How to achieve the impossible?

[MorphyGyps]

Everyone's flawed with things that reduces/changes your dating chances. For me it's being asian (changes the demographics and numbers odds), and that I'm not as outgoing as other people.

 

Sorry dude, for the 100th time, being Asian is not a "flaw". You shouldn't feel insecure about your race and heritage. They are not hindrances and you should celebrate your diversity. That's just another excuse.

[dr_styles]

I didn't mean to have that part as a flaw (just did a poor job of explaining it haha). I just meant it's something which changes the situation; some girls won't like asians, some girls will. Might not be the best thing in a Western country, but my point overall is that there's nothing I can see with myself, or anyone else for that matter, that is so serious that would result in this situation.

[LightbulbSun]

Sorry dude, for the 100th time, being Asian is not a "flaw". You shouldn't feel insecure about your race and heritage. They are not hindrances and you should celebrate your diversity. That's just another excuse.

 

Exactly. Dr_styles, I don't know how many people have to tell you you're good looking before it sinks in. If I had those looks, I definitely wouldn't be uncomfortable with girls.

[jenny_mcs]

This is equivalent to the guy who works hard at his job over and over again, but never gets recognised or rewarded for it. Anyone would be annoyed at that even though they aren't "owed" anything. Someone who has the rest of their life going pretty well may not be owed a relationship, but there's almost no reason why they're having none at all.

 

 

I don't see it this way. In your analogy, the guy is working hard at his job and does not advance or reap any rewards. How are you working hard at finding a girlfriend? How many girls have you asked out? Have you tried online dating? have you asked friends or co-workers to set you up? Have you joined a club, volunteered, taken a class, done something along those lines to meet women?

 

Taking your analogy, I would say it's like a guy who is intelligent, but never puts in any extra effort at his job. He doesn't ask for any training. He doesn't volunteer for any special projects. He does the absolute minimum- showing up each day and completing the bare minimum of tasks, and then wonders why he is not getting where he wants career-wise.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Just taking all the "dateless men" on eNA (since these are the people/numbers you can see), only some, definitely not many are angry at women. Frustrated for sure.

This is equivalent to the guy who works hard at his job over and over again, but never gets recognised or rewarded for it. Anyone would be annoyed at that even though they aren't "owed" anything. Someone who has the rest of their life going pretty well may not be owed a relationship, but there's almost no reason why they're having none at all.

 

"I just don't know what to do any more. What else is there left to try?" doesn't sound angry at all, just completely disillusioned.

 

The more angry stuff is going to stand out in my memory. Too many threads have been so scary to me. I said some because not all of you are to the point of hating women and being extremely angry about it.

[GernBlanston]

There is just so much blame, generally. Women are blamed, parents are blamed, society is blamed... at what point do you guys shift the power to yourself? We are all given certain tools, individually unique and it's our job to use those to fill in the gaps where we are shorthanded.

I agree. When blame is placed, it does tend to be misplaced. I don't think anyone is to blame for my situation but myself. That being said, I don't think I'm entirely to blame. Sometimes things just are the way they are and it doesn't make sense to assign blame to anyone. So, I don't have the ability to attract a woman. I also don't have the ability to win an Olympic gold medal in long jump. I could practice as much as humanly possible, but my physical attributes make it virtually impossible that I could ever win that gold. Nobody's to blame for that (unless you want to blame my genetics).

 

Sure there are injustices in life. For everyone. People have it a lot worse in this life than sparse lays...

 

You can either buck up or wallow and wine. Either way, you have the choice.

Of course people have it a lot worse. You're telling us to stop being upset about our situation, even if it can't be changed. Seriously? We're not even allowed to be disappointed that we'll never experience love?

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I agree. When blame is placed, it does tend to be misplaced. I don't think anyone is to blame for my situation but myself. That being said, I don't think I'm entirely to blame. Sometimes things just are the way they are and it doesn't make sense to assign blame to anyone. So, I don't have the ability to attract a woman. I also don't have the ability to win an Olympic gold medal in long jump. I could practice as much as humanly possible, but my physical attributes make it virtually impossible that I could ever win that gold. Nobody's to blame for that (unless you want to blame my genetics).

 

 

Of course people have it a lot worse. You're telling us to stop being upset about our situation, even if it can't be changed. Seriously? We're not even allowed to be disappointed that we'll never experience love?

 

Is telling you to chill and be a little positive such a horible thing? Positive is hard to be, but it's better than being constantly disappointed. Gets nothing changed. Just "owning" your anger and disappointment doesn't get you in a better place. Trust me.

 

See that's the problem... what do you want? Neither pity nor genuine good intentions to help seem to be enough in these threads. It's all me me me with no understanding, just expectations.

