rich 1517 - the value of patience OR how to seduce a rock

[rich_1517]

i feel that i have taken a lot from the site. so perhaps it time that i shared what i learned too. i do respond to others posts but i think we forget to share outcomes and growth that comes. both of which help tell the real story and if the goals are about getting someone back or growing, well its good information.

 

patience is important for a couple reasons i know now. it allows time to take effect to get normal, having normal reactions, normal feelings, normal sense of self. by waiting out the swing door of emotional devestation, hope and loss I have become who i was and more. i learned.

 

patience allows me to watch and see whats real and not what i want to see.

 

patience keeps me from making mistakes or jumping too soon.

 

patience in its other form, silence and withholding emotions is sexy because it looks like aloof. and it implies a level of emotional balance. (whether true or not)

 

personal strength is important because without it i cant use the patience to any meaningful effect. the rebuilding of my self esteem came from acceptance of my situation, that i have no power beyond what I can do. so choose those things wisely.

 

acceptance is important because how i act based on what i see and how strong emotionally i feel must be based on reality. if i dont accept whats real then my actions are not in response to whats real its coming from hope, longing, anger and frustration. and bound to fail because it probably isnt what the situation called for.

 

this leads to where i am today. i go to continue to seduce a rock. dont get me wrong i think everything i have done should have lead to reconcilliation by now. heres what i have done

 

- no contact in first months - i let her call i did not

- learn how to regain their heart - i read

- i removed negatives in my interactions for now

- i stroked and supported but i also just showed up and had fun

- i do not talk about my feelings

- i have been changing the things that i know were wrong for me and her

- i have spent a lot time trying to understand her needs

- made a list of my needs and how they could be addressed, but i dont bring them up yet.

- i move slowly based on where she is in her comfort zone

- i act when it seems right, physical contact, kissing, etc.

- i withdraw when she seems to be taking me for granted

- i do not withdraw obviously (no harsh or final words), i just dont call, but the i am excited in my tones when she does.

- i excercise and try very hard to stay emotionally grounded.

- i dont let her see the pain i went through

- i try to bring new, different and exciting things to dates and getting together. i avoid the same old same old.

- i make myself smile

- i listen better

 

 

so take heart, i cant fault my approach. as i said this i believe would work in many situations. but that acceptance part? thats in there in any of our situations, fact is sometimes the other person is done, we can get them to compromise and even get back together but if it is done prematurely it wont last.

 

my situation? i still have good days and bad. for her the romance may never happen because she is emotionally "removed" so there are three plans remaining at this point:

 

1. seduce her over time, take the risk of being the friend to be more. her comfort zone is very large now, good and bad. she could take me for granted, so i am still sending messages of you could lose this every so often. this plan does allow for her to take me for granted, so it requires me to be very clear about whats ok and whats not, no kisses is not, sleeping over is ok, but not on the couch.

 

2. just go for it, this is the most dangerous. it means i try to seduce her with physical attention and expereinces, the downside is if she has a bad reaction it could be clear as a bell for us both. this plan does not allow for the slow rediscovery of feelings.

 

3. talk to her. in my case i am the emotional "understanding" we both relied on my to see what might be wrong and consider perspectives and options. i have removed this one for some time becuase it shows my feelings. but if i use it objectively to address resitant behaviour she is showing then it might work to open doors. the down side is she may react to hearing how she is being seen.

 

so take heart if you are trying to get someone back. the things i listed above do help, each situation is different, each romance or partnership is unique and built on your combined experiences together. so get clear of your pain, and your loss and obsession. they do not serve you and they do not serve getting someone back. as it says in no contact, this is an opportunity to grow for the relationship or for yourself.

[psycho_Jr]

thats great info

thanks rich

[rich_1517]

we got together today. went to the amusement park.

 

i ride motorcylces at 150mph but rollercoasters freak me out, so today i went on all the most messed up ones. i know she loves these so it was good for us both. as usual we had fun and as usual she was non physical except for hitting and punching.

 

we got back and took naps on separate rooms. predictable.

 

after we went out to dinner and then we talked. well i talked, i said if we are dating its time we started to communicate.

