mr.mac Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 in relationships I'm much more open and laid back. I can handle being comfortable with someone I just had sex with if there's mroe to it than sex. I guess I feel like the conversation is unnecessary b/c we're jsut having sex. We don't need to know about each other, right? Like I constantly feel like I need to save them the trouble or something. I don't want it to be forced or fake. Like is he really interested in stuff about me or is he just trying to be nice? In a relationship, tehy're actually interested and I know as much. With a FWB, how do you really know? Ugh, I never really thought I was very insecure till I re-read what I just wrote... Bingo! And that's ok. It seems like you want things to be simple so you don't have to ask yourself all these questions, but he is making it very un-simple for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FarthestEdge Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I agree that's what's needed. How does one go about setting those boundaries? I've always felt like FWB is sort of a no-holds-barred kind of thing, like anything goes so there's no need for boundaries. IMO, the opposite is true. In a FWB, it's sort of a business relationship; Each of you has something the other wants, so you engage in a transaction. Once the transaction is complete, you are both free to go on your way. You are not obligated to engage in 'texting' or any other communication that doesn't interest you... Consider this. You say you think 'like a guy'. Now imagine a 'guy' who has a FWB with some girl....girl wants to call & 'chat', send him e-mails of fuzzy kittens, or whatever...what does 'guy' do? He blows her off, or ignores her e-mails- 'cause that's not what the relationship is about to him. Plain & simple. To you, it's not about texting, sexting, or other interim activities. It's drive-thru service, if you will. So really, there should be nothing wrong with you stating to him that you are not interested in it, or ignoring his texts....He'd do the same to you....So if he wants to text- maybe respond with 'busy- call you when I'm around this weekend" and then stop replying... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I think I could handle saying exactly that in person. When I met him, he joined me and a girlfriend at dinner. She and I were supposed to have dinner but asked last minute if he could come and I said sure. The 3 of us sat at dinner and had a lot of laughs and fun. He was cool. My friend had to leave early, and once she left, I clammed up and felt uncomfortable, maybe b/c I knew I'd sleep with him if he asked. And he asked me back to his place and that was that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catdancer Posted September 23, 2009 Share Posted September 23, 2009 I think I could handle saying exactly that in person. When I met him, he joined me and a girlfriend at dinner. She and I were supposed to have dinner but asked last minute if he could come and I said sure. The 3 of us sat at dinner and had a lot of laughs and fun. He was cool. My friend had to leave early, and once she left, I clammed up and felt uncomfortable, maybe b/c I knew I'd sleep with him if he asked. And he asked me back to his place and that was that. Good, then say something like that. I think that once you both clear the air a little you'll feel more comfortable. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 23, 2009 Author Share Posted September 23, 2009 I think this is interesting. Particularly the drive-thru service. When I compare it to the Wendy's drive-thru (oooh Wendy's), it's very much what I'm looking for...that give it to me and let me drive on. I don't need to chat with the drive-thru person...I just want my doublestack burger. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 I've been thinking about this more today and I send my GF flirty/sexual text messages all the time. And she's usually very dismissive about it. Maybe it's just something that guys think is cool while women think it's dumb (some not all). Anyway, my point is that I don't only want sex from my GF, I do want all the other relationship stuff that goes along with it, but for some reason most of my text messages are sex related. Maybe this dude is just really bad at expressing what he really wants and all that comes out is "I have erection!!!" I don't know. Just a thought. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Perfect Dark Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Hey Hers, I feel the same as you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Hm, mr mac, have you tried being more affectionate in your texts to "change it up" a bit? If this guy expressed any emotion to me besides wanting sex, I'd say I agree with you, but he hasn't so it leads me to believe that he's in it just for sex. Whcih is ok b/c that's all I want from him. But the texts are sleazy. I'm gonna ask him not to send them anymore when I see him. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Hm, mr mac, have you tried being more affectionate in your texts to "change it up" a bit? If this guy expressed any emotion to me besides wanting sex, I'd say I agree with you, but he hasn't so it leads me to believe that he's in it just for sex. Whcih is ok b/c that's all I want from him. But the texts are sleazy. I'm gonna ask him not to send them anymore when I see him. Oh, yeah, I'm super affectionate in general. Like, way beyond sappy! It just seems that whenever I text her it comes out in a sexual way. I wouldn't say a sleazy way, though, so if your guy is over the top sleazy then I guess that's not really what I do. But, I'm glad you're going to ask him to stop with the texting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernSon Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 stuff After reading your post, I have just two questions for you. One, if you were in a serious relationship, would still have this need to have casual sex? Two, honestly, do you feel that you need or must have a male FWB in your life at all times? Or if you don't you have a need to find it? I realize the questions may seem like they have obvious answers, but I don't know you at all and hopefully the answers you provide will be of some use to you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 I don't need to be in some sort of relationships at all times. I've been single for over a year now mostly by choice. I'm ready to be in one again b/c I needed to do some work on myself and I've gotten through that now. So I'm ready now. When I'm in a relationship, I'm monogamous. I don't need other men to give me attention on top of my SO. So no there isn't a need for casual sex at all times but in between relationships, it's a "girl's gotta eat" mentality that I have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernSon Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 So no there isn't a need for casual sex at all times but in between relationships, it's a "girl's gotta eat" mentality that I have. Then my follow-up question is do you believe you must have a "girl's gotta eat" mentality? If you went without for a few months, maybe picked up a new hobby or something, do you believe you would