rich 1517 - update

[rich_1517]

i thought i would write it down while its still fresh and in my head so i dont have to keep it there.

 

i havent been posting as much. which is a good sign. im beginning to run under my own steam again, i need and want the perspectives but i also find its good sometimes to not be thinking about it all the time.

 

things are changing. got a job today, its funny this economy has taken a lot of people out the game in many ways. if you are struggling with this too my thoughts are with you.

 

i started off very angry yesterday, and knowing i would see her, i was afraid or happy that i would express my frustration.

 

i cant tell you if i am winning or losing the game with my ex. she is not revealing any feelings at all. but things have changed.

 

mostly i think ive changed, im still smoking but i am stronger than i was and i can respond in most situations with her without worrying about it.

 

 

i set out with a goal or two and then play it by ear. i helped her move some stuff yesterday. there was a lot of punching (taps) going on and wrestling. i think maybe since she isnt talking and im not talking its her way of communicating right now.

 

we are very comfortable around each other, but i still have to pay attention. im not sure what her plan is if she has one.

 

i did a lot different. ended up giving her a massage after wrestling, there was alot more physical contact then usual. lot more strokes, touches etc.

 

she invited me to stay again, but again the couch or her sons bed. i said did you think its strange that i would not want to sleep on your couch? she said she thought so. so she didnt invite me to sleep in her bed this time, i could have gotten it i think, but bad idea. this is a very slow game. so i said everything in its time, and left.

 

last night was another big one. she is very very coy, well i went the same route. i went very cool on her at one point, not cold just not talking. and she came in closer.

 

 

we have plans for the weekend, its time to add excitement, amusement park or something like it. rides. this will get us to wednesday when her son comes back for a month. the ex is on the """"" list. i dont know why, but he is.

 

she is much more private then i thought. she tells no one how she feels, i mean no one. i cant believe it. and for once i got to see the edges of that last night, the impact of holding stuff in. she doesnt know how to act sometimes.

 

i could be winning this, i am much further along then i was. but i hesitate to say how its really going. i dont know what else to say to her right now other then show up and make her show up. i said we're dating right? so whos turn is it? meaning to make a date. this got her more engaged in the planning process.

 

still this whole thing could just be keeping me in the game. while she does whatever it is she does. i still have given her all the power. and i dont know if thats bad or good if the end result is what i want. she is still cocky sometimes but less so then she was.

 

the question is can a conversation come from where we are or am i prepared to keep going? since the break up we are now lightly kissing, touching, laughing, etc. or do i pull away again? all very confusing.

 

I am realising that she will go through any moves. meaning we could sleep together, spend a lot of time together. etc. and not have her committ. my cahnges isnt the only piece. its her feelings.

 

hmm. i think i need some time to let this all sink in. right now i am the one still "feeling" at least today, she is still under control. very. to recreate she has to feel something. short of walking away which wont work right now, im not sure how to get that to happen.

[Michael2]

Rich, be careful with your heart. Okay. You are still in pain, still infolding all the hurt.

 

The love is still blinding you, even though you may not think so.