Anybody finding it hard to motivate themselves??

[kungfumaster]

Hi everyone,

 

Just wondering if anyone is finding it hard to find motivation or purpose to life now? I mean, before my ex broke up with me (now almost 5 months of no contact), we had all these plans, and one of the main reasons for alot of things I did was geared towards achieving a nice future for me and my ex - and now that she's gone, I find myself saying "why am I doing the things I do now", e.g., trying to establish a good career, trying to be healthy, taking care of myself, etc. I guess - yah - we need to do this anyways, but now, I don't have quite the motivation to do all of the things as I did before when I was in the relationship. I don't know. Is anyone at this point? How do you deal with it? What do I need to say to myself??

 

Sorry - just venting, and wondering what other people are doing about this - or am I just resigned to accept "time will heal me eventually and give me the answers". I know that's probably it. But I guess like alot of people in this forum, I'm just impatient.

 

Thanks for reading this. Have a good evening everyone.

Kung Fu

[DragonGirl724]

i know what u mean i felt it too 2wice in my life once wen my ex passed away and again just recently when my bf broke up w/ me for more 'space & time w/ his boys' ugh* its a sort of learned helplessness. and we lack motivation b/c we probably made our ex's our worlds & w/o them its like what else do we have...?? sound familiar? what we have to do is realize we had a life b4 our ex's and that is what we have to go back to and move forward from. u have to get out there & continue with your life otherwise youll become a vegetable & die alone & miserable. after a breakup its ok to sit around & sulk its natural but after a while you cant get comfortable doing that. i know its hard to break thru & be like 'ok today is the first day of the rest of my life!' but it will happen to you and the sooner the better but after the healing process. which takes time. it gets easier coping w/o a loved one. ive been thru a death of an ex & a breakup that feels like a death b/c i feel like a part of me died along with him. so i know how u feel. and i wish in the next few days/ weeks u can find the strength to move on with your life & carry on as a fuly functional adult. i know how hard it is w/o the most important person in your life, but in reality that person should have been yourself in the first place. thats my problem too i fell so head over heals w/ my ex that he was first & formost in my life i looked at it as a loving unselfishness but now its time to be selfish & go thru day by day knowing we dont need our exs to live. itll get easier. take care & good luck.

 

-DG724

[tiger_lilies]

I understand what you're feeling. What I've learned from my recent break up is that you shouldn't live your life for you significant other. Meaning, when you eventually have another relationship, that you should not give up doing the normal things you do for yourself. For example, if you work out 3 times a week, don't give that up to spend time with your g/f or b/f. Because working out is something that you do for yourself.

 

When you start giving up things for your partner, then you start giving up parts of yourself. Am I making sense?

 

I gave up all of myself to be with my boyfriend. I ended up losing and forgetting who I was before I was with him. And now that he's gone, I'm left totally lost and confused and I don't know who I am anymore. It's like I lived my life for him. After doing a lot of research on the internet, I now realize that, that's the worse thing to do.

 

I felt like there's no purpose for me now that he's gone. What do I do with myself? So, I'm now starting to slowly put back the pieces of my life and rediscover all the things that I enjoyed doing when I was single. I'm making sure that I pay more attention to my friends and renewing old friendships that were lost after I basically dropped them to be with my ex.

 

Your purpose in life is to be the best person you can be. You may feel hopless now, but try to rediscover yourself. Experiencing new things is the best way to add spice to your life. Be selfish and improve yourself.

[TheRock]

Hey KungFu,

I think I completely understand how you feel. It has been nearly four months of no contact for me and I find myself trying to build my motivation for things regularly. Today was one of them. I just couldn't get motivated all day. I found myself questioning why am I in this job anyway-It feels like I am just spinning my wheels. I am also very confused as to what my direction in life should be and what do I want to do. One of the biggest questions I am facing right now is if I should buy my own aprtment. I find myself questioning if I should do it or not. I am also comparing myself to her. She owned her own place. Also, looking at places reminds me of her because we looked together for a little while together, so it is a hard process. Should I just put this buying thing on hold until I get over her? Does anyone have any advice on this subject?