[Luke Skywalker]

There is just so much blame, generally. Women are blamed, parents are blamed, society is blamed... at what point do you guys shift the power to yourself? We are all given certain tools, individually unique and it's our job to use those to fill in the gaps where we are shorthanded.

 

What "tools" are you talking about?

 

I get the sense that some of you really believe the world owes you the success you want in life. Whether it's women, money, power, sex, etc... the world doesn't owe any of us these things.

 

It's interesting that the terms "women, money, power, sex" all sound abstractly like some rich and powerful playboy like Fidel Castro who had three different girls a day or something. I don't think that is the intention here, it's just finding that one right soul-mate that makes everything right. The idea is when you meet that right person, and everything is just right and it will all fall into place -- not being some meglomaniac.

 

Some would argue that people have basic drives, such as food, water, and shelter that should me meet regardless of merit, and everything above those basics would fall into your argument of what the 'world owes'. I happen to be of the opinion that sex is also a basic human need and anyone who want's access to love, like food, or water, should have access to that. That is one of the reasons I use a fleshlight, to have that access.

 

Nowhere does it say we're all going to get what we want just because most people have it. There are a lot of things I want, trust me I have felt desperation but it does me no good to be angry and start to hate the thing I want.

 

Of course I don't hate what I need, it's just a need, whether it is food, water, shelter or sex.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

What is the constant theme of these threads?

1. No woman wants me because (i'm ugly, poor, etc.)

2. I need sex and can't get it because ....

3. Does anyone else hate women as a result of their struggles with them?

 

It's as if some of you assume there was a membership card for sex and women handed out at birth that you didn't receive.

 

I would say the reason you aren't getting what you want is because you're extremely difficult people to deal with!

[corvidae]

I'm not difficult to deal with!! I'm very nice. Women just aren't attracted to me. I really want women to smile at me but they never do...

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm not difficult to deal with!! I'm very nice. Women just aren't attracted to me. I really want women to smile at me but they never do...

 

I agree in your case, honestly it's not even that women aren't attracted to you (obvious by the amount of women here who said you were attractive previously) you just have terrible female peers.

[corvidae]

Well it's interesting you say that. I think that how I am depends on where I am. At work the consensus amongst the women is that I am not attractive - my work really is a complete write-off as a source of women. However, in my old theatre group there were, not many, but some women who liked me and I had a very very limited success (I mean that in a good way, compared to NO success). I think it's a sort of herd mentality...at work it's clear that there's a sort of group consensus. It's the only way I can explain that having been working there for 4 years I've never had so much as a flirtatious smile or nod. Obviously I have female friends there, but our relationship is just friendship.

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Well it's interesting you say that. I think that how I am depends on where I am. At work the consensus amongst the women is that I am not attractive - my work really is a complete write-off as a source of women. However, in my old theatre group there were, not many, but some women who liked me and I had a very very limited success (I mean that in a good way, compared to NO success). I think it's a sort of herd mentality...at work it's clear that there's a sort of group consensus. It's the only way I can explain that having been working there for 4 years I've never had so much as a flirtatious smile or nod. Obviously I have female friends there, but our relationship is just friendship.

 

It would seem so. Maybe it's best for you to adopt a bit of a nomad's perspective and find somewhere you fit better.

[corvidae]

I'm not sure where to go though...I joined a local theatre group but the women are all either kids or 40 year old marrieds. So...what else? Well, I've joined ANOTHER internet dating site in the hope that someone will at least be willing to meet for coffee.

[jettison]

I'm not sure where to go though...I joined a local theatre group but the women are all either kids or 40 year old marrieds. So...what else? Well, I've joined ANOTHER internet dating site in the hope that someone will at least be willing to meet for coffee.

 

I guess I would just add that both men and women sense desperation. So, if you're doing something or acting a certain way that makes you seem desperate then women will likely shun you. Sometimes, smiling too much, being too effusive, being too nice, offering to do favors, etc. ends up being much more of a turn off then a turn on.

 

I think a lot can be found out in one's voice though, and I recommend working on your voice, your pitch, your projection, and your cadence. It goes a long, long way. Think about your voice reflection when you're with a close friend that you like quite a bit, that you know likes you, and that you have no interest in impressing. Now, contrast that with your voice reflection when you've just met a pretty woman and you're trying to impress her.

 

If she knows that you're trying to impress her, unfortunately, she's unlikely to be all that impressed. It's going to come off like you're trying to hard. Again, the voice says everything so in this case it's fake it till you make it. Remain more understated then enthusiastic. Keep your head up. Don't slouch. Don't smile just to smile, but smile when it's appropriate. Basically, it's the old adage, "just be yourself." That's why people say this.

 

Remember, women are almost universally turned off by a man they feel isn't being himself and/or is trying to impress them. They want someone who is not only comfortable with who they are, but more importantly, is comfortable with who they are when they are in their presence.