be unable to follow through? My point is that if you continue to fulfill your physicals needs you may not pay enough attention to your mental/emotional needs. There may be a man right now who would want the same thing you do but if you're too focused on getting some you might not see it. Before I got married I wanted to have sex with just about any woman who looked decently attractive, but mine was a situation forced upon me rather than a choice due mainly to my awkward social skills. When I met my future wife I had to sort of force myself out of that "I need to have sex" mode and take it one step at a time. For some reason it worked on her and we're still together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Actually I'm very excited not to be so easy with a new relationship. One reason I went 10 months recently without sex is that I didn't want ONSs anymore. I wanted to wait for a relationship to see if life, or something, was better that way. Yea I had more fun with friends and focused more on what I needed to do (like working on myself) but man was I horny the whole time! I've never gone so long without it, not in the 12 years I've been having sex. I'm ok with dry spells. Just as long as they aren't 10 months long! Question: did you read some of the earlier posts I made on this thread? Mostly around the first 3 pages. That answers a lot of questions you may have concerning my current mental state. Not sure if you've read the whole thread. I only say that b/c you touched on me working on my mental/emotional needs, and I talk a lot about that in the first few pages. That might give you more insight if you haven't read all of this yyet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernSon Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Actually I did read the whole 9 pages. My main focus is why you believe going without sex for 10 months or more is bad. I had longer dry spells myself...I suppose if I had the choice to go without I likely would have chosen to have sex instead of going without but I will say that during that time I learned a good deal about myself, my character, and who I wanted to share my life with. Surprisingly though I did not go insane or have any kind of breakdown because I went without for so long. Focus your energy instead on something you are passionate about. So aside from having sex and trying to find an SO for a long term relationship, what do you want to do? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 24, 2009 Author Share Posted September 24, 2009 Oh can of worms opened! Haha No passions to speak of. I love dogs and even work with them but it's not something I'm obsessed with or anything. I don't plan for my future, which I should. I'm more impulsive about my plans. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up sort of thing. I don't obsess over sex. I don't focus on it much. Sometimes I don't even get that horny. But I enjoy it and like to do it. When I can't do it, I'm bummed that I can't but life's not over when I can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pinkelephant Posted September 24, 2009 Share Posted September 24, 2009 Oh can of worms opened! Haha No passions to speak of. I love dogs and even work with them but it's not something I'm obsessed with or anything. I don't plan for my future, which I should. I'm more impulsive about my plans. I don't know what I want to be when I grow up sort of thing. I don't obsess over sex. I don't focus on it much. Sometimes I don't even get that horny. But I enjoy it and like to do it. When I can't do it, I'm bummed that I can't but life's not over when I can't. Is it out of boredom? I used to have sex with my ex out of pure boredom... It was like, well, sex is kinda better than watching a movie..... lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 No, not at all. I just really enjoy sex. It's like my vagina feels a physical void if it's been too long. I eat out of boredom, not have sex out of boredom haha Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Day_Walker Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 If you have determined that casual sex isnt for you then I dont see what is wrong with that choice in the least. If you are looking for something more emotionally fulfilling then casual sex isnt what you are looking for. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SouthernSon Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 Why not try stopping the casual sex for a couple months? If you know what you want, which you've indicated in this thread, then focus on that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 Actually I'm very excited not to be so easy with a new relationship. One reason I went 10 months recently without sex is that I didn't want ONSs anymore. I wanted to wait for a relationship to see if life, or something, was better that way. Yea I had more fun with friends and focused more on what I needed to do (like working on myself) but man was I horny the whole time! I've never gone so long without it, not in the 12 years I've been having sex. Why not try stopping the casual sex for a couple months? If you know what you want, which you've indicated in this thread, then focus on that. Read the bold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 For reasons I'd rather not go into, I'm not meeting up with this guy this weekend. I'm pretty sure he's a dirtbag and I'm just figuring it out. Onward to a relationship with someone of value, if I can. There's nothing good to come out of this current situation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mr.mac Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 For reasons I'd rather not go into, I'm not meeting up with this guy this weekend. I'm pretty sure he's a dirtbag and I'm just figuring it out. Onward to a relationship with someone of value, if I can. There's nothing good to come out of this current situation. Probably for the better anyway. Good luck! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 All I know is, when someone says "I like to date but girls don't want relationships with me," that should also mean I should not have sex with them. God I don't want to be easy anymore. It's not worth it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IphigeniaSaysHi Posted September 25, 2009 Share Posted September 25, 2009 You'll figure it out, Hers. You will. Life is trial and error. I've done things I shouldn't have because I thought I wanted to. Looking back now it's like... whaaaaaa? But I try to not repeat it and figure out why it didn't work for me. The thing that has to be solid is you; your views, your goals, your boundaries. Someone will fit into the space you create afterwards. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hers Posted September 25, 2009 Author Share Posted September 25, 2009 I know. I know all this, so I'm not sure why I don't act on it. And then when something less than ideal happens as a result of the choices I make for myself, I beat myself up about it, put myself down, pretty much verbally abuse myself. That, to me, is a bigger problem than sleeping with guys I met an hour before. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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