Anyway KungFu, I just wanted you to know that I feel what you are feeling too. I think the others on this post had good advice. I am trying to just go one day at a time. It is the only way I know how. I also try to remember the good days I have, and the good days before I met her. This does help because I do remember being happy before her. Good luck and take care.

[Eric f]

i am having a hard time motivating my self right now, i got out of highschool allmost a year ago, and i have done anything sense.

 

i dont know why i cant motivate myself, its just like i dont care.

i had alot of plans when i was in high school but things changed once i was out.

 

my ex left me 4 weeks ago and i really love her to death but i thought i could actully go forward and worry about my self.

 

now that i am single it has been better but still not motivated enough to do something with my life.

 

so i think i will just let the army help me out on that one.

i dunno any advice?

[disEnchantid]

hey kungfu!

This may not be the best thing to do, but it works for me. Whenever I get broken up with I try and do all kinds of things to improve myself so that I become a new person in some senses. I want to be a different person so that the new me doesn't have to feel so worthless, because it was the old me who was rejected and hurt so bad. Lots of women I know cut their hair or make some other physical change after a bad break up. It seems to be a way to reinvent yourself and help give you more confidence. So I guess your motivation should be a renewed sense of pride in yourself and a realization that you as a person have a lot to offer whoever you end up with. If the person you were with could not recognize your potential, then that is ultimately their loss which freed you to find someone who can appreciate all your assets. You are such a smart guy, you need and deserve someone who is smart enough to know what a prize she has when she has it.

 

keep on keepin on ;-)

 

dE

[kungfumaster]

Hey thanks everyone for your posts - it makes me feel better that you guys know how I feel - I don't feel so isolated.

 

Dragonlady and tigerlillies - you ladies are so right. I did devote most of my energy towards my former love relationship - and I was so concerned with her problems, instead of mine. I know I shouldn't have done that. I know I have to to some extent, but I think I overdid it. And I did give up alot of my friends to be with her too - and some things that I did for myself. I guess I've had to learn that the hard way - ouch.

 

Hey Rock - thanks for your post too - hey - just ask yourself maybe, do you think before you even knew your ex, would you have bought an apartment anyway? I think if your answer is yes, then I think you should go for it and go buy an apartment - because its something FOR YOU - something YOU WANT!! And I think you should "reward" yourself with your own apartment. And you're right Rock - I will take it one day at a time too.

 

Eric_f - yah - maybe the army will help you - and hey, if you don't like it, you can always leave it right? As long as you are trying, you are fine. You can't just sit around and do nothing. Try anything that you might even be remotely interested in, e.g., taking more school, going to the army, working at a job that might be interesting, volunteering someplace where you totally love what they do, etc.

 

Disenchantid - you are an Thank you so much.

 

Take care everyone.

Hi yaaaah!

[DragonGirl724]

kung,

 

yea i was 110% devoted to my ex like u were and it scared him away b/c i stopped doin stuff w/ my friends & ultimitlatly i kept him from doin things w/ his friends too, and he couldnt take it anymore & split march 3rd after a 7-8 month outstanding relationship. though i didnt intentionally do it i pushed him away. i realize now how unhealthy it was & is. and i wrote him a long letter about 8 pages explainin how sorry i am for straying away such a great man who is 1 in a million b/c i was overwheleming him w/ my unhealthy twisted perception. and how some instances we were in i totally over dramatized it and i appologized sincerely for it all. and i left the letter in his mailbox today, breaking my weeks of No Contact. i figured i learned my lesson the hard way now i jus wanted to tell him i learned and grew from our breakup & other stuff. too much to type here. but im waitin for a response from him. he said i was absolutly perfect except that i smothered him, so i went out on a limb here, learned what i needed to learn & i let him know i matured.....wish me luck.

