings so it's got nothing to do with that. But what's done is done. I don't want her in my life, I don't want to be with her, see her, talk to her, hear about her etc. etc. Done and dusted.

 

Despite all this, I'm having a hard time deciding whether I should send her a happy bday msg. Or even just leave a little card or something in her letterbox. Because things weren't bitter, but I know she took my ignoring her and all that the wrong way as if I'm angry at her. Especially the face to face situation. I don't want her to think that. I'm not a bad guy and completely ignoring her birthday seems like a real dog act... But I just don't want to hear from her. I'd rather just not know she exists anymore after falling deep into depression after the first breakup, then remaining depressed throughout the relationship once we reconciled to now. It's been since about March this has taken hold of my life and shut me down.

 

Sorry if this is all confusing but I hope the situation is kinda clear? Just looking for opinions on whether it'd be a good idea to say happy bday, or let it slide?

[Seraphim]

Let it go. It is a nowhere relationship right? Would it serve any purpose to send her one?

[Talus]

Nope. It's taken a while but I can safely say I don't want her back. I'm seeing the relationship for what it was and honestly, whether the travel reasons came up or not, we shouldn't be together. I don't want to be with someone like that. I see the reality, what I was going through and so much of the relationship that I just was not happy with and that was so destructive for me that lead me into a depression and kept me there.

 

So yea. I have no interest in being with this girl. Not what this whole birthday thing is about.

 

I guess I just don't want to be a bad guy. I don't know, it just feels like ignoring her birthday is a bitter and kinda cowardly thing. After everything, all the feelings we shared and all the good times, just seems... harsh?

 

Does that sound stupid? Tell me if it does, I'm really looking for some opinions.

 

Thanks for the reply.

[Seraphim]

So, it is really about you and how you see yourself then. I would not send it, after all it is her day, it is not really about you. Let her be happy with her day. Let go of your need to be seen as "the good guy". After all she is going to think what she wants and you do not want to be in her life so it really does not matter what she thinks anyway.

[sophie274]

Honestly, given that you've ignored her (including to her face) for the past few months, I doubt she wants to hear from you on her birthday.

 

Maybe you feel guilty about having ignored her that way ... if that's so you could apologize and wish her a happy birthday. But I think that you not wishing her a happy birthday would be much less of a slap in the face then not acknowledging her greeting was.

[susie198]

Your priority is you and on healing. Her opinion of you is secondary. In my opinion, if you were truly over her, her opinion of you would be irrelevant. But maybe that's just me. I don't care what my ex's think of me. It's over and done with. They are no longer part of my life - they are irrelevent to me now as people. That's not anger, it's just reality.

 

I think at least two years and possibly as much as five years needs to pass before you can be friends with someone you've really been in love with. In short, you truly need to have moved on in your life. A few months is simply not enough. And given that your instincts are telling you to protect yourself, and you say her opinion of you is still important to you, I'd say its still way to early for you yet.

 

I wish you peace in your heart.

 

Susie

[Talus]

Thanks for the replies. Yea I'm not over her... I wasn't meaning to suggest that. I still love her and am in love with her, I just don't want to be with her if that makes sense. I don't want to go back to that at all.

 

I do care what she thinks about me though. I don't like the thought of someone thinking badly of me, let alone someone I was so close with. But I guess you're right... That shouldn't matter anymore...

[Talus]

Well it's pretty close now, this coming Saturday. I have fully decided against wishing her a happy birthday. I don't want to and it just seems pointless. She's not a part of my life. I don't feel like I'm being a jerk or anything like that for the thought of not wishing her a happy bday, like I did when I started this thread. She's a part of the past, nothing more. I like that. And I want it to stay that way. I hope she has a happy birthday but that's something I say to friends or family.

 

 

There's nothing to gain and the only reason I was considering it was to be nice and so I wouldn't feel guilty. I didn't want her to think badly of me. But knowing her, she probably already does as she was always quite stubborn and in a lot of ways, selfish. But whether she thinks the world of me, or the complete opposite, it doesn't effect me one bit. Closing in on 3 months complete NC on my half, looking forward to another many more

 

So I've actually thought about it and will not wish her a happy bday. I'm gonna leave the past where it is. The present and future are where it's at and she isn't a part of that.