 

All that said, heh, I know it's hard. Some people just floor us and cause us to come off the tracks a little bit. When you ask someone for a "favor", your voice needs to coney the message that you expect that that person will grant you that favor. If your voice is cringing and unsure, you're less likely to get a "yes". This "favor" biz goes with everything and everyone. When you ask for something, assume it's completely natural and that they are suppose to say yes.

[Luke Skywalker]

I guess I would just add that both men and women sense desperation. So, if you're doing something or acting a certain way that makes you seem desperate then women will likely shun you. Sometimes, smiling too much, being too effusive, being too nice, offering to do favors, etc. ends up being much more of a turn off then a turn on.

 

Yeah, but it seems that this vibe is just given off no matter what you are doing. It's a catch-22, if you show interest to someone, then you are giving off a desperate vibe, if you don't show interest to someone, then they don't know you are interested in them.

 

Don't smile just to smile, but smile when it's appropriate. Basically, it's the old adage, "just be yourself." That's why people say this.

 

I get this problem allot. I try to smile to connect with someone, instead they usually don't recirpocate or are put-off.

 

Remember, women are almost universally turned off by a man they feel isn't being himself and/or is trying to impress them. They want someone who is not only comfortable with who they are, but more importantly, is comfortable with who they are when they are in their presence.

 

What about if you are only yourself when you are by yourself and not around people? Suppose you don't like hanging around people at all? How do you be yourself around someone else that is not your family?

[jettison]

Yeah, but it seems that this vibe is just given off no matter what you are doing. It's a catch-22, if you show interest to someone, then you are giving off a desperate vibe, if you don't show interest to someone, then they don't know you are interested in them.

 

You should always show interest, just not misplaced interest. If you are already in "you are the one!" mode before you've even gotten to know them, and before they've barely spoken to you, you're basically just saying "you're hot. I want you based on almost nothing at all except your looks."

 

So, unless you are gorgeous in return, why should they even bother to respond? You are projecting your sexuality on them, someone you don't really know. That's why, sometimes, people should move in the same speed, but just in another direction. It's your job to get her to open up about herself, to feel comfortable sharing with you, and to get to know her and see if you have things in common BEFORE you simply have a target and a goal. If you are too goal oriented, and you just want to "win the prize that is her" then it's usually going to be a big turn-off for the woman.

 

So, your "desperate vibe" is really just your overt willingness to jump to 3rd base with someone that you don't really know at all. After all, she could be a complete nut job, and how would you even know? People want to be appreciated based on something real about them, and not based on your sexual projection.

 

 

 

I get this problem allot. I try to smile to connect with someone, instead they usually don't recirpocate or are put-off.

 

Are you just smiling at them because you think they're attractive or you want them? I mean, there's nothing at all wrong about that. But it helps to develop a genuine level of repoire before you take those smiles too far. Sure, of course, smile. But there's a big difference between a brief smile and a guy who is just staring at a woman with his mouth wide open and his teeth showing.

 

 

What about if you are only yourself when you are by yourself and not around people? Suppose you don't like hanging around people at all? How do you be yourself around someone else that is not your family?

 

This is a problem. It means that you have something to work on, and the only way you solve it is to practice. It means getting out of your comfort zone a little bit (a lot really), and taking uncomfortable risks with people. It also means not fearing rejection as much as you do. In fact, it means embracing rejection.

 

I have been rejected a LOT of times, and that's because I put myself it harm's way so to speak. I put myself in places that would allow for rejection. But who cares if I got rejected? If I got rejected 150 times, but made meaningful connections with 10 woman, then what do you think will end up the most worthwhile, meaningful statistic? The other 140 attempts are non-factors. They mean zero. Their acceptance of me is inconsequential to my happiness. However, the acceptance that I did find goes a long, long way.

 

And it when it comes to dating, and courting, and relationships, the misses mean zero. An army can fire off 10,000 bullets, but drop a large enough bomb, and then who remembers or cares about the bullets that didn't hit their target.

 

It only takes one person to say yes, one person to be with you, one special person to spend time with you, and then none of the rest of it matters even a little bit. That's why you can't take it too seriously. No one is that important until they prove to be that important, and someone else's opinion of you should NEVER replace your own opinion of you. And truly, if you don't have a high enough opinion of yourself then you're not allowing other people to have one either.

 

That's why so many people suggest "work on yourself" and "take care of yourself", and "love yourself first." It all makes sense in that context. You have to love you and take care of you before anyone else will think you are worthy of love and worthy of taking care of. Be selfish. Do for you, do for you, do for you. Keep doing for you, and make it no secret how much you think about yourself because then you'll allow other people to see what's so special.

 

Again though, if you can't be yourself around strangers then you will always be at their mercy because you will be letting strangers define who you are. You are saying to the stranger that "your opinion matters to me more then my opinion matters to me."

 

NEVER give someone that power over you.