 

ps: if ur gonna go nutz & change your appearance i wouldnt suggest gettin any tattoos, tats are permanant (duh) and whenever u see it itll remind you of this heartbreak...get a piercing take it out when u want. lol

[Scout]

I find I'm having a hard time getting motivated to date again, but I feel I must because I'm lonely and bored. I put a post up on a community dating site, and I've gotten several replies, but most of them it's like they didn't even read my post about what I'm looking for. I've never been online dating's biggest fan, it always feels like I've landed on The Island of the Misfit Toys!

[kungfumaster]

Hey Dragongirl - hope you're doing okay - an 8 page letter - wow. I wouldn't have the guts because I wouldn't want to feel rejected if she didn't respond or anything. I wish you good luck.

 

Scout! Yeaaayyy! At least you're getting out there - that's great. I wonder about dating through the internet too. I had a friend who dated alot through the internet, and he had alot of dates, but he never really found anyone, so I'm not too gung-ho about the idea. This weekend though, I joined an ethnic club wanting just to get out there and just be around people - there were alot of old people, but that's cool. We went bowling, and it was fun -they were glad I came to make the club more "youthful" - haha. And you're right about what you said in the other post, when you said sometimes you just have to get out there and do things on your own, like going to museums, concerts, etc. I have to do that too - its just where I live, there's not much stuff to do ahhhhhh! Oh well, I'll just drive to some place more happening I guess. Frustrating. Can't wait 'til my trip.

[DragonGirl724]

yea ud be surprised it didnt take much guts, it took a lot of heart. i said how i felt w/o sayin "i love u, i miss u, i want u back' crap like we used to talk about. i basically said im sorry for a lot of things & im back to the old me hangin w/ friends i lost touch with. i havent heard from him yet since i dropped it off sunday afternoon, and im comin to realize, if he doesnt respond hes not the man i thought he was. and i dont want that kind of guy anyway.

 

how are things goin with you?? i know i have my extreme ups & downs from day to day/week to week. i wish i knew if he did too. whats your overall views on your breakup now? how do u feel most of the time? hope youre feelin better, take care & God Bless.

 

-DG724

[kungfumaster]

Hey DG724,

 

i havent heard from him yet since i dropped it off sunday afternoon, and im comin to realize, if he doesnt respond hes not the man i thought he was. and i dont want that kind of guy anyway.

 

Good for you DG! Yah -even if he does respond, you should try to "move on" anyway, i.e., invest time in yourself, and don't think about him. I know its harder to do, and easy to say, but I encourage you to do so.

 

How am I doing? Thanks for asking - sorry - I'm just going to vent now. This morning I missed my ex alot - it comes and goes this feeling (just like your "ups and downs from day to day/week to week" I guess)- like this evening - I got a call, I picked up the phone, but no one answered - just silence, so I thought it was my ex. Then, I realized it was just someone who buzzed the wrong apartment number So to be honest, I don't know. I just feel like I want my life to get a jump start - its just work now - that's just all there is to my life now. I can't wait until my vacation to the Orient (1.5 months left ) - until then, I just have alot of work to get done so I can just enjoy my vacation without any worries.

 

whats your overall views on your breakup now?

It is weird, like yesterday, I realized that a person from the outside looking at my ex's actions would totally call her selfish - and actually, I totally agree. But the thing is, from the inside, I know she wasn't intentionally being selfish, i.e., she had no control, she does not choose to be selfish (well - she does to some extent - but the thing is, she just doesn't know any better). I've come to realize alot of the times, her "selfish" actions were just a result of her issues with her dad (he was never there for her basically).

 

So to answer your question, my overall view of my break up now is that I do not think I could have tried to help her "heal from her wounds" if she herself does not want to heal from them, or are even aware of them. She knows her dad is an issue, but she projects too much of her bad experiences with her dad onto me. I don't know, maybe I'm just fooling myself - but that's what I think. I don't think that's fair for me that I get the brunt of all her anger and baggage towards her dad.

 

Sorry this was so long - I was just venting. Hope you're doing okay DG.

 

Hope everyone else is doing good too - keep strong everyone!! You're worth it Hi yaah!