 

i said i am prepared for rejection i will accept whatever you have to say and not judge you for it. the reason for this is if people cant voice thier concerns without fear they hold onto them, by her letting them out she can let them go if thats whats to happen.

 

she did not say friends, she said she is letting things grow at their own pace, i said i understand. so i told her the one that i didnt think she saw coming. that at one point i had fallen out of love with her, that i still loved her but wasnt "in love". this has been her big sticking point. she wants to be sure passion will be there.

 

i told her i had to go back to the disappointments, hurt, needs not being met and look at them again. and i realised that i had pushed my feelings out with the hurt. that once i looked at not having her in comparison to not getting what i wanted i had my answer. she said she will talk to me again about it after a week of excercising that her self esteeem is really low, and she hates how she looks, maybe after some excercising that will bother her less. hmmm, i kinda get it. but overall another emotional dodge (her way with everyone)

 

she wanted to know when and how i had fallen out of love, this upset her. i played it very cool. i said it wouldnt had served to tell you at the time, that i still loved you and that was enough. that i knew i had to look at it to solve and i did.

 

 

she invited me to go to san diego with her and her son in may. this would be three days at least. i had planned camping but this will do.

 

we are touching more but still not kissing.

 

we went to the movies and saw the jim carrey movie about erasing an ex from your mind. talk about the right movie.

 

again i couldnt tell you whats happening. if you see something tell me. she is naive i think about the whole thing, we are either building a relationship that is so damn solid based on trust or she really is trying to make into the feel good buddy.

 

i told her she could spend the night, she said she wanted to drive home, well at least she got to feel the awkwardness herself now. not being in my bed and not sleeping in the house.

 

i may have a bad a day tomorrow we'll see. this is all very strange.

[rich_1517]

well actually its not a bad day. i had a great day yesterday.

 

i think maybe i am showing my frustrations and desire a little, nah, im doing it pretty cool, but its the fact that I want the contact and not her that bugs me.

 

i brought up smoking and that i hadnt quit. she said she see me trying and its not that. she says we are still finding out.

 

whats with inviting me to san diego? if we arent kissing deeply theres no way. deep kiss leads to spooning leads to bed. she knows this already, she knows once she goes over the line a little i win. hmmm. yep. thats it she is afraid if she gives in without being certain she will compromise, becuase we know each other already the line to being together isnt very thick.

 

and again last night the end of 12 hours together, yep ends in a hug.

 

my next move is risky, i hate the moves, i hate this somedays. but.. its whats is true today.

 

sympathy is isnt her thing, nor is recieving anger. but something has to be done, or its just going to drift away, this i told her: "if we dont talk, if we dont confront what might be in the way we will not find anything here. it would be very cool to have things start over, but if we dont do anything nothing will happen and it will be lost"

 

so we learned that she trusts me to look after the feelings.

 

she now has her kid for three weeks straight. i need an idea of what to do as a signal to scare her.

 

well i think actually i know. she is softer and knows she has been lazy, she has had all the control. if she sees the fact that i waited until she was with her kid she will be mad, very. because there is a limited ability for her to even think about dating.

 

she is much more reserved then she used to be. i know her facial expressions and many times i saw she was thinking very deeply, i asked whats on your mind and she made stuff up. i dont know if the ex is the problem here or not, if i am the second choice. he goes to chile now for a month to see his girl. he has been treating my ex like crap, which may be what i have to do her ex is the reason she has the kid for three weeks straight instead of week on week off.

 

if you can believe this she honestly doesnt know "consciously" that she is taking me for granted.

 

so sometime this week i will tell her that if i dont see something from her, i am going to start dating. i have stayed in it as best i can but im not seeing anything from her that says romance or desire for it. i cant make you want me, and its nice to be wanted. and that i dont have any plans yet nor looking for sex but...

[GeeCee]

Rich

 

I shall say again, I think that you have done your best to comply with all her requests. Now you are in a position to make your own requests and this will give you some clarity in terms of WHAT she is willing to invest into the relationship. If she still maintains that she needs MORE TIME, I think that you have ultimately got your answer. Obviously not the answer you have been waiting for. But if she cannot give you anything concrete now, I don't think that it is EVER going to happen.

 

Good luck.

 

G xx

[rich_1517]

I did it see post if curious.